Phil compliments Junior on his ability to crush inanimate objects, which Junior takes as a pass to the games. Bzzzt! Phil crushes Junior’s dreams–yay for Phil!–by saying, “Two words: you guys ain’t heroes!” See, it’s funny because he can’t count. Apparently the gag is so funny that the writers think it’s a good idea to keep using it. I know I’m amused. Junior turns down Phil’s offer for additional training and leaves the coliseum lobby.
Out in the courtyard, Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy hear the ultra-sinister James Woods talking behind them. Yup, Hades has made his entrance. He calls Phil a “stubborn old goat” (get it?!?!) for denying them entry into the games. @%$#!!! wonders who Blue Boy is, and Hades doesn’t answer–instead he states the obvious: that Junior et al want into the games. He approaches Junior and becomes the second person in this recap to creepily put his hands on Junior’s shoulders. Why does everyone want to get all touchy-feely with him all of a sudden? From a burst of blue flame in his palm he produces what looks to me like $100 of Monopoly money, but what I’m assuming is an entry permit. His business completed, Hades exits stage left, adding that he’s in Junior’s corner. Except not.
Sicko.
Entry pass in hand, the trio returns to Phil. He asks the obvious “Where did you get this?” and when they don’t give him a satisfactory answer…he lets them into the games anyway. Okay, how fucking stupid does Square think I am? Phil made it plainly obvious before that all would-be heroes entering the games have to go through him. And he tells them PERSONALLY that they don’t have what it takes. Yet when they show up with an entry permit they obviously cheated to get, he just throws up his hands and allows them to enter? Looks like my old friend Mr. Contrivance is entering the games, too. I think Mr. Rational Storytelling was already eliminated. Hours ago.
Here’s where things get even stranger. Out in the arena, an invisible forcefield forms around the competitors. There are stands on either side, but they’re entirely empty. I think Phil was so intent on getting a lot of competitors that he plum forgot about advertising to the public. Oh, but wait, it’s supposed to be world-famous! Anyway. The first match is against the “Shadow Scouts,” a small group of pointy-helmeted Heartless and ice mage Heartless. See Junior. See Junior smash Heartless. See @%$#!!!. See @%$#!!! waste all magic points in first battle. See Sam. See Sam unwilling to waste Ether on stupid fucking duck with no sense of conservation. See @%$#!!! become paperweight for remainder of tournament.
After the first battle, Phil congratulates them on not dying, but is quick to point out how much they benefited from his training. Yes, immobile barrels are such good practice for flying Heartless mages. I hate Phil. Just as he’s showing them the leaderboard, a dark figure walks ominously past. The four stare openmouthed, and from Junior’s POV, we get to see who the Mystery Man is. Hey, it’s Bitch! Say hello to Bitch, everyone! Cloud’s Kingdom Hearts incarnation has the same spiked-to-high-heaven hair and angsty, the-world-is-out-to-get-me expression as the original. But New-and-Improved Bitch is sporting a ragged, burgundy cape and a claw hand. And a dozen or so extraneous belts, so his wardrobe can be up-to-date with the newer Final Fantasy characters. The impressed group is speechless. Or maybe their respective gaydars are blaring so madly that they can’t think straight and therefore can’t speak. Finally, Phil dons the Captain Obvious hat to say “Something tells me he’ll be a tough one to beat.” No, I think he’s just going to lie down for Junior and become his b–oh.
After that lengthy scene, it’s time for the second battle. Now it’s Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy versus the “Sinisters,” aka a bunch of shadows and ice mages. Boy, I can totally see why Phil wouldn’t let Junior in–this is pandemonium! In related news, it’s really hard to type when my eyeballs are stuck in the back of my head. And they’re not getting unstuck anytime soon, as @%$#!!! just did a victory dance which included him–I don’t believe it–twirling around like a fairy princess. This stupid game.
A @%$#!!! ass shot. There is no God.
Round 3 of The Dumbest Tournament Ever is against a group called “Heat and Freeze.” If any of you guessed that this group is comprised of fire and ice mages, well, you’re dead wrong. …I’m just screwing with you–of course it’s fire and ice mages. Hey @%$#!!!, wouldn’t you like to have some of your magic points back now? What’s that? You want an Ether? Really? Well, TOO BAD!!! After this battle, which was so hard, by the way, @%$#!!! does his freaking pirouette again, while shouting “For Daisy!” What a tool.
Yet again, Phil pulls aside our bumbling brawlers to tell them what a good job they’re doing. “Wish he was here to see this,” he adds wistfully, prompting the obligatory “Who?” response from Junior. “Hercules,” he replies. “He’s a hero if ever there was one.” Gag me with a Keyblade. (No, please don’t–I already regret that mental image.) Herc is conveniently off visiting Old Man Zeus, which is Square’s way of explaining his absence, as if I really care where he is. Well, that was easily the most pointless scene of this recap. Time for the fourth battle!
This round pits the “good guys” against the “Shadow Platoon,” a combo of all the baddies they’ve faced thus far. Sigh. Why am I recapping each battle, again? Oh yeah, because I need filler. Shit, I shouldn’t have announced that. Junior and Co. win easily, but it would be funny if I died and had to start over after I’ve been complaining about how easy this is, wouldn’t it? Round 5, against “Blue Revenge” (ice mages, for the slow), goes about the same. Good lord, this is tedious. Did I mention that the enemies don’t dispense any HP, MP, or munny balls? So not only do I have to depend on items to heal up, but I’m not getting any monetary compensation, which means I don’t have money to replace all the items I’m using. This is the worst world ever.
Just to drag this out, there’s another cut scene in between battles. A mystery person in a shadowy corner of the arena watches as Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy celebrate in the most wanky fashion possible. It turns out to be Hades, who, surprise surprise, isn’t really on Junior’s side. He’s telling his boy, Bitch, to take out the happy Disney gang ASAP. Bitch snarks, “The great god of the Underworld is afraid of a kid?” and my, is his voice ever dreamy. I’m so ashamed to say it, but there you are. Bitch reminds Hades that his contract says nothing about beating up teenage wankers. Bitch, were I you, I wouldn’t care if it was in the contract or not. The kid needs an ass-whooping, no two ways about it, and you’re just the guy to give it to him. Hades says as much, except his reasoning is that Bitch has been hired to take down Hercules, and he has to get through Junior to do it. And he doesn’t call Junior a wanker, either. But I bet he’s thinking it. Hades’s last tactic is to use some kind of moral relativism to make Bitch do his bidding. I don’t see what the holdup is; this is Mr. “Kill Everyone,” right? As the scene fades out Hades announces to himself that Bitch is just one big, overly hair-gelled, effeminate patsy, and from behind him in the shadows something is growling menacingly. Ooh, dollars to donuts I’m going to have to fight that.
Again. Sicko.
Round 6 is against a group called “Big One” (*snicker*), and it turns out to be the Fridge with a bunch of fire and ice mages. This battle would be as uneventful as the rest, except it ends with Junior’s victory dance and his biggest dipshit line of the recap, bar none: “That’s the power of the Keyblade!” He even strikes a pose and spins the Keyblade around, like he’s Neo in the fucking Matrix or something. Please tell me why I have to suffer this whiny, self-centered wiener in clown shoes while I haven’t seen sweet, sweet Riku in over four hours. Why, God, WHY?
At long last, it’s time for the battle with the Big Kahuna. Bitch stands at the opposite end of the arena, trying his best to look like someone not to be fucked with. So if this is the final battle, where are all those other heroes Phil was talking about? And why aren’t THEY fighting monsters, too? Are they just standing around, waiting for their opportunity to beat the shit out of Junior? (I’ll take a number or five in that queue.) This tournament makes no sense whatsoever. As it’s one big plot contrivance, I don’t expect it to, but hey, what is my purpose as a recapper if not to complain profusely?
Bitch has a few different attacks, all of which bring me a lot of pain. His two favorites are lunging forward in a fast, straight line, dealing heavy damage to anyone in his path; and jumping up in the air and down again with his comically large sword pointed down, which hits everything within a certain radius of his landing. Seriously, Junior spends so much time jumping out of the way of his attacks that I’m not sure if he actually does any damage to Bitch at all. But somehow–don’t ask me how, because I really don’t know–our non-heroes manage to bring Bitch to his knees. (Heh.) After the battle Bitch drops to the ground, shocked that he just lost to a toothpick in baggy red pants. But before anyone (*cough*Junior*cough*) can gloat, the ground starts to shake. Junior turns around to see a giant, black, three-headed dog leering down at him and baring its three sets of teeth. It’s the Fluffy that’s not, Cerberus! Hades giggles to himself regarding the imminent demise of both Junior and Bitch, and then disappears into the shadows.