Or not. See, there are a couple of other things I can do right now, and both of them sound infinitely more appealing than what will undoubtedly turn out to be yet another irritating dungeon with the accompanying irritating cutscenes. First on the agenda is the first stage of the sidequest I alluded to last time involving Martina, the little girl from Claiborne’s saloon who was left in the care of her wicked stepmother aunt when her parents went off gallivanting across Feelgayer. The guide I’m using tells me she can be found at Westwood, the train station serving Claiborne and the surrounding area. Finding the station should be a doddle, right? I mean, all I need to do is look around the train tracks outside Claiborne, and plus, I’ve already been there once. It’s not like all those dungeons I have to spend hours spamming the radar to find.
Precisely 18 minutes and a second later, Vagina and crew finally enter Westwood, their horses having long since died of exhaustion. Who knew the optimal place to build a train station is not, in fact, next to the tracks, but several miles away in the middle of the wasteland? Whoever made this design decision needs a PENIS to the face. And not in a good way. Surprisingly, Martina’s train still hasn’t arrived, and she’s still standing on the platform with her satchel, looking for all the world like she got lost on her way to Platform 9 3/4. She claims she isn’t running away to escape from Miss Gulch — lord, no — but just wants to see her parents again. That’s an impressive lying ability for someone her age. I’m waiting for Vagina or one of the others to say something in response, but no — that’s it for this leg of the sidequest. Jesus, I wish every conversation in this game took such a minimalist approach.
‘She didn’t beat me or make me sleep in the cellar! Oh, not that my auntie did that either. She’s a kind and loving woman! Really.’
Leaving the defenceless little girl to venture out into the wilderness by herself, the party heads over to the ticket desk. As luck would have it, they’re in the right place to start the other sidequest currently on their To Do list, and this one might actually yield some kind of reward. First on the agenda is to catch a train back to Midland Station and the first section of the World Map — this is the easy part. Next, the party must use their horses to access a hitherto-unexplored area not too far from the Baskar Colony. One problem: this area happens to be on the other side of a large fissure, similar to the one between Claiborne and Titty Twister. I just adore Media.Vision right now.
I shouldn’t complain, as this jump only takes me half as long as the last one did. This new area is home to a large withered forest, because life in Feelgayer is DYING, in case you’d forgotten. I know it’s hardly been mentioned. But, much like the existence of Sasha Banks in WWE, there is one small light of hope in this stagnant and barren world. On the far side of the dead forest is a small house with…a garden full of flowers! The young girl tending the flowers leaps out of her skin when the party comes trampling into “The Secret Garden,” and remains silent despite Vagina’s attempt to engage her in conversation. Having endured far more conversations between these dipshits than I ever wanted or needed to, I think she’s making a wise choice here. What with her strawberry-blonde hair, mittens, and the headwear folded in such a way that it resembles large floppy ears, Flower Girl is clearly an expy of a certain character from the first game…who I haven’t yet met at this point in the recaps. As you can tell, I always make sure to plan my recapping schedule meticulously. Since referencing said character would be pointless right now, let’s all move on and pretend I never said anything! Wheee!
After some more prodding (not like that), Flower Girl, whose name is Florina, finally speaks. Speaking into her cupped hands like she’s telling her imaginary friend a secret, she whispers that her flowers are crying. No, really, she actually says that. According to the Plant Whisperer here, “corrupt soil” to the north is threatening to kill off the flowers. “You can’t tell by looking at it, but the flowers told me so,” she says matter-of-factly. To his credit, Gallows manages to avoid telling her he thought the flowers were plastic, but everyone just kind of accepts what Florina’s telling them. Such questions as, “How were you able to cultivate all this flora in a world where nothing grows?”, “How exactly do the flowers talk to you?” and, “Have you taken your meds today?” remain unasked. This is why I don’t write for videogames.
Clive’s all for helping Florina out by investigating this “corrupt soil” — I’m headcanoning that this is because Moustache Man passed on his apparent dirt obsession as well as his notes — but Jet, as ever, only cares about the reward on offer. But on this occasion, I’m actually glad he asked: Florina steps forward and presses 10 (ten) (THAT’S RIGHT, FUCKING TEN) Heal Berries into his palm.
OHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH.
Your flowers are pretty shitty judges of character.
…I’m sorry. But in a game where healing items can’t be bought, this is kind of a big deal. And of course, the implication here is that Florina actually grows these things. I don’t even care how anymore, just give them to me. The entire crop, if you don’t mind. Obviously, everyone in the group is raring to go help her now that they know there’s a potentially infinite stock of Heal Berries at stake. Hell, maybe Florina can also grow all the other “medicinal” consumables, and they won’t have to keep tracking down that dick Roykman whenever they need a fix. It’s a win-win.
The source of the corrupt soil, a dungeon called the “Decaying Labyrinth,” lies on the other side of the forest. When the group engages in a random battle two steps inside the door and almost gets wiped out, it suddenly occurs to me that I’m not really supposed to be attempting this quest just yet. But we’ve come too far to turn back. These brave Drifters have been promised a bountiful supply of pot to help them unwind after a long day of redundant chit-chat, and if they continue onward with this in mind, they’ll emerge victorious. They must!
Aside from the potentially deadly random battle mooks, the dungeon actually isn’t all that bad; there are a few block-pushing puzzles, sure, but no riddles of the brain-mashing caliber found in the Unclean Mark or Lunatic Garden. There are, however, a veritable buttload of narrow, twisting walkways suspended over vast pits of nothingness. Even these are traversed with ease, providing Vagina takes her time and treads carefully. You’d think that if the evil architect who designed this place was going to include these pitfalls, he or she would also implement something that would make intruders rush through the place and be more likely to fall into one of the pits. Honestly, devious dungeon designers just aren’t up to scratch these days.
The deepest chamber of the ruins contains a very important-looking chest at the top of a flight of stairs, but the party can’t just nab its contents and be on their merry way. No, we’re contractually obliged to fight a boss first. Fuck this game. The Phantom Text God describes a foul smell emanating from the crack (no comment), and then this miasma “transforms into a human shape.” Hey, I’m just repeating the PTG. Don’t ask me how it happens. The latest filler boss, the Ring Keeper, looks more like a half-decomposed troll than a human, but who care about semantics? The important thing is that he’s the head honcho of a dungeon full of (at this point) overpowered monsters, so it’s safe to say I only manage to scrape through this battle by the skin of my teeth. Whose idea was it to tackle this sidequest so soon again?
Afterwards, Vagina wipes the splattered pieces of rotting troll flesh off her dress and opens the chest to see what exactly that foul beast was guarding. Before she can take a closer look, the Phantom Item Describer pushes the Phantom Text God aside and starts excitedly babbling: “The Corpse Ring glitters as it eats away the surrounding dirt, rock, and all life-form in its vicinity.” And yet the chest it was contained in wasn’t affected at all – how peculiar. Also, I know I’m shocked that something called the Ring Keeper was protecting a ring.
But apart from that, there are no drawbacks at all! Enjoy your new bling!
Of course, the most obvious (and for once, correct) assumption is that this Corpse Ring is the source of the foul soil affecting Florina’s poor widdle flowers. But how to destroy it? The PID has the answer, but as always, there’s a catch. And boy, this one is really a catch. You see, the ring can only be destroyed by exposure to sunlight, which means removing it from the ruins. But here’s the kicker, courtesy of the gloating PID: “Acquiring the Corpse Ring will curse all party members by reducing their HP to one and their VIT gauge to zero.” You know earlier when I said, “Fuck this game?” Well, fuck it some more. With an unlubed porcupine dildo.
Oh, wait, you mean we’re not finished? “It will be impossible to remove the curse as long as you are in the ruins,” the PID continues, twisting the knife with each word. “Furthermore, you will not be able to save your game onto a Memory Card (PS2) using a Gimel Coin.” Are we done? Or is the next text box going to read, “Also, the controls will now be reversed, the dungeon will be plunged into total darkness, each party member’s PENIS will shoot blanks in 99.9% of attacks, and merely holding the controller will give you cancer?” Seriously, FUCK. THIS. GAME. Technically, I do have the option to leave the ring where it is and not have to contend with all those bullshit handicaps, but that would both defeat the whole purpose of coming here AND severely restrict the party’s access to pot healing items for the rest of the game. And as much as they annoy me, I just can’t do that to them, you know?
I hate to leave this recap on such a thrilling cliffhanger, but I’m sure you all understand why I can’t continue without first imbibing industrial quantities of alcohol. Will the party manage to escape the Decaying Labyrinth and make it back to The Secret Marijuana Farm? And more importantly, will I make it back there without having to pop a Valium or two? You can bet Anus will make yet another appearance as well, so I’ll try not to make you wait too long. I swear, Part 5 will be finished before The Winds of Winter. See you then!