In our last visit to Sarcastic Guy Turns Into Total Dickless Pansy (aka Grandia II), Millenia showed up again and helped Ryudo rescue a totally useless kid from certain violation. To top off this exciting hour of action, the three of them proceeded to win back the kid’s preciousssss medal from a horny minotaur. We also found out that Millenia is the Wings of Valmar. But Mary Sue is possessed by the Wings of Valmar, you say. What does this mean?!?!?!
I pick up where I left off at the Gay Pride Cone in the Durham Caverns. If there’s one thing better than getting hopelessly lost in a dungeon, it’s definitely getting hopelessly lost on the way out of a dungeon after not playing the game for a year. The only thing that saves my Dreamcast from being pitched out the window is the fact that there are no monsters — and thus no irritating battles — left in the cave. The first person to point out the presence of the little directional compass thingy will get a swift internet kick in the balls.
Ryudo, Millenia, and Tidink make it out of the cave to the sound of a relieved sigh and a swig of booze. Millenia says it’s time for her to go, then proceeds to act like the sun will destroy her undoubtedly evil being. But ha ha, she’s just kidding. She won’t die a horrible crispy death, but the rules do state that she has to randomly leave in order to reveal the next absolutely shocking plot twist. “Give my regards to [Mary Sue],” Millenia says foreshadowingly, just before kneeling down and morphing into — are you ready for this — Mary Sue! I’ll let you take a moment to adjust to this life-altering moment that we saw coming from ten thousand miles away.
Also, in case you don’t realize what this means, both the Mary Sues are the same person. Well, essentially, anyway. So when Ryudo gets caught in the inevitable lame love triangle, this little complication can bring the wankst and/or a disturbing threesome. Please, try not to get too excited.
Mary Sue, still asleep, kneels on the ground in Millenia’s place. Ryudo’s character portrait wears a shocked face, so this means that Ryudo is a moron. Speaking of morons, Tidink dorks, “Mr. Ryudo, what just happened…? Miss Millenia is not really the Wings of Valmar, right!? Please tell me!” Ryudo repeats that yes, Millenia did tell him that she’s the Wings of Valmar. “No…But Valmar is the Devil…” Tidink wanks. “But Miss Millenia is so pretty and kind…” Oh no, he’s been infected by the power of the boobs. Also, her looks and the fact that she didn’t murder them all are what make Tidink all skeptical about her deviltude? What about the fact that Millenia is about as useful with a crossbow as Tidus is with a penis? You’d think that the equivalent of Lucifer would be a little bit handier with a sharp weapon. Then again, I’m not really up on all my biblical studies, so I may just be pulling stuff out of my ass.
Loading ...Ryudo, sick of this tripe, yells at Mary Sue to wake her up. She greets him and manages to stand up before realizing that there wasn’t a giant cave entrance or a dirt floor in her hotel room. Wow, she’s sharp. The Black Screen of Exposition takes us back to the inn.
Mary Sue thinks that Ryudo is just bullshitting her when he says that her possession manifests itself by transforming her into a slutty chick by night. Hey, she wouldn’t be the first. Ryudo tells her she wouldn’t be able to tell a joke from a hole in her ass. “She calls herself Millenia, but she also said that she is the ‘Wings of Valmar’,” Ryudo explains for the umpteenth fucking time this recap. When Mary Sue still won’t believe Ryudo, Tidink helpfully says that he saw her too, from right between her breasts. Skye also admits to seeing Millenia, and you know he wouldn’t say he saw a girl if he didn’t have to. “So, the Wings of Valmar are…inside of me…” she wanks, like, duh, that’s what possession is, dumbass. And oh, how I do not want the mental image of Millenia being inside Mary Sue, although some of you fanboys out there are just eating this up. Uh…so to speak. Mary Sue bows her head in self-pity, but before she can bust out a lame monologue or — god forbid — burst into wanksty song, some upbeat music signals the return of our friend Gonzola.
The green-haired, pink-disco-suited man notices to his surprise that Tidink didn’t end up killed or maimed. Only Paella accompanies him — the other two must be having disturbing gay sex somewhere. “And I see you have yourself a few women. Heh, I envy you, feller. Though, the other filly you was with got my blood a stirrin’,” Gonzola skeeves, attempting to make it look like he loves the ladies. At least he has enough taste to see that Millenia is the hotter of the two. Paella is apparently Gonzola’s unsuspecting beard, as she totally freaks out over him checking out the sexy demon chick. She makes a vague threat involving her knife act, but since girls can’t throw worth shit, I doubt that Gonzola is in any danger.
“It cannot be… last night…! That woman is evil incarnate! She brings nothing but sorrow and misfortune!” Elena shrieks. “That so? Then I reckon she ain’t too much different from any other woman,” Gonzola quips. I am so going to recruit him to join in my anti-women’s-lib recapping movement. Obviously, this doesn’t go over well with the shrewish Paella. “I can tell you about ONE woman who’s going to be bringing you sorrow, HONEY,” she bitches. Gosh, I can’t see how Gonzola ever came by that opinion of women. Although I do love the bitches better than the sappy limp noodle female characters, so don’t get all on my ass about that statement. Wait, I mean — women are the suck! Down with chicks! Tidink tries to put a stop to the “lovers'” quarrel, like he’s some kind of wise mediator instead of an annoying little shit.
“I am uncertain,” he says. “I do not think Miss Millenia is evil or anything…” Okay. Again. How would he know? Does shoving your face between someone’s boobs, then fighting a series of battles with them really give a good measure of their soul? No one even bothers to argue with him. Instead, after a moment, Ryudo informs everyone that they can now pass through the rear gate. I think I saw a porno like that once. “Unless you have some more missing jewelry, Roan,” Ryudo snots. Hey, don’t tempt him. Judging from the incredibly gay earrings and, of course, the gigantic mofoing hissyfit over the medal, this kid has a jewelry fetish rivaling Squall’s.
Roan asks if he can tag along with them across the Baked Plains. Yes, the Baked Plains. I expect a complete replica of the Squenix headquarters, with various game designers as random enemies. Come on, you can’t say that wouldn’t be awesome. “Just me by myself is kind of… lonely…” Tidink whines. I hope Tidink doesn’t make a habit out of telling adult men that he’s lonely and he needs their company.
Although Ryudo clearly doesn’t want to deal with this brat, he gets all passive-aggressive about it, saying that Mary Sue won’t be keen on the idea. This, of course, backfires in a major way, as Mary Sue — undoubtedly influenced by the maternal instincts that all perfect woman have in spades — doesn’t mind bringing him along. But she reminds them that they need to hurry — if she keeps transforming into a ho by night, she might do something horrible, like have premarital sex. Oh noes!
I regain control of Ryudo, but before I head out to the Land of the Game Designers, I talk to Gonzola and his lovely lady one more time. Gonzola offers to make a wager on Tidink’s success on the journey. Tidink retorts that if they’re doing a coin toss, he chooses “heads” because Gonzola has a trick coin. Despite the fact that this lame trick has shown up in numerous video games over the years, Gonzola thinks Tidink is a fucking prodigy for figuring it out. “This kid’s sharp as a tack. I think he’ll be quite the help for you. Take good care of him,” Gonzola lies horribly. He’s obviously glad to get the little whippersnapper out of his hair so he can go back to getting some action from the other guys his woman.
“Drop the tough guy act. It really doesn’t suit you. You’re the one who couldn’t hack it out there,” Ryudo snots. This is really rich coming from someone who turns into the biggest video game pussy ever. Gonzola just brushes him off with some lame excuse that makes no sense. He then makes what sounds like a pass at Ryudo. Let’s just move on. Don’t want to go there.
But Mary Sue is still around…
Back in town, Ryudo talks to a host of different soldiers. They either kiss his ass for defeating the horny minotaur, or give him advice on dealing with the Baked Plains monsters. Oddly enough, they all love his Geodudity, unlike the rest of the population. I feel like I’m in Opposite Land or something. “Being a Geo[dude], you must know about the Dirty Sand Monsters of Baked Plains, right?” one guy asks. Hey, that better not be a racial slur, mister. Ryudo says that he plans to avoid those “psychos,” so maybe they’re talking about the game designers. Mary Sue is so confused by the conversation, so Ryudo has to explain that the sandmen live on the Baked Plains and they’re bad. They go on and on about these monsters like they’re freaking important to the plot somehow, until Mary Sue whines that they’ll blow sand into her hair and clothes. Like, totally, ew.
What?
Another guy, after practically fellating Ryudo, informs him that the Granacliffs — an enormous canyon — are ahead. This does become important in a bit — I’m not just giving you filler, here. Jeez, you guys are so untrusting. After talking to yet another asskissing soldier, Tidink does something horribly disturbing. “But it’s okay if I thank you for helping me get my medal back, right? Gee, Mister Ryudo, you’re the greatest,” he gushes. There’s even a little musical note at the end. Okay, that’s it. Tidink officially wants to be pedophile bait. I just found another reason to hate this game. And here I thought that was impossible.
Ryudo tells Tidink to shut up, but then threatens to “shove [him] back in that cave.” Holy crap, if that’s an innuendo, I don’t think I want to go on living. By the time I finish talking to the rest of the soldiers, Ryudo’s boots are well and truly licked. It’s past time to leave. Of course I manage to get lost on the way out of the village, even though the path leads straight ahead. Sometimes I make myself sad. Go ahead, send me more e-mails about how much I suck. I love getting those.
I bet that Crystal Brooch goes FABULOUSLY with the leather leggings.
The Baked Plains, alas, are very different from my cool idea. They’re also different from any other plains I’ve ever seen. The dry and cracked path (hence the term “baked”) winds between some cliffs, and Ryudo has to strike phallic rocks with his sword to move ahead. Appropriately, the Gay Cone is just beyond the penis stones. It’s the little details that make this so special.
This is the game designers farting on me, which pretty much sums up this entire game.
To add to the fun, poison buttholes are located at various points in the rock wall, ready to fart poisonously poisonous gas out on the party. I can definitely say that I’ve wished I could do that to this game, but that doesn’t make this part any more fun for me. After a while, the party runs into what can only be the Dirty Sand Monsters. Although they aren’t really sandmen, but more accurately, sand penises. Don’t let the shock get to you. They are rather annoying, but nothing like the horrors that Ryudo and that random dude seemed to think they were. Freaking drama queens.
After passing through a couple of monotonous screens, Tidink runs ahead of the others, creaming his shorts over something I can’t see. He begs Mary Sue to come take a look. Whoa, there, soldier. Mary Sue stands in place, drooling for a while, until Tidink runs offscreen, then back again, reminding her that she’s supposed to come look at this magnificent sight. This better be, like, Squall and Seifer doing it on a theater-sized screen or something. Mary Sue calls Tidink’s spastic behavior “spirited.” Ryudo said he had another word in mind. Wow, it’s like we’re totally on the same wavelength. Don’t worry, I’m not fooled by the sarcastic exterior. Just let me enjoy it while it lasts.