The scene cuts out and we come back to the campsite with Baby Kong knuckling his way through the Heartless Flying Monkey Squad for all he’s worth. He busts through the opening of the tent and lands right on Jane. It’s at this point that HG screamed out “Ah! Monkey ass rape! Baby Kong gonna rape Jane in the butthole!” and I spit chocolate chai everywhere. I’ll get him back for that one of these days; you mark my words. That was some damned good chai. And that’s it for the Monkey Ass Rape scene. Now we go back to Junior, Goofy and Bob. Wasn’t that er, what exactly was that besides disturbing? Anyone?

More fighting. Joy. We arrive at the campsite to find Jane gone. Bob’s worried. Dude, she’s off with Baby Kong. Girl gots the jungle fever, you know? Bob thinks it over for a second and then he announces that Jane is near the tree house. What, Bob you think you’re a psychic now? Then why don’t you tell me why your movie sucked so much ass? And you can’t blame it on the Phil Collins soundtrack either, bud. So, we head back to the tree house in all due haste. What’s this, the third time so far? Can’t we just put in a nice revolving door or something? Did I mention that Junior gets from the campsite to the tree house by humping vine poles? You’d think the boy was a two-bit stripper in a run down interstate “Gentlemen’s Club”. As if “Gentlemen” were usually named Cooter and tipped with quarters during the lap-dance. I’m just sayin’. Yes, okay, fine. We’ll move on. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for nightmares, though I’m sure the image will haunt me for years to come. Moving on now.

Once we get to the trees again, Jane, still holding the recumbent form of Baby Kong, screams out “[Bob]!” and the camera pans back to Junior, Goofy and Bob. A nice text box above our heads tells me that the big black fruit looks suspicious. I don’t know about you, but black fruit to me usually means that I haven’t cleaned out the fridge in a long time. Ew. Either way, here come more Flying Monkeys to keep us from our goal, which is busting open the big black fruit. Yes, I’m sure you’re surprised.

Dr. Forrester?

As it turns out, all the Go-ril-las have been captured and we need to help them, fast! I’m wondering why Kerchak just doesn’t bust out some super-ape mojo on them, but I guess he’s biding his time or something. After going back to the tree house, Junior, Goofy, and Bob jump back down into the trees. Instead of having to ride the slidey branch thing again, it takes us right to the clearing near the bamboo thicket. So, was there any reason for us to do the whole slidey branch thing earlier if we could’ve just jumped down into the clearing at any time? No? And you wonder why we mock you, game designers. All the Go-ril-las have been gathered up by Flying Monkeys, just waiting for the arrival of Mr. Prick. And here he is, the dickface. Mr. Prick, who brings new life to the term “one trick pony” raises his shotgun in yet another attempt at baggin’ him a Go-ril-la head. Mr. Prick aims the gun right for Kerchak, and proceeds to fire. In slow motion. So Junior can get there in time to stop him. Which he does, by shouting “No!” Yeah, that’ll strike fear into his heart, Junior. Why not punch him in the nose? I hear men don’t like it if you punch them in the genitals. Meanwhile, Kerchak ambles off, acting like he meant for it to happen this way, preserving his street cred. Mr. Prick turns on our boys and Junior calls out his name. Bob says that it’s not really Mr. Prick a few times; then makes the noise he made back in the tree house. And such is our intro into yet another boss fight.

At first it’s just Mr. Prick and a few Flying Monkeys. Then, after Mr. Prick has been taken down the first time, something blows the side out of one of the stands of bamboo, and Mr. Prick appears to be riding something invisible. So, we hit the invisible thing a few times, and it manifests itself as a huge gecko lizard. We’re fighting Mr. Prick and his Giant Technicolor Lizard. Yes, I’m serious, and yes, the game designers are smoking crack. I can never stress that enough. Hack, slash, hack, slash, potion. Lather, rinse, repeat until both baddies are gone for good.

When this fight is all over, we see all of Kerchak’s posse gathered around. Kerchak takes Junior by the back of his little hooded shirt and throws him way up into the air, undoubtedly in an effort to send this little wanker back where he came from. Unfortunately, he lands safely at a spot near a waterfall. Goofy and @%$#!!! are also thrown up there as well. Bob follows, and announces that this is his home. What do you know, Bob’s home is full of jumping platforms and waterfalls! So, with Bob’s permission, Junior mooches his way through, finding more Gummi pieces and synthesizing items. Yay. Considering how long it’ll be before I can get anything made from all this crap, I would’ve been happier with a few ethers and potions, thanks. Now we’ve come to the final part of the world. Yes, my friends and neighbors, we’ve found the Keyhole! Thankfully, there’s not a bitchy doorknob, just some white Quantum Weather Butterflies beating their lovely wings in unison. Isn’t it pretty? Jane and Baby Kong also join the party as Bob says his favorite non-word one more time. Nobody gets it this time, either. Junior starts to speak, and Bob silences him, showing great mercy on your poor recapper. But then, he holds his hand up to his ear, as if playing charades. Jane, who apparently read her part of the script figures out something to the effect that because she can hear the waterfalls here, that Bob’s word means “heart”. And just what was in that tea you were drinking back there, woman? Junior is disappointed, and Bob continues with a lovely speech about the importance of friends. If you don’t have friends, the Heartless will come and eat your soul, according to Bob. That’s the way to make the loneliest kid in class feel better, Bob. Geez, why don’t you tell him all about the Scissor Man while you’re about it, you jerk? Bob’s speech has its intended result, and Junior and @%$#!!! apologize for their terribly anti-climactic fight on the way here. Goofy is happy again, and now that we’re all settled, the Quantum Weather Butterflies take off to wherever they’re going. Well, I’m glad you’re all happy, kids, but have some pity on the poor folks who just found out what the Chaos Theory has to say about butterflies flapping their wings. Junior waves his mighty Keyblade around, and the Keyhole is sealed. And guess what! We get…a Gummi! Excuse me while I swear off gelatin products for life now. Not only that, but Baby Kong starts hitting on Donald. Isn’t there medication for this kind of thing? I can only take one Baby Kong butthole rape per recap. And our scene closes with the lovely Keyhole graphic. Yes, my children, we’re finally done with Bob, Jane and that tail lovin’ Baby Kong. Or…are we?

Wanna see my Keyblade?

Nope, I lied. There’s more. Our scene opens back up on Maleficent and Jafar, having a little tête-à-tête about our late, lamented Mr. Prick. And thanks to Mad Ben, the image of those two playing “Hide the Keyblade” just won’t get out of my head. I had enough nightmare material already, kid. Luckily, my all-time favorite Oogie-Boogie steps in for a little Cajun’ moralizin’ on why it pays to be smarter than the hero. Practice what you preach, son. Jafar and Maleficent talk a little more about their Great Plan, and then we see what happened to poor little Alice. The plot twists are always so shocking when you saw them coming from miles away, don’t you think? But our baddies have had their little gloat, and now it’s time to go back to Deep Jungle. I know, I can hardly wait. Luckily, it’s just so Bob and Jane can give us some swag and a tutorial on how to use the key chains to upgrade the Keyblade. Oh, and we get the Red Trinity, too. That’s all the excitement and adventure that I can stand at this point. Join Sam next time as we meet everyone’s favorite muscle-bound hunk o’ man and Hercules, too. I’ll see you in Part 6.