Anyway, Junior gets up just in time to see Geppedo begging Riku to return Pinocchio. Riku is standing on a platform above the entrance to the stomach, near another dark opening. “Sorry, old man,” Riku replies, “I have some unfinished business with this puppet.” Lucky fucking puppet. Did I just type that? They argue a bit. Blah blah, Pinocchio is REAL, blah blah, imminent heart transplant, yadda, I hate Junior. Our slow-on-the-uptake young protagonist cries out, “Wait a minute. Are you talking about [Token]?” No, the other Mary Sue in a fucking coma, dumbass. “What do you care about her?” Riku retorts, scowling, and then walks off. Junior follows. Not because I give a shit about Pinocchio, but because the only cool main character in this game just went that-a-way and I’m desperate for non-idiots, non-quackers, and non-pedophiles at this point.
There will be others. Ask Seymour.
Geppedo is totally pissed that Riku just walked off with his wooden sexbot without even paying a rental fee, and pleads with Junior to get the puppet back. He offers the contents of a treasure chest in hopes that it will help. Junior opens the chest and the party receives the shared ability High Jump. You brain trusts out there in the audience might have guessed that this allows Junior to jump higher. You guessed right, you clever readers, you. By the way, big ups to the game designers for giving this to me right after the battle against the boss with the weak point that was out of reach by regular jumping.
Fuckers.
As consolation for the bad timing, I suppose, High Jump does give Junior access to all those treasure chests he couldn’t get to earlier. Among the spoils is another summon gem called Watergleam. Junior will be able to use it later to summon Dumbo and his big, spouting trunk. If that isn’t à propos to this game, I don’t know what is. High Jump also allows Junior to reach the platform from which Riku and Pinocchio just disappeared. The doorway beyond leads to the throat. I see the biological confusion continues unabated.
Monstro’s throat is one of those special places in a videogame that you recall vividly long after you play through it, simply because it pissed you off that fucking much. Like the Bevelle Cloister of Trials. Or that one block puzzle in Mario Sunshine that actually brought yours truly to tears. Or, well, Atlantica. Let me elaborate.
The throat of Monstro is a vertical area which Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy must traverse while fighting a seemingly infinite number of Heartless. They must climb higher and higher on–you know it–tiny ledges, all while fighting flying Heartless that will end up leading them off the ledges and back to the bottom. At the top of this Room of Horrors, jumping at all on one of the highest platforms will net you a one-way ticket to the boss battle. The monsters will not stop appearing, which makes it difficult to save and then immediately jump up to the boss. Preparing for the fight before entering the room is no good, either, since @%$#!!! and Goofy know not this crazy language of “item and MP conservation.” The best I can ever manage is to only give Junior healing items, hope I can reach the top before the other two completely blank themselves on magic, and then hope the boss doesn’t kick my ass all the way back to the bowels. Because of this minor problem (and not at all because I suck or anything), I am, sadly, unsuccessful in defeating the boss and have to watch the following pre-boss cut scene three times. So if I seem a tad more irritated about said scene than I need to be, you know why.
Loading ...By the way, the throat actually leads to the stomach, which I thought was the earlier area, and I’m just boggled beyond all reason as to how this place is supposed to work. Especially since the throat goes UP from what was the roof of Monstro’s mouth, and that somehow ends up going to the stomach. I’m done thinking about it, since Kingdom Hearts gives me a headache on a good day.
The stomach, despite its improbable location, at least somewhat resembles a stomach. There’s a lot of green, glowing, bubbling bile, anyway. Speaking of rising bile…Junior shouts across the room to Riku, who’s coldly appraising the puppet he probably just molested like gangbusters. Riku isn’t about to let Pinocchio go. “A puppet that’s lost its heart to the Heartless… Maybe it holds the key to helping [Token].” And if it doesn’t, I can’t say I’ll be weeping for its sacrifice. “How about it, [Junior]?” he offers. “Let’s join forces to save her. We can do it together.” Oh, look, it’s the old “Bad Guy Offers to Join Up with the Good Guy So They Can Save the World/Girl” trick. I’ve only seen that in every movie, book, and videogame ever. Junior, obviously, isn’t interested, and shows it by readying his long, hard Keyblade. He stays silent and lets this action speak for him, but not for long.
“What?” Riku says, incredulous. You’d think he’d know how Junior would react, having to live with the little snot for over a decade. “You’d rather fight me? Over a puppet that has no heart?” Junior gets all bent out of shape at this, lest we forget he’s the Moral Fucking Authority of Kingdom Hearts. “Heart or no heart, at least he still has a conscience.” Puke. Puke puke pukity puke. PUKE. Three fucking times I heard this, people. Riku scoffs at this conscience bullshit, but as we see Jiminy Fucking Conscience Cricket run over to his puppet, Junior continues to preach: “You might not hear it, but right now it’s loud and clear. And it’s telling me you’re on the wrong side!” Amusingly, Jiminy says no such thing during this entire scene. Is Junior talking about his own so goddamned superior conscience? I don’t know; I just know that I want Riku to kick him to death. “Then you leave me no choice,” Riku threatens. Before you ask, no, I’m not going to get my wish. Stupid game.
And horny, too, apparently.
Meanwhile, Jiminy is shouting to Pinocchio in an effort to rouse him. “Jiminy…I’m not gonna make it,” the puppet murmurs weakly. But then his nose gets a little woody, shall we say, and Pinocchio realizes he’s not telling the truth. Brightening, he exclaims, “Oh! I guess I’m okay!” Jiminy jumps for joy, while I bludgeon myself stupid with a nearby lamp. Maybe this is in part an excuse for my double failure to the Parasite Cage Mark II, which drops from the ceiling at this moment. Riku sees no reason to help out this time, and vanishes through one of those dark portals. Boss time!
The second version of the cage is pretty much the same, just bigger, tougher, and equipped with an annoying poison breath attack. This time around I do make sure to move, just so @%$#!!! and Goofy can engage the monster, before laying into the Cage with more fire spells. When I finally, finally win, Junior and @%$#!!! learn Stop. Ooh, a spell I’ll never use! That was soooooooo worth it.
Following the confrontation, we cut to the cabin of the Jolly Roger. Riku is standing over Token, who’s lying comatose on a bench. “So…[Token]’s like a lifeless puppet now?” Maleficent’s in the scene, so there has to be an appearance by the Irony Mallet. Maleficent explains that Token’s heart was taken by the Heartless. Who didn’t see that coming? Show of hands? Riku asks Mal if there’s anything he can do to save her. Exposition!Mal fires up. “There are seven maidens of the purest heart. We call them the princesses of heart. Gather them together, and a door will open to the heart of all worlds.” People, I’ve seen magical girl anime with better plot than this. Honest-to-God magical girl anime. “Within lies untold wisdom,” Mal finishes, somewhat lamely. She follows up with the complete non sequitur that Riku will be able to find a way to cure Token there. It’s not unlike the Scarecrow going to the Emerald City for a brain, because a cool place like Emerald City just has to have an answer to every problem imaginable.
“Now,” Maleficent says in her evil tones, “I’ll grant you a marvelous gift.” The screen darkens and the Theme of Darkness and OMG the Irony!!! keys up as she clarifies her gift: “The power to control the Heartless!” Once she’s done working her mojo on our angsty boy, he glows green for a moment and then says, “Soon, [Token]. Soon.” He sounds more than a little perverted saying it. Darkness is also in league with sexual deviancy, don’t you know.
Cut to gummi space, where Monstro is having one hell of a sneezing fit. Though there is no scene in the game to explain this, as there was in the movie, Monstro sneezes and the gummi ship comes pelting out of his mouth. @%$#!!! and Goofy exposit for our benefit that they have no idea what happened to Geppedo or Pinocchio. “Riku…” Junior says, again trying to convince me that he kinda sorta cares. Nice try, dillhole.
Back on the world map, the Rescue Rangers inform Junior once again of a new tournament at Olympus Coliseum. Don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care. But our heroes do head back to Traverse Town to buy, sell, synth at the new Moogle Synthesis Shop, collect new goodies, and activate useless summon gems. While there, they run into some old friends. And they also reunite with Geppedo and Pinocchio, who are now occupying a house in the First District. Geppedo thanks Junior again for whatever it is that he did, and offers his services. The fact that his services entail creating stupid gummi ship blueprints just makes me hate stupid Geppedo even more. Hope he chokes on that fucking puppet dick.
Oh, and just to end the recap on an extra bitter note of misery, I notice a small note at the very end of the Monstro section of the strategy guide. It reads: “Did you know that you can skip this section? Although you’re forced to go to Monstro, you can transport back to the gummi ship and head for Halloween Town or Atlantica…” and so on. Boy, that is dead brilliant of the folks at Bradygames. Tell players AT THE END OF THE FUCKING WALKTHROUGH that they didn’t have to even play through the dungeon AT ALL. Hate. So. Much. God. DIE.
Thank God I have a needed reprieve from Kingdom Hearts recapping duty, or I would have had to go on a killing spree, and that would have been messy. Kelly’s taking over for the next two recaps, and enduring the good (Halloween Town), the bad (Atlantica), and the ugly (Junior). Atlantica’s up next time, though. In a word: neener. Neener neener. As for me, I’ll see you in part eleven!