Last time, Vyse and Pippi the super pirates saved Fina and escaped the fortress of Valua using a giant penis. They also emasculated Galcian further, a feat which should be statistically impossible. After the group headed to the vowel-needy land of Nasr to find the first Moon Crystal, Drachma got sick of their constant yapping and left them in order to chase his giant purple whale.
Since the boobalicious dancer Bellena offered them the use of her ship for pretty much no reason whatsoever, Vyse and the others head out of the inn and down to the dock, where Bellena awaits. And she apparently doesn’t change into sweatpants and a t-shirt after she clocks out for the day. She greets the group with a voice-acted, “Hey, handsome” which I think might actually work on Vyse. I only bother to point this out because it’s so unusual in the games I recap. After some scintillating small talk, Bellena comments, “‘Only those who have walked through the desert can truly know its size,’ is a saying we have here in Nasr.” Apart from obvious phallic connotations, her point is that it’s impossible to cross the desert on foot, like this is some sort of revelation. Dogs know this. Of course, these are the Einsteins that have barely heard of a desert before, so this information might be necessary. “You’ll need a ship to cross it,” she finishes. REALLY?! I thought we’d just take a bus.
Vyse wonders if the docked ship is Bellena’s. The camera pulls back to show us a full view of the thing. If it were possible for a ship to look slutty, well, this would be the Britney Spears of airships. The whole thing is elaborately painted in pastel colors, complete with whore-paint eyes on either side at the front. Even the phallic prow has an ostentatious curlique on the tip. A harem tent sits on the deck, completing the entire ensemble. On second thought, it’s funny that Vyse had to ask if it belongs to Bellena.
‘But your Honor, the ship was asking for it!’
She’s all modest about her WhoreShip because she doesn’t have to be all attention-seeking over it. Meanwhile, Pippi has a few doubts about this whole overly-convenient scenario. Could it be that Pippi has a brain? As soon as she mentions these misgivings out loud, she might as well start packing her bags, because she’s going on a guilt trip. “You aren’t very grateful are you?” Bellena snots. “If you were dying of thirst, and someone offered you water, you would probably ask where it came from first.” Well, maybe if it was yellow. But Bellena’s statement is a classic warning sign of controlling behavior according to The Gift of Fear. Our second clue that Something Is Up.
If Bellena gave it to me, I probably wouldn’t want to know where it came from.
Pippi gets Angry Eyes over this insult. “…Alright. If you must know, then I’ll tell you,” Bellena says, turning away dramatically. Yeah, twist her arm. Attention whore. The camera swoops about drunkenly with the Poor Me, My Life Fucking Sucks music whining in the background. Bellena’s dad was a soldier, and her family was a bunch of povs. But they loved each other a whole bunch because they didn’t have anything like Gameboys and iPods to replace that sappy family stuff. Bellena turns back to look at the others, working her audience like a champ. She tells of the war 20 years ago between Valua and Nasr. “And my…my father came home and we were all happy and there were puppies and lollipops.” Just kidding, her dad bit it. “When he died, we had nothing… no food… nobody to support us… nobody to raise us… We had to live on the streets,” she wanksts heavily. Since these tragic stories can never be as simple as that, we have to add her mom’s subsequent death from grief and Bellena’s eventual prostitution career. At least, the latter can be ascertained from her statement, “And that is how I ended up living like… this.” Unless “this” refers to her excruciating dancing career and owning her own ship. Because fucking wah.
The proper response to this overly detailed sob story is, “That sucks. Hey, let’s go to the temple now!” Unfortunately, Fina is one of those people who buys into that shit like it’s going out of style. “Oh… Bellena… We’re so sorry… We had no idea…” Bellena soaks this up like a wanky sponge. “Ever since then, I’ve hated war. Hundreds of people die… Hundreds more families have to go through what I went through,” she drones on. During this spiel, Vyse, Pippi, and Fina stare at the ground. Pippi looks a little guilty. How dare she ask a pertinent question — she should have known that this woman suffered a tragedy 20 years ago and hasn’t gotten around to getting the fuck over it.
This wankst-o-rama comes full circle as Bellena insists that they use her ship to help prevent these aforementioned tragedies. Right now, I’m kind of thinking that it might be a good thing if the Gigas would wipe out a significant portion of these God damn whiners. But I don’t exactly get a choice. Well, I do, techinically, but the right choice is to agree to take the damn ship.
It should end there. But no. Pippi, in spite of her brush with intelligence earlier, has given in to the soul-sucking drama. She apologizes for the horrid things she said to Bellena a couple of minutes ago. “I lost my parents when I was young, too. I know what you went through…” Even the prostitution? Bellena forgives Pippi for her trangressions, but warns them not to “take [her] generosity for granted.” Well, it’s not really generous if you point out how generous you are, is it?
The scene is finally over, thank God. The drama and wankst meters were reaching dangerous levels, like with beeping and flashing and stuff. Now it’s time to hunt down that pesky Pyrynn Temple. It’s to the east. Hopefully it’s huge, with neon arrows pointing at it, so that clueless Vyse doesn’t get lost. On the way there, amidst the obligatory random battles, the group makes a Discovery. Which is good, because I’m kind of behind on those. It’s a floating island shaped like a bowl, filled with water. There’s even a cute little palm tree next to the water, to add atmosphere. Upon “discovering” the island, a little text window pops up with some “Thought You’d Like To Know” type stuff. In this case, it’s a bunch of bullshit science regarding the cause of the island’s flotation. In cases like this, it’s just best to let something be mysterious and cool. See also: midichlorians.
The ship approaches the temple, allowing us to get our first decent glimpse. It’s a pyramid with four cylindrical pillars arranged in a square in front of it. They’re a little bit squat to be the typical phallic object, but here at VGR, we celebrate all shapes and sizes of wangs. So penises it is. The Temple of Pyrynn is a Discovery as well, although I feel a little cheap considering that I sort of have to find this one. Plus, it wasn’t hard to find in the least — so why no one has stumbled across it in the last umpteen thousand years is quite the mystery. The Thought You’d Like To Know Box informs us that the temple was created a long fucking time ago and was technologically advanced for its time. “No clues are left that point to the purpose behind these huge creations,” it finishes ominously.
PENISES!
After landing, the camera zooms past the parked WhoreShip and stops on the quartet standing at the bottom of the stairs. They’re staring up at the four stone penises. Pippi is greatly impressed, especially after seeing Galcian recently. “It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” she gushes, although she has technically seen much larger schlongs. Vyse is more impressed with the architectural and construction details, as he is straight and would not be interested in the phallic imagery. “Deep within this temple lies the Red Crystal. Be careful, though… According to Silvite lore, it is guarded by hordes of creatures,” Fina unnecessarily explains, like it’s some amazing revelation that there will be monsters in a dungeon. Wow, that’s new for this game! Not to mention every other RPG in existence! Thanks, Silvites.
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Somewhere, Galcian shrivels into a tiny ball of jealousy.
At this point, they would get going, but first Pippi wants to know what Bellena will do. Although there’s an empty space in the party, Bellena doesn’t think her outfit is conducive to battling monsters. She’s obviously never played FFX-2. But kudos to her for having a wee bit of common sense — I don’t especially need to see those hooters flapping and swinging about in the melee. Vyse can’t just let this go without firmly ensconcing his boot in his mouth: “Well, it might be a little rough in there for a beautiful woman, like yourself…” Now, I’m not crazy about screeching catfight crap, but in this case, I don’t really blame Pippi for taking a bit of offense on behalf of herself and Fina. I mean, it was kind of a dickheaded thing for Vyse to say. “Come on, Fina. Let’s leave macho man behind and get the Crystal ourselves,” Pippi suggests. “Hehehe… That might be kind of fun. We’d probably get it faster without him,” Fina giggles. And another naughty and anatomically incorrect fanfiction is born. Also, we see here that it’s possible for women to give guys a hard time without coming across as screeching harpies. FFVIII, I’m looking at you. Vyse gets all flustered, unable to extricate himself from this particular hole he dug for himself. Heh, I said “hole.”
Oh, I’m sure you would.
Bellena laughs at this exchange, commenting on how funny Vyse is. “Well… I’m sure a beautiful woman like yourself has got herself a much, Much, MUCH better guy than… Mr. Foot In His Mouth…” Pippi remarks. Hee. Bellena, suddenly shy, admits that she isn’t boffing anyone right now. “Well, there is someone that I’m in love with… But he would never even give me a second look… Plus, he’s got this tiny penis… And he’s always hanging around this really girly guy…” she basically says.
But whoa, they’re totally off topic and stuff, so Bellena tells them to get going. More small talk, then it’s time to enter the Temple of the Four Phalluses. Vyse ascends a gigantic stone staircase to reach the door, which has a convenient save point directly to the side. Thanks, ancient civilization! Four smaller penis-headed statues line the wall next to the entrance. The architecture of the temple is patterned after Mayan or Aztecan architecture, I believe, only with more penises. Fortunately for the game designers, I’m not extremely familiar with ancient Central American civilizations, so if any culture rape takes place here, I wouldn’t know.
The Temple of Pyrynn, as we’ve already learned, is the fire dungeon of the game. And it’s no exception to the Shove Dungeon Theme Up The Ass Repeatedly rule. Our first hint of flames comes in the form of the torches that line the wall of the tunnel that leads down into the bowels of the earth. Now, I have to make a confession — as much as I will snark on it, I actually like the Temple of Pyrynn. It’s cool-looking, it would take a retarded sea cucumber to get lost in it, and there are some interesting puzzles. I’m sure that the more hardcore gamers may complain about the lack of difficulty, but not everything has to be a damn Silent-Hill-on-difficult-mode level dungeon. The point is, kudos to the game designers where kudos are due. Now back to your regularly-scheduled sarcasm.
Vyse encounters a large cylindrical stone that kind of looks like an old-fashioned beer keg. To reach the other doorway, he has to basically log roll on the stone. And I don’t mean that euphemistically. This stone sets up the dungeon’s several puzzles, which is why I bothered to mention it. And not because I’m writing filler. God, no.