‘We never got the chance to tell him how much we hate him.’

The game switches to FMV, and we see that the ground underneath Token’s feet has transformed into sand. Junior shouts her name, and she looks up with her usual concussed puppy expression. She shouts his name too, and at that moment the ground shakes, opening a chasm between their pairs of clown feet. They grasp hands, and I think, “Well, at least Junior is going to make good on that whole Riku’s dying wish thing!” Not so. “[Token]! Remember what you said before?” he asks her. “I’m always with you, too.” Just to be clear, he means that in the figurative sense, because he’s abandoning her ass. “I’ll come back to you! I promise!” Not that he has any clue when or how he will do that–Junior, as we know, plays it fast and loose with concepts like “reality.” Token, the poor girl, just replies, “I know you will!” as their hands slip apart. And she doesn’t even have the chance to ask what happened to their dear friend Riku, because she’s cut off by Utada Hikaru singing the opening verse of “Simple and Clean.” But she was totally going to ask! She cares!

As Hikki provides some emotional weight to these two assholes acting like they’re the only people in the gummiverse, the island Junior’s standing on and the scrap of sand that will become the Island of Wankers drift further apart. A tiny fleck of golden light drifts into Token’s palm, and soon they’re both being treated to a golden shower of…I don’t know. Worlds coming back into existence? Gnosis seeking heaven? Who even cares. Token turns to see the Island of Wankers sprouting back to life all around her, though she doesn’t see Tightass or Wakka spring fully formed out of a giant coconut, so maybe this version will just be her empty personal playground. When she looks back, she can still see Junior, and he’s talking animatedly to her, probably about how much he totally misses Riku and tried so hard to save him, but she can’t hear him and after a moment he completely disappears, leaving her alone as the planet’s atmosphere crowds out his stupid hateful face.

‘Finally, I’m free to go out with Todd like I always wanted.’

A transition fade takes us from Token’s smiling face to Token perusing her brand-new island, still devoid of other people. She wanders to the secret cave and takes in all their stupid chalk drawings, but when she reaches Junior’s pathetic rendering of himself force-feeding a paopu fruit to her, for just a moment she pictures Junior clawing at the rock like he just discovered how to use tools. His spirit flashes her his finest shit-eating, who-cares-about-Riku grin before vanishing, and Token smiles back through some big ol’ Mary Sue tears. The last image we see before the credits is Token’s addition to Junior’s artistic masterpiece: her own crude arm feeding him some fruit, too. Ugh. So much ugh.

I will give him credit: that is an A+ ‘This bitch’ face.

I’m too annoyed at Junior and Token to even pay attention to the credits, even though they’re revisiting moments from the game’s history like “That time Junior and @%$#!!! were fighting” and “When Junior met [insert Disney character here].” I mean, this is riveting stuff, obviously, but I’m still pretty mad. The second half of the credits–yes, they’re long–features small, silent vignettes from the post-closing-the-door world, like @%$#!!!’s nephews returning to Disney Castle (sure), Bitch reuniting with Aeris in Hollow Bastion to my bored yawning, Pinocchio turning into a real boy and Geppedo promptly being accosted by Chris Hansen, Aladdin and Jasmine making out while the Genie and Abu masturbate outside their window, and the Wanker Trio running off to play Blitzball somewhere, hopefully in the middle of traffic.

DOOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAAARE

Would that I could call this thing here and go off to a corner to stew about Riku having the world’s lousiest taste in friends, but obviously we are not done. I went through a lot to get some Marvel-style, tacked-on post-credits scenes, and we are all going to get our fucking money’s worth out of this.

Okay, so admittedly, this first post-credits scene would have played even if I hadn’t rescued all those fucking puppies, which is good, because it would not have remotely been worth the effort. So, remember that bleak pathway to nowhere? Apparently the Mouseketeers managed to stay together, probably to @%$#!!!’s undying regret, and followed it. We pick up with them walking down a path through rolling green hills, on the way to the Emerald City or wherever the fuck. @%$#!!! and Goofy are back in their Disney Castle street clothes, which had been stored in a handy wardrobe in @%$#!!!’s asshole. “Well, now what do we do?” he quacks at the other two. It kind of looks like they’ve been walking for a while, so maybe this would have been better asked earlier? Junior replies, “We’ve gotta find Riku and King Mickey.” Sorry, I’m gonna need a new paragraph.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, YOU HAVE TO FIND RIKU AND KING MICKEY? YOU ALREADY FOUND THEM! THEY WERE INSIDE THAT DOOR, AND INSTEAD OF ASKING THEM TO COME OUT, YOU SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR IN THEIR FACES. YOU KNOW WHERE THEY WENT AND ALREADY HAD A CHANCE TO SAVE THEM, AND DID NOTHING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

It’s hard to know without seeing more of Junior’s childhood, and I would rather drink paint than do that, but I’m getting a clear picture of him as a person who creates problems just so he can be seen attempting to solve them, just like an awesome brave hero would. In other words, he’s a narcissist, and I hope he dies in a boat explosion.

Back to the scene. Goofy asks where they should look for “that there door to the light” Mickey mentioned, and it takes every ounce of restraint I have to not literally scream out loud, “MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE VANQUISHED THE DOOR TO THE LIGHT YOU ALREADY HAD,” because I am trying to mind my blood pressure these days. The three of them consider Goofy’s question, and as one stop in their tracks, letting out a comic, full-body sigh. Oh no! They’ll just have to live out the rest of their days pretending to look for their friends while doing whatever the fuck they want! The worst possible fate, obviously. But Junior looks up and grunts with excitement as they see Pluto, Mickey’s trusty mutt, sauntering across the road ahead of them with a Mickey-stamped envelope in his mouth. I hope the letter inside is just a photo of Mickey and Riku’s middle fingers. @%$#!!! and Goofy try to play it cool, all, “Heeeeeeey, Pluto, good booooooy,” but Junior asks straight out if Pluto has seen Mickey. Pluto, a way smarter dog than can be believed, gambols down the path, and the Mouseketeers chase after him with new purpose and delight, the “Adventure!!!” music cheering them on. In addition to the photo of middle fingers in the envelope, I also would like Pluto to lead them deep into the woods, stop, and take a dump on Junior’s shoes.

Fuck you.

Well, that was horrible. But what fanservicey tidbit has my suffering in the Hades Cup bought me? The title card promises me, in what I imagine is a come-hither voice, a “Special Secret” entitled “Another side, Another story.” That is weirdly close to the title of the incredibly lazy epilogue for Final Fantasy X, which makes me wary–I didn’t grind through fifty levels of gladiatorial combat for some bullshit where Token is pregnant but they didn’t give her a new character model. That said, I imagined something more disturbing than Wakka knocking up Lulu! You’re welcome.

Thankfully, I needn’t worry. An FMV opens with raindrops splattering into puddles on a dark night in a neon-lit city we’ll see in Kingdom Hearts II. Speaking of stuff we’ll get to in the sequel, a lithe blond teenager in a hooded leather trenchcoat walks through the pouring rain. Not exactly a practical look for wet weather, but he’s working it all the same. From the puddles all around Mystery Blond, Heartless eyes give way to Heartless bodies, but while they resemble the classic, harmless bug Heartless, these have grown up, shall we say, and have taller, more muscular bodies. I’m trying not to look, but some of them might have budding tits. Life is beautiful! Anyway, the Adolescent Heartless surround Mystery Blond, but he and they all look up to the top of one of the buildings. Standing on the roof, looking hot as fuck, is Riku. Wearing a blindfold for no reason. And a similar black trenchcoat. I think I’ve earned it after all my Riku-related anguish, so allow me to be gross for a moment: UNNNNNNNNNNNF.

Heeeeeeey giiiiiiiiirl

Meanwhile, Mystery Blond has pulled not one, but two Keyblades out of his ass. I’m pretty sure they are equipped with the Oathkeeper and Oblivion keychains, so Mystery Blond has presumably been ganking Junior’s shit somehow. I’m fine with this. He spins them through the air dramatically, while Riku, just as dramatically, raises his arms to the sky and parts the rain clouds to show a magical meteor shower. I could not give less of a shit if this makes sense, because at least it’s not Junior making a pouty face and being a selfish little twat.

On the ground, Mystery Blond and his Keyblades have been surrounded by a heart symbol of purple fire. Riku pulls his blindfold off and throws it to a crowd of adoring girls, like Tom Jones in reverse. MB asks Riku, “Where’s [Junior]?” though his voice is silent and the text appears on a separate dialogue card, in English and Japanese, like an old silent film. Fancy! From nowhere, a word cloud manifests on a black screen, with terms like “door of light” and–foreshadowing–“nobody” appearing prominently. The word cloud expands to feature full sentences, and by dumb luck I paused on, “Maybe our journey meant nothing after all.” I am starting to suspect that myself! The scene cuts out before Riku can tell MB, “How the fuck should I know? We are no longer friends.” That part will have to stay in my fanfic.

And jarringly, we are now on the Island of Wankers, where a girl with long dark hair is standing on the beach, staring at a meteor not unlike the ones in the city’s sky a moment ago. She barely even resembles Token–in fact, she mostly looks like Garnoa–but obviously it’s Token. The scene cuts to black after only a few seconds, but at least this game is going out of its way to show off new character models. And she didn’t look pregnant! What a relief.

And that is it for the Kingdom Hearts recap! I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you will join me, at some point in the indeterminate future, for the recap of Kingdom Hearts II. It promises to be both a hundred times better and five hundred times more exasperating than its predecessor. Until then, remember: Junior is a giant asshole, and no amount of cute new outfits will ever make me like him. Hold me to this, no matter what!