Sperm Pokemon floats around Fina’s head, grinning vacantly and squeaking. Vyse and Fina want to know what the fuck it is. “It’s been with me ever since I was a baby. It’s from my homeland… It can change its shape… And it’s usually shaped like a bracelet around my arm,” Fina explains. Oh, God. The disturbing fanfiction possibilities. Oh, Jesus. The tears of blood, they won’t stop. Pippi agrees with me that SP is rather cute, and Fina finally gives us its name: Cupil. Fina tells Cupil to say hello, and it responds with, “Cupil!” So it is like a Pokemon. Or more precisely, like Timmy from South Park. So we have its new name.
Pippi wants to gush over Timmy some more, but Vyse cuts her short by reminding them that they should get going. Oh, right, the plot of the game. According to Pippi, their first obstacle is whether or not Dyne will allow them to go. “What are you worried about? Even if he does say no, we’ll just go anyway!” Vyse says. After all, they’ve got a phallic cannon that isn’t about to let anyone stand in its way. “Once we’re finished getting everything ready, we’ll leave from the underground port!” Vyse informs me, so I don’t wander around aimlessly. Sadly, I’m not being sarcastic here. Captain Drachma still says nothing, this time pondering if it’s possible to eyeroll yourself to death.
Loading ...After Fina officially joins the battle party (hooray) and bestows her Silver Moon Stone upon Vyse, it’s time to check out the village a bit. The last time we were in town, things didn’t look so good. Everything was all burned and shit. Now, children are playing, housewives are gossiping, and everyone is continuing to smooch the hell out of Vyse’s fine underage ass. Best of all, the turnips are all back to normal. WHEW.
Once assured that the village has been completely restored within five minutes of everyone’s return, Vyse heads to the underground port. The effeminate young Luke the Raider totally hits on him for being such a strong brute man. He hints at a potential relationship with Dyne the Maybe-Gay Ass Pirate. Hmm…not sure if I wanted to know that or not. As Vyse tears himself away from this divine redhead, my VMU starts beeping in an annoying fashion. It’s not my controller weeping in agony, but instead Timmy begging for food, not unlike my dog. It senses something called a Cham — which is a fancy term for “Moon Stone shard” — nearby, and this causes the little sperm Pokemon to start freaking out. Instead of asking why the damn thing is being so fucking annoying, Pippi is instead stuck on the fact that anything could eat Moon Stones. Of all Timmy’s attributes, I would say that one is the least strange, but different strokes, I guess. The great news is that these Chams are located all over the world, and Timmy will start squeaking like a retarded mouse on speed every time I’m near one. This is me looking joyous and excited. At least it will become stronger the more it eats. And by “stronger” I of course mean “only sucking a fraction of the ass as previously.”
‘How did you know I was hard during all of that?’
After collecting the Cham, Vyse slides down a pole to the lower level as I giggle naughtily. There, he finds his parents waiting for him at the walkway (gangplank?) to the Little Jack. Dyne notices Vyse’s super-serious expression, and wonders for a moment if his son has become a Xenosaga fanboy. But when Vyse doesn’t break out with a thirty minute spiel on how deep and philosophical a freaking video game is, Dyne breathes a sigh of relief. The bug up Vyse’s butt is, of course, that he’s worried about what his dad will think of him leaving. To Vyse’s surprise, Dyne not only isn’t pissed, but he wants Vyse to go out and see the world. In other words, he doesn’t want his son to be living at home when he’s 30, jacking it to Evangelion body pillows.
“From now on, you are my equal, son. A man who lives by the skies. There is nothing more honorable than that…” Dyne blahs, like flying an airship isn’t something any old RPG hero can do. Dyne razzes Vyse a bit over being late on everything except getting the hell away from his parents. Welcome to the world of teenagers, Dyne. Vyse tries to interject, probably with more of his sappy tripe, but my hero Dyne cuts him off and tells him to get the hell out there and make something of himself.
Vyse’s mom, on the other hand, chooses the passive-aggressive route. She tries to act all happy and proud of him, but interjects little gems such as, “I knew this day would be coming sometime. It’s just… It’s just that it came a lot sooner than I expected… or hoped.” She smiles “sweetly” as she says this. She yaps on some more about going after his dreams, making it quite obvious where Vyse gets his rambling tendencies from.
Sadly, I think all that dialogue was optional. When Vyse goes to board the ship, the true cut scene begins. Fucking Fina thanks everyone again. “I hope that I will be able to repay all of you, someday,” she gushes. You can repay me by shutting up for once. I mean, I’m glad she’s not a big jerk and just expecting everyone to put everything aside to rescue her ass every five minutes, but Christ.
I’m sure this is verbatim in a dirty doujinshi somewhere.
There’s some more jibberjabber with goodbyes and good lucks, and “Are you sure you want to go?” “Yes, I want to have an adventure just like I’ve mentioned ten thousand times already” “It would fucking suck if the Valuans used the Gigas”, etc. This game wins the award for the most excessive use of filler dialogue. And I don’t say that lightly. Even after all of that, Vyse wanks, “And… well, to be completely honest… I’ve always wanted to sail the world, and this is my chance…” As if he’s been totally secretive about it the entire time. Cripes, we freaking get it. Dogs get it. Good God. Vyse and Pippi blabber on in this vein for a while longer, and Fina closes the scene with — wait for it — another bubbly round of thanks. Pardon me while I shoot myself. I am beyond coming up with a more creative mode of death right now, since my brains have leaked out my ears and are now pooled around my feet.
Vyse decides that now would be a good time to find out where the Crystals are actually located. Fina doesn’t know exact whereabouts, of course, but she knows that there is one in each of the six different lands. Of course they’re not going to be all in one spot, as that would be too easy and too unusual. The two closest moons to Pirate Isle are the Yellow Moon (Valua) and the Red Moon (Nasr). Dyne Einsteins that Valua might not be the safest place for them at the moment. That leaves the near-vowelless land of Nasr. We have already been there, so it’s on the map. Small favors, I guess.
Nasr is blocked by a stone reef, the proper name for the aforementioned boulder wall. Now that they have the Penis Cannon, they can easily penetrate the reef. Okay, sure. I don’t remember how they managed to get to Nasr before they had the Harpoon Cannon, but I’m sure someone will fill me in on the boards. “Sounds like a plan. We’re heading East to Nasr and we’re going to get that Red Moon Crystal,” Vyse says. Thank God Vyse is there to repeat every single piece of information. Finally, Drachma gets sick of listening to this bullshit and is all, “Let’s get the fuck out of here already. Jesus.”
But not yet! “Well… Dad, I guess it’s time to say good-bye,” Vyse begins. Dyne refrains from saying, “God damn, you jabber just like your mother,” and simply tells his son to not fuck anything up. As everyone heads toward the bridge or wherever, Fina turns to Vyse’s parents and bows one more fricking time. I hate everyone and everything right now.
Thank Jesus I’m finally on the airship screen. Now is the fun part where I get to fly around halfway lost, fighting random battles against laughably easy monsters. After a few wrong turns (shut up), the Little Jack and its occupants arrive at one of the Nasrian islands. On the bridge of the Little Jack, Pippi comments that “there’s nothing but sand.” You see, each of the lands has to have a distinctive feature. In other words, something that the game designers shove down your throat. In this case, Nasr is a desert. And of course, our favorite Ass Pirates, having never been anywhere before, can only repeat what they’ve been told of such wonders. Vyse is all, “I’ve heard of deserts before.” And Pippi is all, “Now that you mention it, I’ve heard sailors talking about them, too.” These Ass Pirates are the biggest shut-ins ever. Hell, I’ve seen a desert, and I don’t even have free air transportation.
Pippi’s comment segues into a still cartoon picture of Vyse, his hair in flames from the burning sun, with Pippi and Fina shrieking and dumping water on him. This accompanies Pippi’s tall tale about deserts. “They said that the Nasr deserts are so hot, if you walk around in the sun too long, your hair catches on fire! Everyone carries buckets of water around with them, so they can put their friends’ hair out. And then…” Vyse recognizes this for the pile of bullshit that it is, going so far as to wonder about Pippi’s diseased brain. The action returns to the bridge, where Pippi — with full blow-job face — whines, “Don’t come crying to me when your head bursts into flames… That glass eyepatch you wear will intensify the sun’s rays and fry your brain.” Hee. Before I can make a comment about whether or not this would be an improvement, Pippi breaks down and admits that she was making it all up. I never would have guessed. Fina explains that the Red Moon Stones give off heat and therefore are responsible for the desert climate. And here I thought moons were simply chunks of rock. Also, who would have guessed that Red Moon = fire? Next you’re going to be telling me that Green Moon = plants or something.
“I see… There isn’t much down there besides sand and rock. The Red Moon Crystal should be hidden somewhere in the desert, right?” Vyse morons. No, it’s in the God damn river. Fina either doesn’t notice or doesn’t let on to how completely obvious that statement was. She affirms it, and even goes so far as to tell them where, exactly, the Red Moon Crystal is located — the ancient Temple of Pyrynn. Wait, I thought she said she didn’t know exactly where the Moon Crystals were located. Maybe all the thank-yous filled up that valuable brain space and now that she got rid of some of them, she’s freed it up…I’m fanwanking, aren’t I? Anyway, Pyrynn = Pyre and Pyre = Fire and Red Moon = Hot = Fire. GET IT?! Pippi goes on and on about how there’s probably lots of treasure in the temple as well, just in case we forgot that these guys are Ass Pirates and Ass Pirates like treasure.
Pippi randomly states that if they find treasure they’ll be able to buy stuff, then asks what Fina would buy with the treasure. Since they’ve already made such a huge deal about how all the treasure goes to the needy and thus Pippi wouldn’t be buying anything anyway, this is simply an awkward way to have Fina inform us that she doesn’t know what “buying” means. So she knows all this shit about the entire history of the world, even down to where the Crystals are, but she doesn’t know the concept of buying shit? Okay, sure. Pippi is shocked, shocked! that Fina is ignorant in this way. “I… I’m terribly sorry. I’ve never seen the rest of the world before, and…” Fina Mary Sues. “You don’t need to look very far to find a shop… Everyone buys stuff… It’s… it’s normal,” Pippi wanks. “Well, Fina, you really don’t get out much, do you?” Oh, that’s nice. Also, isn’t that a wee bit of the old Pot-Kettle syndrome? So now that Fina has had it shoved in her face that she’s a fucking freak, she simply wears her Sad Face as the scene fades out.
I hear you.
We have absolutely no resolution to this exchange, which is just as well, because I don’t need to deal with any pouting. Instead, Pippi decides that they need to stop in the closest city, Maramba. “I’m too old for this…” Drachma spouts randomly. This is thrown in so the upcoming plot point isn’t totally out of the blue, even though it is.
To my extremely great surprise, Maramba is only a short distance away, meaning that I don’t have to get lost again. The camera pans over the town a bit, highlighting its deserty Arabian architecture. Gigantic flames burn atop numerous towers. I get that they’re going for a whole fire theme here, but why the fuck do they need oversized torches in a hot desert city? What will it take for the game designers to believe me that WE FREAKING GET IT?