They even have squishy ballsacks!

I could not get a good screencap of these emo wangs to save my life, but trust me when I say they are the most absurdly penis-like things I have ever seen in any medium, short of actual, real-life penises. It’s their movement that really sells it–they flop and sway like Theon Greyjoy’s wiener on Game of Thrones. For reasons that escape him and me, Junior must castrate every one of these undulating shadow dongs, and only then does another portal open up. As before, Junior finds himself in the Room of Darkness with a bunch of Heartless, but this time he can see Goofy jumping up and down like a doof and shouting his name. Together, they take out the Bombs, after which a glowing golden eye appears in the darkness. Okay, with the cat-like slits above the iris it kind of looks like a vulva, but I will let that one go because everyone here is already sexually confused enough. Junior stabs at it with his Keyblade until it explodes into a bright red fireball, releasing him and Goofy back outside.

I’m starting to think this whole shebang is just a scheme by Billy Zane to get his STIs cleared up free of charge, because back in normal space, the Billy Zane Pop-o-Matic Muscle Car has suddenly developed a new infection, um, downstairs. The undercarriage is also now bristling–well, maybe bristling is a bad choice of words–with floppy wieners, but more relevant to Junior and Goofy is the creepy face on the front of the Muscle Car’s hood, which has opened its gaping maw and is now attackable. Junior ignores the new dick outcropping and gets to work on the face, taking its five life bars down to zero as well. Busy work! Goofy, for his part, throws himself into its mouth and pirouettes, which is hilarious. When the face has been vanquished, another portal appears between its teeth. Junior and Goofy plunge down its throat, scarring me for life, and find themselves in the Room of Darkness again. @%$#!!! is quacking his little heart out from across the room, and the reunited Mouseketeers make quick work of the Heartless thrown their way. One stab through a second eye vulva later, the three of them are back outside, and the face, its purpose served, explodes, leaving the Billy Zane Pop-o-Matic Muscle Car with a glowing purple flesh wound where its hood used to be. The trauma of basically having its dick blown off causes the pop-o-matic bubble to shudder and the forcefield to disappear.

MY MANWICH

The interior of the pop-o-matic bubble yields–surprise!–more penis pustules, though the special ones who got to chill out inside the car have sassy smiley faces, like demented purple Glowworms. Junior gets to work on what I guess is supposed to be Billy Zane’s heart–a bloated purple sack with a spooky frowny face on one of the ventricles. I was expecting something a lot more emo than that, since Billy has been one of the least cartoonish elements in the game, but I do occasionally encounter a left turn. Cartoony sad-face heart it is!

Finally, all this destruction of his brand-new body parts, essential and otherwise, tempts Billy back out of his Cum Guardian shell. The fight isn’t much different than Junior’s initial encounter with this form, except this time @%$#!!! and Goofy are here to require constant healing attention help out. Five more Easter-themed life bars later, the Billy Zane Pop-o-Matic Muscle Car explodes into fireballs, like Junior’s been placing C4 charges all over it while I wasn’t looking, and Billy himself stares dead-eyed downward as his chest erupts with white-hot laser beams. A beat later, he too is engulfed in a massive fireball. See, his heart did have light in it! Unless that was his heart down there in the pop-o-matic bubble! I give up.

So after what feels like an hour of black screen, Billy Zane appears, quite whole, before our heroes. Do game designers not understand what it should mean when something explodes? It means it shouldn’t be there anymore. Whatever. “It is futile,” Billy intones at them. “The Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to darkness.” I do not even give a quarter of a fuck anymore. Leave it open, who cares. Turning to the bright white door, his hair flying dramatically behind him in this weatherless vacuum, Billy grunts, “Kingdom Hearts! Fill me with the power of darkness…” The door opens on cue, for all the world looking like a bleached vagina leaking Smoke Monster, which tangles the metaphors beyond repair. He wants to be filled up by a vagina? I don’t know.

Remember, kids! Vaginas are terrifying!

But Junior, despite all visual evidence to the contrary, has something to say to Billy’s fervent proclamations, and it’s…it’s so lame, you guys. “You’re wrong,” he tells Billy. The music even quiets down so his words can have all the acoustic freedom necessary to sound as ridiculous as possible. “I know now, without a doubt. Kingdom Hearts…is light!” Junior is so impossibly earnest, so powerfully uncool, that I’m almost impressed. It takes true conviction, down to the core of one’s being, to achieve his level of wide-eyed squareness. Kingdom Hearts, it turns out, is also impressed. Rather than continue to ooze darkness–while Billy laughs in Junior’s face, all, “Dude, look at how dark this is”–the door, reacting to the last of Junior’s self-doubt burning away, I guess, blasts Billy in the face with hot, white light. Billy makes a face usually reserved for the last 90 seconds of a porno, suddenly all too happy to bask in its creamy radiance. He explodes, once more for good measure, from the residual power of Junior’s HEART THAT BELIEVES. For whatever reason, this explosion takes and he doesn’t stick around to monologue anymore. Thank fucking God.

The Mouseketeers run over to the crack in the door, and start pushing the massive doors closed. I will admit I don’t know why they’re doing this–if Kingdom Hearts is light, don’t we want the doors to stay open? Isn’t that, like, a good thing? But push they do, until Goofy thinks to actually peek beyond the doors to the other side. Whoa, don’t be so impulsive, Goofy! It could be like the interior of the Ark of the Covenant in there! Indeed, @%$#!!! quacks angrily at him for pausing in his blind pushing efforts, but since Goofy is still goggling, he can’t help but look too, and blurts out, “Huh?” The camera finally lets us see what they’re staring at, and if the entire floor teeming with Heartless with beady yellow eyes weren’t enough, the two of them shout in unison, “The Heartless!?” But the Heartless are DARK! And Kingdom Hearts is LIGHT! Or is it?! And don’t fucking tell me it’s both, since nobody in this game is capable of thinking that way.

Furthering my confusion, seeing the Heartless inside make @%$#!!! and Goofy push even harder at their door. Did they already know there were Heartless in there, but just not that many? But Junior was so sure it was light, you guys! His heart believed! Junior, for his part, is too exhausted to push his door closed any further, and also his tiny noodle arms were never up to the task. But a gloved hand appears from the other side of the door, and Riku’s voice shouts at him, “Don’t give up!” While Junior stares openmouthed at him, still not doing anything, Riku’s head joins his arm in the door crack. “Come on, [Junior]! Together, we can do it!”

Now, if you’re like me, you are expecting Riku to squeeze out through the crack in the door and help these three weaklings push. That is not what happens. Instead, Riku retreats back to the other side and pulls (with his hands still on the side of the door, which is a good way to squash your fingers, young man), shutting himself inside. Okay. It’s one thing to do this with even the tiniest explanation that Riku’s soul has been tainted by DARKNESS or some fucking thing so he has to stay on the inside for the good of the gummiverse. That would piss me off, and would be pretty cliché, but at least it’s an attempt at handling this properly. But not only does no one offer an explanation of why Riku can’t maybe push from this side and go on, like, living, but nobody even asks. His “best friend” Junior, the whiniest whine to ever whine, does not whine, “But Riku! You’re my friend and I would like you to be alive! Take my hand, buddy!” He just nods and goes, “Okay!” This, of course, reveals what we knew all along–he never had any desire to save Riku, because he’s a shitty friend. But up to this point he’d at least been a shitty friend who made a token effort to pretend otherwise. Nobody even asks about Riku’s welfare out of base intellectual curiosity. WHAT IN THE FUCK.

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The combined efforts of these four are still not enough to move these heavy doors, which must be stuck fast with plot contrivance superglue, and @%$#!!! shrieks, “It’s hopeless!” Meanwhile, on poor Riku’s side, Darksides and other nasty creatures are forming out of the darkness. And still, nobody goes, “Riku, those guys look like they mean business! Come to the safe, non-monster-filled side of the door!” But as @%$#!!! and Goofy continue to do a combo of pushing and staring, their eyes go wide. Glowing with golden light, Mickey fucking Mouse, King of the Gummiverse, hops into view. Facing away from the camera like a boss, Mickey whips out his very own Keyblade and says, “Now, [Junior]! Let’s close this door for good!”

Here is where I’m going to lose my shit. @%$#!!! and Goofy push even harder at the orders of their liege lord, and that I can actually buy because the game has done the work of establishing that they think he’s Jesus and will do whatever he says, no questions asked. But then. But then! A tinkling piano of melancholy keys up and Junior whines, “But…” OH, NOW THAT IT’S SOME DUDE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW BEHIND THE DOOR, IT’S HESITATION TIME? FUCK YOU, JUNIOR. Mickey consoles Junior, while Riku is still pulling the door closed inches away from him, “Don’t worry. There will always be a door to the light.” Yeah! When Mickey closes a door, he opens a window! But Riku will have to stay on the other side of that window, for Reasons. “[Junior], you can trust King Mickey,” Goofy adds. Riku shouts that the Heartless are coming, because he’s a wonderfully brave soul and Junior is awful, just awful. Quietly, Mickey adds, “[@%$#!!!], Goofy, thank you.” Everybody else pushes real hard, and just as the doors close, Riku smiles at the evil little monster shutting him up in this hell dimension and murmurs, “Take care of her.” Shut up! YOU’RE crying and slapping Junior with your mind!

And this is the last thing Riku gets to see? Fuck everything.

When the doors click closed on sweet Riku’s angelic perfect face, Junior and King Mickey hold up their respective Keyblades on either side of the door, summoning the power to seal them permanently. I’m pretty sure doors don’t need to be locked with keys from both sides. That is not how doors work. Nonetheless, the vaginal door reacts to their twin phallus power and disappears in a flash of stardust and unfairness, leaving a bleak pathway to nowhere beyond it. Boy, everything looks great now! I’m sure glad Mickey and Riku banished themselves to purgatory with a bunch of Heartless for this cheery landscape!

Ugh. To make matters worse, Junior turns around and spots Token, the girl his best friend begged him to take care of basically as his dying wish, standing nearby and looking mopey. How the fuck she even got here is beyond me, but here she is. Junior runs over to her, while @%$#!!! and Goofy look sad but stand pat and don’t follow him. They’re probably blue because they think Junior’s going to go back to his shitty island with his non-girlfriend, where they’ll have six kids and, Harry Potter-style, name all of them Riku in an empty gesture of remembrance. Poor, poor Riku.