Some Oh Shit! Airhead’s Going To Get Raped By A Blocky Orange Lion Music begins playing. Airhead runs around the cage and starts pounding on the glass, pleading for Bitch to help her. Hojo exposits that he’s doing his part for these two “endangered species,” like he’s a fucking park ranger, when he’s actually just a sad man who gets his jollies from interspecies sexual relations. Tita objects to the whole experiment, crying, “Airhead is a human being!” Oh, very good, Tita. That’ll stop him for sure. Meanwhile, Blocky Orange Lion’s tail is sticking straight up and vibrating. I did not need to see that. Mr. T yells at Hojo. Now, I’m wondering why everyone is standing around shouting impotent threats instead of, um, I don’t know, breaking the damn glass. Bitch must have heard me yelling at the screen, because he asks Mr. T to do something. Mr. T takes it upon himself to raise his gun arm and start shooting the shit out of the glass, never mind that Airhead and BOL are directly in his line of fire. Miraculously, they both survive.
Meanwhile, the cage fills with bright light and the door opens. Note that there was no shattering of glass or anything. BOL jumps on Hojo, knocking him to the ground. Thankfully, he’s not taking out his urges on Hojo or anything, although I’m sure there’s some fanfiction about that somewhere. Bitch goes into the cage to get Airhead, who’s lying on the ground. She stands up and runs out, thanking Bitch. For what? He didn’t do shit. Suddenly, the elevator inside the cage starts moving. Hojo takes some time out from getting mauled to explain that the creature that is presumably arriving is a “ferocious specimen.” Read: boss monster. Suddenly, BOL speaks, offering to help them out with the badass boss. Tita is all, “It talked!?” to which BOL replies, “I’ll talk as much as you want later, Miss.” Oh, so he is a humanphile.
At this point, I get to choose who Bitch sends off to keep Airhead safe while the rest of them fight the monster. I’m stuck with BOL, but can get rid of Mr. T or Tita. Since Tita is useful only for her boobs, and I’m not into Tita’s boobs, I tell her to take a hike. Bitch is nice enough to ask BOL his name. BOL replies that Hojo named him Red XIII, but Bitch can call him whatever he wants. Strangely enough, Red XIII doesn’t give Bitch his actual name (which we find out later). Derp! I decide to copy John and name Red XIII after a character from one of my favorite South Park episodes — the gay lion. It’s not like I know Gay Lion’s sexual orientation or anything, but he’s rather flamboyant-looking for a straight lion.
It’s boss battle time! The boss is an ugly bug/plant type thing with a trio of smaller bugs to help kick my ass. The boss’s main move is to poison me with its poisonous venom. There is no special secret to this battle — I just use my strongest attacks and limit breaks. Go, game designer creative team! It takes me all of two minutes (if that) to beat the creature.
After the battle, Hojo is nowhere to be found. Bitch asks if Airhead is okay. Tita says she is, “in many ways.” Meaning she hasn’t been anally violated by a horny lion. Gay Lion informs the group that he’s not into “two-legged-things,” which is odd, considering his comment to Tita earlier, not to mention the whole vibrating tail debacle. But whatever. Mr. T asks Gay Lion what the hell he is, and GL simply brushes aside the question, saying it is difficult to answer. In other words, the game designers were too lazy to think up a name for this creature.
Gay Lion, apparently the most intelligent one in the group, thinks they should get the hell out of there. Airhead ignores him and tries to have a moment with Bitch, but Gay Lion interrupts, apologizing for acting horny earlier. He says that he was trying to fool Hojo, but I’m a little suspicious. He seems to be protesting a bit much.
You wish.
Bitch decides that a group of five is too suspicious, and they should split up. In other words, I’m only allowed to have three people in my party at a time. So Bitch exchanges Mr. T for Tita. Not because he likes her, but because I suddenly remember that she has all the healing magic equipped and I’m too lazy to change it. Mr. T and Airhead run off, reminding Bitch to meet them at the 66th floor elevator. Before Bitch follows them, he confronts Hojo’s assistant, who is still around, and receives the keycard to the 68th floor. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to go there right now. Shit. So I head back downstairs.
Bitch gets in the elevator on the 66th floor, even though Airhead and Mr. T are nowhere to be found. This might be Bitch’s first clue that something’s going down, except that he’s not that smart. A bald guy with sunglasses follows Bitch onto the elevator. He’s wearing a suit similar to Reno and Tseng’s. Uh-oh! The Turk, whose name is Rude, tells Bitch to press ‘Up’. Bitch is all, “It’s a trap!” and then Tseng steps onto the elevator. He taunts Bitch a bit before the screen fades out.
I don’t even want to know.
In the next scene, the four prisoners (minus Airhead) are being escorted into President Shinra’s gigantic office. “You all got caught, too?” Bitch asks the others. No, they like having their hands tied behind their backs like that. Bitch demands to know where Airhead is, because we can’t go for two seconds without knowing the location of the Mary Sue. PS assures Bitch that she’s safe. Well, I know I’m relieved. Randomly, he explains that Airhead is the last Ancient. Thanks, but we already knew that. President Shinra is in the mood for exposition, so he continues, “Don’t you know? They called themselves the Cetra, and lived thousands of years ago. Now they are just a forgotten page in history.” Well, I know now. Thanks, buddy. Gay Lion asks if “that girl” is one of the Cetra. Um, didn’t PS just say that? Maybe Gay Lion isn’t so smart after all. PS, still on a roll, explains that the Ancients, “will show [Shinra] the way to the Promised Land.” Gay Lion says that the Promised Land is just a legend. Of course it is. PS is all, “Yeah, but I haven’t got anything better to do, so what the hell?”
Somehow, President Shinra has deduced that the Promised Land is full of Mako, so he wants to build “Neo-Midgar” there. Yup, it’s all about the money. PS gushes some more about buying happiness using money and power, and then randomly decides that their “meeting” is over. Well….thanks for the exposition, dude. Rude tells them to move on out. Mr. T wants to give PS a piece of his mind, but Rude grabs Mr. T and pushes him offscreen. Even though Mr. T is much bigger than Rude. Whatever.
We rejoin our heroes in the prison cells on the 67th floor. Bitch and Tita are in the center cell, Mr. T and Gay Lion are on the right, and Airhead is on the left. Why they put Tita in with Bitch and not with Airhead, I’ll never know. But I’m kind of glad there’s less fodder for pervy fanboys. Bitch can choose which of his companions to check on. I choose Gay Lion first. He’s moaning about his grandpa while Mr. T laughs at him. Okay, that was pointless. Next, I check on Mr. T. He reiterates everything we’ve learned so far about the Ancients, the Promised Land, and Shinra. He’s so upset about the prospect of Shinra using up all the Mako in the Promised Land that he’s going to….recruit new members for AVALANCHE! He asks Gay Lion if he’d like to join the band of merry wankers, but Gay Lion just walks away from him. Well, as far away as he can in the tiny cell.
Next I talk to Tita, who wants Bitch to break them out of the prison. He assures her that he will, and she gushes over his bravery. I stick my finger down my throat. Finally, I have Bitch check on Airhead. He asks if she’s safe. Airhead is all giddy that Bitch would “come for her” (ew), even though he’s locked in a prison cell. Whoops. She presses her ear to her door and says, “The deal was for one date, right?” At this, Tita sits up and passive-aggressively whines, “…………..oh, I get it.” Airhead is surprised that Tita is there, to which Tita responds, “EXCUSE me.” Rar! Hiss!
The catfight is cut short when Tita asks Airhead if the Promised Land exists. Airhead doesn’t know, but she unhelpfully explains, “The Cetra were born from the Planet, speak with the Planet, and unlock the Planet. And….then…..The Cetra will return to the Promised Land. A land that promises supreme happiness.” Everyone is confused, even Airhead. Tita asks what the Planet says to Airhead. Airhead replies, “It’s full of people and noisy. That’s why I can’t make out what they are saying.” Apart from the badly translated nature of this sentence, it’s clear that Airhead is pulling all this information out of her ass. Airhead blathers some more about hearing the planet while in the church, and that she’ll speak with the planet and find the Promised Land…just as soon as she gets out of Midgar. M’kay. On that note, Bitch decides to take a nappy-nap.
When he wakes up, his door is open and the guard is dead. Easiest. Prison. Escape. Ever. Confused, he checks the guard, and then wakes up Tita. They both go and look at the dead guard for a while. Bitch steals the key off of the corpse and frees Mr. T and Gay Lion while Tita frees Airhead. I’m not sure how that can happen simultaneously when they only have one key, but nothing else makes sense in this game, so I’ll let that pass for now. Everyone establishes for the 52nd time that Something Weird Is Going On. Gay Lion examines the guard and determines that “no human could have done this.” Um, how can you tell? The guy is just lying there.
Loading ...Mr. T tells everyone to go on ahead while he cleans up the area. I don’t know why the hell he would choose to do so, considering that it’s completely obvious to anyone with half a brain that the prisoners all escaped. Bitch and the others follow Gay Lion out of the cell area and into the lab. The boob container has a big hole in the side, and there’s blood everywhere. Jenova is gone. One of Hojo’s assistants is dead. Bitch has to talk to Gay Lion, who is blocking the path, in order to continue.
Is it a lion? Or a pile of boxes?
I’m going to digress for a moment to share a rather funny gaming experience with all of you. Back when FF7 came out, I let one of my friends play it on my Playstation while I worked on the computer. I heard her swearing and bitching about something for at least half an hour, and I finally asked her what was wrong. She was at this exact point in the game when she got stuck. She told me, “I can’t find the damn lion. I’ve been everywhere.” I looked at the screen, confused. “Um, he’s right there,” I replied. She said that the pile of boxes was blocking her way. “That orange pile of boxes?” I inquired. I believe her exact words were, “God damn it.” The moral of the story is: FF7 graphics suck. Now back to your regularly scheduled recap.
Or not. At this time, I reach the save point and decide to call it quits for now. Right in the middle of the “exciting” part! Will Bitch and the others escape the Shinra building? What happened to Jenova? You’ll have to find out next time. Or just play the damn game.