If you’re looking for a buttfucking good time, check out Sam’s latest Suikoden III recap. Well, I’m not sure Sam had such a good time considering who she was recapping, but that usually means a good time for the rest of us. Sorry, Sam!
Suikoden III Part 12
10.26.13
Fuck yeah! Suikoden! Actually, thanks to the recaps for the first two games, I’m in a Suikoden mood these days and am currently plowing through the first game… mainly to get to the second. Although it is fun to mess around with… err, screw with… experiment wi- fuck it, it’s fun to have sex with different party formations. Like Gremio behind my Young Master, “…UGH!!”, whose name has provided great amusement thus far. (As has the name of Butthole Castle.)
Also, I’m now reminded of how fucked-up that whole CSI Duck Village episode was. I actually wanted it to be a satanic suicide ritual. That would’ve been hilarious and amazing.
Ah, I was hoping the next recap would be for one of the Suikoden games! Let me tell you, I have been waiting a long time for that “Buttfuck! Buttfuck!! Buttfuck!!!” screencap.
I can’t find anything to nitpick right now. You are so very disappointed.
Buttfuck!!!
Congrats for managing to produce such an entertaining recap from something so dull. Holy shit, I’d forgotten just how boring Thomas’s chapters are.
Special mention goes to “Chris’s white Mare Sue”, which made me laugh more than it probably should have.
Whenever I play Suikoden III, I like to get Thomas’s chapters out of the way as quickly as possible. And on the upside, I get to have my castle named that much sooner.
I didn’t catch that! Good eye. Whether it was a typo or intentional, it was still a laugh and a half.
I am in awe! Awesome, awesome recap of perhaps the least active set of scenes in Suiko history. Well done!
I was going to write how surprised I was that you were able to write nearly two (HTML) pages worth of stuff about dead duck yoga man, but then I remembered how skilled both you and Jeanne are at writing 500 pages worth of stuff about two gay lawyers pointing their fingers at each other.
Anyways, here was one part I really enjoyed in the recap. Again, really hard to choose just one, but this was the one I settled on:
“Anyway, the two knights are here on behalf of the Zexen Expositor General. Bubba brings them news of ‘Councilor Durabum,’ which is, I believe, the first time we’ve heard the name of Babyface Official. Also, Durabum? The Councilor with the butt that won’t quit? With that name, no wonder he’s such a jerk–it’s a defense mechanism.”
Durabum. HEEEEEEE!
The Mare Sue thing was intentional.
And frankly, I surprised myself with how much I wrote about the duck “murder.” Like, it turned into a mini-Anal Attorney ordeal so I automatically went into “describe every goddamn thing about this” mode.
Well, look on the bright side: You know Hugo will just be DYING to try out the “gnarled root” position with a few of the more comely allies at Buttfuck Castle.
Also, in honor of the wonderful Suikoden recaps on this site, I’d like to share with you this little moment from my current playthrough of Suikoden… I think it explains why Flik’s much more relaxed in the second game:
http://i39.tinypic.com/2prdb2v.jpg
Scandalous! What would Nina say?!
I laughed really, really hard at that.
Given the…”inclinations” of the vast majority of Suikoden males, PUGGY!!! probably has much more experience with that than Odessa.
And if teenage girls in the Suikoden world are anything like teenage girls in the real world, then upon finding out, Nina would probably race to her computer to type up a steamy fanfic.
I just wonder when she’ll start plotting to murder her perceived competition. It’s hard to tell if she’d be typing one-handed because she’s masturbating, slitting her wrists, or going all “I’ll take a potato chip… and EAT IT!” with the other hand.
(Could Bear even stop a rampaging Nina?)
Also, because I’m on a Suikoden II roll, I found this amusing gem from the list of Fukui-san’s intro quotes pulled from Suikosource:
“To call this guy a bookworm would be a disservice to worms! But seriously, he’s a fish lover and a scholar. It’s Marlowe!!!”
Ha! Even the game hates Marlowe! Lilly didn’t seem to, but she grew up to be a fucking pill on wheels, so her judgement can’t be trusted. (But god, she’s fun. Hugo probably would leave her to be eaten by Fubie if he could, but she’s a blast.)
Given how the photo shows PUGGY!!! as the one in an incriminating position with Flik, she’d probably go after him first, rather than Bear. And if he ever feels himself in any real danger, he could just use the Soul Eater on her ass. Even if she qualifies as a boss (and therefore being immune to instant death), Judgement is still a pretty badass spell.
And I don’t think Hugo would do that. Somehow I feel that eating Lilly would probably give poor Fubie the runs.
Speaking of the runs, more payoff for my naming of Butthole Castle:
http://i43.tinypic.com/spc5j9.jpg
I guess dragons just don’t emit that fresh Butthole breeze Flik so craves.
Good job Flik. Just say that you think dragons stink right in front of the Dragon Knights you’ve worked so hard to get on your side.
And why is Joshua, the head of the Dragon Knights, the only Star of Destiny that doesn’t take up residence in your castle after being recruited? Is he trying to say that PUGGY!!!’s castle isn’t good enough for him? What does his puny, two-story fort have that PUGGY!!!’s massive, five-story palace with three side towers doesn’t? Besides a free inn?
I think Joshua is the rare Suikoden male who prefers the smell of dragons to the smell of Butthole (or Penis, in PUGGY!!!’s case).
PUGGY!!! was probably so spooked by the mere thought that he was more than happy to let Joshua stay home.
(That and perhaps Joshua needed to be near the dragons/the fort to protect it and such, but those are minor details.)
Must be a side-effect of that True Dragon Rune of his.
And now that I think about it, wasn’t Joshua’s castle actually furnished? PUGGY!!!’s castle has some beds and bookshelfs, but little else. Plus, it actually looks like a castle, whereas Chateau PUGGY!!!, from the outside, just looks like an exceptionally phallic rock formation. Joshua’s castle may not be as big or as penisy as PUGGY’s castle, but those are some factors to consider.
Instead of sitting on his little terrace and sipping tea all day, why couldn’t Milich have done some redecorating in the main shaft?
Caeser! The only gary stu we all agree is too fahbulous to hate (geez, he’s purty, I <3's all over him; excellent taste Sam). Awesome recap. I barely remember playing this part in the game, but you made it so much more entertaining than it obviously wasn't that I fell in love all over again. I really appreciate how your recaps let me see all these games from new, snarkier perspectives. I get to enjoy Suikoden 3 all over again without the
obsessive compulsive perfectionismtedium of playing it myself.