Grandia II
Part 1
"Everyone hates Ryudo."
Meet Ryudo, our 17-year-old sarcastic, world weary hero. Everyone hates him because he’s a Geodude and he slays mean monsters. What a bastard. Meet Mary Sue, our young, beautiful, innocent, religious songstress who has the power to change Ryudo into a braindead idiot. Meet Millenia, our only ray of light even though she’s a creature of Darkness.
Part 2
"Adventures in wankitude."
Ryudo begins the journey from cool dude to complete pussywhipped loser as we experience some of the most nauseating “moments” thus far. Millenia makes another appearance, and we gain another annoying and useless party member. Go Grandia II!
Part 3
"Asscrack of the world."
After a shocking plot twist, Ryudo, Mary Sue, and Tidink head across the Baked Plains until they reach the Granacliffs. We learn some riveting information about Ryudo’s past that means absolutely nothing to us. And after all that, the party finds out that crossing the crack isn’t going to be a cakewalk. Shit!
Part 4
"The root of all wanking."
The citizens of Liligue City have a problem. Not only can they only eat wombat penis due to a little taste bud difficulty, but they aren’t willing to move (and thus, solve the problem) because they’re a bunch of greedy assnozzles obsessed with money. That’s a fairly easy concept to comprehend, right? Well, the game designers obviously don’t think so. Wear a helmet, as the Plot Point Jackhammer sees copious use in this recap.
Part 5
"Was blind, but now I see…BECAUSE OF THE DEVIL."
After an action-movie-style crash-landing, the party ends up off course and in for some fun. And by “fun,” I mean lazy game designer-induced déjà vu. That’s right, we encounter another village of whiners who have also been fucked up by a Piece of Valmar. But this time we’re dealing with a little girl instead of a huge fat guy, so it’s totally different.
Part 6
"The brainpower of a gnat."
The great thing about this title is that it can really apply to anyone in this recap. Anyone. See, the party encounters these jerky Eyeball Bats that enjoy causing nightmares. This seems to be the most difficult concept in the entire world to these people. Speaking of difficult concepts, the party finally realizes that Valmar is responsible for the town’s problems. Small favors.
Part 7
"Won’t someone please think of the children?!"
Sorry, but that someone won’t be me. Unfortunately for me and my wellbeing, that someone is Ryudo. Yes, Ryudo, the guy who doesn’t like people, no matter the age. Now that Samara has been outed as — surprise! — the possessed individual, Ryudo takes it upon himself to save her at all costs! He also decides to be as annoying as possible about this. Thankfully, Millenia manages to not be an asshat, so I don’t have to jump out the window. Hooray!
Part 8
"Sunday School Lessons, Part 1"
If you enjoy copious amounts of ChoadChatting as well as endless Sunday School lessons, then I have the recap for you! Ryudo and the other assnozzles in the party finally make it to St. Heim Papal State. You know how this whole trainwreck involved getting Mary Sue to the pope? Yeah, that conversation lasts about thirty seconds and the rest takes place mostly offscreen. Normally I wouldn’t complain, but the alternative is much, much worse — reading through religious texts in the town library and listening to everyone go on and on and on about Mary Sue. At least there are some cute animals to make me hate my life less.
Part 9
"Sunday School Lessons, Part 2"
In the second talkative part of the double recap, some plot actually takes place. I know! It turns out Pope Zera can’t do much for Mary Sue, but he claims that if Ryudo goes and gets him a magical sword, then they might have a chance to save her…oh, and the world, too. Will Ryudo fetch this penisy item for the church he endlessly bitches about? You’ll have to read and find out. Suspense!