Goooo, Photoshop lens flare!

Reno’s main attack is to put a translucent golden pyramid, complete with cheesy Photoshop lens flare effect, around one of the party members, preventing him or her from moving. I know; you’re so scared. “Try and break it if you can,” Reno taunts. The answer to this incredibly puzzling dilemma is to attack the pyramid with one of the other characters. That doesn’t even damage the character in the pyramid. Way to choose a really terrible attack, Reno.

I beat Reno easily, even going into the battle without healing, because he does Pyramid more than he does any attacks that actually hurt the party. What an idiot. He runs away like a little wuss and jumps over the edge of the platform. I’d probably kill myself if I got beaten by a prison bitch, a scantily clad chick, and a Mr. T clone, too. Tita goes over to the panel. Her hands move and there are some beeping sounds, but no narration as to what she’s doing. I’m so confused! I don’t know what’s going on if nobody tells me! Bitch and Mr. T just stand there and watch her, looking totally unconcerned. Finally, Bitch walks nonchalantly over to Tita. I love how there’s almost no urgency in the scene even though they are about to be crushed.

“Bitch! I don’t know how to stop this. Try it!” Tita says helplessly to her stud. Bitch examines it. “It’s not a normal time bomb,” he informs everyone. A bomb? Why is there a control panel for…never mind. The point is, it’s too late and no one can stop the pillar from collapsing. Just then, a helicopter rises from where Reno jumped. But there’s a different Turk standing on it. This dude is named Tseng, and he informs them that the bomb will blow up as soon as some “stupid jerk” touches it. Way to go with the creative insults, there, Tseng. Tita begs him to stop, and Tseng reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Exposition Hat. “Only a Shinra Executive can set up or disarm the Emergency Plate Release System,” he tells them for some reason. None of this makes sense. “Shut yer hole!” Mr. T shrieks, aiming his gun arm at Mr. Exposition. It’s at this point that Tseng draws attention to his “guest” on the helicopter. Surprise, surprise, it’s Airhead. What, you thought we’d actually not have to rescue her at some point?

Tseng spouts some more typical bad guy shit that is supposed to make him seem all badass. Dude, you kidnapped a basically helpless girl. Get over yourself. “What are you gonna do with Airhead!?” Bitch screams, in order to prompt more expositional dialogue. “I haven’t decided,” Tseng replies. “Our orders were to find and catch the last remaining Ancient.” What? Airhead is the last remaining member of a mysterious group of people? What a shock. Also, if Tseng had orders to catch her, then why does he think he gets to decide what to do with her?

A blinding flash of the obvious.

Airhead tells Tita, “Don’t worry! She’s all right!” prompting the Obligatory Helpless Female Slap from Tseng. That bastard! He’s bad because he hits women, see? Obviously, the “she” that Airhead is referring to is Marlene, as any idiot could figure out. Airhead warns the others to get out. Miraculously, the pillar still hasn’t collapsed. “Well, it should be starting right about now. Think you can escape in time?” Tseng taunts. Unless this is going to be the shortest game ever, yes, I do think so. Why doesn’t Tseng just kill them? I mean, hello.

That just looks wrong.

The Hurry Up and Get Out, You Silly Bastards Music starts playing as the helicopter flies off to a backdrop of fiery debris falling from the pillar. Luckily for our heroes, there just so happens to be a wire attached to the platform that they can use to swing to safety. It’s also strong enough to hold three people AND it will take them right out of Sector 7. Wow, that’s a nifty coincidence, isn’t it? Tita climbs on the wire in front of Mr. T, and Bitch climbs in front of Mr. T, too, somehow ending up with his ass in Mr. T’s face, and the three of them ride to safety, just in the nick of time.

There’s a nifty FMV of the pillar exploding and the plate falling, crushing lots of innocent blocky people. In Crappy Blocky FMV Style, we see Bitch and the others swing out of Sector 7 as debris flies out into our favorite playground from earlier. There’s some more fire and explosions, and then just to drive the point home about how evil Shinra is, President Shinra sits watching the whole spectacle while listening to classical music. What a butthole.

Bitch, Tita, and Mr. T are in the playground, which is now full of shit and burning things. They slowly walk over to the former entrance to Sector 7, where Mr. T cries, screams, swears, carries on, wonders about the meaning of life, and shoots stuff for about 15 minutes. He whines about Marlene, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie until Tita sees fit to point out to him that Marlene is safe, as Airhead said earlier. Wow, I’m sure glad we got to sit through that whole Mr. T whinefest. We get it, it’s tragic.

Mr. T goes on some more about Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. “But…we, all of us fought together,” Mr. T says what we already know, just to drive the point home that this is REALLY FUCKING SAD AND TRAGIC. “I don’t wanna think of them as dead!” he shrieks. Well, they are. There’s some more wanking about the obvious, such as the fact that a bunch of people died, and Shinra killed all those people because they were trying to get to AVALANCHE, and yes, we get it.

Tita is depressed because she thinks that the whole thing might be their fault. She’s especially upset over that fact that innocent people may have died because of them. Well, yeah, way at the beginning of the game, in fact, but she didn’t seem too upset about it then. “That ain’t it! Hell no!!” Mr. T says calmly. “It ain’t us! It’s the damn Shinra! It’s never been nobody but the Shinra!” I wonder why “Shinra” suddenly warranted a “the” in front of it, but that’s not important right now. “They’re evil and destroyin’ our planet just to…build their power and line their own damn pockets with gold!” Mr. T rambles some more. By this point, even Bitch is bored enough to wander off. Mr. T vows to defeat Shinra, because that’s the only way to save the planet. He’s expecting everyone to rally to his cause, but Bitch clearly doesn’t care, and even Tita is undecided. “I’m not sure about…me. My feelings,” she wanks. Oh, who cares about her damn feelings?

Bitch just ignores Mr. T and keeps walking away. “Oh! Airhead!” Tita suddenly remembers, putting aside her selfishness for a second. Mr. T doesn’t know Airhead, but Tita tells him that she left Marlene with Airhead. This prompts Mr. T to follow Bitch. Finally, Tita goes, too. She’s not too concerned about leaving Airhead with Shinra because she’s competition. On the next screen, Mr. T and Tita catch up to Bitch. Mr. T wants to see Marlene, and Tita wonders apprehensively if Bitch is going to rescue Airhead. “Yeah…But before that, there’s something I want to know,” he says. Because I’m sure he has all the time in the world to satisfy his curiosities before something terrible happens to Airhead. In response to Tita’s question, Bitch replies, “…it’s about the Ancients.” More exposition? In Final Fantasy VII? No!

The screen does its trademark white flash and then goes black. Some lettering appears on the screen that reads, “In my veins courses the blood of the Ancients. I am one of the rightful heirs to this planet!” The screen turns white and then returns us to the scene. “Sephiroth…?” Bitch says randomly. I’m glad that wasn’t confusing or anything.

Bitch falls down. Both Tita and Mr. T are concerned, but a second later, Bitch stands up and the cutscene is over. Talk about abrupt. The party winds their way back through the pile of debris from earlier, fight several incarnations of our favorite monster, the animate house, and end up back in Airhead’s town.

I don’t fuck around — I go straight to Airhead’s house to advance the story. As soon as Bitch barges in, “Airhead’s Theme” begins playing. It’s not the watered down version of the theme that we heard on the previous screen. Inside, Elmyra is standing facing the wall. Without looking, she knows who just walked into her house. Then she turns around and asks, “It’s about Airhead, isn’t it?” Amazing. Here comes the guy who last left with your daughter, and she’s not with him. Freaking brilliant. Bitch informs her that Airhead was kidnapped by Shinra, but Elmyra already knows because they took her from the house. Then why in the heck did she ask about Airhead then? Dumbass.