Not-Fluffy is about to do me the world’s biggest favor and bite Junior’s head off his shoulders, but before he can make with the snappy-jaws, that meddling Hercules steps in and holds back the beast. Herc in Kingdom Hearts is voiced by none other than Sean Astin, known to most of you as Samwise Gamgee and/or Rudy. I don’t know how I can not make fun of that. While Samcules Ruettiger distracts Not-Fluffy, he yells at the others to make like a tree and get out of there. For once, Junior doesn’t try to be noble and stay behind to fight. There goes the death scene of my dreams.

Back in the coliseum lobby. Phil tells us that Not-Fluffy is the watchdog of the underworld, which is one of the few mythological details in Disney’s Hercules that wasn’t fucked in the ass. So there’s a positive. The tubby little satyr is worried about Samcules, even though he’s a freaking demi-god and all. Plus he’s famous for defeating Cerberus! I don’t see how Samcules could struggle against this foe and then Junior of all people could take it (and he will). Whatever. Junior gets to save, and high damn time, too, before telling Phil he’ll go out there and help. “This ain’t just some match. This is for real!” Phil wanks, as if all the Heartless Junior just fought wouldn’t have stolen his heart and his lunch money. They were just in it for the fabulous prizes, I guess. Junior tells Phil he’s not afraid and that Phil can decide his worth as hero material based on this one boss fight. We never find out what stake @%$#!!! and Goofy have in this, as why should they care if Phil thinks Junior is a hero? I’m sure you’re saying that they’re accompanying him into battle because he needs their help and they’re his friends, but that’s not taking into account the fact that Goofy is a coward and @%$#!!! is an asshole. But it doesn’t matter.

In the arena Not-Fluffy has Samcules cornered, and in a hilarious turn of events he has Bitch slung over his shoulder like he’s Indiana Jones and Bitch is Elsa Schneider. Do we need any more proof that Bitch is just a woman in denial? Not-Fluffy’s heads loom ever closer, but its six cute, perky doggy ears pick up on a noise behind it. Not-Fluffy turns around to face Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy, who are most likely pissing their pants in terror. Wait, @%$#!!! doesn’t have pants. Let’s not go there. Samcules, with his damsel in distress Bitch still over his shoulder, runs toward the exit, while Phil yells, “Kid, I got two words of advice for you: Attack!” Wow, that was just as funny as the first time!

…Milkbone?

And the boss fight is on! I talk a big game, but I’m the first to admit that this battle is on the difficult side. For one thing, Not-Fluffy is really BIG. Junior has to jump to reach its heads, and even then doesn’t always have the height necessary to hit any of them. Therefore magic is Junior’s best friend in this battle, but I’m terrible about casting timely spells in an action game like this. Add to this the constant fireballs, and an attack where Not-Fluffy launches dark power at Junior from underneath his feet (if this happens, Junior simply has to run or be dead), and it makes for one of the uglier boss battles in the game. After exhausting every drop of magic from all three party members, and after using my Street Fighter II Chun Li fighting strategy (i.e., jump up and down for five minutes straight until my opponent quits in disgust), Not-Fluffy finally goes to doggy heaven. Everyone goes up a level, and Junior receives the Inferno Band, a nifty magic defense-boosting accessory. Hooray for killing things!

The scene picks up again in the lobby, where an impromptu ceremony is taking place. Phil announces Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy to be junior heroes, and I laugh at how appropriate that is. @%$#!!! takes issue with the “junior” bit, though, and Phil condescendingly tells him that they still don’t have what it takes to be real heroes like our boy Samcules. Speaking of him, Samcules stands next to Phil in this scene, with his arms crossed and a smug look on his face. Yeah, way to run away and stuff. Real hero. Dick. Goofy earnestly asks what it does take to be a hero. I was hoping we’d get a Rudy-esque “If you believe in yourself you can do anything!” or maybe a “We fight because there are things worth fighting for!” à  la Samwise, but alas, it is not to be. Instead Samcules simply wanks about finding your inner hero yo’ damn self, “just like [he] did.” You mean, just like he did AFTER he was born with divine power. Ass. I just realized that Goofy is the one character in this scene that doesn’t deserve to have his eyes pecked out by disease-ridden pigeons, and that makes me sad.

Oh, also this junior heroes thing grants Junior and his cronies access to all the games at the coliseum. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Thankfully, there won’t be any for a while, since Not-Fluffy bleeding all over the arena will take a while to clean up. Junior says they’ll be back when the games start (except not, because I never want to come here again) and the gang exits. To their retreating backs, Phil quietly says that he can’t believe Junior defeated Not-Fluffy. To this, Samcules replies, “Just between us, I’d already worn [Not-Fluffy] down by the time the little guy jumped in.” Phil and Samcules share a laugh at this, though I’m 100 percent convinced the son of Zeus is totally making that up so he doesn’t come off like a complete pantywaist. Backed into a corner with a she-male on his shoulder–sure looked like he was kicking some ass. Get bent, Samcules.

Out in the courtyard, Junior has an admirer waiting for him–it’s Bitch! Junior asks why he would go along with Hades, like Bitch needs a reason to be a homicidal psycho. Turns out that Bitch is “looking for someone,” and Hades said he would help out in exchange for killing people and stuff. For those people that never, ever catch on, it’s Miss Pretty-in-Pink he’s seeking, as we’ll see for ourselves by the end of the game. At any rate, Bitch feels awful, just awful, that Hades played him like a chump, and he recites some corny lines about darkness consuming him and losing the light. Here we go with that shit again. And here I was hoping I could survive one recap without hearing about darkness and light and good and evil. Jeebus save me. Junior reassures Bitch, and tells him that he’s also searching for his light. No, you’re searching for King Mickey and just pretending to look for Token. You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Bitch gets up to leave. “Don’t lose sight of it,” he says, and places something in Junior’s palm. I’m guessing it’s a complimentary tube of hair gel. Junior parts with a request for a rematch, “no dark powers involved this time!” Bitch turns him down, as he’s got places to go and dresses to wear. Once he’s gone I see that the “item” given to Junior is in fact the ability Sonic Blade. How you hand someone an ability is beyond me. Hair gel, then. Works for me. The day saved (I suppose), our junior heroes leave Olympus Coliseum.

So that’s what happened to your hair.

Cut to a short montage of Samcules flexing his muscles and winking cheekily, with Hades doing the sarcastic “he’s my hero” voiceover. He gets upset enough to make his hair flame orange at the thought of perfect, perfect Samcules. I’d point out that blue flame is generally hotter than orange flame, so this would indicate he was angrier before, but…wait, I just did. So anyway, I guess Hades is also buying into this lame theory that Samcules was the real hero of the day. Whatever. He calms down and tells himself that all is going according to plan, and that Samcules should train Junior, and believe me when I say that nothing ever really comes of this foreshadowing. I have no idea what he’s talking about here. Suddenly he stops talking to himself and says, “Who invited you to the party? Stay out of this. This is my show.” The camera pans behind Hades to reveal he’s talking to Maleficent. She seems delighted that he’s so pissed off. See, it’s all part of her grand scheme to lose all her allies and die alone. Or something.

And that’s all for the insipid excursion that is Olympus Coliseum! Maybe Kelly or I will feel masochistic enough at some point to play through the other tournaments, but barring that it’s goodbye forever! Yay! Join Kelly next time as she goes to Traverse Town for real and gets to see Squally and Riku. That bitch. (I kid.) Until part seven!