Wild ARMs 3
Part 1
"The wank beneath my wings."
The recipe for this delicious cocktail of crack is as follows: One mysterious relic. One train. Four unrelated Drifters. A metric fuckton of avian metaphors, and a whole bunch of PENISes. Mix well and serve with a dash of recapper insanity, and voila — Wild ARMs 3, Part 1! **WARNING** Contains alcohol, much like me while writing it.
Part 2
"Annoying people stand around and talk annoyingly about annoying things."
I’ll warn you guys now — nothing much happens in this recap. Aside from facing the all-powerful Guardians in combat, whipping them like bitches and claiming their power, the characters just engage in increasingly-lengthy verbal exchanges wherein they debate the pros and cons of officially becoming a team. Yes, it’s absolutely thrilling. Those of you who haven’t been scared off, enjoy!
Part 3
"Schlongs, dongs, and things inspired by bongs"
On their quest for the Eternal Sparkle, Vagina and her friends meet another group of rival Drifters, explore some breathtakingly dull ruins, and fight Anus about a million times. Many speeches are made and PENISes fired. Fittingly, the climax of the chase takes place atop a huge cock. If that doesn’t make you want to read on, nothing will.
Part 4
"A town on the wrong side of the tracks…and a recapper on the wrong side of a bottle. Bet you didn’t see THAT coming."
Poor Vagina is at a loose end following the departure of her lesbian rival-slash-paramour. So what better way to take her mind off of things than joining her boy pals for an infuriating ride on the worst-handling videogame horses ever conceived, followed by a sojourn in a seedy backwater? These are a shocking, twist-filled couple of hours, so long as you consider comically obvious traps and the reappearance of a villain we already know isn’t really dead to be surprising in any way. Let’s just play along! It’ll be fun!