Before anyone else can be stupid, the fight with the Minions of Gozer (née the boringly named Bronze Dogs) begins. The gargoyles, we can see on the battle screen, have fancy gold rings on their wings and tails, because, as Kyle points out in his autobiography, accessorizing is important. Either minion can start their turn engulfed in flame, and that one will typically use Heat Rush and burn the shit out of everybody before cooling off. Not that this necessitates anything resembling a battle strategy, unless you count Mia not using her fire spells, which I obviously do not. The gang focuses them down one at a time and they’re miraculously dead before Jess has to use more than the single Star Light I put in her inventory (important note: I am bad at videogames, even absurdly simple ones like this).
When the Minions of Gozer are dead, we can see that Royce is still here, and was apparently munching box popcorn in the back. “Just as I have foreseen,” she sneers, “you have grown stronger, Alex…much stronger.” Bullllllllshit. Alex has barely even leveled up since they last saw each other. Jess warns her, “You’ve only seen the raw edge of our power, Royce. Give up now!” Big talk from a lady who just ran out of magic twice. Also, Jess needs to stop jumping ahead in the damn script. It’s way too early to expect a showdown with Royce! It’s all there in the RPG Villains Union Handbook. “Give up?” Royce asks, since she knows that fucking handbook backward and forward. “Goodness, no…we have quite a future ahead, you and I! But I’m afraid to say the present finds us going our separate ways…” Kyle manages to shout “Wait!” in the saddest, most impotent manner possible as Royce Disapparates the fuck out of there.
This lady does kind of look like the lost fourth Vile Tribe sister.
But, as usual, Royce can’t leave them be without yet another phony-ass portent of doom: “I almost forgot to share your fortune with you… ‘The red light you pursue shall grow dim, and a great, great arm blackens all.’ Oh, how I love to be the bearer of bad news… Farewell, children!” Jesus, how does Royce manage to perform all her sorcery with those hams for hands? Must be a challenge. Jess says, “She’s trying to be brave, Alex, but I can sense her fear…she’s afraid of us!” Oh, I am so sure. Meanwhile, Nash takes five whole seconds to decipher, “‘The red light shall grow dim…’ You don’t think she meant the Red Dragon, do you?” I think she was talking about Kyle not needing to put on the red light, but obviously I’ve been listening to too much ’80s music today. Mia says they should press on to see what Royce meant, like they were just going to turn around now.
Alex takes a quick look around, to be sure he’s not going to be surprised by the horrifying penis monster that’s been shedding all those skins, before proceeding into the Red Dragon’s inner sanctum. Unfortunately, they find the dragon’s pedestal empty. Jessica notes, “It’s so quiet and cold in here, Alex…no one’s been here for a long time.” What a ripoff! How is Alex supposed to dress up as his crush, which isn’t weird or disturbing at all, without the authentic gear? Squeak calls for the Red Dragon, which is dumb, but right when Kyle is about to say out loud that the dragon might be dead, it appears. Well, kind of. It’s not obvious from the graphics, but this is only some kind of astral projection of the Red Dragon. “You who seek to undergo the Dragon Trial…” it informs them, “my body has been stolen by the Magic Emperor.” Presumably this happened a while ago, per Jessica, so it would have been nice to have that information before Alex singed his ugly green coat on all those flaming walls.
“What? That old dragon!” Squeak says awkwardly. “No, it’s a lady dragon! That’s why you look like…” Indeed, the Red Dragon does have a long, sleek black mullet, though I have no idea 1) who she’s supposed to look like, or 2) why the thing Squeak is fixating on now of all times is the Red Dragon’s gender. It’s not like it matters at all. The Red Dragon ignores his dumb ass. “I have come to you in this ethereal form to impart knowledge to you…” she says. “It shall not be long until my soul fades from this place for all eternity…” Everybody busts out their best frowny face over this, but the Red Dragon is still gabbing at them. “15 years ago, I began a long sleep… But was awakened a short time ago by a song with tremendous magical power.” Nash Shions back, “A song with magical power?” I was about to say the same thing, but I would have followed it up with “DURRRRRRRRRRRR, BUT WHO COULD BE SINGING IT? DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.”
But let’s get to the important part: Alex has passed the Red Dragon’s Trial. “Your bravery was demonstrated when you crossed the wall of magic flame,” she overexplains some more. “Your power has been made evident, but it is not a singular power…” He has the power of his friends, too! So he’d better start doing everything himself! Also, she tells him, “You have the power to protect your loved ones…and to destroy the evil of this world. The future, as Althena and Dyne envisioned it, has been entrusted to you…” Alex just sprays ellipses at her but you know internally he’s like, “DYNE TRUSTED ME! SQUEEEEEE!” And Althena, too, he guesses. Whatever.
All this exposition has sapped the last energy out of the ghost of the Red Dragon, so she gets ready to peace out of this mortal coil. Squeak is like, “Nooooooo” as if they’ve been besties for years and didn’t meet a minute and a half ago. When her projection disappears, he tells Alex, “My chest hurts, Alex…I can’t stop crying…” Could he have waited for her nonexistent corpse to even be cold before he cried out, “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”? Alex goes, “Oh, [Squeak],” but I don’t think he means it the same way I do.
The good news is that the Red Dragon somehow managed to leave behind a little present for Alex before she left, even though she wasn’t really there in the first place. All the kids can see is a red bubble, but Jessica exclaims, “Alex, it looks like the Red Dragon Shield is shimmering!” The bubble floats down to Alex and triggers a short anime interlude so we can see the details of the Red Dragon Shield. For starters, it’s lined with fur on the bottom ridges, and I’ve been trying and failing to come up with what good that could possibly do, other than match Alex’s current outfit. Then again, it’s fire engine red and Alex’s coat is green, so unless he was going for Santa’s elf chic, it’s not a good look. An ornate gold cross with a crescent moon at its center reminds us that Alex is training to be a holy warrior for Moon Jesus.
It looks like Voltron’s codpiece.
Kyle congratulates his downlow boyfriend for hitting the halfway mark on becoming the Dragonmaster. Alex, who you’d think would be invested in making his few words count, just Shions in response, “The Dragonmaster…” because he hates me. Once I’ve equipped Alex with his new shield and listened to the melancholy Dead Dragon Theme to my heart’s content, the gang warps back to the beginning of the dungeon and prepares to fly back to the Marius Zone.
Now, we all know that mechanical contraptions in fantasy universes are notoriously unreliable, and there is no way the kids are making it through the game without crashing this thing. And since they had an uneventful journey to the Red Dragon Cave, obviously the return trip is not going to go well. Almost immediately, Jessica mutters, “Hmmm…that’s strange.” Kyle, who must like air travel as much as I do, replies, “I don’t like the tone of your voice, Jess…” I imagine him white-knuckling the railing and sucking down tiny bottles of scotch. As they’re calmly chatting, the balloon is see-sawing up and down on the screen like an invisible toddler is “flying” it over his playpen. Nash, not so calmly, asks, “Um, why, pray tell, are we floating down rather than up?” Even when he’s afraid he’s going to die, he has to sound like a preening tool. Oh, Nash. Mia notes, “Actually, it feels more like falling than floating!” But you guys, don’t worry! Jess has got this. “Don’t panic!” she assures them. “Everything is under control! Let me just press this button…” A beat later, she adds, “Okay…NOW WE CAN PANIC!” What? You mean the balloon had a mechanical failure? That never happens! How could the esteemed next-door neighbor of the “Hot Girl News” editor let them down like this?
As Kyle finally gets around to laying the blame on trusting a woman to drive, Nash bullshits something about trying to soften the landing with magic, and his all-caps “LAAANNNDDDINNNGGGGG” sends us into another anime scene. From the top-down point of view of the balloon, I guess, the basket careens toward the ground, spinning wildly, as our intrepid, super-brave heroes hold on for dear life, scream incoherently at each other, and try not to vomit. I’m guessing they fail–there’s no way I could keep it in if I were falling and spinning like that. Nash wails, “THIS IS MESSING UP MY HAIR!!!” which seems like a failure to use enough product, and Jessica screams, “KYYYYYYLE!!! SAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEE!!!” Oh man, that girl is such a hot mess. She’s probably going to deny crying that the second they hit the ground and clean the vomit off each other, assuming they don’t all get their heads smashed on the ground like watermelons. The balloon hits the earth with a metallic thwonk over a black screen.
I have no comment, this is just extremely funny.
As if listening to five teenagers and a shrieky cat scream at the top of their lungs wasn’t enough of a crime on my ears, the game fades back in with the goddamn Reza horns tune. The kids, indeed, crashed in the middle of Reza, were thrown bodily out of the balloon, and are out cold. Just to bring this ridiculousness full circle, four members of the Thieves’ Guild saunter onto the screen, clasp their hands with delight at the busted balloon, and lift it right out of there without even calling for a nurse for our heroes. I imagine them going “hup hup hup hup hup” as they carry it back to their Bazaar of Sticky-Fingered Assholes.
Eventually they all wake up and complain about their various bruises and concussions, even though Nash insists, “We’re fine…fortunately I was able to soften the landing a little…” I bet he didn’t do shit. Just as they’re coming around to realizing they’re back in the den of vipers that is Reza, Laike shows up, laughing his neckbearded balls off. “As soon as I heard the crash and looked outside, I knew it was you kids!” he tells them. So, as soon as he saw them he knew it was them? Right. Shut up, Laike. The leader of the Thieves’ Guild comes outside with Laike as well, and they have to break the news to him that Lily wasn’t in the Red Dragon Cave. He’s just like “Oh” because he’s probably had some time to think about his own negligent culpability in her getting kidnapped in the first place. But back to Laike. Alex silently fills in his dictator mentor on their adventures, and Laike interjects with various assholish lines like, “Ho, ho, ho!! I knew that crazy contraption was going to crash!” So did everyone.
Yes, you are.
“Well, Alex,” he finally starts in with something useful, “while you were making an impact crater in the middle of Reza…I heard that the bridge you destroyed in Meryod was fixed. First a bridge, then a balloon…I’m sensing a trend! Ho, ho, ho!” Is the trend that teenagers are irresponsible and reckless, or that teenagers are too stupid to have natural distrust in something that’s obviously a piece of shit? We could go either way, here. But the point is, the Blue Dragon Cave is past Meryod, in the Stadius Zone, and Alex somehow needs to be told that that should be his next destination. Laike is sure to laugh at his good fortune one more time like the demented Santa Claus he is.
But Alex’s foray into the wilds of the Stadius Zone will have to wait. Next time, another Cave of the Wind, a town full of autotune disasters, a Mary Sue singer jamboree, and, of course, the Blue Dragon. Until then!