The Little Jack and its phallic harpoon lands at one of the docks. “So this is Maramba… It’s so… hot!” Vyse duhs. No! They have got to stop surprising me like that. As Vyse poisons the air with his extreme obviousness, Pippi notices that Drachma has not joined them on the docks. Just then, the Little Jack pulls away, leaving the three young people standing there in shock. I guess the inanity finally got to Drachma. I can’t say I blame him. If I had an airship, I wouldn’t be here.
Vyse practically throws a crybaby fit, however, now that he’s stuck in this city with two hot chicks and a ton of money. “This is where we part company. I’ve got my own quest to worry about. I’ve got to find Rhaknam. You know, my special plot? Plus, you guys never fucking shut up. I can’t take it anymore!” Drachma shouts from the ship. Pippi shrieks some more, then wonders how the fuck they can collect Moon Crystals without a ship. Guess they should’ve taken one of the Ass Pirate ships. Also, it’s so obvious from the docks in town that airships never stop there, and there are certainly no airships anywhere else in the world, even if they did. “That is not of my concern. I have no interest in crystals or temples,” Drachma says. I really wish there could be more RPG characters like this.
Unable to use her boobs and ass to her advantage, Pippi resorts to screaming out insults at the old captain. Yeah, that’ll win him over for sure. The girls whine for a bit, unable to figure out with their tiny brains what to do. Finally, Vyse the Big Strong Man suggests that they check the city out and try to find someone with an airship. Wow, that is some creative thinking there. Some text informs me that Drachma has left the party. Thanks, random text. You never let me down.
Obviously not, since he’s not kicking your ass.
As I mentioned before, the place has kind of an Arabian feel, and of course the music has to match. The people wear double-pointed stocking hats. I’m not familiar with this particular clothing style, so I’m not sure if this style is drawn from a real-life source, or if the game designers pulled something out of their asses. I is the ignorant.
The guildmaster, however, looks identical to all the other guildmasters we’ve seen thus far. He mentions that there is a new dancer at the pub. This would seem like completely random information, but…it isn’t! Oh, you sneaky game designers. Incidentally, as far as swashbuckler rating, Vyse is now Vyse the Respected, up from Vyse the Determined. They really need to have ratings like “Vyse the Not So Suckass” or “Vyse the Well, At Least He’s Not Tidus.”
Loading ...On the next screen, the main part of town, Vyse finds himself face to face with a creature that looks like a mix between those two-legged riding beasts in Empire Strikes Back and a pink Jar Jar with a limp…uh, nose. Also, it’s wearing mascara. According to the dialogue box, it’s a Dhabu. We’ll come back to them later. Pardon me while I shudder.
Vyse winds his way through the palm trees and box-shaped houses. For the most part, the people aren’t complete assholes. And they all make sure to mention the Red Moon, just so we don’t forget exactly where we are or which Crystal we’re trying to find. Isn’t that considerate? Vyse even meets a nice young effeminate man in the weapon and armor shop. If he ever picks up a gay party member or two, he’ll give them this guy’s number. But what are the chances of that happening? Pretty Boy mentions that his dad hid treasure down in the sewer. And we all know how much Vyse likes sewers. Oh, and treasure.
In another house, a mannish woman roasts some big animal over a fire. Kabal Skewer Lady, as she is apparently called, whines about sailors because her daughter ran off with one a while back. So now she hates all sailors. “I have not heard from her since. Hrumph. She’s probably lying dead in a gutter somewhere by now,” KSL bitches. I can’t imagine why the daughter would want to leave this Mother of the Year. Will this extremely essential subplot ever get resolved? Stay tuned!
Vyse heads over to a platform where he talks to a Dhabu Trainer. Only a Dhabu can cross to the second part of the city, so Vyse will have to go for a little ride on one of the pink beasts. Let me rephrase that. And of course the mutant Jar Jars can also be used to collect treasure from otherwise unreachable places. And I’m not talking about the ass. Jeez, people.
The pub with the new dancer is located in the second part of the city. But before Vyse stops in there, he heads down into the sewers that Pretty Boy told him about. Sure enough, there is quite a bit of treasure down there. However, Vyse must press and/or release a series of switches to make the various gates swing into the right formation for him to access the treasure boxes. Add this to the fact that I suck at these kinds of puzzles where everything looks the same and I keep getting turned around, and suddenly Vyse has a change of heart in regards to collecting all the treasure. Ass Pirate tendencies aside, he’s willing to let some of the treasure chests go. Now what I can’t figure out is how Pretty Boy’s dad forgot where he put the treasure. It’s not exactly hidden. Or maybe this isn’t even the right sewer, since it looks more like an underground temple than a poop receptacle.
I think even I could see the future with those glasses.
After visiting the local fortune teller, who informs Vyse that there is an ancient temple with a sacred red jewel in his future (thanks), Vyse heads on over to the pub. Sure enough, a woman dances on a stage while men ogle her. A fat, greasy, gamer-like man gushes, “Those slender legs… that soft, smooth skin… that silky, red hair… she’s poetry in motion…” I’m just going to wager a guess that the only action this guy will get involves hand lotion and a poster of Faye Valentine. He says some more stuff, but it’s really too sad to repeat. Another guy, this one bald with a porn star mustache, has a slightly better chance, though not by much. We find out from him that the dancer’s name is Bellena. Though this guy is a sailor, he refuses Vyse’s request for a ship. “See that Bellena over there? I’m gonna ask her to sail with me tonight,” he TMIs. I really don’t need to know what he’s going to do with his “ship” in her “port.”
Having exhausted those possibilities, Vyse stomps up on the stage and talks to the dancer herself. This is where we get our first good look at her. Hoo boy. She has red hair and wears a pair of purple harem pants that stop just above her pelvic bone, two scraps of cloth over her chest, and a veil. And this is before FFX-2 was even a glimmer in the game designers’ crackpipe. Instead of telling him to get the hell off her stage, Bellena hits on Vyse, inviting him to stay awhile. Since he’s not gay, or at least not as obviously gay as, say, Link or Squall, Vyse takes her up on that offer.
As the Ass Pirates and Fina sit on floor pillows around a table, they engage in trademark Skies of Arcadia pointless small talk. Pippi wonders if they should try to find a ship at the docks. But that would make sense, so obviously that’s not the correct solution. Pippi chatters on and on until she realizes that Vyse is not listening to her. Well, would you? Instead, he stares openly at the gyrations of the scantily-clad Bellena.
Before I continue, I should probably say a few words about the dancing. Let’s just say that I would not be surprised if 80-90% of the animation efforts in this game went into making her boobs bounce. I am not exaggerating here. Her breasts move around like they have individual motors. It’s so excessive and embarrassing, I have to watch through my fingers, and I made it through FFX-2 without much more than an eyeroll at the outfits. No wonder Vyse can’t look away — it’s like a train wreck.
Aika gets Angry Eyes and yells at Vyse for ignoring her. I can’t tell if she’s pissed at him for being a choad, or if she’s jealous that he was checking out another woman. I sincerely hope it’s the former, because the last thing the world needs is another retarded love triangle, particularly one that involves a childhood friend and a member of an ancient race. Vyse tries to lie his way out of Pippi’s wrath, desperately hoping she doesn’t look at the front of his pants. I get to make a choice, of all inane things, whether to apologize or to fib about staring at the Ultra Breasts. Vyse chooses to apologize, wanking about how he didn’t want to be impolite to such an awesome dancer. “What kind of excuse was that!? You’re undressing her with your eyes, not that it would take that long. You weren’t zooming in, were you?” Pippi demands. While she has a point, it’s not like he would need to zoom in. The boobs are right there. They are powerful.
Vyse thinks that Bellena has been checking him out. More boob shots, just so that their animation budget doesn’t go totally to waste. “Yeah, right. Fina, will you try and talk some sense into him?” Pippi sighs. But Fina agrees with Vyse, because she luuuuuuurves him. “Well, Vyse is very attractive… I don’t think it would be strange at all if that dancer was looking at him,” she dipshits. She gets a surprised look on her face as the camera switches back to Pippi, who is unaware that Bellena is standing behind her. Of course it’s time for the classic “say something rude while the person is right behind you” scene, har har. Although that type of thing is much better when set to music, a la Cartman’s song in the South Park Movie. “Vyse wouldn’t want someone like her… I mean… Who knows where she’s been?” Pippi grins. She notices Bellena at that point, and tries to cover up her last question by asking if Bellena travels a lot. But we’re not fooled — we know the question was about the activities of Bellena’s woman parts.
“Tell me something… You wouldn’t happen to be the group of Air Pirates that escaped from the Grand Fortress now, would you?” Bellena asks out of the blue. While it would be funny if they weren’t, well, obviousy they are. Vyse can’t believe she knows so much, but she just says that people in the tavern gossip a lot. Vyse totally buys this. Bellena sits down at their table, boobs flopping like a pair of mackerels shoved in a handkerchief. She has magically heard about their lack of a ship, although they haven’t talked to anyone about it except that one sailor. She offers them a ride. In her ship. And not her “ship of love.”
Pippi, immune to the power of the boobs, is skeptical that anyone would just randomly offer to help. “Let’s just say that anyone who can escape from the Valuan Grand Fortress interests me,” Bellena says, vaguely ominous. Without waiting for a reply, she tells the three of them to meet her at the dock the next morning. She calls Vyse handsome, blows him a kiss, and wags her ass at him. It’s so tough being an RPG hero. Well, I guess it is if you’re one of the gay ones and you constantly get the sweet female candy shoved in your face.
On the way out of the tavern, Vyse talks to the barkeep and finds out that Bellena has only been there a short time. Hm. Vyse thinks nothing of that, and goes to stay at the inn for free. It helps to have friends in slutty places.
Yeah, piece of luck.
We have obviously been dying to see what Drachma’s been up to in the twenty minutes since we last saw him. We’re in luck! The Little Jack sails through the dark sky, blissfully free of annoying teenagers. On the bridge, however, Drachma is having a crisis of conscience. “Should I have left those kids there? Bah! What am I worryin’ about? Someone else will take care of them. Most likely with her boobs.” But uh-oh! Just then, Drachma spots something way off in the distance. My underexposed recording does nothing to enlighten me as to what it might be. The camera does a helpful close-up, and it’s…well, it looks like a pink, penis-shaped ship, disappearing behind a floating boulder. Holy shit! …Yeah, I got nothin’. “Wait… that ship! It looks like…” Drachma begins. Fade out. Like what? It looks like what? God damn game designers.
We’ll have to find out what in the hell that ship looks like next time. In the meantime, let us ponder whether Belleza (the espionage expert of the Valuan Armada) and Bellena look exactly alike by chance, or if it’s something far more sinister. Hint: it’s the sinister one. Join me next time as I fight a giant penis monster. Yeah, that could be any game.