After they’ve gone, Squeak happens to take a look at the item that was overtly labeled “Dragon Necklace,” and realizes it kind of looks like a dragon! Wow, amazing! Jess says it’s a “relief carving” of a dragon, which, whatever you guys think, I guess. Nash infers from there, “Perhaps that barbarian…I mean, warrior…of the Prairie…can help us find the lair of the Black Dragon!” In fairness, I was expecting it to take way longer than that for these dumbasses to make that connection. Or they could just go back to Laike and make him tell them where the fucking Black Dragon is, because who are we trying to kid at this point?
In theory, the kids have no idea where Tempest and Fresca just absconded to, and have no way of finding them. In practice, there’s only one other place to go to from Tamur besides Fartnoise’s Tower, and that’s the–sigh–forest to the south. And as if I weren’t amped up enough for yet another goddamn forest, the music for this one has been lifted from Damon’s Spire, so I can be reminded of that fun experience and all other the wonderful forests Alex has encountered! Yay! Squeak says, “Alex, this must be the Forest of Illusion,” a place that was referenced offhandedly by a teenage girl NPC in Tamur who basically told them it was the go-to spot for locals to conceive a teen pregnancy. Jess asks, “Did anyone else get goosebumps the moment we entered…?” And it’s already happening! Mia also feels the quickening: “Yes! And I felt something else. I want to say it’s magical, but I believe it’s something else…” I need Nash to come out of the group with both hands away from his crotch, please.
A short way into the forest, the teens find a clearing. Kyle says the people of Pao, Tempest and Fresca’s village, have very nicely left a clean campground for travelers, even though Squeak points out that that is stupid and makes no sense. But Jess hand-waves that Kyle just knows about this shit, and suggests they make camp here. But Alex still has many fanged holly bushes to kill and chests of meaningless garbage to open! How could he possibly sleep when he could instead be plumbing this magical forest for its secrets?!
When I wake up from my boredom coma, the party has cleared out the northern half of the forest and found no exits, but plenty of healing nuts and fashion accessories of variable chicness. (In particular, Mia’s new “Holy Hairpin” sounds more like a ’60s Batman exclamation than a literal sanctified hair accessory. And yes, this is my way of copping to the fact that I keep shouting, “Holy Hairpin, Batman!” at myself, out loud, at random. I live an exciting life.) At a conspicuous thin spot in the line of trees keeping them from the south, the kids file out of Alex and watch Kyle prod at obvious illusory trees with his manly outdoorsman hands. Finally, he says, “Hmmm…I can feel it in my gut. The exit is close, but there’s nothing here…” That would be fine, but he has to add, thanks to the Working Designs VP of Fart Jokes, “Then again, maybe it’s just gas from last night’s fiberito surprise.” Super! Moving on. They head back toward the clearing, but stop halfway there so Jess can snit, “If we couldn’t find the exit in the daytime… There’s no way we can find it in the dark!” Nash yells back, “Could ya yell a little louder? Perhaps the monsters didn’t hear you?!!” I like how he’s oblivious both to his own volume and the fact that they’ve killed all the monsters in the area. But Alex can tell everybody needs a nap and maybe some time to work on those teen pregnancies if they’re so inclined, so they keep moving toward the clearing, where he announces they are stopping for the night.
That night they all sit in a circle around nothing, because somehow a group of teenagers, including an outdoorsy bandit and a fucking fire mage, can’t light a goddamn campfire. Nash tells them he is “convinced” magic is hiding the forest’s exit, and as usual he acts like he is the first person to reach this conclusion. Mia agrees. “There’s magic in this forest…” she says, “the air seems to be thick with it…” That’s just all the semen hunting for teenage uterus. “And on that pleasant note,” Kyle says to either Mia or me, “let’s get some sleep and start again tomorrow…”
The kids all lie down and close their eyes, but a certain brash blonde is in the mood for baring her soul to her man, and she sits back up and breathes, “Kyle…the Blue Star looks beautiful tonight, doesn’t it?” Oh great, it’s once again time for two characters to profess their love under a bright full…Earth. Whatever. “I’ve been thinking, Kyle,” Jess goes on. “About you…and about us. And what I think is that we should give it ano…” Here she realizes what has been obvious from the start: Kyle is inconsiderately asleep and ignoring her heartfelt desire for him to put his penis in her. He lets out a monstrous snore just so we get the point and so Jess can have something concrete to be mad at. But she gets over it, and says, “Ah well, rest well…my ignorant knight!” Girl. Come down to the next paragraph, we gotta talk.
Jessica, I need you to dig deep down and examine what exactly makes you want this relationship so badly. At one point it was obviously the “Tee hee, Daddy would never approve!” factor, but now that Daddy is a plot statue, that can’t be the reason. But it obviously isn’t how happy you two make each other, and I’ll just present the entire game up to this point as evidence. Is it that you feel compelled to give another chance to a guy who was sexy and fun once, but no longer works for you, because you are surrounded by coupled friends and feel your biological clock ticking away before you can even smoke legally? I am only concerned, Jess, because you seem unwilling to let go of this specific guy who simply may not be compatible with you, and the last thing I want is to see you turning into Sandy at the end of Grease, throwing away your own identity just so your possibly gay man will find you more appealing and acceptable as arm candy. Don’t be Sandy, Jess. You are better than that.
Once everybody is actually asleep, we cut to Alex’s sleepy brain, which is regaling him with a dream about Gams. She is somehow singing in the background, and screaming his name in the foreground, while visually she is smiling serenely and playing with her hair and neither screaming nor singing. Maybe this is her angel backup choir at work again. Finally, the sound is drowned out by blood filling up the screen. It also sounds like there might be a crying baby somewhere in there too? Don’t ask me how Alex’s surprisingly focused subconscious works. Also, I like how when Alex has a nightmare it’s about Gams, and when Gams has a nightmare it’s also about Gams. Let’s not forget who’s important here.
ALEX, I TOLD YOU TO PICK UP TAMPONS
Alex groans out Gams’s name as he wakes up and finds his companions still asleep. But before he can gently rouse Squeak from his sexual dream about fish, he hears rustling in the woods and shouts “Who…WHO’S THERE?!” at the top of his lungs, startling everyone awake except for Kyle and Squeak. The rustling was caused by two members of the Prairie Tribe who have pastel hair, like Suikoden elves, and want to know what the hell Alex and company are doing in their territory. Alex says they’re looking for Tempest, and one of them growls, “Tempest?! How dare you use the name of our chief to aid your deception…” Now, if these two are so suspicious that they’d jump to that conclusion, you’d think nothing would convince them Alex isn’t hostile, but moments later they spot Tempest’s gift to Alex. “The necklace you possess is the Black Dragon Pendant. And if our leader entrusted you with it… Then he obviously considers you his friends. Which makes you friends of the Prairie Tribe!” I was waiting for them to assume Alex murdered Tempest and took the pendant off his corpse, but of course that’s silly because Tempest is way too strong and virile and perfect to be defeated by anybody, ever, unless he’s been riding a horse for a while, and that totally makes it not count.
The prairie elves offer to escort their new pals to their village, and Kyle pops up alert as you please and says, “Geez…and just when I was looking forward to a good fight!” Jess is surprised that he was feigning sleep just now, and is even more surprised when he adds, “I’m really not as ignorant as you think I am, Jess.” So let’s take note that Kyle listened to his supposed lover open up to him and earnestly ask to rekindle their relationship, and he 1) pretended to be asleep so he wouldn’t have to engage with her emotionally, and 2) threw this knowledge in her face at a time when it would inflict maximum embarrassment. Soulmates!
Is there no safe refuge from Ebola?!
The kids wake up Squeak, who is still sleep-talking about fucking a fish, and follow the prairie elves to the spot in the tree line Kyle examined last night. The green-haired elf chants some bullshit and the illusory trees move aside to provide a path. “So that incantation is the key to unlocking the exit…” Nash Einsteins. Glad he was here to clear that up. Even better, the elves clarify that they don’t actually need to know the incantation because now that they’ve seen the exit they can’t unsee it. “Much like Kyle in drag,” I’m surprised no one says. Kyle wants to follow them closely just to be sure, but Alex is willing to trust them if it means getting to the treasure chests on the south side of the forest. He’s a trusting guy! And Nash can’t be expected to find his own sparkly Star Bracelets!
Andrew Jackson thinks this lady has it backward.
Out on the world map, the kids travel to the southern edge of the continent to a cluster of tipis next to a conspicuous phallic tower made of clay. I bet nobody we know lives there. The town greeter appears to be the same green-haired elf that escorted them here in the first place–at least their sprites are identical–and instead of telling them all about the theme of the village, he cries, “You shouldn’t be here! Our village is being overrun by a horrible disease! Leave while you still can!” I am choosing to believe this is in fact the same elf, because then I can yell at him for bringing them to the village when he knew it was beset by the fucking plague. Thanks, buddy!
This village is the physical manifestation of fanfiction.net.
One tent near the edge of the village has another identical green-haired elf standing guard outside, which maybe shoots my above theory in the foot but I’m sticking with it. He tells them this is the home of Chief Tempest. Squeak is scandalized by the notion that someone Alex’s age could be a village chief, and in fairness he was asleep when we first learned of this, but this is purely so the Prairieclone can reply, “We care not about age in Pao…strength is our only concern! And there’s no one in the Prairie with the strength of Tempest!” And plague or no, there’s no one in the Prairie who can barf as hard as I am right now.
Worried that Tempest might be in the middle of one of his six daily tongue baths, Alex first checks the other tents, where he finds Prairieclones in various stages of disease and duress. In one tent, he finds a green-haired Prairieclone semi-conscious on the floor, being tended to by a lavender-haired Prairieclone. I’d been taking the former as male and the latter as female, just for the record. My point is, there are villagers of both genders afflicted by the illness all over Pao. File that tidbit away for now.
The teens find that Tempest’s tent, like the TARDIS, is bigger on the inside, and has at least six different area rugs that all clash with one another, and one either has a hole cut into it for a fire pit or Tempest just built that fire right on top of a flammable object. I’m going to go with the latter, because Tempest needs something that makes him less than flawless in every conceivable way, and it may as well be that he’s a moron. Tempest is currently in the company of his mother, who tells them, “This disease spreading through our village is being caused by the Dark Songstress, I’m sure of it. Fresca, my son’s bride, is searching for her at this moment…” Dark Songstress, huh? I’m sure it’s nobody we know.