“So in other words, you would like us to investigate these ruins and find this powerful artifact,” Clive unnecessarily mansplains. Fuck, Clive, I thought you were better than this. He clarifies that if they should find the artifact, it’s theirs to do with as they please. Which isn’t what Claudia said at all, but she doesn’t correct him, so who the fuck even knows. Showing that my faith in him wasn’t completely misplaced, he does remark that this is an unusual request, but Gallows quickly browbeats him into submission with his increasingly irritating “WE HELP PEOPLE IN NEED!” shtick. Sensing his apprehension, Vagina suggests that if other Drifters really have gone missing in here, then it might be worth investigating.

Since Claudia seems familiar with the ruins — again, nothing suspicious there — Vagina asks her to lead the way, and then everyone, Claudia included, stow themselves away under her dress. To access the next room, Clive must (for some reason) set bombs to explode next to a square arrangement of pointy crystalline buttplugs, all at the same time. I’m thankful to the ever benevolent game designers for placing such a simple puzzle at the entrance to this dungeon. I mean, it’d be practically impossible for someone not to succeed on their first try.

Vagina is SO going to steal this for Maya’s Valentine’s Day gift.

By the time the group enters the adjoining room, I’m several decades older and have almost forgotten why they came here in the first place. Luckily, I still remember that Lubricators open magically sealed doors, so Clive stabs one and then procures several shinies from the chests hidden inside. The next room contains no treasure, but instead houses the most obvious setup for a trap in history. Seriously, there’s a bottomless pit being spanned by a narrow walkway, at the end of which sits a not at all suspiciously placed lever. And halfway down the walkway are two enormous, battering ram-esque pistons, just waiting to swing into action and turn anyone dumb enough to try and use the lever into paste. Yet nobody in the party thinks anything about this setup is suspect at all — even the three guys who are supposedly seasoned Drifters. Sure, I can buy a greenhorn like Vagina not noticing the huge danger signs, but am I supposed to believe someone as experienced and intelligent as Clive wouldn’t pick up on how suspicious this whole thing is?

The World’s Most Obvious Traps, Part 1…

It gets even more hilarious. Resigning myself to the fact that the game designers won’t let me continue without springing their incredibly subtle trap, I reluctantly play along and have Jet step onto the walkway. Hey, if one of these idiots needs to take a hit, it might as well be him. But once he’s in prime position to be pulverised, Claudia pops out of his rectal cavity and offers to pull the lever for him, insisting that she just wants to help. “Ah can’t subject you all to a precarious situation…” she says with the utmost sincerity. No, please do. Before Jet can protest, she flips the lever, opening the locked door at the far end of the room, and also — SURPRISE — setting off the trap nobody had noticed. Unfortunately, Jet steps out of the way of the phallic battering ram mere seconds before it can crush him into powder. Why can’t I ever have nice things?

Seeing that Jet has managed to evade her trap — sorry, I mean the trap she was clearly unaware of and which had absolutely nothing to do with her — Claudia flips her hair and puts on a half-arsed, “Oh, how frightening!” act. She slips back into the folds of Clive’s trenchcoat and the group continues on as if nothing happened. OK, that’s it — even a team of powerlifters couldn’t suspend my disbelief any longer. This entire scenario is patently ridiculous. I know that’s nothing new, but this isn’t just straddling the line between the plausible and the absurd; it’s pole-vaulting over the line while wearing a clown suit and blowing a vuvuzela. Why isn’t anyone wondering why a seemingly defenceless civilian woman wandered into a dangerous ruin by herself? Why haven’t they asked Claudia how she got here, given that they were initially led to believe she’d been kidnapped? Why doesn’t anyone think it’s odd that she seems so familiar with the ruins? Why hasn’t anyone asked her about the other Drifters who apparently ventured here and never came back out? Why did nobody notice the trap hidden in plain sight, and the fact that she pretty much led them right into it? Are we really meant to believe that none of them have noticed anything suspicious at all? And no, I’m not excusing Clive from this, since he did initially voice his concerns but went right along with the “mission” anyway.

These people are all fucking idiots. I’m surprised they can even reload their PENISes without blasting themselves in the face.

The World’s Most Obvious Traps, Part 2…

Anyway, everyone continues to ignore the herd of elephants in the room, progressing into the next fun-filled room. This time, all that’s required is for Jet to chuck his boomerang to trip a ball switch and open the corresponding door. Boring. The following room consists of another narrow catwalk (this one with a conspicuous floor switch set into it) and a fabulous blue and neon purple pool of an unidentified, but probably highly toxic, liquid directly underneath. What do you mean, “This looks like another trap?” Surely you must be mistaken. Look, Claudia’s even offering to go first, so this situation can’t possibly be dangerous or at all suspicious. When she carelessly and accidentally walks over the switch, the floor starts to collapse under the feet of the Drifters, but they have plenty of time to reach the other side before falling into the radioactive gloop below. Phew! I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m sure glad these completely unexpected traps aren’t all that effective at doing their intended job.

Seeing her plan thwarted for a second time Concerned that her companions have once again narrowly escaped death, Claudia gasps, “Ah panicked and made a run for it…thank goodness y’all seem all right.” I don’t know if Feelgayer has an equivalent to the Academy Awards, but if they do, her name’s being inscribed on the “Best Actress” award as we speak. The next few rooms are filled with various non-trap related puzzles, including a reprise of the pointy crystal buttplugs from earlier…except there are now eight instead of four. Fortunately, having to bomb double the number of crystals doesn’t take much more effort than before, and since I had no trouble whatsoever the first time around, getting out of this room is a breeze.

…Let’s move on and never speak of bombs, locked doors or crystalline buttplugs again. What feels like several dozen rooms later, Claudia claims that they’re almost there. Clearly this implies that she’s at least been this far into the ruins before, which should therefore indicate that she already knew about the traps. None of the others pick up on this, because they’re still morons. Also, if Claudia has indeed been to the very heart of this place before, I’m wondering how the hell she managed to get past all the puzzles requiring Tools specifically possessed by the main characters. While I’m pondering this, she once again extricates herself from one of the male characters’ nether regions and goes on ahead. If any of the party were halfway competent at pattern recognition, they’d be prepared for what comes next. Naturally, poor Clive isn’t expecting the rows of spears that shoot out of the walls and turn him into a cel-shaded shish kebab. OK, I have to give Claudia this one; this trap wasn’t blatantly visible, nor did it have any obvious tells. Maybe she’s finally getting the hang of this shit, but it’s too little, too late — the next room is the setting for our dramatic confrontation. Whoops, spoiler!

Dildo!

When the team finally makes it through the door, Claudia’s already waiting for them, standing very pointedly next to a wall recess containing something that looks very much like a neon green dildo. So that’s why she was so eager to get here. “What a beautiful gem…” she rhapsodizes over the object. “Beauty is the power that dominates all…Everything must be made beautiful, or else it is meaningless…” Okay, someone has issues. Clive, the person who drew the short straw by approaching her, visibly backs away as she seductively purrs, “Now, take the gem in your hands. Revel in its beauty and feel the pleasure of subjugation…” What the fuck? If “gem” is code for “dildo”, all I can take from this exchange is that Claudia wants to somehow attain beauty by subjugating him with said dong. This kinky new side she’s showing paints the trap obsession in a somewhat different light.

Not doing the sensible thing and running for his life, Clive instead chooses to grasp the glowing dildo in his hand. These people ask for everything they get. Sure enough, as soon as he turns his back, the alcove that previously housed the dildo opens up to reveal an eye-like contraption which blasts him with a bolt of electricity. By my reckoning, that makes four traps that Claudia has blithely led the party into. I’m not sure which number Huge, Fucking Obvious Clue That Something Ain’t Right we’re at — I think I lost count several hours ago — but we’re way, WAY past the point at which someone should have realised they’re being played for fools. Thankfully, that’s exactly what Clive does next. Maybe the electric shock kick-started his brain again?

Claudia puts on her little-innocent-ol’-me act once again, but this time Clive cuts her off. “Isn’t it about time you reveal what’s behind the curtain?” he sighs. “I don’t think I can continue this any longer…” That makes two of us. And you know what? Despite him not showing any prior signs of seeing through Claudia’s act, I’m just going to go with the idea that he suspected something was fishy all along, lest I be forced to lump him in with the other dunderheads in the group. At least he’s demonstrated intelligence in the past, and I have to believe someone in this party has more than clay between their ears. As for why he didn’t warn the others accordingly…hey, look over there! Claudia, for her part, has the sense to realise she’s been rumbled, and doesn’t subject me to another half an hour of useless back-and-forth; tittering behind her hand, she asks Clive how he saw through her veil as some suitably creepy music starts up. Yes, because this was the most unexpected plot twist in living memory. It’s not like you secretly being evil was telegraphed every five seconds or anything.

Recap cancelled — Someone’s on her way to the burns unit.

Clive basically just shrugs and says he knew something was up because he isn’t brain-damaged. This triggers a psycho outburst from “Claudia”, who can’t believe she was found out by a guess. Again, not much guessing required. She walks a few paces to the right, emitting a white glow, and then suddenly transforms into Robed Woman. SHOCK! Meanwhile, the real Claudia slumps lifelessly to the ground, having served her purpose as a saloon girl Halloween costume. “A beauty spawned another beauty!?” Gallows duhs. Shut up, Gallows. “A clever disguise, using the missing woman from [Titty] Twister…” Clive concedes, then adds that her plan had one fundamental flaw: “You attempted to use beauty as a weapon, but the blade you wielded was too dull.” Ouch. Clive can be quite the magnificent bitch when the mood takes him. I kind of want to post a sassy reaction gif to show my appreciation.

Robed Woman is incredulous, and waves one of her enormous sleeves angrily at him, but he’s on a roll now. He declares that her beauty is completely fake — presumably she’s had a lot of surgery — triggering another emotional outburst. “How rude of you. What would you know about beauty?” she snits. Well, he is the hottest of the Drifters. Seeking revenge for all the danger she subjected him too, as well as the cruel dildo deception, he lets her have it with both barrels: “A woman’s beauty can indeed be associated with strength. And so, you used it as your weapon. However, beauty is not all about physical appearance. A kind and tender heart…Beauty from the inside is what ultimately shines through.” An admirable sentiment, if a little vomit-inducing, but I don’t think it’s going to fly with Elizabeth Bathory here. Sure enough, we get a closeup shot of her looking like she wants to straight-up murder him. And now comes the bombshell.

“I have a wife and daughter,” Clive casually reveals. “I would be in great trouble if I were infatuated with another woman.” Or another man. Just saying. The others all turn to boggle at him, like it was beyond the realms of possibility that a man in his thirties should be married with a kid. Then again, this seems like the kind of detail that probably would have been brought up in conversation by now, unless he wanted to keep it quiet for…reasons. More on this as events warrant, maybe. “Enough of your mockery! How dare you resist me!” Robed Woman screams. Jesus. I’m not judging her for wanting a piece of Clive, but this is all getting a liiiiiittle Fatal Attraction for my liking. I hope his daughter doesn’t have a pet rabbit. Fuming at Clive for not giving in to her feminine charms, she drags the group into a boss fight. Before we get into fisticuffs, though, there are a few things I want to get off my chest. First, I’m beyond done playing dumb about this woman’s name, which is Melody. Of course, I’m not going to call her that. Since such emphasis has been placed on both her beauty and her fixation with it — and more on that in a moment — I can only assume that she’s the kind of jawdroppingly attractive woman who makes nerds and neckbeards tip their fedoras at her whenever she passes them in the street. Therefore, her new name is M’lady. Second, I’m sure Anita Sarkeesian is rolling her eyes somewhere in the knowledge that the only female villain we’ve seen so far is completely defined and motivated by her obsession with beauty. I can’t blame her, because I’m rolling mine along with her.

As a boss, M’lady is a complete pushover, not least because her psychotic rage means she only ever targets Clive. As he’s a freaking tank in comparison to the others, this tactic doesn’t quite pay off for her. “I will not forgive you for trampling over my feelings! Or my beauty!” she bawls prior to one of her ineffective attacks. Christ almighty, let it go. In all seriousness, her particular brand of crazy is starting to scare me, and her boss music isn’t helping. After a few more turns of trying to punish Clive with her “Eliminate Scanner” — I’m not quite sure how her attacks work, so I’m going with nanomachines — she keels over, melodramatically soliloquizing, “I need more Panakeia in my circulatory system…has [Feelgayer] denied my existence?” Most probably, since that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past twenty minutes. Also, I take it “Panakeia” is the brand of anti-psychosis meds she’s been forgetting to take.