When the Wolfos is dead, and Twink’s life meter is beeping feebly at him, the gate opens, allowing Twink access to the labyrinthine non-meadow. He fights his way through the Dicku Scrubs littering the place, probably absorbing more hits from their seed bullets than he reflects back. Again, this is because Twink sucks. Even my great gaming skills can’t make up for his shortcomings.
On the other side of the maze Twink discovers a set of stairs and a long corridor populated by even more Dicku Scrubs. They quickly join their cousins from the maze in Dicku Scrub Heaven. My, is this making for an exciting narrative. In fact, Twink’s so sick of the tedium of running around and slaughtering weakling creatures that he’s actually happy to see Saria at the top of the stairs. What is the world coming to?
First, a little on the setting. Twink is now in another high-walled enclosure that contains an ancient temple covered by overgrown plants and moss. Fireflies, or baby Naggys, or something, are flitting about. It’s all very Fern Gully. Twink walks over a stone seal with the Triforce on it–nothing special about THIS place!–to come face-to-face with Saria, who is seated on a tree stump, blowing away on the twin sister of Twink’s Fairy Cockarina. I wonder if the two instruments are linked somehow, magically, and if that means Twink is indirectly kissing Saria every time he plays a song. Oh, that devious Saria. I’m sure this is all part of her plan to snare our hero in her talons.
Saria, unlike Blathers, is up front about her life revolving around Twink, telling him, “I’ve been waiting for you, Twink!” You know, if she was waiting to talk to him, you’d think she would have picked a place that wasn’t in the middle of Bumfuck Egypt, if Egypt was an annoying-ass forest. But then the game designers wouldn’t be able to establish this as Saria’s personal special hangout, and without that the plot would surely fall apart.
Saria tells Twink that this is her “secret place,” and actually refers to it as the Sacred Forest Meadow, which I can only assume means the place is on fire. Ganondorf must have “forgotten” to put out his campfire after that Moblin weenie roast.
“This place will be very important for both of us someday,” Saria pulls out of her ass. “That’s what I feel.” At least, that’s what her horoscope told her. “Libra: A special place will unite you and your special crush. Your lucky color for the month is green.” She also adds that this sacred non-meadow is so special that playing one’s cockarina here will allow communication with “the spirits.” Whoever they are.
It’s a trick!
Saria asks Twink, ever so innocently, if he’d like to jam on the cockarina with her. Suppressing a shudder, he says yes because his invisible controller makes him. I’m sure if Twink were real he would punch me in the ovaries for this. Saria plays the down-right-left melody for Twink to copy, which he does, earning him a new tune in the cockarina sub-menu: Saria’s Song. First Zelda’s Lullaby, then Ebona’s Song (learned from Malon), and now Saria’s Song. Somewhere in the Great Beyond, the Dicku Tree is laughing his leafy ass off at Twink’s pain, and then he’s sending Zelda, Malon, and Saria invoices from Kokiri Escort Services. As long as Twink’s out there saving the world, he’d better be making some extra Rupees for Daddy on the side.
Twink has to promise Saria that he won’t forget this song, their song, as it is not only a symbol of their one-sided love friendship, but Twink can use it anytime he likes to open a magical communication channel with Saria. For the curious–as I will never be using this particular ability unless forced to by the game–calling for Saria using her song usually results in Saria giving Twink a hint as to where he should go next. Therefore, if you are so completely obtuse that Blathers’s yammering, Naggy’s pestering, and the blinking, idiot-approved dot on your world map are not enough to keep you on top of the plot, you have this avenue available to you as well. And may God have mercy on your soul.
Saria has absolutely nothing else to tell Twink, which makes me wonder why she didn’t just teach him this song before he left the forest the first time. And why, even if it had to wait until now, Saria sat around in a secret place Twink’s never visited and hoped her psychic brainwaves would reach Twink and let him know she wanted to see him. This, of course, raises the possibility that Naggy and Saria are somehow psychically connected, hence Naggy’s incessant hints about coming here. But if they were, why would Twink need Saria’s Song? Pretty much any way I slice this, it makes no sense. Can Twink go now?
Why yes, Twink can leave now, but he only gets back to the entrance to the Sacred Forest Meadow before running into Blathers, again. This isn’t getting old or anything. Smiling down at Twink (I think–it could be death glaring for all I know about owl facial expressions), Blathers asks, “Did you learn [a cockarina] song from Saria?” No, he had sex with her. God. “That melody seems to have some mysterious power,” he adds. The power to annoy the fuck out of me, maybe. It seems like everything and everyone in this game has that power, though.
Blathers “hints” that Twink might just learn some other magical songs in his Hyrule adventures, like this is the first one he’s learned. For good measure the owl throws in some game tips on how to use the songs–specifically, how to bring up the Fairy Cockarina and see if a musical prompt comes up. “I recommend that you play a song you know,” Blathers tells the clearly brain-damaged Twink, who had been thinking up to this point that he should just make up songs and see if they work. Fuck, Blathers. Even better, he goes on, “I also suggest that you play even when a score is not displayed. Just like this: Hoo hoo hoo hoot hoot hoot!” God, I hate you, Blathers. So much.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
Twink shuts down Blathers’s request to repeat himself and hightails it out of the Lost Woods as fast as he can. Well, he does stop to play a quick game of Cockarina Simon with some Dicku Scrubs for a Piece of Ass, and he plays Saria’s Song for a Dicku Kid to get another. Just so this trip wasn’t a total loss. And now, at long last, I am done dicking around, and it is time to head for Kakariko Village and Death Mountain. I know, because Naggy is there to helpfully remind me: “[Himpa] said that the Spiritual Stone of Fire is somewhere on Death Mountain.” Oh Naggy, what would Twink do without you?
A pan over Kakariko Village reveals that the town is your typical quiet backwoods hovel, complete with quaint windmill and simple country folk. But Kakariko is also a village on the rise, judging from the several buildings in town under construction. The citizens of this fair burg must be sick of being ranked #2 in Zagat’s Top Two Urban Destinations of Hyrule.
Hee again.
A guard at the entrance to the village gives Twink an unsolicited history of Kakariko, explaining that Himpa actually started the village. “We have only a small population now, but someday this place will be as lively as Hyrule Castle Town!” gushes the guard. “Oh, yes! It will!” Well, someone’s got a complex. Damn those Hyrule Castle Town city slickers!
The guard’s not the only one in town preoccupied with Kakariko’s impending greatness, either. A lumberjack of a man leaning against a tree informs Twink that he is the boss of the carpenters, hired by Himpa to transform Kakariko into a thriving metropolis. But, he whines, all the young’uns in the village are lazy and unambitious–i.e., not at all interested in toiling in the hot sun for A Better Kakariko. The boss throws his hands in the air and tells Twink, “My workers are just running aimlessly around the village, and they’re not making any progress at all…” He says they’re all worthless bums, including his own layabout son. Now, Twink is inclined to believe that the boss is exaggerating the uselessness of his crew–as the stereotype of the high-and-mighty, shit-talking alpha male character could be found even in Kokiri Forest, Midol–but he quickly realizes that the man was speaking the truth. The members of his crew–insanely ugly, pear-shaped men with faces only a mother, or perhaps a face mapper who worked on Goldeneye, could love–are literally running aimlessly about the town. One is prancing back and forth on a wooden beam protruding from an unfinished building, while others are strolling up and down the stairs or around the entrance to the graveyard. At least we know their ambivalence toward hard work has nothing to do with smoking pot, since I’m pretty sure people don’t like to jog around and exert themselves when they’re high. The workers, of course, insist that their boss is both a liar and a slave driver–if they’re to be believed, they’re working very hard, sunrise to sunset, like Rinoa with a crossword puzzle.
He borrowed those pants from CHAOS!!!.
The village is full of other notable features, clearly intended to siphon Twink’s free time away–like the girl who needs Twink to wrangle her Cuccos back into their pen (No thanks, thinks Twink), and the man in one of the houses who tells Twink he wants to make a lot of money “without much effort.” He’s talking about being a thief. God, you guys. And even if he’s considering that other thing, I’m sure he could walk on over to Kokiri Forest and those kids would tell him it’s a lot more work than it seems.
Clever name.
While Twink could now visit the dank well, the creepy windmill, or the graveyard, our boy’s had enough for now of being frightened to near-death. He decides to stick to checking all the houses in the village. That’s a nice, safe activity, right? With that in mind, Twink heads for a large house near the town entrance, one that, from the outside, looks just like all the others.
When Twink enters, he discovers that this nondescript domicile has a name: the House of Skulltula Gold-Assed Spiders. Not a good sign. Twink wanders into the center of the room (the only lit place in the house) only to have a gigantic fucking spider drop onto his head. Only it’s not really a spider. It’s this unholy human-spider mutation: bandy spider legs mixed with too-long human limbs, white exoskeleton protrusions, and the spider’s gruesome skull face combined with a human face, with red hair poking out. I can hear Jeanne screaming from here. I mean, it’s kind of hard to hear over my own screaming, but there you go.
JESUS JACKRABBIT CHRIST!!!
Even better, this vile, eldritch abomination can fucking talk. At least this game doesn’t feature voice acting, or I’d be turning the goddamn game off right now and you’d all be finishing this recap using your imaginations. The horrid creature says to Twink, “We all look like this because of the spider’s curse. If every Spider of the Curse in the entire world were destroyed, the curse would be broken.” Well, at least now I can rest assured that this guy doesn’t look like this because his dad got it on with Shelob. But I have to ask: what in the world did this guy do to deserve getting turned into something out of my worst Lovecraftian nightmares?
Loading ...The spiderman tells Twink that “they’re” very interested in the elimination of these spiders, to the point that “they” will compensate him for bringing in the tokens he loots from their corpses. Just as Twink is starting to wonder if the spiderman has some weird multiple personality disorder or enjoys the use of the Royal We, the talk bubbles stop and he is free to leave. At that point, he realizes that, in the shadows, there are FIVE OTHER SPIDERMEN IN THE ROOM. Skittering along the walls. Dropping down when Twink comes close. Watching. Twink bolts the place like he just discovered it’s Princess Zelda’s sorority house.
Well, fuck, after that, how bad can the graveyard be? Especially in the daytime, when, Twink is told, it is much less spooky. Which, I can only conclude, means it’s the scariest fucking place ever at night, because the atmospherics in the daytime are not exactly putting me at ease. Even though there are sunny skies over Kakariko, when Twink enters the graveyard the place is distinctly overcast and shadowy. Among the rows of headstones, a tiny, bald and creepy child is stumping along with an obvious limp. Someone please tell me: when the hell did I sign up to recap Silent Hill? Because this is not my thing. I can’t handle freaky children in graveyards or macabre spider people–I’m afraid of pigeons, for chrissakes.