Anus explains, for the benefit of the retards on the roof (that means you, Gallows), that each of the three parties has one of the three shasks used to release the lock on the Eternal Sparkle. Putting on his best villainous pout, he demands that Vagina hand over her shask in exchange for the Schlongtinglers’ lives. “Don’t do it!” Maya interrupts. “They’re not just after it for the money…the Eternal Sparkle is used to…” Her warning is cut off by a PENIS shot to the midsection courtesy of Anus, but rather than messily bleeding to death, she just grunts and holds herself like she has stomach ache. Maybe she’s wearing a PENISproof vest.
…accessorize the perfect outfit?
Anxious to save her orange-clad piece of sass, Vagina stalks over to Anus and reluctantly hands over her shask, whereupon he, like, channels Prince Adolf or something. Seriously, his exact words are “Heh heh heh…Hahahah…HA HA HAH HAH!” Christ, someone shoot him already. Actually, I’m at a loss to explain why Vagina or one of the others don’t just summon their equipped Guardian and vaporize the Three Cocketeers right here and now — they clearly have the means to do so, given the dozens of random monsters who have been dispatched by them before now. Oh, right, gameplay and story segregation again.
Anyway, Anus is on a power trip, screaming to the heavens “All three [shasks] are now mine…all mine!” God, all it would take is one small push. Someone please do it. “Do you all believe that the Eternal Sparkle will grant unlimited power to the one who attains it?” he gloats, his head still rocking back and forth with the momentum of his insane laughter. “Wouldn’t you like to see what the ‘Spear that Destroys All Life’ can really do?” I for one would like to see its power demonstrated on him right now. Vagina backs away (looking like she’s on castors, injecting some unintentional comedy into this dramatic scene) as Dario yells “B-boss…what’s gotten into you?” I’ll refrain from making any crude remarks here. “You aren’t gonna blow off our mission, are you?” Romero adds, and once again I’ll stop myself from taking the word “blow” out of context.
You might want to get some tips from Jackie Stallone.
It’s clear that Anus has completely lost it, because he starts ranting about the nature of mortality and that he doesn’t want to end up like the long-forgotten Lucio (the deceased fourth member of the Ambiguously Gay Quartet, remember?). However, he doesn’t want the Eternal Sparkle to give him immortality — instead, he plans to harness its power and become so strong that his legacy will live on forever. Dude, just get a Twitter page and amass a few thousand followers instead. “I’m not going out as an average Drifter!” he vows. “I will overcome the boundary of time, and continue to exist within people’s memories! With this power, I shall become the absolute ruler and engrave my name in history forever!” I honestly don’t think I can withstand much more megalomaniacal ranting. It’s getting to the point where I’m actually hoping Jet will interrupt Anus’s tirade with some good old-fashioned whining.
As Anus continues reciting Power-Hungry Villain Speech #43 and a fierce wind begins to whip up, we cut to Maya asking Vagina why she handed over the shask. Vagina replies that she thought saving Maya’s life was the right thing to do — yeah, I’m sure that’s the only reason — but the moment is ruined by the sight of Dario and Romero barrelling across the screen like tumbleweeds. It seems the wind is picking up. Somewhat hilariously, they end up flying off the edge of the tower altogether, which Anus doesn’t seem too cut up about. “He’s abandoning his own men!” Vagina cries, distracting us from questioning how two fully-grown men were blown clean off the roof when two petite young women wearing lightweight, floaty dresses are apparently impervious to the wind.
Using the power of the three shasks, Anus finally summons the Eternal Sparkle, which appears as a fleshy, pulsating object with a single eye-like protrusion set into its centre. No comment. Maya starts freaking out, claiming that it’s “an artefact of the demons” that consumes the souls of living things. Well, nobody thought to mention that when we first decided to track the damn thing down. “You said there was neither good nor evil here, right?” Vagina asks her new gal pal. “But all I feel is a dark and evil presence…” All I feel right now is the after-effects of the vodka.
“Then what do you suggest we do!?” Maya retorts. “Summon a superhero to kick his butt? Tell me where we can find this defender of justice!” I think you see where this is going. Justice!Vagina gets to her feet, cel-shaded determination etched on her face. “I’m sure there’s a defender of justice somewhere. If not, then…I’ll become the superhero!” Her superpower would so be the ability to fly. Or to make people’s heads explode with cheese-drenched monologues.
When I look at this thing, ‘Eternal Sparkle’ is the last name that springs to mind.
We cut to the Eternal Sparkle coming down from the sky, inches from Anus’s grasp, when a shot from Vagina’s PENIS sends it careening off into the wind. The Whistle Theme of Bravery and Determination starts up as Anus turns to face Vagina, who’s now pointing her PENIS directly at him. “I ran into the wasteland knowing little, but I still considered myself a Drifter…” she announces. Oh Christ, she’s off again. “A Drifter that would help people in need, and bring down evil. But that just wasn’t the case…” You know, I think Dario and Romero actually got the best deal here. “The actions of a Drifter speak neither good nor evil…This misconception almost robbed me of the will to fly.” (VARC: 9) Finally, she gets what Maya was trying to tell her; Drifters aren’t automatically good or bad, and even though justice may not be the clear-cut concept she once thought, she still wants to travel the wasteland so she can help people in need. “I don’t want to see sad memories engraved on people’s hearts anymore!” she finishes, as Clive, Gallows and Jet move to back her up. In response, Anus simply grins insanely and asks “So…when I stab you with this bayonet, how loud will you scream?”
God, Anus, at least buy them dinner first.
You know what comes next, kids! That’s right — yet another fight with Anus. Granted, Dario and Romero are AWOL this time, so it’s a little bit different to all the other battles we’ve had, but I’m sick to death of wiping the floor with this douche by now. After the skirmish, he starts a “This isn’t over!” speech, only for the floor to collapse beneath him, sending him plummeting down the shaft of Ka Dongel. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! …Excuse me.
We cut to what I believe is the entrance hall, in the middle of the two remaining Drifter teams saying their goodbyes. There’s a huge pile of rubble behind them, not that I’m mentioning that for any specific reason. “I see you found an answer,” Maya says to Vagina. “But it’s really not. That was just your declaration of wanting to find an answer.” Ugh, don’t you start too, Maya. Vagina replies that justice may be unreliable, but she wants to make it her priority. “I don’t get you,” Maya sighs, making that two of us, but it’s clear the two teams are on friendly terms — for now, at least. I guess there’s nothing like a confrontation with a power-crazed gay cowboy on top of a giant phallus for bringing people together.
Vagina asks what Maya’s next objective is, to which Maya replies that she definitely isn’t going to get involved with the Eternal Sparkle — all she’s interested in are gems. And women. “You better watch yourself, you hear? Someone as green as you shouldn’t get involved in a cause as lofty as justice,” she warns, her words tinged with concern. “You take care, too” Vagina replies coyly, admitting that they may be enemies again the next time they meet, but that they should remain “friends” until then. And…scene!
I think you already are on the same side, if you know what I mean.
You didn’t think the recap was going to end there, did you? No, we have a thrilling cliffhanger to witness first. After a Black Screen of Time Lapse, we fade in on the conspicuous pile of rubble from earlier. One particularly huge slab slowly slides off the pile, revealing — surprise! — Anus. Yeah, I have no fucking clue how he managed to survive that, either, but go with it. Moaning that his body aches all over, he calls out for Dario and Romero. Uh, hello, you blew them off the top of the tower — I highly doubt they’re going to come running to your aid. Unbelievably Actually, they are still alive, but I can’t remember if they ever appear again, so it’s a moot point for now.
Someone does approach, but it isn’t Dario or Romero — three strange people in white, flowing robes silently move towards him. “Oh…it’s you blokes,” Anus mutters, apparently not noticing that one of the three is very much not a bloke. Unless “her” makeup is especially convincing, that is. We can assume that these guys are Anus’s previously hinted-at masters, as he starts babbling about failing his assignment and promising to do better next time. The slimy arsehole even tries to blame Dario and Romero for the failure of the mission, prompting “Robed Woman” to bitch “Was it a mistake for us to manifest power to one who does not understand its true meaning?” Before Anus can process all the big words she used, there’s a strange noise and…JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST!!!!!
I’m sorry. But this…this thing just dropped down right in front of the camera and pushed its terrifying, grinning visage right in my face. It reminds me of some kind of lizard crossed with one of the aliens from Mars Attacks. As if that and the brain-eating zombie grin weren’t scary enough, it has a crazed, wild-eyed look, like it’s currently high on drugs. Hell, I feel like I’m under the influence of an illicit substance just by looking at it.
Holy shit!
This abomination of nature is known as “Balazs”, though I prefer “The face from my nightmares”, and is some kind of lackey to Anus’s bosses. “Ugh…I see…” Anus says, which is more than I can say because I appear to have gouged out my own eyes. “So you had this watchman recover the Dark Spear from me, eh?” Except that the Dark Spear — aka the Eternal Sparkle — was never in his hands to begin with.
Another of the robed weirdos — a fey, blond man identified only as “Slickster” — steps forward and confirms “Yes, Balazs has reported everything. About your grand scheme, your actions…” Wait, so that thing has been lurking in the shadows, watching Anus all this time? I’m shuddering here. “How vulgar, boorish and shameless,” Robed Woman sniffs, covering her mouth with one enormous baggy sleeve. Slickster raises his hand, which begins to emit a blinding white light, and declares “This will be a fitting end for your reckless behaviour…” But before he can kill Anus, the third person in their group interrupts him. Damn it.
“Masked Man” takes a step forward and produces the Dark Eternal Spear Sparkle from the folds of his robes. I really don’t want to know what it was doing under there. He asks Anus why he sought its power, as it throbs and pulsates in his hand, to which Anus can only admit that he wanted its power for himself. I’m sure this display of honesty will end well for him. Masked Man raises the Dark Eternal Spear Sparkle above his head, and it suddenly opens up and transforms into Soul Edge. So…it’s not a spear at all, then?
“This is the incarnation of the power you seek…the ‘Dark Spear Sword'” Masked Man intones. “I deem you worthy.” And with that, he totally brings down Soul Edge and stabs Anus in the groin. Like, ow.
How will this affect future events? Is Anus dead? And who are these creepy robed people? We’ll have to find out next time, because I’m all recapped out for now. But hey, we survived, and that’s the important thing! Join me in Part 4 for a few more incredibly interesting dungeons, a town of ill repute, and more PENIS action than you can shake a stick at. See you then!