What’s great about this dialogue is that everyone’s talking, but no one is really responding to anyone else. It’s just a mishmash of different statements, like everyone’s just talking to themselves. While Mystery Person wonders about Sephiroth, Gay Lion is surprised and disappointed to find out that his main man Bitch didn’t “finish [ProtoSeifer] off” at the Shinra building. Well, maybe he did, but it’s not like they’re going to show…oh, he means that Bitch didn’t kill him. My bad. Meanwhile, Mr. T tries to find a way to get to the upper city. He wants to know if they should climb the tower out in the ocean. Priscilla warns of a dangerous electrical current under the tower. So the answer would be yes, then. That’s just me being a sadistic jerk again.

‘…in bed.’

Priscilla has a better idea. And by “better,” I mean “KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME I HATE EVERYTHING OH MY GOD KILL ME NOW.” I’ll explain in a little bit. For now, Priscilla runs off to the beach, entreating the group to follow. Okay, you know how the two adult women in the party just love Bitch oh-so-much and want to have his blocky babies? Well, that doesn’t extend to risking their lives to help him out. In what’s supposed to be a “comedic” display of their assholitude, the entire group — starting with Tita and Airhead — bow out of the operation, wishing Bitch all the luck in the world.

His friends are all asshats.

Uh, that’s not a whistle.

So Bitch ventures out to the edge of the rock outcropping where Priscilla awaits. Priscilla blows a whistle, and her dolphin friend takes about fifty million years to swim around for us. He ends his production with an extraordinarily high jump. During this time, Mr. T deigns to join Bitch on the beach, so I guess he’s not as big a dickhole as the others. He practically creams his shorts over the dolphin’s jump — “I ain’t never seen no Dolphin jump like that!” I’m not sure how a Dolphin differs from a dolphin, but more importantly, I don’t know if anyone’s ever seen a dolphin jump like that. But I could be wrong — I’m sure some extreme FF7 fanboy will now e-mail me with a detailed explanation of a standard dolphin’s jumping ability and how FF7 like, totally got it right and CLOUD RULZ.

I think you see where this is going. High, high above the water, connected to the high voltage tower, is a thin beam. Or, as they call it in the game, a pole. Whatever. Bitch is supposed to use Mr. Dolphin’s elite jumping capabilities to reach said pole, which apparently connects to the tower and then to the upper part of the city.

Fair enough. Sure, it’s kind of farfetched and silly, but I’ll accept it without too much nitpicking this time. So we’ve got this absolutely splendid plan, Priscilla hands off her whistle to Bitch, Mr. T holds onto the PHS because the game designers wanted Bitch to go through the next part solo and couldn’t have this party change ability messing things up “so it doesn’t get wet,” and everything looks good.

Only no one bothered to inform Bitch that Mr. Dolphin is retarded.

To be fair, it’s probably not the dolphin’s fault it takes me ten minutes to jump up to the pole. It’s not like he really understands what Bitch is trying to do. See, Bitch is supposed to stand in just the right spot in order for Mr. Dolphin to jump straight up and launch him onto the pole. And yes, that last sentence should most certainly not be taken out of context. The problem is, I have almost as much trouble finding this elusive spot as Tidus does finding the clitoris. And the strategy guide is no help. Oh, sure, they have a screenshot with a circle indicating the jump spot. Only the screenshot is the size of a postage stamp, and the area within the circle, when blown up to full TV size, surrounds at least several inches of screen space.

Oh, and did I mention that the circle is in the totally wrong spot?

Yes, in a guide that is supposed to tell me the exact millimeter of screen space to stand in, they couldn’t even get that right. I found this out the hard way. After the aforementioned ten minutes of jumping, falling, swearing, jumping, falling, swearing, swimming too close to the tower, passing out, waking up, returning to the water, jumping, falling, swearing, (repeat x 100), swimming too close to the tower, passing out, waking up, returning to the water, and then jumping, falling, and swearing some more, I finally end up on the pole. I would like to use the pole to bludgeon quite a few different people at the moment, including but not limited to the game designers and the author of the strategy guide. Incidentally, I take back everything I said earlier.

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Though it would have been quicker and less irritating to fight my way up the elevator in the lower city, I have now accomplished my goal. I am rewarded with a Crappy Blocky FMV of Bitch reaching the top of the tower and encountering an impressive airship. I don’t think I need to tell you what it looks like. Okay, I will, but only if the more sensitive and mature of you close your eyes first. I don’t want to offend anyone’s sensibilities here — obviously you are all being forced to read this site against your will. Everyone good? All right — get ready: it looks like a penis.

PENIS!

And the game designers are obviously enamored of their flying penis, as it gets an inordinate amount of camera time. It’s even silhouetted against a beautiful pink sunset in order to properly display its spectacular penisity…penosity? Penisitude?

ANOTHER PENIS!

Okay, it’s safe now. Bitch sneaks under the hovering airship, running across the landing strip and onto the world’s largest lift. He rides it down to a lower level. Whew, it’s a good thing that there aren’t Shinra guards patrolling this obviously valuable airship. Since Bitch feels gypped that he didn’t get caught even though he was in a high security area, he figures that it would be a good idea to enter the nearby guard station.

Inside, a group of soldiers all pee their pants in fear and excitement, chattering about the arrival of the wonderful and downright spiffy ProtoSeifer. A guy in a flamboyant red uniform, possibly their captain or whatever, notices Bitch just standing around with his thumb up his butt. Captain Fabulous tells Bitch to get out of this private building. I’m just kidding — of course he totally mistakes Bitch for one of his underlings. Possibly because of the distinctive Mako eyes. Then again, that would imply some sort of coherence and continuity on the part of the game designers, and that’s just crazy talk.

Captain Fabulous lures Bitch into a nearby locker room in order to get him into uniform, which is certainly not gay at all. By lucky coincidence, one of the six lockers in the tiny room just happens to hold an extra Shinra uniform. What are the chances? Of course Bitch has to make a big dramatic deal over it, talking out loud about his past feelings regarding the uniform. During his monologue, he stands just below the viewable part of the room, changing. Thank God we don’t have to watch it, or we would see some seriously offensive blocks of nudity. Captain Fabulous tells Bitch to shut up with the lame jabbering, not the least bit suspicious when Bitch admits he hates wearing the uniform. Of course, I think Captain Fabulous is too busy checking Bitch out during this part to bother listening to what he’s saying.

‘Damn thongs are so uncomfortable.’

At last Bitch emerges, now looking like a regular Shinra soldier. In other words, just like Bob or Schtolty, may he rest in peace. In addition to the blue uniform, Bitch also has a long, hard black rifle that he rests against his shoulder. “Wow! You look good in it!” Captain Fabulous gushes, hoping to get a little nookie from this new guy. I mean, come on — this guy has to know that Bitch isn’t one of his underlings. He just saw this hot blond studmuffin who stumbled into his station and wanted to get him in uniform. I’m not stupid.

Captain Fabulous wonders if Bitch remembers the “Greeting procedure.” I’m going to guess that it involves a handshake of sorts, only involving one hand. Hey, I’ve seen what these Shinra guys do to each other. When Bitch plays dumb, Captain Fabulous offers to show him. And to make things even gayer, two other soldiers run in with their phallic rifles, all raring to help with this task as well. “We’ll sing too!” one of them shrills, like we’re in “Humping Bitch: The Musical.”

The two random soldiers — now called Bruce and Lance — give Bitch the instructions. Unfortunately for Bitch, it appears that they’re just showing him how to march in time to the catchy tune. And to keep step with the other soldiers. And to shoulder the gun using the circle button. Wait, why do I have to know this shit? I sure hope there’s not a point where I’m actually tested on this. To make it more irritating and pointless, there doesn’t seem to be a way to practice it, as Bitch simply walks normally when I try to make him match the others. So fuck it.

The best part of this scene is finding out the moving and heartfelt lyrics to the march. I will transcribe some of them here for comedic value:

Rufus—
Rufus Shinra—-
We—are—Shinra Company—-
The new—–President——
Oh—– Oh—–
Shinra———

There’s more, but unfortunately for you I was impatient and ended this silly routine before they got to it all. But I think that’s enough to give you a visual — a group of uniformed guys, marching in rhythm, moving their black rifles in time to the beat, singing stuff like “Oh—– Oh—– Shinra———” Seriously.