After saving, Junior and the others follow Pinocchio into what is called chamber 1. Apparently there is no esophagus, because one moment they’re in Monstro’s mouth and the next they’re in what I’m assuming is his stomach. Beats the shit out of me. The whole area is a sickly shade of purple covered in multi-colored, glowing spots, and the entire room is quivering slightly, like a Jello mold. Ew. Pinocchio’s staring out at them from a blue, glowing doorway across the chamber. Junior lectures him like the babysitter who’s been with the kid seven hours and just wants to go home and pop some Vicodin. In other words, he’s channeling the feelings Kelly and I have while recapping him. “Pinocchio, stop fooling around!” he bitches. “This is no time for games!” As Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy are walking away, Riku shows up at this exact moment in the guise of the Irony Police. “But [Junior], I thought you liked games.” I’m sure all you Junior/Riku fans on the message board are writing this down in your little steno notebooks as “evidence” right now. Just remember: every time you mention these two having dirty underage sex, I kill a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.

What are YOU doing here?

The camera slowly pans up on Riku’s yellow wetsuit-clad body, as if to keep us in suspense as to who is talking. Ooh, effective. Riku, with a twinge of grade-school bitterness and sarcasm, adds, “Or are you too cool to play them now that you have the Keyblade?” Junior is surprised to see Riku, but then again he’s probably surprised when he sees the sun come up every morning. Riku tells him that he’s “playing with Pinocchio.” I’m sure Geppedo is going to be VERY upset about that. His toys aren’t FREE, you know. Junior screws up his face–somewhere between crying and trying to take a dump–as he shrills, “You know what I mean! What about [Token]? Did you find her?” God-I-hate-Junior-I-just-want-to-die-please-kill-me. I should start compiling photo evidence of the physical pain this game has caused me (like the big red claw marks on my face right now) so I can sue Squeenix in the future. And before I start getting a bunch of “OMG IF U DONT LIEK IT DONT PLAY IT” emails, I’m joking, so you can untwist your panties and close your email programs now.

Riku enjoys screwing with Junior’s head–stop perverting what I say, Junior/Riku fans–and so tells Junior that maybe he does know where Miss Perky Giggles is. “Catch us and maybe I’ll tell you what I know.” Riku leaves this vaguely sexual statement hanging in the air, grabs Pinocchio by the arm and runs off, with Junior gaping like a moron after him as usual. As soon as Riku exits, the room fills with Heartless. In the ten-second battle that follows, @%$#!!! actually manages to retain one or two of his magic points. I’m stunned.

Now that Riku has run off with Pinocchio, it’s Junior’s job to follow his friend enemy playmate completely platonic rival through Monstro’s many-chambered stomach. I don’t care enough to actually consult a diagram of a whale’s organs, but I’m sure we can safely assume this dungeon makes no anatomical sense whatsoever. It makes no RPG dungeon sense, either, but this is Kingdom Hearts. I consult the ass-tastic strategy guide for advice on getting through this place and also collecting all the available treasure; it, as usual, is not worth the glossy paper it’s printed on. I don’t know whether to blame Dan Birlew and Bradygames for sucking at the one thing they do for a living, Square for designing this fucking nightmare in the first place, or myself for being a whining helpless baby and needing a strat guide at all. Regardless, between the basic information in the guide and my own common sense (something very lacking in the book), Junior bounces and slashes his way through six different chambers full of Heartless (and some chambers are multi-leveled). Fortunately for you guys, I screamed my little heart out over tiny ledges and platforms and falling down a lot in the last recap, and though the problem is about twenty times worse here, I think I’ve harped on it enough.

How are they escaping when no one else can?

Anyway. Junior, Goofy, and @%$#!!! fight many a Heartless (including MORE pot and barrel spiders), collect many a gummi (and maybe one or two good items) and enter the final chamber. Riku is in the middle of a conversation with Maleficent. She’s under the impression that Riku still gives a crap about Junior. “He has all but deserted you, for the Keyblade and his new companions, after all.” I think we’re supposed to think that Maleficent is filling Riku’s head with evil dirty lies, because JUNIOR REALLY CARES ABOUT HIS FRIENDS, but the woman speaks the truth. Preach ON, sistah-girl. Riku denies having any such feelings, and Mal’s all, “Yeah, uh-huh, I believe you, sure.” She just gets on my good side with the Junior-bashing, but then has to add her usual warning about the DAAAAAAAAAARKNESS!!! Seriously. We are all really getting it on this side of the TV screen. We were all getting it five hours ago. We understand the irony. Please SHUT UP already.

Really and truly? Darkness?

Riku takes exception to all this, but from the Angsty Glare™ he shoots her way as she disappears through a dark portal, we’re all supposed to reach the conclusion that Riku is totally drowning in the daaaaaaaaaaarkness. Like he was a right ray of sunshine before. Jeez. We fade out on the glare, and back in as Pinocchio toddles through the same chamber. Junior and Co. are chasing him, and run into Riku as he watches the puppet amble past into the next area. Junior cries up at Riku, “What’s the matter with you? What are you thinking? Don’t you realize what you’re doing?” I’d like to know when Junior decided he was the Moral Fucking Authority of Kingdom Hearts. Oh, wait, he is, because he’s Pure and Noble and the Shining Light and Riku is Dark and Sinister and Eeeeeevil. HOW COULD I FORGET.

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Riku and I are on the same brainwave or something, because he evenly replies, “I was just about to ask you the same thing, [Junior].” To my utter delight, he continues, “You only seem interested in running around and showing off that Keyblade these days.” I’m choosing to ignore the fact that Riku is probably just a little motivated by jealousy when he says this. We zoom in on the Keyblade in Junior’s hand (and there’s a tingly little metal sound effect for some reason, even though the weapon is stock still right now). Riku asks the question that’s been burning in my mind all game long: “Do you even want to save [Token]?” Junior answers in the affirmative, and even he doesn’t sound convinced by his answer. Wow, a little self-awareness from our hero? The end is nigh.

Before Junior can try and fail to take the moral high ground some more, everyone hears Pinocchio wailing in terror. Junior takes this opportunity to save at the save point which materializes at this moment under his clown shoes, and then follows Riku into Monstro’s bowels. Yes, you read that right. The party is currently located in the ass of a giant space whale. Take a moment to let that sink in. Done screaming? Okay. We can see now that the bowels of a giant space whale look like a large circular room with a purple, sphincter-shaped, pulsating floor. You’re welcome. Pinocchio is in the middle of this place, in the jaws of a monster called the Parasite Cage. Yes, it looks like a big cage. How did you ever guess? Junior and Riku decide to cooperate in order to free the little bastard from his purple Heartless prison. I’m so happy that this isn’t one of those battles where I have to avoid hurting the imprisoned character and kill the baddie (it’s not possible to hurt Pinocchio) that I’ll refrain from complaining about how hard it is to reach the monster’s tiny head (the only part of it that takes damage). Consistently reaching the head by jumping isn’t really possible, so instead, Junior stands on the starting ledge and shoots fireballs at the head. Now, this creates a problem as well. See, @%$#!!! and Goofy are governed by AI. This means that they’re supposed to take the initiative in any given battle and start attacking and whatnot. In this battle, since Junior is just going to camp out near the exit and use magic, @%$#!!! and Goofy decide that they’re not going to jump into the fray. They actually stand there, doing absolutely nothing, for the duration. Of course, I could move down there, if only to get them involved, but I don’t notice this little problem until the thing is almost dead anyway. Also, Riku is helping. I think. He’s running around the monster’s body and shouting a lot, at least.

Monstro/Junior: OMGTHEIRLOVEISSOANAL.

So, yeah. @%$#!!! and Goofy can totally fucking bite me for being useless. But the Parasite Cage does eventually get whittled down in the HP department enough that it spits out Pinocchio, right through the now-dilated sphincter (which apparently goes somewhere that isn’t OUTSIDE) and Riku immediately jumps through the hole after him. It’s an asshole but it’s not. This is all terribly confusing. With no other alternative, Junior and his friends follow suit. I feel unclean.

Back in the mouth, there’s a whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on. Some wooden platforms move around, and then Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy fall from the roof of the mouth back to the deck of Geppedo’s boat. The fucking shit? They were in the bowels. Last time I checked, most animals don’t have a tube funneling waste product from the colon to the MOUTH. Jesus. I long to recap a game that makes relative sense. Like Xenosaga.