But Vagina won’t let it lie — she pulls her PENISes on him for the second time in this recap, declaring that she’ll make him pay for “making a mockery of people who are trying so hard”. Anus has had enough by this point, and calls for Dario and Romero to assume their positions (probably not the first time they’ve heard that). He tells Vagina that she’s too inexperienced to be going around playing at being a Drifter and that she reminds him of his greener, younger self: “You’re just a figment of my past! Now watch as I trample all over you!” This translates to “Let’s have a boss fight, girlfriend”, in case you were wondering. Before that, though, Anus yells something about “the Trinity“, meaning that I have to activate the Asinine Supplemental Knowledge system to find out what the hell he’s jabbering about — turns out that the Trinity is a combo attack involving all three members of the Ambiguously Gay Trio. “I think you’ll have a better taste for it once you experience it!” he cries, before initiating battle. Naturally, the Trinity is now known as the Threesome.
Vagina begins the boss fight by attacking Romero, only for Anus to instantly pause the battle to throw a Heal Berry at him, undoing the damage. “[Anus] is capable of healing his comrades, regardless of whose turn it is!” the Phantom Text God gloats, eliciting a response I’m too polite to repeat here. Also, those fucking Heal Berries are so rare in this game that I can count how many the party currently has on one hand, yet Anus apparently has a limitless supply tucked away in his white-jeaned pocket. Fuck you and the cock you rode in on, Anus.
Um, we don’t need to hear about one of those experiences. (Also note the penises in the background)
Well, looks like Anus has to go down first (insert punchline here). On the next round, I have everyone target the blue-haired dickhole, but before they can act the douchenozzle initiates the Threesome attack. Said attack involves a quick-fire montage of the Three Cocketeers assaulting the object of their ire (Gallows, in an act of karmic retribution), including something that looks suspiciously like a stinkface on Dario’s part, and ends with Anus bringing down his bayonet for an overhead blow. Ouch. Hilariously, though, the attack deals a grand total of zero damage. OK, maybe this has something to do with Gallows being Level 76 at this point, but I’m just going to go with the explanation that the Three Cocketeers are incompetent wusses. Anything to help me sleep better at night.
After the completely ineffective Threesome, Dario steals another extra turn to use an ability called “Zip Up” (I am not shitting you here), which somehow raises his defense. Immediately afterwards, the game designers actually allow me to take a turn, an opportunity Vagina seizes to fill Anus with lead. Pissed that he’s just been beaten by Vagina, of all people, Anus pauses the battle again to make his exit, claiming that he’s “going back to report” (to whom, we don’t know yet). Dario freaks out, screaming that he and Romero can’t use the Threesome attack without him. Well, duh. “Are you just using us as pawns so you can make your escape?!” Romero screeches, regardless of the fact that he’s never seemed to mind Anus using him before now. Anus’s response is that one of them has to bring the Hieraco shask back to their Mysterious Superiors, and it might as well be him. “If you’re still alive, meet me at the usual place!” he says casually, before a quick Black Screen of Not Having to Animate Our Characters spirits him away from the battlefield. Their “usual place” is obviously a Feelgayan sauna.
Mourning the exit of their topboss, Dario and Romero exchange some more dialogue which I won’t transcribe here as it’s only slightly suggestive. One turn later, both of them are spread-eagled on the ground, having been peppered with shots from four separate PENISes. After spewing some generic “We’ll get you next time!” threats, they hightail it out of the ruins, leaving a Duplicator behind (for those of you who haven’t read the Wild ARMs recaps, a Duplicator is a magic key, not some kind of Old Western sex toy).
Afterwards, the group stand around awkwardly, nobody wanting to talk about the elephant in the room. In fairness to Vagina, she admits she screwed up, but doesn’t mope about it; once Clive gently reminds her that everyone makes mistakes, and that the important thing is learning from them, she becomes focused on stopping the Ambiguously Gay Trio from obtaining the remaining two shasks and, by extension, the Eternal Sparkle. Even Jet manages to refrain from chewing her out for being such an appalling judge of character, instead agreeing to head back to Jolly Roger to gather information.
Trust the game with gay cowboys to reference a Village People song.
Back in town, a mercifully-short round of Talk To Everyone yields the party’s next lead — a random douche mentions that the increase in monster attacks on sandcraft have stopped them from coming in to port, so the only way to get around is by train. He namedrops Midland Station to the northwest, helpfully using his green and red voices to let Vagina know that this is where she needs to go next. As I should have anticipated, the game designers were slyly lulling me into a sense of complacency by giving away the directions so readily — actually finding the damn station turns into a huge ordeal, as Vagina is apparently too dumb to realize that following the train tracks is the best course of action and instead ends up searching random patches of desert. It’s almost like someone incompetent is controlling her movements or something.
Straight to the alcohol cabinet, like I always do when I have to recap this game.
Eventually, Vagina stumbles upon the station and has a surprise meeting with her old friend Tony, the huge-handed train guard from the Feelgayer Express. Sadly, he has nothing of import to say, so they just friend each other on Facebook and agree to meet up for drinks soon, both fully aware that they will never speak to each other again. The other guard at the station asks where the gang is headed, then gives them a choice of Westwood Station or…Westwood Station. Gee, they’re really spoiled for choice here. Handing over the reasonable ticket price of 150 Gella, Vagina and the others hop on the train and find seats in the non-smoking compartment, taking care to avoid the used condoms, empty beer cans and month-old chewing gum as they do so. A Black Screen of Extended Journeys swiftly engulfs the carriage, cruelly robbing me of the chance to see the party try to decipher the dyslexic graffiti on the walls, purchase out-of-date confectionery from the buffet trolley, and sit around picking their asses for half an hour whilst waiting for a signal failure to be resolved. Why, yes, I am a rail commuter. How could you tell?
…I need to stop projecting. When the train finally pulls in to Westwood, the party is greeted by yet another guard who starts yammering about a fair recently held at the nearby village of Claiborne to the east. He continues that the village is situated “where the tracks start to curve”, miraculously refraining from inserting anything green or red into the sentence. I’m starting to get the feeling that once they arrive in Claiborne, the group are going to be told by another random NPC to go in some other direction to find another location, repeated until the end of time.
I’m glad none of the main characters speak in this dialect, because recapping hundreds of lines like this would send me over the edge.
Fortunately, my frustration subsides when the gang arrives in Claiborne — it’s one of my favourite places in the game, largely because it’s small, has calming music, and is almost completely devoid of annoying NPCs. What’s more, everyone’s favourite festive travelling drug dealer merchant, Roykman, has arrived in town, meaning that the party can stock up on all the Light Shrooms, Seed Powders and Pixie Dusts they consumed to pass the time during their train journey. They also encounter a perky young woman called Becky (wearing a cowboy hat, bikini top and daisy dukes, for that added Old West authenticity) who starts gossiping about the mean old saloon owner, Myra, who’s apparently been mistreating her young niece (it’s important that they made her Myra’s niece and not her daughter, because we all know that parents never mistreat their own children and only those nasty childless people end up old and bitter). Well, this isn’t likely to relate to the Eternal Sparkle, but as it seems to be the hot topic in this backwater town, Vagina decides to investigate.
Inside the “Horse-Theft Saloon”, a young girl, Martina, warmly greets the group. I won’t keep you in suspense — she’s Myra’s niece. She declares “My mom is usually in charge of cooking, but she isn’t here right now. Auntie and I will cater to all your culinary needs!” She goes on to say that her mom is “working elsewhere” and has left the saloon in Myra’s hands for the time being. However, poor Martina is starting to get worried as she hasn’t received any letters from her recently. It probably says a lot about my twisted mind that my first thought upon reading this is that Myra has murdered Martina’s mother to get her inheritance and dumped her remains in the woodshed.
‘I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!’
The truth is somewhat less juicy — Myra, whose new name is Miss Gulch, reveals that Martina’s father fell into debt through gambling and hiring hookers. Being fairly well-off (after all, what else is she going to spend her money on if she doesn’t have children of her own? Her life must be so empty and meaningless!), she agreed to put up the collateral to save the business, and now Martina’s parents are working God-knows-where, trying to raise the money to repay her. Because leaving their daughter in the care of the Wicked Witch of the West was obviously the best option here. This seemingly-extraneous conversation is in fact the beginning of a sidequest that spans the entire game, and in the interest of thoroughness, I’m going to see it through to completion…even though I will probably live to regret doing so.
The one word that defines my existence when recapping this game is ‘inebriated’.
Leaving Martina to her daily horsewhipping, Vagina exits the saloon and runs headfirst into Pike, the fucktard who Jet found languishing at the bottom of a ruin way back in the introduction, now in charge of handling the horses. Apparently Claiborne was his destination from back then — hardly the bright lights of the city, but at least it looks like he’s found stable work. Get it? Stable work? Because he’s a horse-wrangler? Oh, I kill me. Lame jokes aside, Pike excitedly reveals that he can change the names of our heroes. As Vagina already has her nickname, Clive doesn’t really need one, and I STILL can’t come up with anything suitable for Jet or Gallows, poor Pike’s services won’t be required this time around. Too bad, Pike! Back to picking up horse shit for you!
Jeez, Pike, I know the guy may ACT like a petulant kid, but that’s just insulting.
While Vagina’s here, she stumps up the outrageous sum of 2,000 Gella for four prize-winning stallions, for no reason in particular, then resumes the day’s round of Talk To Everyone. Unusually, this time she has to address someone she’s already spoken to — those dastardly game designers, using every trick in the book to drag my playtime out. Becky, the anachronistically-dressed cowgirl with the annoying accent (apologies for offending any Southern belles who may be reading this) mentions that “another gang of Drifters” just left town for the eastern ruins. Whether these mysterious Drifters are the Three Cocketeers or not remains to be seen, but it seems as likely a place as any for the second demon shask to be located, so off we go!
Penises!
The ruins, otherwise known as the Serpent Coils, lie nestled in an enclosed valley to the east. Before anything else, I have to point out that whenever I see the word “serpent”, I immediately think “penis”. Don’t ask me why — I think it’s a VGR-related affliction. Therefore, even though they are shaped neither like a serpent nor a penis, the Serpent Coils shall now be known as the Penis Coils. Once inside, Vagina tells her companions to be careful, as Anus may be here. Yes, because if anyone’s in the position to warn others about Anus, it’s her.
More penises!
The first few rooms of the ruin contain little of note, save for a line of phallic posts that seem to serve no purpose in particular. Nearby is another penis lever, which opens a door on the other side of the room, and — fuck it, I’m not doing this again. There are doors, Vagina does things to open them. That’s all you need to know. The dungeon is a confusing mess of similar-looking rooms, so I’m probably doing you a favour by not being more thorough. At one point, Vagina enters a room with four treasure chests, all of which turn out to be disappointingly empty. “That’s odd…” she wonders.”Could someone already be in here?” Well, considering that you already know another group of Drifters was headed here, and indeed, suspect Anus and his lackeys of being here too, then yes, I’d say it’s likely someone else is here, Vagina. Jesus.