At the Mystical House Junior returns the book and we find out that the book has some missing pages that will unlock its secret. You don’t say? Well, I’m fresh out of hunny at the moment, so we’ll return to that book and its secret later. Mr. Magician also tells us that the Fairy Godmother can help with the Earthshine stone if we should care to ask her. Damn you, game designers. Damn you and your linear, have-to-do-each-thing-in-order souls straight to hell.
Fairy Godmother will now tell us all about summon gems and what they do. When a world vanishes through the evil doing of the Heartless, the inhabitants vanish too. But, if an inhabitant’s heart is strong, and Disney wants to insert as many of its properties as possible into a game, then that inhabitant becomes a summon gem. By unlocking the gem, we get the use of the inhabitant’s noble spirit and kidlets everywhere will use up all their MP just to see Simba or Bambi or some other favorite character every battle. Well, they’re still more useful than @#$%!!!, so I can’t say I blame them. As Junior goes to leave, Mr. Magician tells us that we’d best go see Cid before we go anywhere else. Perhaps next time you folks would just like to draw a step diagram out in the street for us to follow?
But wait! There’s a surprise! Junior no sooner gets out of the Mystical House than he’s confronted with some Heartless soldiers. The soldiers are struck down, to Junior’s gape-mouthed amazement and he comes face to face with his beloved Riku. Yes, my readers, I not only get to feast my eyes on Squally’s belted ass, but I now get to indulge in the sight of sweet, sweet Riku. For this I must later endure the saltwater hell that is Atlantica, but for now you’ve got a happy recapper on your hands. Junior is obviously thinking the same thing I am and as usual is ass at executing it. To show his love and devotion, he runs up to jam both thumbs into Riku’s mouth. Um, can’t it wait, Junior? What the hell are you doing to the poor boy anyway? Never mind. Forget I asked.
Sweet dreams, baby.
Riku shakes Junior off, giving a hair-flip that would make any self-respecting model hang up her size -3 thong in shame. Work it, sweetness! He and Junior gaze into each other’s eyes, then Junior spoils the moment by asking about Token. Who? Oh, yeah, her. Well, no matter. Riku’s sure Token made it off the island and is even now searching for them both in her happy puppy dog way. Well, that’s not exactly true. A puppy would have a margin of success, since it’s smarter than poor helpless Token. But what about Riku? What’s wrong with him? To underscore the premise that there’s just something not quite right with our bishy-in-training piece of boyhunk, as he walks away from Junior nattering happily about leaving everything in his soft, darling little hands, a Heartless bug springs up. Junior dispatches the poor thing with all due speed and even strikes what he seems to think is a rockin’ slayer pose. “Leave it to who?” he wanks. Riku gapes in amazement at Junior’s mad bug killing skills, while Junior explains that he’s been looking all over the place for Riku and Token, with the help of Goofy and @#$%!!!. Riku is non-plussed at the rivals for his dear friend’s affections, but this goes straight over @#$%!!!’s ducky head, and he starts to introduce himself as pompously as possible, not that anyone’s listening. I’m certainly not. Shut the fuck UP, duckie-poo.
Junior breaks in to give Riku the “Baby, don’t be mad” spiel as Riku pouts adorably. Goofy and @#$%!!! do nothing for the moment, especially when Goofy embraces Junior from behind. All this hugging gives Riku the opportunity to snatch Junior’s Keyblade out of his unresisting hand. Yeah, I know that sounds dirty, just go with it. Sometimes a Keyblade is just a Keyblade and there you are.
Now it’s Junior’s turn to whine. Heeeeeee’sssss the Keeeeeeyyyyyybbbbblllllaaaadddddeeeee Maaaasssssttttteeeerrrrrr!!!!pudding!!11!!! He runs forward, only to fall on his face. Riku returns the precious Keyblade in an offhand toss, nearly braining poor Junior. Or I should say poor us, since Riku missed and Junior lives. Once back on his feet, Junior assumes that Riku will be interested in taking a little trip in the Gummi Ship of Love. They stare at one another with longing until @#$%!!! rains on their parade in a fit of jealous rage. No, Riku can’t have a ride on the Gummi Ship of Love, @#$%!!! quacks. Junior and @#$%!!! argue, Junior whines some more, and only poor sweet Goofy notices Riku’s sudden absence. Junior doesn’t show as much concern as the situation warrants, the frigid little jade. A cut and pan tells us that Riku hides down another dark alleyway where he can view his former friend with longing and slowly mounting evil intentions.
Something about this scene disturbs me in a deep way.
Junior now goes to the Small House, conveniently located just up some stairs from where our little reunion scene took place. Present are Cid, Squally, Aeris and Yuffie. Cid wants to know if we’ve ever heard of Maleficent, he hears she is in town. Oh, the suspense is building to a crescendo now, boys and girls! As usual, the backbreaking body blow from the Mighty Plot Mallet of Doom fails to drive the point home to Junior, though I think I may need a nice medicinal potion of aged fermented grain products before this scene is over.
May we burn her?
Cid, Squally and Aeris take turns sharing their story of loss and woe, that Maleficent, using the Heartless, took over their world and destroyed it. Since Rinoa no longer exists as a result of her handiwork, I do believe that Maleficent’s getting a bum rap on this deal. She’s not the ultimate evil; she’s just a sad older lady with a yen for young boys and turning into a dragon from time to time. We all have our bad days, kids, remember that. @%$#!!! begins to tap his foot in that annoying way as the Exposition!Trio keep up their little monologues. It turns out Ansem was the leader in the Land of Former Final Fantasy Heroes, and his spiffy report was the end-all be-all when it comes to ridding yourself of the Heartless. There’s just one catch. The report’s still lost. But just in case we’ve forgotten from our first visit to this lovely town, it’s explained again, only Cid adds that he’s sure Maleficent’s got most of the pages. Oh, good prep work, Cid. You can almost hear Maleficent shout, “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Nomura!” (That’s “Nomura-san” for you nitpicky fanboys out there. Yes, I know it’s technically correct, and that one of you is just going to have to tell me all about it, but it doesn’t work in the context of my reference. There, you’ve ruined my joke. Happy now?)
Maleficent stands at the entrance to the Third District, Riku by her side. Maleficent tells Riku that Junior obviously doesn’t love him anymore, seeing as how he’s now running around with a doggie-man and a duck. We see through the window that Junior, Goofy and @%$#!!! are indeed having a felicitous time standing around in a bedroom talking. When I think of the alternatives to this scene, I am grateful that standing and talking is all they’re doing. Riku should forget all about Junior and come with her to find what he’s looking for, Maleficent says coyly as she walks away. The camera pans in on Riku in a way that’s obviously trying to stress this as the pivotal moment of EVAL, but it doesn’t quite make it. He just looks cute.
Presumably, Maleficent has convinced Riku to stay with her, since we come back in on Cid and the others. Cid’s quizzing Junior if he delivered that book as he was told. Well, of course he did, Cid! The poor boy hasn’t got the imagination to do otherwise. He even spurned dear Riku for @%$#!!!, so it’s obvious that both oars are not in the water aboard the S.S. Junior. And since we’re talking about boats, (not to be confused with talking boats), Cid tells us that he’s installed the navigation gummi on the Gummi Ship of Love and what the hey, he threw in a warp gummi for good measure, so we can now warp to worlds we’ve been to before instead of flying all the way there. Cid, did I ever tell you that I’ve got a penchant for scruffy older men? I’ve got lots of tea, too.