As luck would have it, most of the umpteen other puzzles are of the simple “use Steady Doll to push out-of-reach blocks into switches” variety, as opposed to the altogether more complex “use Steady Doll to trip out-of-reach levers” conundrums. Eventually the identikit stone hallways give way to an outside area festooned with greenery, which the game designers probably threw in so that the dungeon’s name made at least some kind of sense — not that they usually bother to make the effort. Three crystalline buttplugs are strategically placed around the area, along with three smaller, inverted ones atop poles. Such buttplugs usually fall under Clive’s remit, but oh no — they’re all sitting on waist-high ledges he can’t possibly climb onto! How on Feelgayer is he going to bomb them from ground level!?

It’s hard to say which of these would be more painful to sit on.

Well, I’m completely stumped. If The Unclean Mark was the designated “Shock twists and surprises” dungeon, Lunatic Garden is well and truly the “fiendishly difficult puzzles” dungeon. To my relief, the Guardian of Strategy, Gamefaquon, is on hand to give me thorough, step-by-step instructions so that I have a chance of working out this stumper this side of Christmas. The solution, as it turns out, involves the wooden crates lying around the perimeter of the garden for no particular reason. Throwing one of them at a buttplug activates it, subsequently lighting up one of the smaller buttplugs-on-poles. When all three are triggered, the door to the next area springs open. Sounds simple enough, even though the puzzle itself is needlessly complex. I mean, who would have realised that the only other interactable objects in the vicinity were the key to getting out of here? Those dastardly game designers, throwing me a curveball like that.

What’s neat about this is that although the crystalline buttplugs are out of reach, they’re all placed within throwing distance, so the only thing required to hit them is the ability to aim in a straight line. Like it was ever in doubt, I prove to be a master at this. It’s really impressive to watch, I assure you, but in the absence of video evidence you’re just going to have to take my word for it. That screaming? Nothing to concern yourselves with. Moving on.

A curious sight awaits the team at the heart of the ruins: a semi-transparent woman with flowing blue hair, suspended within a pillar of eerie red light. Observing her is a robed figure who, hearing the elephantine racket as the Drifters lumber into the room, turns around to reveal…Vagina’s long-lost daddy! OK, so it’s actually Slickster. Gallows demands to know what he’s doing with the pretty young lady, because this hour is desperately trying to convince us he’s a ladies’ man for some reason. Slickster swishes his ridiculous headband-scarf combo dramatically — he was probably practicing that move just before the party arrived — and declares, “Life…is what I’m seeking. My desire is to pour life into a vessel of human form.” Great, yet another over-theatrical dipstick who can’t just give a straight answer. I’d be saved so much time if he’d just said, “Oh, this woman is the corporeal form of one of the Guardians, and I’m using this device to drain her life energy for evil purposes which will be revealed when the plot demands it.” Because that’s the situation here in a nutshell.

Recognising his manner of speech (not to mention his questionable dress sense), Vagina accuses him of being, “just like that woman!” “Oh? I see you’ve met [M’lady],” Slickster replies, officially dropping her name for the first time. It seems she returned to the Maze Puzzle Laboratory in a tantrum that’s still ongoing, if Slickster’s account is to be believed: “She’s not the type to keep her feelings bottled up. Even as we speak, I’m sure she’s raging furiously.” Really? But she seemed like such a calm and level-headed researcher!

Offended? But she took Clive’s rejection so well!

Happily, it looks as though Clive’s remembered he’s supposed to be the shrewd member of the group, since he realises Slickster’s up to no good more or less instantly. You’d think the creep’s association with the clearly-unhinged M’lady would have already been enough to clue the others in, but you also have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Clive orders Slickster to stop…whatever it is he’s doing, but he’s not so easily cowed by an uppity nerd with green hair. “Oh, does this <<light>> bother you?” he asks innocently. I swear to God, I think I need to start documenting each instance of the game designers using (or misusing) the various types of brackets, for my own sanity if nothing else. I’m sure there must be rules for this kind of shit. Gallows follows up Clive’s order with a demand of his own, compelling Slickster to basically imitate the Jennifer Lawrence “OK” gif and reply, “Your boorish behaviour annoys me.” Hear, fucking hear. Sadly, rather than continue down this avenue, he raises his arms in a Messianic gesture and starts creepily monologuing about how beautiful the Red Light of Probable Bad Stuff is. “The existence of this Guardian will cease, but will continue to live on in a new and beautiful form,” he claims. I think I understand why Slickster might want this nubile young woman to take on a different form, if you know what I’m saying. He argues that it’s far better for the Guardian’s life energy to be put to use instead of slowly withering away in a forgotten old shrine. Yeah, that excuse is totally going to convince the guys who’re essentially the Guardians’ gofers. Carry on!

Truth and Justice Vagina tells him in no uncertain terms that they’re not going to stand by and watch him siphon this poor Guardian’s anima from her body, so it’s safe to say we have another fight on our hands. And there was me thinking this little misunderstanding could be resolved amicably. Slickster sighs that he needs to get back to work, like, five minutes ago, and recites his personal work motto: “Work with a smile and always go the extra mile.” He kind of sounds like me before I had all the spirit and enthusiasm drained out of me. Speaking of drained enthusiasm, Slickster declares he’s much too busy to get his own robes hands dirty and pulls out his trump card…Anus. Because that particular well isn’t completely dried out yet.

And you’ll still probably lose your job in the next round of cuts. But hey, at least you won Employee of the Month that one time!

It turns out Anus isn’t thrilled at the prospect of fighting the party yet again either — he’s been hiding behind a pillar this whole time, probably praying Slickster would forget he was there. It’s like even he’s trying to tell the game designers how tiresome these confrontations are becoming. Anyhow, Slickster chews him out for not immediately jumping into the fray, then cries, “If I cannot count on the Dark Knight, then I will take matters into my own hands!” Wait, “Dark Knight?” If Batman showed up right about now, it might make this scene slightly more interesting. But no such luck — instead, Slickster rolls up his sleeves and calls up the insanely creepy boss music he shares with M’lady.

So. This fight is a pain in the tail, largely because of my own incompetence. When Vagina tries to shoot Slickster, the bullet passes right through his body (and the Phantom Text God confirms this with delicious relish, so fuck him). The same thing happens with Gallows. And Jet. And yes, even Clive. It’s like a boss fight against one of the annoying bats with astronomical evasion stats in every RPG starter cave, only set to really unsettling music. It takes me an embarrassingly long time to figure out what to do to circumvent this (cast the “Decelerate” Arcana), and I’ve played this game more than once before. Just chalk it up to my brain turning to blancmange after all those Anus encounters. Once he’s stopped fluttering around like a moth on speed, Slickster goes down after a few rounds. Figuring he’s already absorbed sufficient Guardian energy, he calls a retreat, and then Anus does an unnecessary teleport to his side, despite being all of five feet away. I can’t even with this douche anymore.

“[Anus]!? I could have used you!” Slickster hisses. And he would have enjoyed it. As a way to handwave his sitting out of the fight, Anus spews a longwinded diatribe about the “coordinate axis of [his] mutation,” which can be boiled down to, “My body’s still adjusting to these whack new powers of mine,” and then leads Slickster out of the room by his arm. Once again, the team just watches the villain make their escape. Just fucking shoot them, for the love of God. After giving Anus and Slickster a sufficient headstart, Vagina, Clive and Jet give chase, leaving Gallows behind to stare longingly at what remains of the unidentified Guardian. Sensing his kind soul, or something, she smiles and extends her hand, transferring the last of her life force to him in the form of some green sparklies. Once again, the game’s pushing its weird “Gallows has a weakness for beautiful ladies” narrative, but this time I at least get the Moon Spark Medium out of it, so I won’t bitch too much.

Thanks to that little diversion, and the massive advantage Anus and Slickster now have, I get to retrace my steps through the entire dungeon before finally catching up with them. Vagina points out to Slickster that he’ll never escape in his current condition, but he sasses that he has one more card to play in order to buy some time. Hey, wait a second, that was a boss battle transition! What’s more, the surprise boss the party find themselves facing is none other than “King of Angolmois,” an optional superboss who appears in many other games in the Wild PENISes series (also known as simply Angolmois, Angol Moa, or whichever variation the localisation team felt like using on a given day). Since he usually appears in completely optional endgame dungeons, and this is a mandatory early-game location….well, to be blunt, he really has no fucking business showing up here. It’s like the game designers realised they hadn’t dragged this dungeon out for long enough, decided they needed to throw in a filler boss fight (despite me just having one) and just thought, “Fuck it, we’ll use this guy.” Though he can still put the hurt on the group, he seems reluctant to pull out his devastating “7th Moon” attack, so Clive makes short work of him with the “Grav” Arcana. Bye-bye, [King of] Angolmois/Moa! Safe journey back to Wild PENISes, where you were actually a threat! Back in regular gameplay mode, Anus and Slickster are long gone, but Vagina and the others can’t even process this before they’re interrupted by another visit to the Maze Puzzle Laboratory…of EVIL!

We fade in on Anus hitting the wall, presumably having been dropkicked by one of his three robed superiors. I honestly can’t think of a better way to start a scene than that. In fact, I wouldn’t object if every single scene in the game started this way from now on. “Ughhh…What’s your problem!?” Anus grunts, suddenly all disgruntled teenager, and then we get a closer look at the leader of the scientist trio, now named “Leehalt.” He’s deathly pale, has long, straggly black hair, and has his mouth covered (he probably looks like Mileena from Mortal Kombat underneath), so he easily surpasses M’lady and Slickster on the Creep-O-Meter. He tells Anus he doesn’t seem to understand the level of shit he’s in, having fucked up all their original plans by failing to deliver one of the Cock Scepters. Apparently, if they’d had possession of one, they could have accomplished their evil Guardian-sapping goals without expending so much time and resources. What’s more, due to Anus deciding he couldn’t be bothered stepping in to fight Slickster’s battles for him, the poor guy’s exhausted. I guess Leehalt and Slickster (whose real name, Malik, is now revealed) had big plans for tonight, and now Anus has ruined everything! Guys, this is what he tends to do. Better that you find out while he’s still on probation and you can fire him without notice.

Despite being ready to keel over, Malik musters the strength to deliver an — altogether now! — longwinded monologue explaining, for the benefit of the audience, the deal with him and his cohorts. Short version: the mysterious Panakeia is both their sole form of sustenance and the source of their power, but their bodies can’t properly digest it, so they’re required to undergo “circulatory cleansing” to rid themselves of the deadly toxins in their systems. So…what I’m taking from this is that these guys, whatever they are, need to have regular enemas in order to stop their own lifeblood from fatally poisoning them? In that case, all those pure white robes they wear are even more impractical. M’lady carries on the lecture, explaining that Feelgayer regards them as foreign bodies and will try to cleanse itself by removing them. That would sound quite ominous if I cared about their plight at all. It’s confirmed that Anus’s duty is to “protect [them] from [Feelgayer]’s purification,” which, really, they couldn’t find anyone better for the job!?

Ooh, can I have a turn? Pretty please?

So, now we know why Leehalt stabbed Anus in the groin with Soul Edge, except not really, and also why the group is targeting the Guardians, except not really. Glad everything’s cleared up. Only just now realising that he was only kept alive to serve these guys, Anus charges forth with Soul Edge raised, which goes exceedingly well for him. Leehalt does a “Talk to the hand” gesture, mutters some gibberish, and then Anus is engulfed in a localised lightning storm. Apparently, there’s a device implanted in his body that can electrocute him when activated remotely by Leehalt or one of the others. Man, these guys thought of everything! His hopes of rebellion quashed, Anus apologises and teleports out of dodge, leaving Leehalt to declare him, “another nuisance [they] must worry about.” Well, you’ve only got yourselves to blame. If you’d listened to me and left him to die…oh, sorry, Leehalt’s still talking. He instructs M’lady to continue to work on the “fortress,” and tells Malik to go find some more Guardians to leech off of (after taking some time to recuperate from his recent ordeal, of course). As for Leehalt himself? He declares, “I will have the Huskarls on standby. No Drifters shall interfere with our plans anymore…” The director wisely chooses to end the scene before he can start MWA HA HA-ing, and we cut back to the party doing what they do best in Titty Twister’s saloon.

As the perpetual sunset blazes through the windows, Clive, Vagina, Gallows, and the other one discuss the latest addition to their List O’ Enemies and what he could possibly have been doing to Celesdue the Moon Guardian. Even though they pretty much already know. “There is one thing I did notice…” Clive muses. “Do you remember his outfit? It’s very similar to someone else’s.” What in the fuck. Jet continues to add to my misery, contributing, “Oh, you mean that stuck-up woman?”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THEY LITERALLY FOUND OUT M’LADY AND MALIK ARE WORKING TOGETHER TEN MINUTES AGO. There is no fucking need for this conversation to be in the game. I realise that could also apply to half of the other conversations in the game, but I have reached my fucking limit of having my intelligence insulted. There’s probably one too many “fuckings” in this paragraph, but hey, if the game designers can repeat themselves to the point of redundancy, then so can I.

Clive, the guy with green hair, says he tries not to judge people by their appearance. Good to know. He does propose, however, that M’lady and Malik’s similar attire means they’re probably working towards similar objectives, or at least under the same ideology. Once again, YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. Malik instantly knew who you were talking about when you referred to M’lady, not to mention the fact that you know Anus is working for both of them. STOP ACTING LIKE THE REST OF THESE DIMWITS. I apologise for the capslock abuse, but I can’t handle this shit anymore. “A mysterious pair working with [Anus]…I’d rather not get involved,” Jet whines. For what may be the first time in history, I agree with him.

What I say to that can’t be repeated in polite company.

But you fucking know they’re in this until the end. Vagina comes up with the closest thing to a bright idea within this group: locate any other Guardian shrines nearby, and get there before Malik or M’lady do. Which would be fine and dandy, if the only fucking Baskar in the party could recall where the fuck they were. Naturally, Gallows can’t remember anything he learned from Sophia, save for one verse of one prophecy:

“The light shines the high ground [sic],
becoming dew at night, and augite by dawn.
Those who wish to seek the light, shall
visit and offer prayers of prosperity.”

Seriously, that’s all he can remember, and that’s the exact formatting the game uses. I think I need a drink right about now. “What do you say to that, huh!?” Gallows screeches, no doubt expecting the others to be impressed by his powers of memory. Vagina admits she has no idea what it means — that goes for all of us — but Clive once again saves the day by virtue of actually having both a brain and some knowledge of the world he lives in. He reckons “high ground” refers to a mountainous mining region to the northwest, and I’m going to take his word for it. But there’s one problem — they can’t cross the sand strait without a vehicle. Hey, kids, you know what time it is!?

Amazingly, the latest round of Talk to Everyone is mostly painless — all Vagina has to do is once again chat to Claudia, who seems to have taken up a new position as Titty Twister’s resident information pez dispenser. She heard from another customah — and I’m baffled as to who all these other patrons are, since the Drifter group seem to be the only people ever in the place — that there’s an abandoned lighthouse nearby, under which lies an ancient waterway. Well, that settles it. Off to the lighthouse we go!