Titty Twister itself is exactly how one might expect a town on the Wrong Side of the Chasm to look; a Dust Bowl cluster of wooden shacks and corrugated iron huts, filled with slightly shifty NPCs who would probably all be chewing tobacco if the graphics were able to convey it. Sans horses — who are hopefully now on their way to the nearest farm glue factory — the group begins to soak up the quaintly seedy atmosphere, only to be accosted by an exposition-blabbing dude within seconds. How rude. This guy is telling anyone who’ll listen about the beautiful “belle” he saw in town the other day. “She was wearing some kind of flashy, fluttery cloth,” he reveals, and I’m sure that very specific clothing detail isn’t supposed to dovetail with the appearance of someone we’ve recently been introduced to. “She was really beautiful, like some kind of heavenly maiden or something,” he continues, making me roll my eyes so hard I think I may have done permanent damage to myself. OK, so we’re all agreed he’s talking about Robed Woman, and also that the game designers are laying it on thick with the whole “She’s hot” thing? Not that it’ll stop them anytime soon.
Now he’s started, he just can’t stop moidering about this hot chick who was totally into him, guys. Bemoaning the fact that none of his friends believe him and think he’s just been drinking too much — and why am I not surprised this dude has an alchohol dependency — he goes on, “Yeah, it’s all coming back to me now…I met this girl the night before Claudia disappeared.” I know you’re all itching to find out who this Claudia is, and indeed, why she’s apparently gone missing. We’ll find out soon, I promise, but in the meantime, there’s the rest of this charming hamlet to explore!
In this respectable place? Can’t imagine why!
Outside one of the larger wooden shacks, the group finds Roykman the Travelling Drug Dealer, who remarks that his wares are selling like hot cakes in this town. Maybe that’s why everyone here seems remarkably chill despite their less than salubrious surroundings? Across the thoroughfare, a cowboy who looks all of 12 drops the bombshell that Titty Twister is Anus’s hometown. “Of course, I plan to surpass him one day,” he casually mentions. Wait, do you mean you’re aspiring to become an even bigger drama queen? Or just more of an insufferable windbag? Neither option seems remotely feasible here. I guess this little tidbit is just a vestige of the tragic backstory the game designers ultimately decided wasn’t important enough to include in the game (pfft, who needs a villain with a backstory? He has blue hair and uses a bayonet! That’ll do!), but Anus being born in this shithole probably explains a lot. I imagine he upped sticks and set out for the wilderness as soon as he realised none of the wasters in town were going to live up to the hot, rugged cowboys in his fantasies. Maybe Dario and Romero were a more calculated choice of “travelling companions” than I originally thought.
Most of the buildings in town are boarded up, which means the Drifters get to save some time; rather than having to transition to other screens in order to chat up the NPCs, most of the information pez dispensers are milling around in the patch of dirt I assume serves as the town square. Another rough-around-the-edges-and-everywhere-else-too guy namedrops the missing Claudia, revealing that she works in the local saloon and that — wait for it — she’s stunningly beautiful. Of course she is. Vagina’s increasingly anxious to meet this woman, despite telling herself she only has eyes for Maya. “Everyone from around here are head over heels for her. But I don’t think it’s a guy who kidnapped her,” he continues, going on to speculate that some other woman must have become jealous of her beauty and abducted her for…reasons. Because that’s obviously an expected and rational thing to do.
Before I continue, let’s recap what we currently know about the hot topic in this town:
1. Claudia the saloon girl has mysteriously vanished.
2. The current (admittedly baseless) speculation is that she was kidnapped by another woman.
3. This seems to be a town full of men, and the only other woman who’s even been mentioned is a stranger who came to town around the time Claudia disappeared.
I’m sure there must be some kind of connection here, but I’m stumped for now. Maybe all will become clear if I sit and think about this for a while. Alternatively, I could just wait for the game to drop a few more anvils, because you can bet your life it’s going to happen.
In the meantime, there are only two other buildings to explore. One of them is the Sheriff’s Office, which is unsurprisingly empty, leaving only the local watering hole. Entering the “Honey of Roses” saloon — and with a name like that, I’d stake my life on it also being a brothel — Vagina comes face to face with the only other female in the entire town, Angela the saloon owner. Eagerly seizing the opportunity to whine to a group of people who aren’t sick of listening to her woes, she complains that her barmaid hasn’t shown up for work in days. Stop the presses — another saloon employee has gone missing? Clearly this is the work of a serial kidnapper, who must be found and brought to justice without delay.
500 notes? At this point, I’d happily drink the drain cleaner.
Of course, she’s talking about Claudia. When Vagina presses her for details, she feigns a sudden onset of memory loss, which abates as soon as Vagina asks for a glass of the most expensive vintage. Convenient, that. “There’s been an untouched ruin recently discovered,” Angela explains (are there any other kind in this game?). “Many Drifters have gone inside, but haven’t come back…” So far, so monotonous. But this run-of-the-mill tip-off leads to something unexpected — a fade out. When we return, the Drifters are in the midst of their favourite activity: sitting around a saloon table and talking endlessly. Sigh.
“Hmmm…I think it might be too dangerous…” Vagina starts us off. Wait, you mean exploring this ruin might result in one or more of your deaths? Awesome — knock yourselves out. But Jet doesn’t feel that rescuing a missing person is quite mercenary enough, and claims they’re not here to meddle in other people’s affairs. Does this cockwomble even know which genre he’s starring in? I mean, RPGs are essentially Meddling in Other People’s Affairs Simulators. Clive gently reminds him that ancient ruins and ancient artifacts tend to go hand in hand (which means MONEY, Jet), causing Vagina to sigh romantically about “getting in touch with the memories of the world.” What is even happening here? I know we got dropped into this scene halfway through the ever-scintillating discussion, but I’m thinking there was something stronger than alcohol in that bottle Vagina opted for.
“Memories this, memories that…I have no interest in something so worthless…” Jet sulks. Thanks again for your valued contribution! Vagina loses her shit, screaming, “Fond memories are priceless! I’m sure you have some fond memories tucked away inside your heart as well!” I know I have fond memories of putting this game back on the shelf every time I finish a recording session. Jet fires back by dramatically revealing that NO, ACTUALLY, HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY MEMORIES, FOND OR OTHERWISE. Great — now we can officially add amnesia to his already expansive list of bad qualities. He tells the others that he literally has no recollection of his life before becoming a Drifter — his age, birthplace, and background are all a mystery. As Vagina, Clive and Gallows sit in shocked silence, he continues that Jet isn’t even his real name; apparently some dude who taught him how to survive in the wasteland also named him.
I would like to take the opportunity to remind everyone that this mystery benefactor — who I’m sure we’re NEVER going to meet — consciously chose the name Jet Enduro. Whoever he is, he clearly isn’t playing with a full deck. Unless he deliberately gave Jet the worst name he could possibly think up in revenge for him being such a douchenozzle, in which case I’m officially his biggest fan. Sure, there’s the whole “He taught Jet how to survive, instead of leaving the hateful little shit to die” thing, but I can overlook that.
Must not make a Vagina x Maya joke…
“Amnesia, is it?” Clive interrupts (in what I’m headcanoning is a fantastically weary, dismissive tone), stopping Jet’s pity party in its tracks. Jet replies that it doesn’t matter. “I mean, think about it. Do you remember what you were doing a week ago?” he asks. That’s easy — I was replaying Dragon Age: Inquisition, romancing the hot piece of Tevinter ass known as Dorian Pavus with my fabulous, snarky Dwarf Inquisitor. Oh, wait, he was talking to Clive. Never mind. For the love of Christ, he’s still going, insisting that he doesn’t need memories to get by in life. Because he has MONEY, and that’s the only thing he needs!! When he finally pauses for breath, Vagina’s all, “I’m sorry…I think I touched a nerve…” You think? The chip on his shoulder is practically blotting out the sun streaming through the windows. Jet takes her apology as well as you’d think, screeching, “I don’t need your sympathy, okay!?” Nobody understaaaaands!
I know it hardly seems possible, but the scene gets even worse. Remembering she’s the heroine of this debacle, Vagina claps like a seal and declares happily that she has a new objective — she’s going to help Jet find his memories! How she plans to achieve this, I have no idea, and I’m not sure I want one, especially if it means we’re going to be treated to numerous “heartwarming” scenes of the two of them bonding. There are only so many receptacles in the house for me to throw up in. In fairness to Vagina, she honestly has no need or obligation to help Jet like this, especially given how much of a dick he’s been towards her thus far. But I guess when you’re the bastion of goodness that is an RPG protagonist, you even have to do nice things for people who deserve a kick to the ‘nads.
Of course, Jet tries to protest her plan, but Gallows somehow persuades him to can it. Clive, still sassing for all he’s worth, turns to Vagina and asks, “Do you have any leads to find out about his memories?” Don’t be silly, Clive — she hasn’t asked a single NPC about it yet! “Do you have leads when you search for memories of [Feelgayer]?” Vagina retorts. I’m pretty much just seeing miaows and hisses filling the text boxes at this point. Thankfully, Vagina wraps things up by reasoning that they’re not going to make any progress just sitting around and shading one another. Always knew there was a reason I liked her.
Apparently, the quest to find Jet’s memories (I’m still trying to work out how this whole thing’s going to work…is Vagina expecting to find them stashed in a treasure chest in a random ruin?) is on the backburner for now, as we’re headed to the dungeon Claudia was allegedly taken to. In what can only be viewed as a minor miracle, I find said ruin within seconds, and without managing to run the party’s dumbass horses off a cliff in the process. Once inside “The Unclean Mark” — seriously, why not just call this place “The Semen Stain” and be done with it — the group finds Claudia literally one room away from the entrance. This should be Huge, Fucking Obvious Clue #1 That Something Ain’t Right, but you have to remember who we’re dealing with here.
Girl, I think your gaydar needs new batteries.
“Oh, valiant Drifters…would you please lend me a hand?” Claudia gasps. Apparently, she can’t quite decide whether she’s in a quasi-Western or an Arthurian romance. She tells her would-be rescuers that an ancient artifact lies deeper inside the ruins, and wonders if they’ll lead the way. “Anything to help a lady in need, miss!” Big Dumb Gallows immediately responds, not finding anything remotely suspicious about an unarmed saloon wench supposedly venturing into a monster-infested ruin on a solo treasure hunt. I can’t really fault him alone, though, as none of the others seem to think anything’s amiss either. Vagina, of all people, is the only one to raise an objection, and that’s only because she isn’t sure they can handle the mission. Hearing this, Gallows is all, “OK, you’ve got a point, but we all like to help out people in need, right? RIGHT!?” Calm down, dude. Vagina, bless her naive and innocent heart, thinks Gallows is so eager to help because he has a soft spot for Claudia. I’m just going to assume she’s been too focused on Maya and/or thinking up new bird metaphors to see what’s really going on.
As Gallows continues to insist they should help Claudia out, she ignores him completely and sashays up to Clive. It’s quite impressive to go straight from barking up one wrong tree to barking up another. Before she can start any futile flirting with him, Clive demands more specific information about her request. She bullshits that the ruins are “alive” and that the artifact within is rumoured to be so ancient that it was created by demons. Wait, would that be “demons” or “Demons?” Just wondering. Still trying her best to sell her not at all suspicious request, she claims that the artifact is far too powerful to fall into the wrong hands, and therefore wants a group of “strong Drifters” to destroy it. Sure thing — these guys will let you know if they find any.