Skies of Arcadia
Part 1
"I love my live, gay, stuck in the 80’s dad."
It’s all about the Ass Pirates…er, Air Pirates. See, the main characters are pirates and they fly through the skies on an airship instead of walking around an overworld map. And they rescue a girl from a strange land, and the main character’s dad doesn’t know that the 80’s are over.
Part 2
"A field day for Freud."
While Vyse and Pippi are out on a fetch quest, something bad happens to their village. Can you believe it? Dyne learns an important lesson on how to best name your village so as to not attract the notice of the Imperial Armada. Well no, he doesn’t, but he would if I were there to teach him. No, not like that, you sickos.
Part 3
"A Little Jackin’"
Poor Dyne, Fina, and the other Ass Pirates. Their only hope is Vyse and Pippi. Unfortunately, the two of them get sidetracked about a million times, thanks to a purple whale and a black pirate. Vyse and Pippi also make it obvious that they’ve never been anywhere before, even though they’re pirates. Whatever.
Part 4
"Deep Thoughts by Vyse"
The trio finally manages to reach Valua and formulate a plan to save the captured Ass Pirates. Does it work? I’ll spoil the surprise for you — it does. However, the amount of time Vyse spends preaching far outnumbers the amount of time it took to save his damn dad. Why to the game designers hate me so much?
Part 5
"An escape like we’ve never seen before…really….yeah……"
Vyse and Pippi finally make it out of Valua with Fina in tow. Their reward is some redundant exposition. Now that our extremely necessary Mary Sue rescue is out of the way, we can get on with the next completely unusual plotline — collecting crystals before the bad guys get to them. It must take years of education and practice to come up with a plot like this.
Part 6
"20,000 Penises Under the Sand."
Vyse, Pippi, and Fina retrieve the Moon Crystal out of the Temple of Pyrynn, only to find out they’ve been tricked and now there’s a four-penised Gigas after their asses. From the beginning to the end of the recap, it’s a flurry of penises — phallic ships, phallic monsters, and phallic architecture. Somewhere, Galcian is crying himself to sleep.
Part 7
"It sucks and blows."
Welcome to the South Ocean, where the player starts to ponder various ways to commit suicide using items close at hand. Shall it be blunt trauma via the controller? How about cutting the wrists using the game CD? Or maybe just a good, old-fashioned strangulation with one of the many console cords? In any case, Vyse and the others make it through this gauntlet of pain with only my mental scars to show for it. And then the locals turn out to be a bunch of jerks. The Land of the Green Moon sucks!
Part 8
"Penises, priests, Pokemon, pricks, and pedophiles!"
The second half of our double recap is less about raising my blood pressure and more about boring me to death. After a completely unchallenging battle against De Loco and his snap-on tools, Vyse and the others must navigate a dungeon full of booby traps. And by “traps,” I mean “annoying trapdoors that send me back to the God damn beginning.” If you don’t find that description absolutely riveting…well, then you might actually be normal.
Part 9
"Riddles, Rixis, and Retards."
After I spend half the recap bitching about the battle system, Vyse and the dipshit brigade decode a riddle and find the Lost City of Rixis. Instead of buildings made of gold, they find an annoying dungeon and a creepy stalker. It’s kind of like going to an anime convention.
Part 10
"Gumby’s Rampage."
If the king of Ixa’taka weren’t such a giant, insufferable dickcheese and if Vyse weren’t such a bleeding heart wanker butthole, I might have been able to skip all the events of this recap. Of course, that’s not the case, so not only does King Dickcheese fuck things up in a spectacular way, but Vyse decides the best course of action is to clean up after his idiotic mistakes, saving the horrid land of Ixa’taka in the process. I shudder to think what’s next in the Game Designers Hate Me Shitfest, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it involved a Tidus-shaped barbed wire dildo. My life sucks.
Part 11
"Thar he blows!"
I am so happy to be out of that shitty forested hellhole known as Ixa’taka, I almost don’t care about all the annoying things that happen in this recap. Aside from some boring battles against cannon fodder ships and a one-note villain, most of the action involves Vyse, Drachma, and a big purple whale. Drachma’s tragic backstory is revealed, and now we know why he has such a hate-on for Rhaknam. And no, it’s not because the whale makes his ship look small and unimpressive. Although it could be that, too. And then everyone dies (maybe).