The fields are separated by several small creeks, and to get across Alex has to hop on special spring pads that pop his little sprite into the air over the water. I guess building bridges was too hard for a village full of engineers. Across one of these divides, the gang finds a gigantic carrot stuck in the ground. Squeak and Kyle make sure we understand that this thing is a penis, like I needed help with that, but nobody is impressed with its taste. The implied visual of five teenagers and a tiny flying cat simultaneously mouthing a giant carrot should have been an anime cutscene and I’m devastated by this oversight.
About halfway through the fields, Nash gains a level and learns a new ability, Thunder Thrust. I’m sure that’s what he thinks it feels like, but Ghaleon Mia knows better.
To the north is another giant carrot that Squeak insists doesn’t smell like the other nasty ones. Kyle decides this means it must taste great, and shouts, “C’mon, Alex! Let’s chow down!” Yes, Kyle and Alex should absolutely go to town on the giant carrot. I approve of this. When Kyle starts making orgasmic noises like a Food Network chef, Jessica complains that he’s going to have “stomach cramps” and wonders if it’s “fermented,” since Kyle is so enthusiastic about it. Yes, Kyle is basically making love to a huge dong with his mouth and Jess is bent out of shape that he likes it better than he likes her and her IUD necklace. Good grief.
It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Endive! (Sorry.)
Past the blue ribbon carrot wang, the kids find another gang of puffy bugs and a fluffy bug groupie floating around. But when the puffy bugs have been defeated, the fluffy bug remains on the screen, and they corner it against some apparently impenetrable bushes. Kyle and Jess banter about Kyle knowing how to handle “feisty things,” Jess basically says she’ll pop him in the eye socket the next time he “makes the moves” on her (i.e. never), and the kids return to Iluk, fluffy bug in hand. And conveniently enough, Shira tells them he has just finished constructing the balloon! Either he’s incredibly efficient or Kyle was humping that carrot back there for several hours longer than I thought. But no matter: after he runs outside with the fluffy bug, Shira shortly returns and announces that it’s been installed, “But according to my calculations, the balloon won’t be completely inflated until tomorrow morning…” Why not just say he had to work on the balloon all night? Sigh. He invites them to sleep on his floor until then, which is probably entirely too close to the “Hot Girl News” guy and his telescope for Mia’s tastes, but Iluk isn’t exactly brimming with five-star hotels.
A black screen ushers the gang to the next morning, when Shira enters again and tells them the balloon is inflated. “And you’ll be ready to travel to the volcano and the Frontier!” he declares, jumping way ahead in the plot. Outside on the wooden platform next to Shira’s house, the balloon awaits, but it’s still in a sadly flaccid, deflated state. Shira freaks out, since he “double- and triple-checked” his calculations. “This balloon should be bursting at the seams by now!” he cries. Maybe it should go have a bite of that carrot–that did the trick for Kyle. But while Shira frets, Squeak frowns at Alex and goes to kick the tires, as it were, and as soon as he touches his nose to it or whatever, the balloon springs to attention like Squally in a room full of naked Seifers. That it was completely deflated two seconds ago is highly disconcerting, but Shira ushers them into the basket anyway.
“This doesn’t look very different from steering a ship…” Jessica says with a grin, “so I’ll take the controls!” I can’t imagine a hot air balloon’s controls, such as they even are, could look remotely similar to a ship’s, but amazingly nobody objects, not even Kyle. After everybody but Alex has had their say about how fun or terrifying this looks, they’re on their way, floating westward over the mesa to the smoking volcano that houses the Red Dragon Cave.
As soon as the balloon touches down within the crater, Squeak notes, “It’s not hot at all inside this volcano, Alex…what’s going on?” Mia fanwanks that the volcano might be a powerful magical illusion, but she really has no idea. That doesn’t stop Nash from seizing on her theory and treating it as ironclad fact, though: “It’s the power of the Red Dragon, of course…” he mansplains. “Althena’s guardians are only slightly less powerful than the Goddess herself.” He’s got about as much actual fact behind him as an average RedState post, but everybody just shrugs at Professor Nash and moves on.
Deeper within the cave, the gang discovers the main architectural feature of this place: columns of melted rock that look–thanks to the black, hollow-seeming tops–like the sloughed-off skin of sentient penis monsters. Alex keeps this in mind as he fights through several waves of Blood Slimes, which are little blobs of evil lava on the battle screen but appear as pewter-colored semen puddles within the dungeon. Yikes.
It’s like a circumcision graveyard in here.
In the next area, the cave opens up into the full volcanic crater, as the party traverses what is effectively an island surrounded by a lake of magma. Naturally, the second they’re wading around in the hottest place on the planet and battling lava devils, Mia learns Magma Bomb, a normally fantastic single-target attack that is of course worth bupkis in here. Impeccable timing as always, Ms. Ausa. Good thing, though, for all of her actual ice spells, and the ice-imbued weapons I bought for Alex and Jessica back in Reza. I should really quit my bitching.
Past more Blood Semens, creatively named Fire Elementals, purple devil wizards with fiery limbs called Burners (hereafter called Flamers), scorpions (don’t look at me), and inexplicable chests with Star Lights inside, Alex finds a doorway leading deeper into the volcano. Once they’re through, a voice calls out, “You who seek to test your mettle in the Dragon Trial heed my words.” Squeak derps, “Are you the Red Dragon?” The voice replies, “No, I’m the Dalai Lama,” and goes on, “If you wish to claim my power, your bravery must be demonstrated for all to witness. Move forward without fear… And I shall embrace you within the warmth of my presence.” Alex opens his mouth for the first time in this entire recap to mutter, “We’re brave enough…” Such an inspiring leader of men! The green eyes give him an inimitable way with words!
Yawn. At least this display of “bravery” on Alex’s part convinces the Red Dragon to heal the party’s HP and MP, because Jessica was completely gassed already. Everything in this place does way too much damage, and I’m already way sick of this fire bullshit. And good news, there’s about to be even more of it: to the west, after fighting through a large group of Flamers and Blood Semens, Alex finds the next door, but it’s past a wall of fire. Remembering the words of the Red Dragon, or maybe just not giving a damn because Jess has healing spells, Alex summons all his courage and strides through the fire. Ooh, he’s so brave and handsome! He took 20 whole damage! Give him the stupid Dragonmaster shield already!
Bukkake Rush does a lot of damage!
Another fight with Blood Semens earns Jessica her Saint Litany ability, because she is such a saint, according to no one. Whether or not she has earned it, though, it’s highly useful. She also, shortly after that, gets a fabulous, pointy Rainbow Tiara from a chest, which must be magically connected to Milich Oppenheimer‘s hat rack. She’d better keep that thing locked in her cosmetics kit or Kyle won’t be able to resist it.
At the southern end of this area, Alex comes across a tiny crater in the floor. It’s too squashed to look like a penis–it looks more like a giant zit. And it looks even more like one when Alex steps on it and it flares to life, shooting him on a little burst of volcanic pus all the way to another platform, where he finds a Flame Sword he can use to cauterize these little pustules. Also, even though Alex has already proven himself willing to suffer burn damage in order to be the Dragonmaster, getting fire blown up his ass does no damage to him at all. Nash’s pants don’t even catch on fire, and as we’ll see later, they really should.
In the northwest corner, the gang comes across a much larger fire hazard than the one they crossed to reach this level. It’s such a long fire gauntlet that there’s even monsters and a treasure chest in the middle of it, so this is no breezy jaunt over the coals. The monster group inside the fire corridor–which Alex encounters after taking three goddamn ticks from the flame damage–has three Blood Semens and three Flamers, which makes me want to find my own lake of lava to jump into. And as if this could get any better, two steps after they’ve emerged from the fire and Squeak is tending to smoldering tufts of his cat fur, the camera pulls back to show two stone gargoyles stationed in front of the next doorway. “Looks like it’s time to teach some bitches to heel!” Kyle quips. Bitches! They’re dogs! Get it? Jessica, who goes out of her way to find reasons to scream in Kyle’s face, says nothing in response.
At least Alex has the chance to heal up between their ordeal in the fire corridor and the boss fight, but it’s a narrow thing. Two steps later, Royce appears to break open cookies and read shitty fortunes, and also flap her tits around. “Such impatience!” she snarls. “Couldn’t you at least have the courtesy to wait until I had a proper trap prepared?” Lady, please. You had all the time in the world before and still couldn’t come up with anything better than a copy of Jessica’s dad. And how much time does she really require? The kids had to travel here in a balloon they had specially commissioned for this task and had to wait for its completion. She can fucking teleport. Come on, Royce, get your head in the game.
“You’re really wearing my nerves thin, honeybomb,” Kyle growls at her. I don’t even know what that means. “I think it’s time you left.” I’m sure she’ll get right on that. Royce replies, “If only it were that easy for you, my cross-dressing foe. I’m not going anywhere.” Kyle lets Royce’s much more germane slam on him slide, because it’s true and he has no comeback. Jess threatens to show Royce the door, like Royce isn’t going to teleport out of here in five seconds. She’s not going to fuck fight you, Jess!
Sure enough: “I’m afraid I don’t have the time to enjoy your quasi-adorable antics…” Royce says, backing up further and luring these morons right in between the gargoyles. “But if my little pets here do their job, that won’t be a problem in the future…” On cue, the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper’s eyes light up. “Alex! What are those things?!” Squeak wonders. I don’t even know how that isn’t a rhetorical question, but Mia puts on her Serious Cat face and announces, “Be careful, everyone! These guardians are formed of pure magic!” THEY ARE?! WOW.