The party emerges in a large chamber full of penis pillars and balls. Ludo says something dramatic that translates to “SMELL BAD.” I’m kind of surprised he’s talking about the scent of something, as that seems remarkably inconsistent with his characterization thus far. A larger orb in the center of the room is totally cracked, and not in the same way as the game designers. Ryudo is all, “What the crap?” even though it looks like the cracked orb from Garmia Tower, at least from what I remember. Mary Sue tards that it’s a Seal of Granas that once held a Piece of Valmar. No! “But…this Seal is broken! Could whatever was sealed have left here?!” Tidink overpunctuates in alarm. No! Mary Sue manages to piece together the evidence and figures out that Melfice is not responsible for all the shit going down. You mean it could be an escaped Piece of Valmar? No!
PENIS!
Just then, Mary Sue and the drunken camera operator look over to see something big and ugly. It’s not a mirror, it’s…a close-up of something that makes a gross gulping sound! Mary Sue screams bloody murder yet again. Without any sort of animation, I’m not really sure what happened, but I think that Big Gulp just ate Mary Sue! Woo! The game is over — best ending ever!
“[MARY SUE]!” Ryudo shrieks, hopefully worrying about the loss of cash and not about their LUUUUUUURVE. But before we can all celebrate and dub Grandia II the BEST GAME EVAR, a ball of light appears in the vicinity of the central mouth, and who pops out but Millenia. So it’s not a daytime/nighttime change, but a plot convenience change then. Or, more likely, the game designers don’t even fucking know. “How dare you, you miserable…! I won’t stand being EATEN!” Millenia bitches. Is it bad form for one Piece of Valmar to eat another? It kind of makes me wonder what the Penis of Valmar and the Butthole of Valmar do to each other…and then I have to scrub out my brain with bleach. Ludo is confused, but Tidink squees, “Miss Millenia, is that you?” No, it’s a different redhead with the exact same skimpy outfit and wings. Jesus, Tidink.
Millenia giggles maniacally as she threatens to “make [the monster] [hers].” Wait, that’s what she promised Ryudo in their first scene together. CAUTION CAUTION ABORT ABORT. A tornado of light appears around Millenia. The Piece of Valmar does the only thing it can do at this point — it runs away like a little pussy. “C’MON! Chase after him! That thing’s the cause of all of it!” Millenia commands, like she isn’t fucking related to it in any way. Ryudo channels Bill Clinton for a moment and wonders what she means by “it.” I seriously can’t tell if he’s being a smartass or what. That’s how sad video games have become — you can’t count on someone not being a moron, even if they’re the designated smartass.
Now I get control of Ryudo, which is the game designers’ subtle way of saying, “Hey, dumbass, equip Millenia since we didn’t bother to equip Mary Sue’s Mana Egg on her, DURRRRRR!” There also just happens to be a random treasure chest full of equipment for Millenia nearby. How conveeeenient.
They follow the Piece of Valmar into the next room. There’s a stone circle in the center of the chamber, and the monster stands over to the side on a random walkway. I’m lying of course — it stands smack dab in the center of the circle. We get our first good look at it. It’s a giant spider (well, with six legs) with a mouth stalk on each side, a head with googly eyes and a lamprey-style mouth, and a giant gaping maw on its stomach. If I didn’t know better, I might think this had something to do with Valmar’s mouth. Also, it’s fucking ugly. If Tidus looked like his personality, this would be it. “Unless Melfice has put on some weight, this isn’t him,” Ryudo smartasses. “Are you calling me fat?” the monster lisps. Ludo Einsteins that the Mouth Monster is responsible for all the shit going down in Liligue. DURRRRR!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeez, we fucking get it. Also: it SMELLS.
With all those mouths, it’s only natural that the monster can fricking talk. It threatens to — what else? — eat them. Good thing they gave this monster some specific dialogue regarding its motivation — otherwise we might think that it was into violating the region’s usury laws (tm John). Then it says something about the Wings of Valmar as the main course. So if this monster is such a trash-talking mofo now, why did it run away like a little girl before? I expect consistent characterization, especially in my boss monsters.
Ryudo establishes that the monster has Gadan’s voice. “Gadan. Let me guess… new haircut?” Hee. Millenia informs us that this creature is, of course, the Tongue of Valmar. And here I thought it was the Left Asscheek of Valmar. Which kind of makes me wonder just how many Pieces of Valmar we’re going to encounter. The Left Index Fingernail of Valmar? The Right Nipple of Valmar? This could be a looooooong game.
Loading ...The Tongue of Valmar has four parts. I’m not sure if this is the type of boss where you need to take out a certain piece first so that it won’t do Nasty Spell #15 on the party throughout the whole battle or what. So I simply do all my strongest attacks on the piece called — wait for it — Valmar’s Tongue. Which is, of course, the entire monster. Don’t think about that too hard — it hurts.
Since I have nothing interesting to say about the remainder of the battle, I’ll skip right to the end. Upon its defeat, the Tongue of Valmar dissolves into the ground in a flash of light. The circle is clearly empty. When we return to the regular screen, however, the Tongue’s broken body (pretend that phrase makes sense) lies quivering on the cobblestones. Whoops, game designers. Millenia makes some bad puns, then absorbs the monster, leaving an unconscious Gadan in its place. “Aah…finally we got one… I feel full of power. Mmm, feels so good…” Millenia practically orgasms. The other party members want to know what she just did, but according to her, that’s a “S-E-C-R-E-T <3.” With that, she reverts back to the useless and irritating Mary Sue. Shit.
“I-I can’t believe Miss Millenia is really Valmar…” Tidink dorks. Neither can I, since I never pictured Valmar as the type to wear high heels and a bustier. Well, you never know. Ludo the rocket scientist informs us all that the SMELL is gone, like we need his Captain Obvious ass to tell us that beating the boss monster = fixing everything. Mary Sue, meanwhile, freaks as she realizes that she transformed into the evil ho yet again. Fade out.
Fade back in on Gadan’s office, where the passed out Gadan lies in a heap on the floor. It must have taken all four of them to move him back there since he’s fat. Also, I’m going to assume that he has some secret passage that allowed him to get into the boss chamber well in advance of the party and they used that instead of retracing their steps through that whole obnoxious dungeon. Let me fanwank myself some peace of mind, here.
Mary Sue establishes that she doesn’t remember anything after being swallowed by the big meanie bad guy. “Well, Millenia appeared again. And, according to her, Gadan was possessed by the Tongue of Valmar,” Ryudo re-explains. This, in turn, fucked up everything in the town for some reason. “… The Bible Our holy book contains a passage that speaks of this. First Valmar possesses one’s soul… and then devours it,” Mary Sue says. She then makes the connection between this easy concept and Gadan’s situation. Strangely, she doesn’t make the scene all about her possession, which is what I would expect her to do. Maybe she’s maturing. In other news, I’m totally ready for my Tidus/Shion/Rinoa foursome! “After we beat Gadan… the Tongue of Valmar. Millenia did something to him…it.” Ryudo continues. I will not take that statement to its disturbing conclusion, I will not….crap.
Mary Sue knows what this is all about, too. “Each Piece of Valmar can feed off of another to increase their own power…” So because of what Millenia did, poor Gadan no longer has a soul. This is bad. “I can’t believe she’d… do such a thing,” Ryudo wanks. Hel-lo! Tidink can’t believe it either — after all, Millenia helped them end the town’s suffering. Yes, I’m sure that was her entire plan all along, and not to make herself stronger by absorbing other Pieces of Valmar. God, these people are stupid. Ludo makes another melodramatic proclamation that in our language would mean, “The Tongue of Valmar SMELLS and so does Melfice.” Christ, this guy is like a broken record. Someone shut him up. Ryudo takes this to mean that Melfice is possessed by Valmar. Strangely, you’d think Ludo would say something one way or the other about Mary Sue’s SMELL. Because that would have a great deal of relevance to the conversation about whether or not Millenia is eeeeeevil. But no. Relevance is the enemy of all game designers.
Ludo can’t shut up about Melfice for two seconds. He has to remind us that Melfice sucks a lot of ass, and he’s going DOWN. Ryudo wants himself some hot beast man lovin’, so he invites himself along on Ludo’s little crusade after he’s done with this whiny witch. It’s a date!
When Ryudo stupidly asks Mary Sue how she’s doing, she drama queens, “Every night, I can feel the Darkness drawing across my soul like a shroud… The cold… I must see His Holiness Zera soon.” Hey, you could have just said, “I’m good, how about you?” We establish that everything is aaaaaaaall better in Liligue Town, so there’s nothing standing in the way of Granas Cathedral. OR IS THERE?! Seriously, I have no idea — I’ve only played this game once and I’ve blocked a lot of it from my memory.
Now would be as good a time as any to discuss what just happened. Okay, so Mary Sue is possessed by the Wings of Valmar, which happens to take the form of a hot, young, busty, horny female. Her possession doesn’t seem to affect anyone around her, except in the sense that Ryudo might get some sex from a hot demoness. Gadan was possessed by the Tongue of Valmar, which was most definitely NOT a hot young female, but instead a big, ugly monster. This possession affected him and everyone around him with an affliction related to the tongue. They dealt with Gadan’s possession by defeating the monster. They’re dealing with Mary Sue’s possession by taking her to the cathedral. I don’t even know how to fanwank this into making the slightest bit of sense. I mean, I know they probably don’t want to drag along a fat, gluttonous guy who every so often transforms into a giant spider along to the Cathedral to fix him up, but that doesn’t explain why the fuck Mary Sue’s possession is not only minor, but also beneficial to the party. And don’t tell me that Mary Sue’s soul is so PURE and RIGHTEOUS that even Valmar turns good when he/she/it possesses her. Because no. Just no. Not buying that garbage.
Now that I’ve had my say, let’s get back to the “action” at hand. Ryudo makes a snide comment about Gadan reaping what he sowed in regards to dealing with Valmar. Wait…what? Not that they ever explain anything to us, but I’m guessing that Gadan had to go down into the ancient temple where he accidentally met up with Valmar. If he was such a decent guy before, he probably didn’t fucking intend to get possessed and send everything to shit. So get off your high horse, Ryudo. “It is sad to see the weak being used by Valmar…” Mary Sue comments. Tidink finds himself feeling sorry for this fat guy instead of continuing to point and laugh at his weight problem. Ludo cryptically remarks that since Gadan is still alive, maybe they can help bring him back at some point in the future. But not now, because they have other shit to do, damn it.
I don’t really have the stomach — GET IT?! — for any more of this unsavory crap. The only solace I have is the fact that the love story shit was kept to a minimum, otherwise I would be like the Liliguians in that my stomach would be completely empty. Or, more accurately, emptied. I’m sure that will change soon enough, so I can hardly wait until the next part to find out just what will happen. You can’t wait either. See you next time!