Tempest is all smiles when Alex greets him, as if they didn’t both last see and first meet each other fucking yesterday. When Jess asks about the Black Dragon, Tempest explains, “The Black Dragon Fortress is our sacred ground…and protecting it is the sworn duty of our people.” I only bother quoting this bit because a Prairieclone outside told Alex that the Prairie Tribe is nomadic and moves locations every few weeks. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to keep an eye on the Black Dragon Fortress even when the village itself is elsewhere, but I’d think it would be a lot more fucking convenient to just leave their tents here. Also if I were the Magic Emperor I’d just wait for Tempest and his elf pals to pack up their shit and ride off and then swoop in as soon as they’re out of sight. These guys might not be the best guardians the Black Dragon could ask for.

Alex hears all this and just has to return Tempest’s pendant to him, which makes Tempest all sad because that was his special BFF necklace, and he had the other half of the dragon skull on his own pendant, tied around his ballsack. Or because the game is trying in its sad, ham-handed manner to show us that Tempest and Alex are from two different cultures, and Tempest has a bunch of social mores riled up by being given back a gift. Either way I do not give a shit. Squeak tries to explain for Alex, “We don’t mean any disrespect! We just think you’re going to need it more than we do!” It’s a necklace, Squeak, what could either of them actually need it for? Unless the dragon skull is actually an elaborate key to the Black Dragon’s bedroom door, this doesn’t matter. Finally, Tempest says, “I will not take back your gift…but I will hold onto it for you. Is that a fair compromise?” DOOOOOOOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE.

Tempest is finally getting to the fucking point re: horrible village-wide plague when the background theme grinds to a halt and is replaced by a female voice singing wordlessly. The voice is juuuuust deep enough for us to get the point that this is the evil voice of the mysterious Dark Songstress we’ve never met, ever. Tempest needlessly explains all of this, while Alex and Squeak basically go, “Oh fuck, that’s Gams.” They don’t explicitly say her name, but they know, and I’m glad we’re cutting to the chase for fucking once.

As everyone stands around peering at the tent walls, like the Dark Songstress is going to teleport in here at any moment and claim the hot dude of her choice, Jessica’s sprite stumbles a few steps and then she mutters, with a new “I am so constipated” portrait, “Kyle…I…don’t feel so good…” And she drops to the floor. Kyle thinks she’s fucking with him, because these two are not a functional couple, but it becomes immediately obvious she ain’t playing. Mia, too, drops to Tempest’s tacky rugs, looking pale and sweaty, while Nash yells her name uselessly. Tempest is all, “Sorry, now your friends are gonna die,” and mentions that Fresca is looking for the Dark Songstress just as Fresca enters, also looking like she’s going to vomit black humors all over Tempest’s hideous interior décor. She manages to get out, “The songs are coming from inside the Black Dragon…Fortress…” before she hits the turf as well. Tempest takes one look at her and vows, “I shall find the Dark Songstress and snap her accursed neck!” And he sprints out of the tent while Alex, Kyle, and Nash still have their mouths hanging open. Look, he is an endlessly obnoxious Gary Stu, but I like his commitment to action, and also his commitment to killing Gams. Fresca is still conscious enough to beg them to follow him and help him, like they weren’t going to the Black Dragon Fortress anyway.

SO SUBTLE

So you’ll note that of the seven people in the room (not counting Tempest’s mom, because she’s sadly more of a prop than a character) the three afflicted with the plague are all ladies. This is wildly inconsistent with the other victims in the village, and yet no one comments on how bizarre it is. My theory is that Gams, sensing her man in the village with a bunch of ladies who aren’t her, decided to target them specifically with the Mary Suebonic Plague. Or the game designers just wanted to segregate out the girls for one dungeon (and also create some character stakes, I guess), and decided the most effective way to do that was to take away their agency and nearly kill them. Cool!

There is a man in front of the entrance to the fortress who told Alex earlier that nobody was allowed inside, not even members of the Prairie Tribe, on orders from the village elder. Motherfucker still will not let Alex in, even after it’s pointed out that he let in both Fresca and Tempest, the latter 30 seconds ago. But all Alex has to do is talk to the elder, who barely bats an eye before letting them go in to save Tempest. Why not just let Alex enter in the first place? I mean, the elder calls Tempest reckless and is obviously mad at him, and I do appreciate meeting someone who doesn’t have their unhinged jaw around his dick 24/7, but still.

So, the Black Dragon Fortress. As was obvious from the world map, it’s the only dragon lair that isn’t underground, and while I guessed it was made from clay or earth earlier, up close it looks like it was formed from petrified wood. It doesn’t really matter either way, but a giant dong spire made of wood appeals to me for obvious reasons. The boys don’t find Tempest right away, and have to go without his surely indispensable services for an entire floor before they catch up with him. I had Alex stock up on healing nuts before leaving Tamur just so Jess’s absence wouldn’t be an incredible pain in the ass, and even if I hadn’t, the monsters in here all just happen to drop a ton of healing items. As for Mia’s absence, it helps that Nash now has his–hee hee–Thunder Thrust spell, which would be the magical equivalent of Nash slapping every enemy with his dick, except it’s actually effective and the lightning strikes aren’t three and a half inches long.

Maybe this guy is why the girls had to stay behind?

And it’s not just battle-wise that this dungeon seems tailor-made for the men. Every piece of equipment the boys find in this dungeon is intended for one of them–they find nothing for either of the ladies. (You could argue that the Black Dragon did not think a man would be using the pink and purple Dream Bow, but Nash isn’t going to be shamed for wanting to be a Rebelle.) So the question is, is the Black Dragon a misogynist? Is this his boys-only treehouse, where he and his friends discuss ethics in games journalism? (Fingers crossed that it will not take long for this joke to feel incredibly dated.)

Wait, I’m on the wrong track. If we are to believe that the dragon trials are all consistent with one another, and the Blue Dragon’s trial required the potential Dragonmaster to be in love with someone, and the Black Dragon doesn’t want any chicks stepping foot in his pad, that means the dragons want the Dragonmaster to be a gay man. Nice.

Where were we? Right, Tempest. After they find him on the second floor, he exposits about the sudden appearance of all these powerful monsters, and attributes them as well to the “Black Songstress.” This is the kind of shit that requires me to go back through my footage and make sure I haven’t been mistakenly calling her the Dark Songstress all along because of a brain tumor affecting my specific capacity to read and transcribe names correctly. Sigh. They all resolve to find her–and Ghaleon, who is obviously involved in this as well–and Tempest joins the party. Of course, he brings nothing to the table that was actually needed–his only spells are a hail of arrows and an all-enemies spell called “Flash Wind” that does not, sadly, require him to get naked–but another party member means the fights all go faster, so I’m not too upset.

Even the icon for the spell sets it up to be something it isn’t.

The male foursome–and never has that phrase been more disappointing to me–fights its way through the fortress, encountering floating balls of moaning faces (fuck if I know), trolls with unkempt hair and bad breath (possibly the Black Dragon’s Gamergate pals), and most annoying of all, trapped treasure chests that suck out their mana. Having a map that explicitly tells me which chests to avoid somehow does not translate into me avoiding all of them. I temporarily forfeit my right to bitch about the strategy guide if I can’t even read it properly.

Close to the top of the fortress, Alex finds the Black Dragon, or rather, his ghost. Or his astral projection, or some fucking thing, because he tells them, “My physical form has been stolen by the magic of the Black Songstress. Now, I exist only as a spirit.” Well, there you go. For the record, this spirit of the Black Dragon looks to be covered in dark fur, and has two curling ram’s horns. It also looks like he’s splayed out on his stomach, his long neck and wings stretched out, instead of sitting on his haunches like the other three dragons. Nobody asks if they are interrupting his yoga class. Anyway, the Black Dragon tells them he will eventually succumb to her control entirely and he wants Alex to kill his body before that happens. Squeak, ever the compassionate creature, blurts out, “But if your body dies, Alex can’t become the Dragonmaster!” Real nice. But that’s not a concern, says the Black Dragon, because “The power of my soul will always exist within my armor…” And just like that, he summons a purple bubble containing the Black Dragon Armor. Fucking sweet! Now it won’t matter if he bites it!

Well, that’s a bit…gimp suitish.

But the Black Dragon interrupts Kyle’s congratulations on Alex becoming the Dragonmaster, because Alex hasn’t completed the trial yet. “My Trial is simple,” he tells a confused Alex. “You must only find the purity within your own heart, Alex. When that purity is revealed, your armor will shine bright, and the Trial shall be complete. You will at last become the Dragonmaster our world so desperately needs…” Uh, Alex gave up his “purity” one warm summer night four feet deep in the soil of Dyne’s Monument. Whoops.

There are only a few monsters between their rendezvous with the Black Dragon’s spirit and the roof of the fortress, and it is here, next to the stairs to the top, that I make a huge goddamn fool of myself once again and blow a load of healing nuts and star lights to get the party back to almost full health and mana. And then I save my game after I do this. Why was this a colossally dumb thing for me to do? All will become clear momentarily.

At the pinnacle of the spire, Alex and pals cross through a wooden plank fence (again, don’t look at me) and come face to face with the Black Dragon and the Dark Black Songstress. Even though Alex and Squeak called this earlier, Alex is still shocked and yells her name while Gams stares at him with vacant, mind-controlled eyes. Tempest somehow doesn’t hear Alex calling the Dark Black Songstress by her name, and shouts eagerly, “Come on, Alex! We have to slay this…thing…before it harms anyone else!” They obviously argue about this, with Tempest appealing to Alex’s desire not to have his other friends die. I mean, we haven’t actually seen anyone die from the Mary Suebonic Plague yet, but I guess it’s possible. I kind of assumed it would just disfigure their skin and make their hair fall out. Anyway, Squeak and Alex sway Tempest, via the power of their FEEEEELINGS for Gams, to give Alex one chance to bring his lady back from the dark side. “And if you are unable to break the spell, she must be slain,” he adds. “She MUST, Alex…” So per Tempest, either Alex has to break the spell on Gams, or she is going to die. Spoiler: neither of those things is going to happen.

Alex approaches Gams, and she backs up and shouts, “…Get away! Stand back! Magic Emperor GHALEON!!” I assume that last bit is in a singsong “I’m telling MOM” voice. The Black Dragon squeals in distress as Ghaleon appears behind Gams. “[Gams]’s voice has improved tremendously since you last heard her,” he tells Alex. “In fact, my dear, why don’t you let your acquaintances hear a tune for auld lang syne?” Nobody talks like that, writers. Not even overdramatic crazypants people like Ghaleon. Gams starts singing again, complete with purple sound waves emanating from her body, and now it’s suddenly affecting the boys as well, who all groan in a masculine fashion. Kyle says through gritted teeth, “Shut her up, Alex! NOW! Or we’re all dead!” The other girls were stricken with agency-sapping plot cancer, and now our female lead must be silenced for the good of the world, and specifically the men being inconvenienced by her right this second? This is not Lunar’s most feminist hour.