You probably just read Part 8, so that saves me from trying to create a witty recap-of-a-recap. Plus, nothing happened except for two paragraphs worth of plot, so I wouldn’t really have to summarize it for you anyway.

I’d like to say that this installment picks up with a heartpounding chase scene or some other sort of intriguing plot point, just to cleanse your brains of the tedium that was the town library. Sadly, it’s just another round of Talk To Everyone. An old woman NPC out for a stroll mentions that she’s traveled to the Cyrum Kingdom, but likes this churchy place a lot better. For some strange, foreshadowy reason, Tidink gets all nervous and doesn’t want this lady to see him. Yes, this has actual plot significance, which is why I bothered to mention it.

A couple of different NPCs mention our crazy zealot friend, Selene. One guy is completely obsessed with her and wants in her robe. The other guy thinks she’s hot but scary. “Her beauty is that of a predator hunting her prey. Not at all like [Mary Sue’s] beauty,” Ludo randomly adds. Honestly, this is just beyond tedious. I know, I know — if everyone didn’t drink the Mary Sue koolaid, it wouldn’t make sense to call her Mary Sue. It’s still irritating.

There isn’t enough alcohol in the house — or the world, for that matter — to make me willing to recap any more of the Mary Sue-centered dialogue in the town, so Talk To Everyone is officially over. For the moment, anyway. The only other thing worth mentioning in the town proper is the giant winged statue with girl hair. According to a nearby NPC, this statue is Lord Granas. Wow, I didn’t know he was so fruity. I guess that explains why he enjoys wielding a penisy sword and creating random asscracks in the land.

As the trio approaches the front of the Cathedral, Ryudo admits that he’s impressed. All I can see at the moment is a white stone floor with lavender cobblestones and a giant, elaborate symbol right in the center. The round symbol is accented with lavender and light blue. Clearly this temple was not designed by a straight man. The camera obligingly gives me a view of the Cathedral, so I don’t have to make up what it looks like. It’s located atop what appears to be a snowy mountain, with the world’s longest white staircase leading up to its base. I bet that shit’s icy in the winter. The cathedral itself looks to be white or very light lavender with two elaborately curved towers on either side. In addition, there are eleven phallic protrusions scattered about the structure. The doorway itself is shaped rather like a cock ‘n’ balls. The camera keeps pulling back to show a winged shape with three sparkly things perched right on top of the central wang. People, I think we just discovered Twink’s secret lair.

As the three men and gay falcon continue to gape at this impressive structure, Ludo’s diarrhea of the mouth ends up producing something unintentionally hilarious: “Quite remarkable in its proportions. The thoughts of its architect twist and wind almost palpably through the sculpted stone.” Translation: It looks like a bunch of penises and it was clearly created by a 12-year-old underendowed British homosexual who can’t get any. A gate guard breaks into their cock-awed reverie to inform them that Zera’s expecting them in the audience chamber. From the camera angle, I can now see that the path into the temple is lined with pink. Awesome.

I’m just warning you before I start the next part — throughout his conversations with the Cathedral folk, Ryudo makes it abundantly and repetitively clear (again) that he is not a fan of religion or religious people in general. Now, I don’t blame him for that — I’m not fond of religious wackos myself — but he’s so fucking obnoxious and self-righteous about it that I almost have to side with the fanatics. Right away, he starts in with the gate guard, not even waiting till he gets into the damn building before he starts sharing his unsolicited opinions.

The lobby of the Cathedral continues with the homosexual decor — girl-haired Granas statues, phallic light fixtures, and a plethora of pastels. I have a feeling that in this church, it’s not a sin to be gay. Just a hunch. After having his anti-religious say to the NPCs milling about the lobby, Ryudo talks to the priest at the door to the audience chamber, who tells Ryudo that Tidink and Ludo aren’t allowed in. And for once, they’re the least annoying party members — any other time, I’d be glad to get rid of them. Thanks so much, game designers. Tidink doesn’t mind being excluded, but wants to wait somewhere “interesting.” Unfortunately, this turns out to be another fucking library. “There you will find many important books about the doctrine of our Church,” the priest explains, adding to my pain.

Tidink “discreetly” pulls Ryudo aside to tell him about his plan to look for helpful information in the library. Skye thinks this plan is “clever.” Yes, Tidink’s such a freaking detective for coming up with that one. And then the conversation is over. Yes, that was it. That was Tidink’s important announcement. The priest waits somewhat patiently until Ryudo tells him to lead the two geniuses to the library. “Ryudo! We’ll be waiting in the library!” Tidink shouts as he follows the priest. NO! THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!

Now Ryudo is free to enter the audience chamber, where he finds himself in the midst of a church service. For some reason, Skye isn’t sitting on Ryudo’s shoulder, but awkwardly flapping in midair right next to him. Okay. The camera pans over the elaborate arches and stained glass of the enormous audience chamber. Wait a second…this is a sanctuary! I was tricked! To make matters worse, the camera pans to the front where Mary Sue stands flanked by two generic priestesses, all three of them singing. One might think that the Cathedral would have the most accomplished Songstresses in its employ and not need to rely on one from a backwater hicktown, especially not as the main Songstress. But all logic flies out the window when there’s a chance for a Mary Sue to display her fabulous singing voice!

The song goes on and on, giving the camera further opportunity to caress every curve and crevice of the chamber. There’s a large, winged gay Granas statue sticking out of the front wall, fondling a round stained glass window, a giant dick sticking up out of its back. Phallic candleholders line the walls near the ceiling. A buttload of penisy light fixtures are scattered about the main dais, where Pope Zera stands, wearing his overdone robes. Selene and some random priests stand at the base of the dais, staring up at their leader.

Zera has finally acquired a character portrait and a voice actor for himself. With his arms spread, he drones on about Granas and Light and all that churchy stuff. A priest — whose name is only given as “Father” — interrupts in a whiny, fearful voice to beg Zera for reassurance that they won’t all die horribly in the upcoming Day of Darkness. Zera responds with some generic stuff that boils down to, “Don’t be such a fucking pussy, and Darkness won’t be able to get into your soooooooooooul.” A High Priest (or the High Priest — I don’t know the hierarchy of this church) also whines in terror. Zera repeats his advice using different words. The remainder of the male priests — Selene remains quiet, oddly enough — start freaking out. God, what a bunch of chickenshits. Zera shuts them down yet again, but does it in a much nicer way than I would.

The only non-clone priest, named Oro, steps forward. “Yet, Your Highness Zera, the recent rumors of the revival of Valmar are not going away,” he says in a shaky old man voice. “I have even heard reports that the rumors might be true.” Wow, the church is behind the times by a little bit, aren’t they? For continuity’s sake, he even asks for Selene’s confirmation — since she actually witnessed some of the shit that went down. Given these events, Oro figures that it’s too late to stop the Day of Darkness. Hey, if the Day of Darkness will wipe out the irritating dipshits populating this world, I can’t say I’m too upset about it. Zera pulls the old “we can’t tell the public or they’ll panic” card, and throws Granas’ name into it just to make sure people will listen to him. For some reason, he asks Oro’s opinion on this.

“Ohhhh…” Oro moans. “When the Day of Darkness comes, the world…will most definitely be destroyed!” Oh please no, that would be terrible! Zera just ignores this wussy jizzmopper and proceeds over to Selene. “Selene, do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that the action the Cathedral Knights took was wrong. But you went too far. You must not frighten the people away from Lord Granas.” I like that: you weren’t wrong, but you totally were. It’s like saying “no offense” to people right before you say something offensive. Selene reacts in a humble fashion instead of getting all bitchy on Zera’s ass, which is good because he totally let her off the hook when he shouldn’t have. He finishes his speech with another round of “don’t be pansies or the terrorists Valmar will win” and then orders everyone back to their rooms. They comply. I wish I could make people do my bidding like that, especially if it meant that I could get whiny fucktards out of my presence.

That bit of repetitive business finished, Zera can finally focus on Ryudo. As Ryudo approaches the pope, Mary Sue breaks away from her backup singers to join the conversation as well. I would complain that she’s butting into something that isn’t necessarily her business, but since everything revolves around Mary Sue, I’ll just save my breath. Zera rightfully apologizes for the wait, then does something disturbing. I swear the animation looks like he steps forward, leans down, and kisses Ryudo on the mouth. I guess that’s one way to apologize. It’s probably supposed to be a bow, but there’s no reason to bow that closely to someone. I think Granas may have rubbed off on this guy. Like that. After straightening up — so to speak — Zera makes a motion with his hands like he’s churning butter or jacking it. This might be a secret signal that I don’t know about, kind of like running your hand under the bathroom stall.

Zera apologizes again for the short notice, and invites Ryudo into his private chambers for a special chat. “[Mary Sue]…” is all Ryudo says. Because when you’ve just been propositioned by a powerful church leader, the obvious thing to do is address your stupid love interest. Well, it looks like Mary Sue is involved with this whole thing, because she precedes Zera into his office. I do not like where this is going. Skye finally lands on Ryudo’s shoulder, deciding that his random bout of flapping is finished. I’m sure he wants to watch.

I get control of Ryudo again, and make him do a quick round of Talk To Everyone. For the moment, this is just Mary Sue’s two backup singers. Both of them spout brainwashed happy sappy Granas bullcrap while Ryudo responds with more snide, rude anti-Granas bullcrap. I can’t side with anyone here. Fed up with the dead-eyed religious rantings of the singers, Ryudo proceeds through the door after Zera and Mary Sue. I have a feeling this conversation isn’t going to improve my mood any.

The room is, obviously, the same room that Zera and Mary Sue were in earlier, with the massive organ. Oops, I couldn’t help myself. Bowing low, Zera continues his polite behavior by thanking Ryudo for helping Mary Sue not get eaten by monsters and Valmar. “But now, I have a special request to make…” Uh-oh. But Ryudo’s not concerned about what this means for him! No, he has more important matters — namely, is Mary Sue going to be okay? According to Zera, even he and his fancy pope robes are not able to exorcise Valmar from Mary Sue. Great, I just wasted a whole fucking trip.

But wait! Hope is not lost! The Granasaber — known as the Granaschlong from here on — may be the key to fixing this whole freaking mess. And that’s what Zera wants from Ryudo — to go get the damn thing. “The sword which slew the Dark One must be returned to us if the Light is to be restored to this world!” Zera exposits like crazy. Apparently, Mary Sue’s incessant gushing over Ryudo’s strong brute manliness convinced Zera that the Geodude is the only one for the job. Recall that at the beginning of the game, people couldn’t shut up about how horrible and disgusting Geodudes are. But here in the very religious center of the land, not one person has made an “Ew! Ick! Geodude!” type of comment. In fact, the hateful comments have seemed to lessen over the course of the journey, if I’m recalling things correctly. Did the game designers just get tired of that particular plot point (like I did a long time ago), or is there some actual significance? I’ll let you guys decide.