“I don’t feel good. Let me out…,” Bitch whines. Apparently he got more than he bargained for. At least it’s not this. “You’ll get used to it. Try counting to ten.” My eyes are wide with shock, and two thoughts are running through my mind: “holy freaking shit” and “hey….why couldn’t they have a bath scene with Squall and Seifer?” Bitch starts counting down, rather than….I don’t know, maybe running away. Mukki continues to make small talk while violating Bitch. He asks his age, and when Bitch tells him “twenty-one”, Mukki admits that he’s more than twice that old. He’s old enough to be Bitch’s dad. Ew. There are rhythmic wet sounds through this entire scene, by the way.
It’s important to always remain polite, even when being taken advantage of.
Next, Mukki asks if Bitch wants to join his “Young bubby’s group”. What the freakin’ hell is a bubby anyway? I make Bitch answer “……..” because we all know that he really does want to join the young bubby group. Hell, I think he’s joining it right this second. When Bitch reaches the number six in his countdown, he says, “Not to be rude or anything, but could you go do someone else?” I love how he’s all concerned about manners when he’s being assaulted. Mukki replies, “Well, if that’s how you feel….too bad.” I do believe we call that “nonconsensual”….although I still think Bitch secretly enjoys it. I mean, it’s not like he’s counting to ten all that fast. When he finally finishes — counting to ten, that is — he gets out of the tub. Mukki is sad. “Why don’t you stick around and play a bit?” he wonders. “Daddy’s so lonely….” Now that’s just wrong.
The camera pans up again so that we can’t see any blocky male nudity, and suddenly everyone is out of the tub and dressed. Well, as dressed as they were before. The slutty bee chick is still in the background during this entire scene. Mukki apparently enjoyed his ravishment of Bitch, and gives him “bikini briefs” as a souvenir of their little encounter. I still don’t know whether I’m highly amused or horribly disturbed. I think I want to cry.
Wearing underwear is a good idea, yes.
The muscle men all leave, and Bitch has a short monologue. He makes a comment about the underwear, and reiterates that going through with this plan is the only way he can save Tita. The Bitch doth protest too much, methinks. On his way out of the Honey Bee Inn, he stops by the dressing room where several slutty bees prepare themselves for whoring, and asks them to put some makeup on him. He should take a hint from Squall and just wear the makeup all the time.
Crap, they must be able to see me through the TV screen.
Bitch meets up with Airhead outside, and she’s been spending her time selling flowers at exorbitant prices to horny males. They head back to the Clothing Store for the final fitting. Bitch goes into the dressing room, more RPG stripping sounds ensue, and a young blond woman emerges after a few seconds. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’m not dumb; I know it’s Bitch. He’s wearing a dress in the exact same shade as his normal outfit, and he has braids. Unfortunately, they didn’t put him in hot pants or a slutty miniskirt. That would’ve been funny. The dressmaker is so pleased with how Bitch looks that he decides to go back into business, this time making dresses for men. A noble cause, if ever there was one. Now that Bitch has saved the day, he gets the dress for free.
Hey, that does sound like a transvestite name.
Airhead coaches Bitch on how to walk like a lady, and he tries it. Airhead is so inspired or jealous or turned on that she decides to get a new dress, too. She changes into it. It’s pink and red just like her normal dress. So what’s the point, you wonder? Well, it’s one of the two exceptions to the one-outfit rule in RPGs — a chick changing into a pretty dress. Maybe she was just sick of wearing her regular one day in and day out. It can’t smell too good.
I guess Airhead doesn’t have to pay for her dress, either, because she and Bitch just walk out of the store. They head back to Don Corneo’s mansion, where the guy from before totally checks Bitch out. He doesn’t realize there’s a penis under that skirt. Inside the mansion, some devious-sounding music plays. The guy at the front desk goes to tell Don Corneo that his new bitches have arrived, and warns them not to wander around. So of course that means that they go wandering around. That’s women for you, they never listen to a damn word you say.
*shudder* I don’t even want to know.
Bitch and Airhead find Tita in the dark cellar. In the center of the room is this weird table with the shape of a person drawn on it. It’s fucking creepy. Bitch suddenly chickens out and stands facing away from Tita, too ashamed to look at her. Airhead has to do all the talking. She introduces herself to Tita. Because Airhead is a woman, Tita is immediately jealous of her. Not that Airhead helps things at all by rubbing it in Tita’s face that she was with Bitch in the park. She quickly assures Tita that she and Bitch are not an item. Blah blah passive-aggressive blah blah Tita doesn’t want Bitch either blah blah meow hiss blah blah shut up. Airhead finally spills the beans and reveals that the random blond chick in the corner is Bitch. Tita jumps in the air in surprise after examining him for herself.
Tita asks Bitch why he’s dressed as a woman and if he’s okay after his fall. He explains everything, namely, all the stuff we already know because we saw it happen. I wonder why they didn’t just use the patented “screen goes dark for a few seconds to simulate explanations of events we saw take place”. Right, right — they hate me.
Tita has some explaining of her own to do. It turns out that she didn’t actually come to Wall Market to become a whore. She’s on a mission. Mr. T interrogated some strange guy after the whole Number 5 reactor incident, and it turns out that Don Corneo is somehow involved with some plot. Mr. T didn’t want Tita to go, but she did anyway. She tells Bitch what we learned earlier — Don Corneo is looking for a bride. “Everyday, he gets three girls, chooses one of them, and then…and, well…” Yup, I think we all knows what happens then. They play scrabble. Tita says that she needs to be chosen for that night. Airhead overhears the conversation (even though she’s farther away than she was during Bitch’s conversation that she couldn’t hear in the materia shop) and comes up with the brilliant idea that the three of them should be Don Corneo’s choices for that night, and whoever gets picked gets the information. Bitch tries to be all studly and prevent Airhead from getting involved, but Tita overrides his veto. No, I didn’t mean it to sound sick. She randomly decides she can trust Airhead. Bitch, who’s a little slow, takes a moment to figure out that he is the third girl. Duh.
Some guy yells down the stairs for them to hurry up because the Don is waiting. They go upstairs into his overdecorated office, where the Don’s assistant guy commands them to line up. Don Corneo, a scary fat man with a blond Mohawk, checks all three of them out. Repeatedly. He’s the most interested in Bitch, of course. There’s a big drumroll, and he announces his choice…..it’s Bitch! Surprise! Bitch protests, but the Don just says, “I love chickies who play hard-to-get! Yeowza!” Wow, Don Corneo just makes me all horny. Or not. Don Corneo gives the two actual women to his assistants as if they are nothing more than blow-up dolls, and then he leads Bitch into his bedroom.
Yeah, he doesn’t mind.
In Don Corneo’s bedroom, which looks like a Chinese whorehouse, Bitch stands in the corner as Corneo gets on his hands and knees on the bed. “All right, pussycat…Come to daddy!!” begs the Don. If I never have to see another character refer to himself as “daddy” in a sexual way, I will be the happiest woman in the world. Don Corneo asks if Bitch likes him, to which Bitch replies, “Of course!” I’m so glad the game lets me choose the replies here. “You sure do know how to make a guy feel good!” moans Corneo. Yeah, that’s some real complicated stuff, there. “Then, wh…what do you want to DO?” the Don inquires. “Whatever YOU want, daddy,” Bitch says in a sultry voice (I imagine). Ew. The Don practically gets off right there, but demands a kiss first. Bitch is only too happy to comply. But just as he leans in for a big wet one from Don Corneo, Tita and Airhead burst into the room.
Tita is slightly taken aback at what she sees. Bitch quickly jumps over to stand next to the two women and rips off his dress….to reveal his regular outfit underneath. Corneo is all disgusted, but he didn’t seem to mind Bitch’s hot puckered man lips a few moments earlier. Tita goes into interrogation mode, as the three of them line up by the side of Corneo’s bed. Tita speaks first. “What did your assistants find out? Talk! If you don’t tell us…” “…I’ll chop them off,” Bitch finishes, putting one foot on the edge of Corneo’s bed and leaning forward. The early music prof at my college used to do this same exact pose. It was like a compulsion with him. Every day we would watch to see what the hell he would try to put his foot on next. I think the craziest thing was either the chalkboard tray (he had a bit of trouble with his foot slipping off of it) or the podium (it was just too damn high). But I digress. Corneo starts sobbing like a little girl. He explains that he was ordered to find out where Mr. T (aka “the man with the gun-arm”) was. Tita wants to know who gave him the orders. Don Corneo shrills, “If I told you that, I’d be killed!”
This time, Airhead tells him what will happen if he doesn’t talk. “…I’ll rip them off.” What is this “them” everyone keeps referring to? Oh. Don Corneo is a bit attached to his boys, so he blurts out, “It was Heidegger of Shinra!” I imagine that this news would be a bit more shocking or significant if we knew who the fuck Heidegger was. Oh, Exposition!Don kindly tells us, “Heidegger, the head of Public Safety Maintenance!” Now Tita wants to know what Shinra is up to. She tells Don Corneo what will happen if he doesn’t tell her: “…I’ll smash them.” This terrible verbal threat is enough to make the Don spill it all. “Shinra’s trying to crush a small rebel group called AVALANCHE, and want to infiltrate their hideout. And they’re really going to crush them….literally. By breaking the support holding up the plate above them.” Well, it’s one of the more interesting diabolical plans I’ve seen in an RPG. Tita’s all upset that the Sector 7 slums will be crushed. Yeah, I bet it’s difficult to re-open a bar in that town.
Tita asks Bitch if he’ll go with her to Sector 7, and of course he agrees. I guess Airhead is going along, too. But before they reach the door, the Don has a nasty surprise for them. Yup, there’s a fucking trap door, and Bitch, Tita, and Airhead fall down into darkness.
The next scene takes place in what must be the Shinra building. Ominous music plays as a fat guy in a green suit approaches the massive desk of the President. They discuss the “plans”, and I’m guessing those are the plans we just heard about. The fat guy is Heidegger, and he tells President Shinra that he assigned the Turks to Operation Pancake. A guy named Reeve objects to the plan, because it’s bad and all that. He gets ridiculed. “But, as head of the Urban Development Department, I have been involved in the building and running of Midgar. That’s why…” Reeve tries to explain. There’s some more evil corporate bullshit, with Reeve trying to be the voice of reason. That’s the gist of the entire scene. President Shinra suggests that Reeve take a vacation, and after Reeve leaves the room, PS starts talking to himself. “We’ll destroy Sector 7 and report that AVALANCHE did it. Then we’ll send in the rescue operation care of Shinra, Inc….” I will call these evil plan-revealing monologues Sekhmets from this point on, after the dark warlord from Ronin Warriors/Samurai Troopers who always announced his damn plans. Incessantly. To himself. He ruled.
The scene ends and we rejoin our heroes in a sewer that has porno music in the background. Since it’s been a while since the last boss fight, the game designers threw one in here. The monster is some big ugly thing with horns. I guess it’s Corneo’s pet because it’s chained up. The sad part is, its Sewer Tsunami attack does damage to it as well as to the party. Basically, it kills itself. Most pathetic fight ever.
After the fight, Tita’s all depressed about all her friends who will die. But Airhead reminds her that they are in an RPG, and thus, have all the time in the world. This cheers Tita up. So they travel through the sewers to fight random battles, and end up at a ladder leading up to a train graveyard. Outside the sewers, as hopeless music plays in the background, Tita apologizes to Airhead for getting her involved. Of course Airhead doesn’t mind. Well, not yet.
The naughty stuff is over, so I think that’s as good a point as any to wrap up this recap. Now that you’ve seen just what kind of perversion lurks in the hearts of video game designers, you may need to go and take a hot shower to wash the dirt from your soul (or a cold shower, if that stuff gets you going).