The silver lining, of course, is that Alex has Laike with him, and Laike is still a BAMF. Alex, who I really thought was coming along nicely, looks like a piddly shit loser next to Laike, who is hacking up demonic mirrors and spiky purple crystals for like 250 damage a pop. But at least there are Harley Quinn-cosplaying hedgehogs in floating top hats, because those can only be damaged by magic. Sword magic, like Alex’s, of course. Why, it’s almost like this place was set up especially for these two men!

Remember, Alex is inside an enclosed metal pipe.

Oh my God. I just realized Alex and Laike are on a date, and Laike has orchestrated this elaborate couple activity just for them! It all makes sense. He is probably slipping the top hat hedgehogs a fiver every time he gets to see Alex’s Explosion Staff. And they’re not going to see some dickhead named Myght at all. They’re going to reach the top and find a bed covered in rose petals and a pair of furry red handcuffs to match the Blue Dragon Earflap Hat (which Alex will have to leave on). Then they will ravage each other.

I will pay someone 10 dollars to tell me what the fuck these things are supposed to be.

Fucking finally, Alex and Laike reach the top, and to my dismay, there is in fact a dickhead named Myght here, and not a cabinet full of lube and dildos shaped like the Sword of Althena. Filing this away for a fanfic, then. Myght’s towertop workshop, which is dominated by massive gears that are powering some unknown and probably nonexistent machine, is eerily tidy–sure, there are random wooden crates everywhere, but they’re not even open or spilling packing peanuts on the floor, and all the work surfaces are clean and all the books are actually on bookshelves. I am married to an engineer and I’m pretty sure they are genetically incapable of having clean desks. A random lady who probably has to clean Myght’s bedpan tells them that they can take the door next to her to go back downstairs easily, as it’s actually the opening to a chute that connects to the ground floor. This is the Phallus of fucking Nephilim all over again, isn’t it? Except I guess Myght and his assistants have no need of visiting the middle floors, except to feed the maze monsters and restock the treasure chests. Still better than bedpan duty.

So, Myght. Like other “major” characters, the old man gets his own introductory anime during which he talks directly to the camera Alex and sums up his entire personality in 20 seconds of rushed, bad voice acting. But it’s especially bad this time, because Alex already has heard these exact points several times already–from Laike, from Jessica, from fucking posters on the walls of this very tower. For posterity, here’s Myght’s monologue: “Is there something wrong with your eyes? Didn’t you see the signs warning about the cranky stinky rude genius? Well that’s me Myght! I hate noise interruptions and people! You’re trespassing go away! *fart noise*” I could have put commas in there, but the guy playing Myght apparently doesn’t believe in pausing between words. I’m not even sure I should have used multiple sentences.

Okay, the desk is acceptably messy now.

So beyond the fact that Myght is basically two annoying character traits half-baked into a character, he’s also barely in the story at all, other than to build an airship for Alex. And yet, even though he’s basically a rude and gross version of Shira, he has his own portrait and anime intro. He is a walking, pants-shitting violation of the law of character economy. I am nicknaming him Fartnoise both because having a character who farts and smells bad is obviously the only reason he’s in the story–RIP, Working Designs–and because that’s the sound I make (with my mouth, thanks) every time Alex has to waste a scene talking to him.

Anyway. Laike thinks Fartnoise is just hilarious and guffaws that it’s nice to see that he hasn’t changed. “At least it smells like you’re eating better these days,” he does add. Dude, no. No. Fartnoise thankfully gets to the fucking point and wonders what Laike wants, since nobody in their right mind would come here without needing something. Laike introduces Alex, gives Fartnoise the bare bones of the story so far, and Fartnoise guesses from the bit about the Frontier and the Magic Emperor that Alex wants an airship. He even agrees to build it without more than a modicum of petulant bitching, so clearly he’s not really as big of an asshole as he pretends to be. Not that we’ll spend any time exploring that, because he’s just a plot device who eats too many beans.

“Now you have a way to reach the Frontier, Alex,” Laike says. “Which brings you to the Black Dragon… I’ve heard rumors it can be found in the Prairie to the south of Tamur.” You lying son of a bitch. Okay, first off, “rumors” my fat white ass. Second, he told Alex’s dipshit friends to sit around in Tamur all this time, pretending to investigate the Black Dragon’s whereabouts–he actually fucking said, “I don’t know anything about finding the Black Dragon”–just as a pretense to get Alex alone so they could fuck inside one of the U-bends downstairs, didn’t he? There’s no need for these games, Laike. Alex wants it, and he wants you to give it to him.

Neither Alex nor Squeak bother to call out Laike on his ruse, or act like he’s even contradicted himself at all, because Alex is feeling all flush and satisfied, and Squeak got to watch. Laike is going to stay and chat with his old friend Fartnoise and basically tells Alex to go back to Tamur without him because he can’t come along for a Dragon Trial, since that would be, like, cheating. (No spoilers.) And Fartnoise pledges that the airship will be ready when he’s back and all Dragonmastery. And then it’ll be smooth sailing, and nothing bad will happen! (No spoilers!)

Okay, so this is a completely pointless aside but I just have to comment on something else. Back downstairs, the blue-haired elf congratulates Alex on getting Fartnoise to build him an airship. “He must have taken a liking to you all. I’m quite impressed! [Fartnoise] doesn’t like anyone…he even hates me!” He then goes on, really, “[Fartnoise] was a friend of Dragonmaster Dyne, and built many inventions for Dyne to take on his adventures… But he doesn’t seem very fond of Dragonmasters any more. I wonder what happened to change his mind?” Let’s set aside that this is blatant foreshadowing, given that we’ve met exactly one other old friend of Fartnoise’s, and he’s the mysteriously powerful bearded dude hanging out with him upstairs right now. More importantly, this series of statements makes NO SENSE AT ALL. Fartnoise was friends with Dyne, but now he doesn’t seem fond of Dragonmasters, even though there haven’t been any Dragonmasters since Dyne. And this dingus just fucking said Fartnoise took a liking to Alex, and Alex is about to be the next Dragonmaster. But he hates Dragonmasters! Except for the only two he’s ever known in his life. What the fuck are we even talking about?

Welp, I need a shower.

Alex has had enough of this stupid tower, so back to Tamur. Kyle and Jess are drunk, naturally, and Mia is stone-cold sober, also naturally. Nash is nowhere to be found. Mia explains to Alex that they’re all “ready to leave,” despite the fact that her two table companions probably can’t walk in a straight line right now, but that they can’t find Nash. I wonder if they’ve even looked. Squeak is in the middle of telling them about Fartnoise and the airship when Nash comes bustling back into the bar. He seems much more chipper than when Alex left them, and Kyle notes this: “What the hell? When you left here, you were sulkier than a three-year-old! [Hic!]” Jess piles on and calls Nash a “weirdo” for his wild emotional swings, because she’s a humongous hypocrite. That said, it’s a good thing for Nash that the two people likeliest to be suspicious of his absence are too drunk to do anything but make fun of him, because he has no answer for where he’s been, and nobody asks him again. “Uh…well…anyway…something’s going on in the town square,” he says instead. “A man and a woman seem to be having an extreme disagreement with another man…” Thanks, Captain Specificity!

The kids go outside to see what the commotion is, and discover that the man and the woman in question are Fauxlex and Pseudogams. They are in the middle of hanging the Dross lookalike the kids ran into earlier. Well, the noose is very clearly around Doppeldross’s body, not his neck, but Fauxlex is very clear about his intentions. Also Doppeldross is complaining that he can’t breathe, so maybe the rope is very tight around his chest? Or he has asthma? Don’t look at me. Fauxlex the hall monitor says Doppeldross has to die per “the law of the Prairie,” and generally sounds like he would be no fun at parties. Squeak explains the situation to suddenly blind Alex, and Alex can choose to help Doppeldross or assume, “He probably deserved it.” Of course he’s not going to say that, he’s Alex the Pure and True and Green-Eyed! He runs over and cuts down Doppeldross, who for his part runs the fuck out of town without so much as a thank you. Pseudogams finally gets a line and shouts, “Come back here!” while remaining completely still. He was worth hanging, but not running after! These are riding pants, and her running pants are back home! After all this, Alex recognizes the two people who saved them earlier, and we get another introductory anime. But this one has talking! Totally necessary.

Fauxlex stares into the camera, like everyone does, hands on hips and frowning. “We are of the Plains Tribe. I am Tempest and this is Fresca,” the man named Tempest says, nodding his head toward the can of grapefruit soda with a blue wig standing behind him. Sorry, that’s the only thing I will ever think of when I hear “Fresca.” Anyway. “That man was trying to sell fake medicine to the desperate people here! He knowingly lied for profit!” Okay, maybe I’m just jaded, but YAWN. Ooooh, he lied for profit! I’ve never heard of anybody doing that before! “It is the rule of the Prairie to execute liars! Why do you dare to interfere in our tribal affairs? Are you a thief as well?” Wait, now we’re just executing all liars? Hey, Tempest, I think you’re a super cool and original character! Whoops, better hang me!

Uncle Tempest wants YOU for the world’s most offensive Native American-themed Japanese dating sim!

Out of the cutscene, the music picks up tempo at this outrageous accusation that Alex might be a thief, or worse, A LIAR. Seriously, Tempest seems like a total drag. Alex yells back at him, “This isn’t the Prairie! The laws of Tamur are different… And they don’t allow you to hang a man until he’s been proven guilty of a crime!” There are like four buildings here, I don’t think they have any laws. And if they do, how the fuck would Alex know? He’s spent, what, five minutes here? Fresca cuts in with, “You fought the Vile Tribe at Tamur Pass…you know our cause is just. I must know why you took it upon yourself to interfere…” Is Doppeldross a member of the Vile Tribe? No? Then stop. Tempest and Ruby Red Squirt decide that Alex must be some kind of cowardly menstruating pussy, because he would keep them from hanging A LIAR. And thus he must prove he’s has a big old throbbing penis by dueling Tempest. That makes total sense! I mean, I guess it’s good that they’re not demanding he go murder some other lying dickhead to prove his manhood, but still. Tempest also says, “If you defeat me, I shall pledge my allegiance to your cause.” How does he even know Alex has a cause? Maybe Alex is just some guy who owes Xeboobia 50 bucks.

Tempest, as we know, is an archer, and hits Alex for like 20 damage a turn compared to the 130 damage Alex can put out, so this duel is sad and over quickly. No more feeling like a loser now! Tempest is all impressed with Alex, because he swing sword good like manly man hurr durr, and their prior disagreement over capital punishment is entirely forgotten. Fresca also grudgingly praises Alex, while muttering, “I still can’t believe you bested Tempest…” Next time he should try not being the guy who brings a bow to a melee duel. Even Tempest tells her Alex won fair and square, but Fresca retorts, “Hardly. Tempest, you’re exhausted! We’ve been riding for 3 days…” OH MY GOD, TEMPEST IS SO KEWL AND TOUGH. God, who cares. Anyway, the reason they’ve been working themselves so hard is that their tribe’s singer was kidnapped by the Vile Tribe “5 moons past.” Uh huh. Wouldn’t that be, like, five months? And they’ve been riding three days? Whatever. But this means that Alex’s cause is the one Tempest was already pledged to, which I guess is good news, and makes them immediate besties. He hands Alex a token of his totally platonic man-love, a necklace with a dragon’s skull pendant. Judging by Fresca’s monosyllabic questions, this is an item of some import, but Tempest knows what he’s doing. “This amulet was bestowed upon me by the elders of our tribe,” he says. “It is a symbol of bravery beyond what is normal. I pray that it brings you luck in your search as well.” Alex tries to give it back if it’s so important, but Tempest and Fresca run out of town before he can finish his sentence, probably to find Doppeldross and hang him where Alex won’t interfere.