Welcome to the second part of the double recap, or as I call it, Part 4! I shouldn’t have to recap the last recap since these were posted at the same time, but I suppose it’s possible that someone would choose to read just Part 4 instead of all of my fantastic recaps, so here goes.

Ryudo, Mary Sue, and Tidink traveled across the Baked Plains where they found mountains rather than game designers. They encountered the giant Granasscrack, and suddenly realized they had to find some way across. This led to Liligue City, where things have gone to shit in a shitbasket. We rejoin the party as they explore this fabulous town where no one ever whines.

After talking to a few townspeople, I could leave well enough alone and go to Gadan’s house right away. Of course, I don’t do that. This causes me to encounter one of the most retarded conversations thus far, short of nauseating moments between Ryudo and Mary Sue. A green-haired lady bitches, “Man, I’m hungry. Why doesn’t this ‘high-tech town’ build a machine to dispel the food curse?” Tidink wonders if that’s even possible. “Of course it is. All things are possible… With the right financial backing,” Green Hair replies. I think this is what happens when the game designers run out of ways to beat a concept into our heads before they run out of NPC dialogue to write.

Another nearby NPC sits on his ass, feeling like shit. But he can’t go home, because then he would earn less money! And if he earned less money, well, then, he couldn’t buy all the kewl stuff like healing potions and armor. Oh noes! Or maybe he needs the money to build a house, since there are umpteen NPCs and, like, four houses in town. The NPC goes on some more about how money is great. Money money money! MONEY! And also, the NPCs in this town all want money.

Now that we all have this concept firmly in mind, the game designers don’t insult our intelligence any further. I’m lying out my ass, of course. By the time I’m done with this town, I’m greedy and hungry. Oh wait.

One guy stops talking about food long enough to exposit about the church on the hill. Apparently, the church used to be in the center of the town. But now it doesn’t matter where it is, because the people’s souls (and stomachs) are totally empty. As for why the church made this undoubtedly annoying move…well, that’s never explained. Look at all the hungry and greedy people!

‘Because wombat penis is my favorite food!’

Another crazy old bat whines about the big ruined pillars. They’re ugly! They’re in the way! Gadan won’t get rid of them! They have extreme significance to the plot! Oops, I gave that completely unpredictable twist away. A teenage girl is thrilled about this whole hunger thing because now she can be anorexic and lose weight. The party gives her shit over this, the bunch of hypocrites. The poor girl is probably just trying to lose enough essential body fat to become a main female RPG character.

Did you remember to remove them from the Sariba first?

Next stop: the Skygay station. Here, I get it jackhammered into my skull that no one is allowed on the Skygay because they make more money carrying cargo. And they can’t give up even the tiniest bit of cash in order to take one lousy party across the buttcrack. This storyline is just so riveting, I must see how it ends! Everyone tells Ryudo to go talk to Gadan. I’m getting the teeniest bit of an inkling that I should visit Gadan. Call me perceptive.

For some random reason, I head over to Gadan’s house. Ryudo and the others enter what must be Gadan’s office. To illustrate that this dude is rich, his office is filled with luxurious rugs, paintings, statues, books, and porn. Gadan himself sits in a massive chair at a table filled with food. WAIT A MINUTE, IS SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

Gadan is a giant black man with purple hair and huge white worm lips. His eyes also face two different directions. If I weren’t such a huge dumbass, I might think that this guy was creepy and disgusting. But the character design is way too subtle for me.

Luckily, I’m helped a bit by Gadan’s rude slobbering. “Shlurp. Delicious! DEE-licious!” he gushes. Some lovely slurping sound effects help to illustrate this ambiguous scene. Ryudo gets right to the heart of the matter, asking about the Skygay status. Gadan reiterates what we all have tattooed on the inside of our skulls by now — people are not allowed on the Skygay. Ryudo, with a lascivious character portrait grin, promises, “I’ll make it worth your while.” Oh, dear God, no. This is almost as wrong as Ryudo hitting on Mary Sue.

But Gadan is not interested in hot Geodude ass — he’s only motivated by food and money. Kind of like my rabbits, except for the money part. “Ahh… I didn’t notice you had a Sister with you. She must be headed to Granas Cathedral, hmm? Well. More business.” Of course he would make an exception for Mary Sue. Oh, and cold, hard cash. His price is 10,000 gold or whatever the money system is in this game. That is my subtle way of saying I don’t give a shit. Ryudo agrees to this, never mind that he most definitely does not have that kind of money on hand. Yeah, that’s my bad.

Before Ryudo can propose just how to make up the difference, Gadan informs him that he must wait until tomorrow for the next tram. Okay, I’m confused again. Here are the events of the last couple of days:

-The party reaches the Granasscrack and sees the Skygay train going across.
-They camp nearby right afterward.
-A few minutes after leaving camp the next morning, they reach the town, only to find the gate barred for the night. Mary Sue is tired. They stay overnight at the inn.
-The next morning, the gate is open, so they spent five minutes talking to NPCs.
-Immediately after that, they talk to Gadan, who informs them that the last train has departed for the day.

Either the entire world, including Ryudo and his gang, operates on a schedule where everything is only open and people are only awake for a period of a few minutes each morning, or the game designers put pretty much no thought into this sequence of events. I’ll let you decide.

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Now that all the necessary plot shit is out of the way, Mary Sue is free to spew her self-righteous crap all over the chamber. “Obviously, YOU can still stuff yourself with food!” she accuses. “Why do you not share your secret with the townsfolk?” Although there definitely is something wrong here, for all stupid Mary Sue knows, there’s nothing this guy can do about the problem. So it’s great that she came in here and had a huge hissyfit about it. Ryudo tells her to shut her pie hole. “A strange thing to say, my Sister,” Gadan creeps. “Do you imply that my health is something less than virtuous?” Well, obviously. I mean, he’s fat, and fat people are either villains or comic relief. Duh. Mary Sue totally backpedals. Gadan admits that this whole food problem upsets him as well. But not because he’s a caring individual. Oh, no. You see, in a shocking twist, he’s unhappy because his employees can’t work, which is bad for business, and then he makes less money.

Gadan, his extremely phallic tongue sticking out on his character portrait, points out that maybe he’s the only one in town who hasn’t pissed off the benevolent Granas. Riiiight. Don’t try to convince us that you’re good, fatty. Because you’re fat! “[sniff] ? [sniff] ! Shlurp! Dear Sister, you smell quite nice. Were you aware that smell and taste are interrelated?” Gadan takes the conversation into a whole new realm of wrong. Everyone interprets this as Gadan wanting to boff her. Now, his statement can clearly be interpreted that way, but not only would no one want to screw Mary Sue, but fat people also don’t have sex. They just want to eat. And indeed, that’s what Gadan wants to do to Mary Sue.

It makes it sound like Granas has his hand up his butt or something.

Gadan insists that he’s innocent, he’s a great guy, he’s turned this town around, everyone should suck his dick if he were interested in that, which he’s not because he’s fat, etc. Since he’s no expert in religious issues, he suggests that the group visit the church on the hill find out more about why Granas supposedly took his blessing away from the town. He finishes the conversation with some more drooling over Mary Sue’s fine eatable (but not in a sexual way) flesh.

The obligatory part of the conversation is over. But talking to Gadan yet again reveals some important and heretofore unknown information. You see, Gadan wants to eat Mary Sue. And he also eats a lot of food. After a bit, Tidink is all, “Hey, Mary Sue, I think he wants to eat you!!!!!!” God damn, his IQ must be well above genius level.

Speaking of geniuses, the group stops outside the house to discuss what just happened. We establish that Gadan is disgusting, he eats a lot, and his huge appetite is “unnatural.” Sometimes when people complain that my recaps are repetitive, I seriously wonder if they’ve ever even played these games they claim to love so much.

Tidink brings up the fact that Ryudo promised more money than they have. Ryudo thinks that Gadan is trying to pull a fast one on them, but they should start “digging in [their] couches for change” anyway. No one suggests the obvious solution — that they give him Mary Sue to eat. I know that creates a paradox, since without Mary Sue they wouldn’t need to go on the Skygay, but who’s complaining? Skye gets the best line ever: “Why don’t we just waste him?” Ryudo loves this idea. Stupid Tidink has to ruin everything by pointing out, “Uh, Ryudo… Like it or not, we do have a Sister in our party.” God damn it. Stuff a sock in it, Tidink.

And Mary Sue just can’t fucking let go of her need to help the townsfolk. She still can’t reconcile “blessed by Granas” and “everything’s fucked up.” Surprisingly, no one shakes her and tells her that she’s a giant hopeless idiot. Ryudo points out for the fiftieth time that they don’t have time to fix the situation. “This town… everything… it is terrible. I just cannot ignore those in need,” Mary Sue drama queens. Tidink becomes the voice of reason when he points out that they have the rest of the day to putz around, so why not just go to the church? “Shut your damn yap, kid. This is not a stroll to the altar, and we’re not in the bloody church choir! I’m sick of all this!” Ryudo bitches, becoming my hero. Mary Sue, despite all her STRENGTH and KINDNESS and PURITY, feels the need to apologize. “… Don’t be so quick to apologize. Come on. Let’s find the church,” Ryudo inexplicably 180s. Oh, Jesus. Uh…no pun intended.