Himpa further explains that the new song encoded into the Fairy Cockarina is a special song with magic powers. “Only Royal Family members are allowed to learn this song,” she adds, though she herself is not a member of the Royal Family. Go report her ass, Twink! She knows a song she’s not supposed to know! But the important point here is that Twink can use the song to show that he is in with the bigwigs. Apparently Himpa wants Twink to strut around Hyrule pretending he’s Zelda’s long lost Kokiri cousin. That’ll work. After she makes it clear that Twink is to come back here once he’s got all three stones, Himpa disappears in a flash, just like a ninja. Neat.

And now Twink is finally left to his own devices again. Of course, he’s got a million things to do before he actually goes to Death Mountain, including ensuring that the trip won’t be a complete waste of his time. Because this recap is going to be a damn novel otherwise, I’m going to skip over all the remaining inane shit in Hyrule Castle Town, such as finally getting that Big Boy Dicku Seed Pouch from the shooting mini-game and chasing down an adorable mutt puppy in the courtyard for a phenomenally ugly woman. Like, Talon-dolled-up-in-his-Bride-of-Frankenstein-Halloween-costume ugly. Speaking of him, let’s fast-forward to Twink’s first visit to Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch.

I take back everything I said about Zelda.

The camera pans over the ranch, giving us a grand view of a flat field with a large oval pasture containing several horses. Twink comes up the path to the ranch and finds the place largely deserted. He enters the farmhouse on his left, but if he was hoping to find even some hot cowboys in here he’s in for a nasty disappointment, because before him is the sleeping form of one Talon, surrounded by a large flock of crowing roosters. And those are not the kind of cocks Twink had in mind. Twink first grabs each rooster and chucks it behind the box Talon is resting against (you’ll see why), and once they’re all secured in the corner he wakes up the lazy-ass ranch owner.

As he did the first time Twink roused him, Talon spends about three text bubbles mumbling groggily about nothing interesting, though he does mention that he got his daughter to forgive him for abandoning her in town. Except we know that, while she probably smacked him silly for it, Malon was really secretly happy that her dad flaked out again, because it meant she got to meet this dreamy-weamy boy from the forest. Oh, poor, poor Twink.

With the obligatory catching-up out of the way, Talon asks Twink if he’s got time to play a little game. Not “Hide the Dicku Stick,” pervs. This game’s a clean one, and besides, it’s pretty easy, unlike a certain ass-reaming had-to-play-it-fifty-times Schlongshot game I could mention. And half the cost, too. So what’s the harm?

Talon explains the game: “These three Cuccos I have here are special Super Cuccos! I’m going to throw these Cuccos into that there gaggle of normal Cuccos. If you can pick out these three special birds from among the normal Cuccos within the time limit, I’ll give you something good.” Oh, I bet he will. Himpa clearly isn’t the only one after some sweet Twink statutory.

Hee.

So Twink coughs up the ten Rupee fee and watches as Talon, with a flourish, releases the three chickens into the flock. Or…not. Because I got rid of the flock. Smirking, Twink strolls around the room, picking up each chicken in turn, to Talon’s incredulous delight. Like, wow, he can lift a chicken above his head. What a stud. Talon compliments Twink on his mad poultry rodeo skillz, before asking, “How’d you like to marry Malon? Huh?” Twink manages a simple, polite “No” without a) kicking Talon in the balls or b) throwing up all over himself. Talon is obviously affronted by Twink’s refusal, but he covers for it by laughing a little too hard and repeating “Just kidding!” a few times, adding “I think you’re a little young for that, aren’t you?” Well, yes, he is (and she is, too), but even if he weren’t he would still say no.

Well, since Twink is so ungrateful that he’s turning down sweet Malon’s hand in marriage as a mini-game reward, Talon instead gives him a more practical prize: a bottle of the amazing, nourishing, calcifying Lon Lon Milk. “After you drink it, you can bring back the bottle and buy a refill, anytime you want!” Talon says. Do I really want to go there? I don’t think I do. Oh, but the mental images have already hit me.

By the time the Disembodied Item Describer has gone through its usual spiel about the milk replenishing life energy and equipping it to the C-buttons, Talon has already fallen asleep again, so Twink tiptoes out of there before he gets non-consensually spooned. He skips right past the barn on the right, heading for the pasture at the back. This isn’t because I was going to save the sad, bitter man in the barn for last. This is because I forgot about his existence and left the ranch without talking to him. Please, berate me in email–I deserve your scorn. At least, I deserve it from Jeanne, because now she has to go out of her way and talk to him. Ha!

So, the pasture. The music is the idyllic prairies-of-Kansas fare you’d expect while watching cute little ponies graze in the grass. In the middle of the field, Malon is bobbing vacantly in place as a tiny pony (no taller than she is) grazes at her feet. She chirps at Twink by way of greeting, “Oh, it’s the fairy boy again!” She’s all chatty with him, babbling about her dad and Princess Zelda and how she’s having a bad hair day and how she couldn’t finish her Caesar salad at lunch. Women. She gets to the point, saying she has a “friend” she’d like Twink to meet. Well, I can’t imagine it’s another girl, because Malon certainly doesn’t want anyone competing with her for Twink’s hetero love. Of course, she means the (female, dammit!) horse next to her, which is named Epona. Ebona? Does that work for everyone?

Ebona takes off running at the end of this conversation, like the sound of her own name spooked her. Malon says that she must be afraid of Twink. Yeah, it couldn’t be that she’s afraid of the glittery seizure fairy bobbing around next to his head. It must be Twink. Chatterbox Malon mentions out of nowhere that she has this neato song that she learned from her mother. And she wants Twink to sing it with her. Oh, girl. No. How is it possible that she has the sense to constantly refer to him as “fairy boy” but she is dense enough to continue with this tragically misguided flirting? My only explanation is that she has finely tuned gaydar but she thinks “gay” means “has a thing for redhead girls.”

Scared, but compelled by the power of the music, Twink busts out the Fairy Cockarina. “Oh, cute [cockarina]!” Malon coos. “Are you going to play this song with that [cockarina]?” No, dear, he got it out as a hint to you of his sexuality. One that you would fail to understand.

Malon gives him the key so he can accompany her in the song: up, left, right. Just as Zelda’s Lullaby matched the background music in Zelda’s Conspiracy Courtyard, this tune matches the ranch’s theme. Malon sings it (in a lovely “do do doooooooo” soprano), Twink repeats the notes on his cockarina, cheesy sepia-toned Musical Notes of Yesteryear fill the screen, and the Fairy Cockarina absorbs Ebona’s Song. The camera zooms out, the scene going crazy with dramatic music, as we now see that Ebona is nuzzling Twink affectionately. Twink, meanwhile, gazes with disgust at his instrument. That’s now two songs by girls, for girls. This is crap.

After nabbing a Piece of Ass from a barn in the back (hidden in a very sexy back room with an inviting bed of hay) and a coin from a Gold-Assed Spider in a tree, Twink gets on with his business around the rest of Hyrule. He is getting the distinct sense that he needs to return to the forest and visit with Saria before moving on. It could be a hunch. Or it could be because Naggy has told him roughly every twenty seconds for the last hour, “What would Saria say if we told her we’re going to save Hyrule?” Even though I’m going to go find out what Saria would say, if only to get Naggy to shut her goddamn mouth, I figured you guys would like to answer this question yourselves.

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Fast-forwarding through Twink’s second scintillating run through Hyrule Field, we’re back to the Kokiri Forest, this time at night so Twink can slaughter some more Gold-Assed Spiders. Let’s just say he’s still angry after that romp through the Dicku Tree. After exacting arachnid revenge, Twink opts not to chat with his former friends in the village, because a day on the outside has only highlighted how lame they all were. And given that his new acquaintances amount to a fugly princess, a gender bender, a terrifying owl, a clingy girl and her gross dad, that’s saying something. And speaking of lame friends, it’s time to look for Saria!

Saria’s hanging out somewhere in the Lost Woods, and boy oh boy, if there’s one thing Twink was looking forward to today, it was wandering through a place called “Lost Woods” to find yet another girl who wants in his nonexistent pants. The trick to navigating this forest is to follow the music–if it starts fading away, you’ve made a wrong turn. Thus, for the next twenty minutes, thanks to the constant and irritating change in the background music’s volume, I feel like my ears are popping. Because the music itself just wasn’t irritating enough on its own. It sounds like something I would have played on a recorder in fourth grade music class.

Twink’s first right turn into the forest brings him to a small clearing with two more exits on his left and right and a tree straight ahead of him, rising out of a small gully below. Hanging on the tree is a target made out of a tree stump. What, oh what, could that be for. Twink is truly stumped. Oh ho, I kill me.

Okay, so he takes out his Schlongshot and dings the target with his Dicku seeds once, twice, three times. A blue “100” rises from the top of the tree with every hit, like the tree is a damn pinball machine. With the third “100” still hanging in the air, a Dicku Scrub pops up from the top of the tree and hops over to where the target is tied to the branch. It squeaks at Twink, “Cool! You’re great! You scored three perfect bulls-eyes!” The scrub, from its hopping and squealing, is clearly turned on by this achievement. Those Kokiri boys sure know how to shoot on target.

The scrub is still orgasmic with happiness for having met someone as cool as Twink, and to show his gratitude he spits out of his tube-like mouth a Bigger Boy Dicku Seed Pouch. The camera’s in first-person when this happens, too, so it’s like the scrub just shot his leather pouch wad all over me. I feel unclean.

Twink takes a left here, only to run into his best buddy Blathers. Fucking bird’s stalking him. Blathers is all “Fancy meeting YOU here!” like he hasn’t been waiting here for hours, stroking his stolen lock of Twink’s hair with his beak to pass the time. Anyway, Blathers tells Twink that once he manages to navigate the Lost Woods, he’ll end up in the Sacred Forest Meadow. “That is a sacred place where few have ever walked,” Blathers says. Sacred, you say? I would never have guessed that from “Sacred Forest Meadow.” That Blathers is just full of useful, non-obvious information.

The “subtle” exposition continues as Blathers asks Twink to listen carefully: “Shhhh…What’s that? I can hear a mysterious tune…” Oh, you mean that constant cacophony of suck in the background? I hadn’t noticed it. Blathers informs Twink that he should keep his ears perked for this tune, hint hint! Blathers ignores the fact that Twink likely had to figure this out already just to get to this point. As usual, Blathers asks if Twink needs him to repeat himself. I swear, when I wind up in hell for thinking dirty thoughts about Jailbait and Riku, Lucifer’s eternal punishment for me will probably be sitting next to Blathers, having to listen to him tell me things I already know and then ask, “Do you want to hear what I said again?” And I will be stuck on an infinite loop of “Yes.”

With Blathers out of the way, Twink looks around this area. There are two paths further into the forest (one has music coming out of it–WHAT COULD THAT MEAN?!?!?!?!) and a third, blocked-off path with a Stonehenge-like entryway. Twink can’t yet blow up the boulders in the way, so he takes a right toward the music. This area has two more paths on the left and right, and a pond straight ahead. The pond, I will tell you because there’s not exactly suspense involved, is a portal to Lake Hylia, which Twink cannot use because he can only hold his breath for a pitiful three seconds. That makes David Blaine look manly, Twink. Then it’s left, straight, left, right and Twink has arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow.

Okay, so this? Is not a meadow. It’s a very enclosed area with high rock walls and moats. Supposedly it’s sacred, and I can see that it’s in the forest, but otherwise this place is one-third a total goddamned lie. In front of the iron gate entrance to the “meadow,” Twink has to deal with a new enemy: the Wolfos. It’s–wait for it–a giant wolf. This is a new experience for Twink because he actually has to coordinate use of his sword and shield to defeat the creature without letting it kill him in the process. And is he ever bad at this. Yeah, that’s it. It’s Twink’s fault.