King Triton doesn’t want the key bearer hanging out in his ocean, and I don’t blame him. According to him, the key bearer shatters peace and brings ruin upon the world he’s in, leading Junior to look pouty at this disrespect to the Keyblade Masta and Goofy to jump in with a half-hearted defense of his buddy. King Triton won’t hear of it. After a “don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”, Kingy departs, leaving Junior to ponder his fate and stroke his Keyblade in silence.
Meanwhile, Ariel sits in a pretty little rock garden, weeping her eyes out. Oh, there, there, honey, it’s all right. Your daddy’s just a big ol’ meanie and he doesn’t understand you!11!! Go write about it in your blog and all your friends will come out to tell you how horrible he treats you and if they didn’t live 2,345,657 miles away, why, they’d come get you right this minute and you could move into their ocean! Of course, what you don’t know is that your teenie best friend is really a sweat-stained truck-driver named Earl who only talks to you to get some of your sweet candy one night in the back of his Peterbilt.
And sure as anything, here come Flotsam and Jetsam to play on Ariel’s weepy interlude, tea and sympathy written all over them like writing. Ursula the Sea Witch could help her, they ooze, rising into the water and spinning into a black cloud of ink, out of which comes Ursula at her schmoozy, saccharine best.
A note to you impressionable kids out there — if two shadowy henchmen figures come upon you in your hour of sorrow offering help from a known baddie, don’t take them up on it! However, Ariel will serve as my case in point, since she obviously didn’t get such handy wisdom of the ages in time. Ursula charms her way around Ariel, promising that she could see other worlds if she’d only share her “something special” with Ursula. Folks, I see a “I was a Teen-age Mermaid Hooker” after-school special in Ariel’s future at the rate she’s going. Ursula talks Ariel into sneaking her back into the palace, since that’s where Ursula assumes the Keyhole has to be. She and Ariel are polite enough to wait on Junior to arrive before finishing up the scene, so off we go to get back to the palace, escorted by a phalanx of Spermy-Ghosts.
Once there, we find out that Ursula only wanted to steal King Triton’s Trident-Penis, which she holds aloft, cackling with glee. King Triton lays off to one side, looking thoroughly emasculated while Ariel looks on in horror. Well, what did you expect, silly girl? That your charm and good looks would be enough to make a dyed-in-the-wool baddie change her world domination plans just so you could go sightseeing and shopping in Neverland? Honestly. Kids these days.
Ursula makes a huge speech as a prelude to sending Ariel off to “the dark world of the Heartless”, attention-whoring all over the damned place. However, there’s a snag. See, Flotsam and Jetsam can’t find the blasted Keyhole. To add to Ursula’s woes, here comes Junior, @#%$!!!, and Goofy hot on the trail and ready to kick some baddie ass. Ursula smirks, telling Junior “you’re too late, handsome” and jets away in another cloud of noxious ink. Oh, bitch, you are SO going down now. Nobody disses the adjective handsome in my presence, nobody.
Kingy is understandably upset that Ursula has absconded with his Trident-Penis and he wants it back, pronto. Only, he’s feeling a bit poorly right this minute, so could Junior and the others just pop on over to Ursula’s and get it back for him? Junior, his little toast-rack chest swelling with pride, is on the case. And I’d like to point out that I have seen Junior’s naked, pre-teen chest for far longer than is healthy for me in the course of this recap. I like my men old, grouchy, and scruffy as all get-out, except when I don’t. Junior in his current incarnation does not lead me to make that exception to the rules except for the rule about “thou shall not kill.” Before he can go, though, Ariel gets up in his face, demanding that she come along. It’s all her fault, see, and she’s got to do something! Against my better judgment, I take her up on the offer and kick Goofy out of my party. It’ll work, just trust me on this.
As luck would have it, King Triton has known all along that the trick to defeating Ursula is to strike her cauldron with magic. It’s the source of her power, he says, lounging weakly on his throne, and if you take it out, you’ll take her out, too. First of all, Kingy, Atlantica is your world to rule as you see fit. How hard would it be to pass a “no cauldrons” law in your kingdom and nip this problem in the bud? Do I have to do all your thinking for you? Jesus Christ monkeyballs, I may as well change my last name to Cheney right now and save myself some trouble. Then I can tell people to go fuck off in public and not get my ass kicked. Bonus!
Outside the palace, there’s a new Heartless to fight, a huge balloon-looking thing. They remind me of those “bubbles” from The Prisoner, being held up by three Aquaman Heartless. I’m just going to call them Balloon Heartless and spare us all another weird pop-culture reference. Junior, @#%$!!! and Ariel battle their way through the Balloon Heartless and other underwater impediments until they reach the Sunken Ship to do battle with the shark for the last time. After that, Sebastian shows up to finally do something useful, opening a passageway that’s been blocked by a huge rock with a stylized drawing of a sea monster on it by pushing a golden block thing into the wall. Through the passageway lies Ursula’s Grotto and the ending of this prolonged torture, so Junior and the others waste no time in getting their asses in gear.
To get to Ursula’s Grotto, you have to traverse the Den of Tides, a strangely purple-ish place full of Spermy-Ghosts and weird little sea worms that are actually kind of cute. Off in one side chamber are goodies and a save point, a sure indicator of the boss fight to come. Hey, I don’t even care at this point. I’d strap Ursula to the top of my house naked in a thunderstorm holding a lightning rod if it means that I can finally shut this game off and do something constructive, like become a Luddite and swear off video games forever.
Inside Ursula’s Grotto, @#%$!!! and Sebastian do some bravado-fueled shouting while Ursula stares them down. Of course, they freak out once she actually gets in position to do some ass-kicking, the wimps. That leaves Junior and Ariel to take the initiative and our first battle with Ursula starts off with a bang. Flotsam and Jetsam are along for the ride to make things interesting, and Junior leaves them to @#%$!!! and Ariel, while he fires magic into Ursula’s cauldron to make it backfire and hit her, knocking her out and leaving her vulnerable to physical attacks. The whole time, the fight music has the voice actors for Flotsam and Jetsam on the soundtrack whispering “no escape” in a vaguely menacing way. Bad thing is they sound something like Samara from The Ring. If I hear “seven days” at any point from here on out, I will not be responsible for my actions, and I’d like that on record. My first act, of course, will be to make a copy of my recap tape and making someone else watch it. I don’t want to suffer alone, here.
As it turns out, Ariel can hold her own in the fight, and with enough potions and ethers equipped, she does a damn fine job of keeping everyone healthy. She’s also got a wicked cool spinning attack that does a nice amount of physical damage. Who’da thunk it? Ursula’s defeat takes some time, but eventually she and her hench-eels are down for the count, and Flotsam and Jetsam disappear in a blaze of green flames to wherever it is good hench-eels go when they die. Ursula, never one to let a little setback like that slow her down, vows vengeance on our kids as she takes off in a spray of bubbles. Now, maybe it was meant to show Ursula’s great speed in leaving, but it looked to me like maybe ol’ Urse is a bit on the gassy side. Some Beano should clear that right up, hon.
Since Ursula still has the Trident-Penis, Ariel insists we follow her to her other secret lair just off from Calm Depths that’s been inaccessible due to a strong current in the other direction. Of course, now that we have Mermaid Kick (which sounds like a chorus line move, but what the hell do I know) from the first battle, we can now get to the place with little difficulty. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she’s replaced Flotsam and Jetsam with laser-beam headed sharks. Only one way to find out, and that’s to head into the “???” chamber, which Junior and the others do with some trepidation.
There’s a short cut scene ahead of this battle with Ursula proclaiming that she rules the seas now. I can tell you that I don’t even have to refer back to my recap tape to know exactly what she says, after watching this particular cut scene more times than I care to count. However, this time, our kids are mondo-leveled, buff and studly, and this octo-bitch is going to go down faster than Paris Hilton. It doesn’t even matter that after her proclamation of world domination, Ursula triples in size, a seething mass of big-haired, red lipsticked horror second only to my Auntie Velma in her Sunday best. A snide little comment from the Brady Guide states that Ursula’s “immense size finally matches her immense ego”, and that comment coming from Dan Birlew makes me think. It makes me think about pots, kettles, and the color black.
Give your Auntie Ursula a kiss, sweetie!
The trick to this fight is to keep Junior focused on Ursula’s head. No, I don’t care what the guides say about swimming out when Ursula unleashes a magic attack, or tricky evasion tactics, they’re only there to make the writer feel better about doing the exact same thing I’m doing now and make the poor people who read the guides spend way too long on this fight. Ariel and @#%$!!! take up the customary back-up healer positions while Junior goes to town, giving Ursula a migraine the size of a K-car. Five minutes later, it’s all over, save reuniting King Triton with his Trident-Penis and obligatory Keyhole rape.
Fortunately, with the magic of game designer laziness, we don’t have to swim all the way back to Triton’s Throne; we’re just there, witnessing a father-daughter reunion and tearful apologies. King Triton admits that by refusing to let Ariel follow her heart, he set himself up for his later castration at Ursula’s hands, and that he broke the Crystal Trident because it had the power to reveal the Keyhole way back at that stage in the world, where, God willing, this whole experience could have ended and I’d have had fewer grey hairs. Instead, I’ve got a hangover from countless nights of binge drinking and the feeling that my tongue has been replaced by carpeting last visited by an incontinent poodle named Muffin. But now, ole Kingy wants Junior to do what we’d originally come here to do, and he sheepishly asks if Junior will seal the Keyhole. Well of course we will, Kingy! I’m not going to insult anyone’s intelligence by repeating the bits of dialogue that come next. Let’s just head to Ariel’s Grotto and get this over with.
On the way out, we’re rewarded with a spell upgrade. If you didn’t have thunder magic when you got here, now you’ll have it. If you did, you’ll get Thundara. You’ll also get Ansem’s Report #3. Piddly rewards for the hell this place has put me through, but beggars can’t be choosers. Maybe I can fry the place on my way out and Oogie-Boogie can stop over for a real Cajun taste treat later on.
Inside Ariel’s Grotto, Ariel hold up the Trident-Penis and gets it to resonate with the Shimmery Trident of Non-Obvious Clues, and squicky as that is to contemplate, at this stage, I don’t care. She could do a full-on pole dance with the thing, just make with the Keyhole already! Mercifully, the Keyhole makes its appearance as a translucent block floating just above the Shimmery Trident of Non-Obvious Clues so Junior can take his pleasure and lock the thing. Once locked, it disappears in a mass of happy bubbles. Ariel ends this scene gushing about wanting to see other worlds one day, and she just knows she’ll get there one day. Sebastian caps our little interlude with some “comic” whining. That Sebastian, what a pussy. As a final parting gift, Ariel gives Junior a new Keychain, the Crabclaw. Fortunately, this thing’s pretty spiffy, and I’ll be sure to use it lots and lots, until the next Keychain upgrade comes along. B’uh bye now, Ariel, thanks for everything, and we’ll be sure to come back to visit one day, preferably on the Exxon Valdez.
And now, I’ve only one thing left to say. This recap is OVAH. Done. Stick a fork in me, I’m so numb from chugging down boilermakers I’ll never even feel it. Join me next time when we visit Halloween Town and I can begin to put the past behind me with Jack Skellington, the cutest little ghost dog ever and tons of sugary treats. Candy makes it all better, or so my Auntie Velma says. Mmmmm, candy.