As before, the non-participating party members are ordered to stay the fuck out of the baths. Don’t worry, none of the boys are going anywhere near that water. The strategy guide, for the record, advised me–nay, begged me–way back on the Hispaniola to buy four bars of soap, and it is clear the prime motivator is the chance to see Mia and Jessica naked, and not our earlier adventures with supple, naked man-flesh. Also, unlike at the dudes’ shrine, here at the ladies’ shrine the softcore cutscenes are random, so two bars of soap might not do the trick without saving beforehand and reloading the game. I am happy I have never personally felt the need to reload the game because I only got to see Mia naked twice. The guide actually says “Schwing” in this section. Whenever I miss the ’90s I just play this game. It usually clears up my nostalgia.
‘Let me brush this lock of hair over the precise location of my nipple! Tee hee!’
Oh, you actually want to know what they look like naked? Well, fine. Pretty good, obviously. I mean, we’ve already seen Jessica at least half naked. The game actually makes me switch to the second disc to see the goods, and I wonder if that was specifically done just to stoke dudes’ anticipation boners even further. Which is silly–they show even less of the girls than the guys. At least I got to see Kyle’s blurred asscrack.
Look out, Mia, that faucet penis is coming for you!
That’s enough fun with impossibly sexy teenage girls for now, so it’s time to get that airship. Fartnoise is not pleased that Alex brought this many people back to his tower, but tells them to just stay out of the way while he makes the final preparations, which will be completed by morning. In the meantime, he graciously offers that they sleep on his floor. What a host! After Nash complains about this, because Nash, a black screen segues to nighttime, where the kids have split up into their het pairings for some shuteye, or for some bonus teenage pregnancy conception time. And poor Dragonmaster Alex is stuck with nothing but a stuffed animal for company. He wonders if Laike and Tempest are humping like bunnies right now. Seethe!
On the right side of the room, Kyle is excitedly telling Jess that tomorrow they will take on “the baddest guy in the history of the world!” And his fur-lined stripper ensemble is going to be on point when the reporters come to take pictures after their victory. Jess clearly thinks he’s overconfident, but manages not to say so in a scolding manner for once. But after a beat when they both seem to kind of realize that Alex is standing there eavesdropping, Kyle then forgets this entirely and says, “Before we go, Jess, I have to tell you something. I have to tell you that I…that I…” And of course this is the cue for Jess to tease him into saying nothing: “I can’t hear you, Kyle! Your voice is trailing off!” So Kyle gets all upset that she’s fucking with him when he’s trying to bare his soul to her, and they start bickering. I finally figured out the problem with these two: they can’t figure out how to both be either serious or lighthearted at the same time. When one is trying to be earnest, the other is always trying to joke around and stay emotionally detached, so they’re never on the same wavelength. Also they are just horribly incompatible and Jess needs to settle down with Fresca on an alpaca ranch.
Whoa, hey now, he was just going to ask you to take care of his hamster.
Jess is moping about how Kyle “won’t” say those “three little words” to her when he just fucking tried and she shut him down by making fun of him, and Alex has had about five lifetimes’ worth of that shit from these two, so he goes to talk to Mia and Nash. The mood is similarly dour over on the left, but not for the same reasons. Mia is cautiously excited for the next day’s adventure, but Nash is having none of it. “I know things you don’t, Mia,” he says, and this is maybe the only time that’s ever been true. “I know for a fact that Ghaleon is immensely strong… Much stronger than you, Alex, or anyone else believes.” Alex saw his “Ow Big Fucking Rocks” spell, I think he knows what he’s in for.
Nash openly tries to talk Mia out of going because he’s afraid they’re all going to die, and it’s telling that he only tries this with her, and not anyone else. Because he’s being a white fucking knight for his non-girlfriend. But when Nash asks her why she would fight if she is also scared, she smiles and says, “…Because it’s my duty, Nash! It’s my duty as the next leader of the Magic Guild to protect the Goddess from harm! And also because I’m not a fucking coward!” By the way, that “protect the Goddess from harm” line goes more or less unexamined, but I wonder why Mia would put it that way when as far as anyone knows now, Althena is in no danger. Unintentional foreshadowing! Nash, however, seizes on the “next leader of the Magic Guild” part and tells her, “That’s why you can’t just throw your life away like Alex and the others!” Nice, Nash. Real fucking nice. Alex is standing right there. Mia also tells Nash she had no choice but to get over her crippling imposter syndrome re: living up to her birthright and her mother’s footsteps, and start living in the present. And not being a fucking coward, again. Nash is still all frowny faces and ellipses, so let’s tentatively consider him unconvinced.
Alex goes to sleep with the fears of all his companions hanging over him, but the next morning cheery music greets them all on the rooftop, where Fartnoise is still making the final preparations for the airship, which is basically a bronze dirigible with some golden balls randomly hanging from it. I’m sure the golden balls are really, super important. Everyone else waits silently for Fartnoise to finish, but Nash separates from the group and mopes in a corner, in a clear “ASK ME WHAT’S WRONG ALEX” posture. Can’t any of these assholes just talk about their feelings? So Alex does the heavy lifting again and talks to Nash. I’m sure he’s just got cold feet! Haha, totally normal! HE’S FINE.
As has been obvious for several hours now, Nash is not fine. “Face it, Alex…even our combined strength isn’t enough to match Ghaleon’s power,” he mopes. “It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re the Dragonmaster. Nothing matters now…” Well, that’s fucking cheery. Alex is still clueless and smiling at him like this will just blow over, but at that moment Fartnoise says the airship is finished, which makes Kyle and Squeak spout some random bullshit about defeating the Magic Emperor, like they’ve been doing for ages, and that is just a bridge too far for Nash. He stares at them and makes the whole thing awkward, and finally Mia is like, “What the fuck is your problem?” Stop bringing down the entire group’s positive energy, hair helmet!
“We’re going to fight Ghaleon…” Nash breathes. “We’re going to fight Ghaleon?! Ha, ha, ha! I’ve never heard anything so absurd in my life!” He really could have spoken up sooner if he thought it was such a dumb idea. Nash runs over to the airship while Mia is looking at him like he farted. “You’ve all seen Ghaleon’s power, and you’re deluding yourselves if you think you can beat him!” he yells. “If you travel to the Frontier, you’re all going to die! Don’t any of you understand that?!” No, please, Nash, mansplain it to the group some more. Mia keeps giving him her best “Why won’t you stop farting? YOU ARE EMBARRASSING US” face, but Nash has gone past the point of no return and is not about to feel shame for acting like a douche. Hence: “Ghaleon knows everything, Mia. I’ve been reporting to him since the beginning…”
Okay, a short break from Nash’s deeply telegraphed heel turn: what exactly does “since the beginning” mean? Everyone already knew that he was Ghaleon’s apprentice, and they also had to know he was giving info to Royce, because they caught him at it in Vein, albeit before it was explicitly known by these gullible morons that Ghaleon and the Vile Sisters were bad guys. So I guess he means he began reporting to Ghaleon right after that, when Ghaleon had his “coming out party” and kidnapped Gams? But that’s not even the real problem: what has he even been telling Ghaleon? “My lord, I have intrigues! Alex is still trying to become Dragonmaster, in the exact order that seems proscribed to all potential Dragonmasters, in the locations you already know about because you traveled to them with the last Dragonmaster. Also, we sculpted items out of clay at grandpa’s house, and Kyle and Jessica still think they can make their shitty relationship work.” I can’t think of a single thing that Nash could have ratted about that would have actually made a difference in Ghaleon’s plan or approach, or would have sabotaged Alex in any way. And if Ghaleon really wanted Nash to fuck with the Dragonmaster, he has had innumerable opportunities to suffocate Alex with a bedroll in the middle of the night, and has not done so. He could have blamed it on Squeak and everything!
Shut up, Squeak.
But no matter! Kyle and Jess have some unkind words for Nash regarding this difficult-to-quantify betrayal, but Nash doesn’t care–his main goal at this point is to keep them from going to the Frontier. Not for Ghaleon, I imagine, who FUCKING ASKED Alex to come to the Frontier, but for himself, because he doesn’t want Mia caught in the crossfire. So with a jaunty “Check this out!” he zaps the airship’s engine with a single lightning bolt, leaving a gaping vaginal wound in its side. At that moment, Royce appears. “Ha, ha, ha! Well done, Nash! Very well done!” Nash doesn’t say anything–maybe he, like me, is contemplating if Ghaleon even wanted this done, since that makes no fucking sense. Ooh, Ghaleon is so powerful he will easily kill them all, so Nash had better stop them from going to see him, which Ghaleon explicitly invited them to do, since their total inability to take him on will somehow endanger his plans. Clearly Ghaleon’s Machiavellian schemes are so byzantine that an inferior intellect like me will never understand them.
Nash at least has the grace to apologize–only to Mia, of course–before he and Royce disappear. Mia looks like she’s going to unravel, Kyle is still spitting angry, and Jess groans, “He’s told Ghaleon about everything we’ve done…” What exactly would he not already know? In the moment, Ghaleon was more personally up to date on Alex’s Dragonmaster progress than Mia and Jess were. He was fucking there! “And now he’s telling Ghaleon that we’re going to the Frontier!” she adds. Dude, really? REALLY? Like, this whole thing works on an emotional level because Nash is a prick anyway, and he did blow up the airship, which is legit not okay, but five seconds of examination makes his traitor turn fall to pieces.
While I’m at it, I guess we’re supposed to think that Nash’s earlier absence after Alex returned to Tamur was because he was chatting with Royce about their plans. So…what did he tell her? That Fartnoise might build them an airship? Obviously they were going to be attempting something like that, so the only news would be if it were Fartnoise helping them, which was not a sure thing as far as Nash knew at the time. And at the risk of seriously belaboring the point, Ghaleon doesn’t seem to give a fuck if they come to the Frontier. And why hasn’t Nash been sabotaging all their other plans? I don’t think we’re supposed to believe the hot air balloon failed because of him (and why sabotage it on the way back, anyway), or that the bridge in Meryod collapsed due to sabotage, or that his love song with Mia sucked because he was tanking it. Random circumstance has fucked these kids over roughly 20 times harder than anything Nash has supposedly done. This is so goddamn asinine.
To the matter at hand, Fartnoise is still here, and obviously not happy about Nash fucking up his engine. He tells them there’s no way he can repair it, which leads Kyle to wonder, “Who says we have to repair it at all?” His idea, of course, is to replace Fartnoise’s engine with the only other mechanical device they’ve encountered: the engine from Shira’s dodgy piece of shit hot air balloon. Fartnoise is like, “No, no, Shira is a fucking hack,” but they have zero other options so it’ll have to do.
But the kids’ trek to Reza to look for their stolen, brokedick balloon will have to wait, because I’m all out of energy for their drama. Next time, the Frontier! More silly drama with Nash! And Alex will make some long overdue additions to his sad naked lady poster collection. Until then!