Junior lands in the middle of a campsite, with all the trappings of Imperial England set out for the world to see. We’ve got the old scientific equipment, the steamer trunks, the Union Jack flying, and the inevitable washing line holding things that appear to be knickers. After looking at Mr. Prick’s nose, a pair of bloomers should hold no fear, right? Junior explores all there is to explore, he and Bob go into the main tent to meet Jane. Jane seems surprised that Junior can speak English and then cracks wise about Junior not being related to Bob. Of course not, you silly bird! Bob’s a hell of a lot smarter than our boy Junior Wankerstein here. Oh, and I’m sure you’ve already figured this out, but Jane has one of the most patently fake upper-class British accents I’ve heard in a while, and I am including that awful Las Vegas commercial on the list. Jane asks Junior if he’s here to study the gorillas, and another honors graduate of the Rich Little School of Bad Accents says “Highly doubtful”. What do you know? It’s Mr. Prick! With him are Goofy and @%$#!!!, and everyone’s happy to see everyone else. In fact, Junior and @%$#!!! reunite like long-lost lovers, until they realize that they’re still fighting and stuff and separate faster than two football players meeting up in the showers. Oh, go have some sake and screw already, you two. Get it over with. And I’ve just given yaoi fans another pairing to contend with. Anything to keep sweet, sweet Riku from sullying himself with Junior is quite all right with me.
Mr. Prick makes a few comments about our Merry Morons’ uselessness in hunting gorillas, and Jane gets her knickers in a twist. Apparently, she thought that she and Mr. Prick were studying gorillas, rather than hunting them. Yes, dear girl, that’s why Mr. Prick carries that big, well oiled piece around with him all the time. Oh, and he’s got a shotgun, too. Jane quickly shrugs off any misgivings she might have about Mr. Prick, inviting everyone to make themselves at home. Junior and @%$#!!! are still in the “fighting couple stance” as seen in sitcoms everywhere, and they announce their intentions on staying at exactly the same time. Goofy breaks in to show Junior what he and @%$#!!! have found and holds out the Ruby Turd of Fate for Junior’s inspection. Junior is suitably impressed, as I would be for anyone who could carry gorilla shit around that long without hurling. Poor simple-minded Goofy always gets the nasty jobs. @%$#!!! tells our cognitively impaired friend that the RToF could mean that King Mickey could have been here and that they have to work together to find him for now. I guess Kingy-poo wasn’t being environmentally conscientious when he left his Gummi Litter around for some poor little Baby Kong to ingest and shit out at a critically important time in the story line. The Sierra Club would be ripping King Mickey a new asshole any minute, if they just knew where to find the bigheaded fool.
On the way out of the tent, Junior speaks to Jane and they decide to show Bob some “magic lantern” slides to see if Bob recognizes a slide for the mysterious word he said to Junior in the tree house. He doesn’t. Junior asks Bob where Riku and Token are, and Bob shakes his head, implying that he doesn’t know. Junior gets upset since he thinks that Bob lied to him back in the tree house. Since poor Bob was just repeating what Junior said in an effort to appease the little idiot, we’ll give Bob the benefit of the doubt here.
Mr. Prick now comes back into the tent explaining that Junior’s friends could only be in one other place, and that’s where the gorillas are. Then he gets pissy since Bob refuses to help Mr. Prick “find” where the gorillas are hiding. Well, Mr. Prick, call me Miss Silly, but when you talk incessantly about hunting down someone’s relatives just so your study can be a shrine to taxidermy, I’d be a little reluctant to take you there, too. Then again, Mr. Prick has never met my relatives. In some cases I’d vote it a mercy killing. Jane comes to Bob’s defense, and Mr. Prick gets in Bob’s face, demanding that he take them to the Go-ril-las. Well, Mr. Prick, I may not be able to take you to the Go-ril-las, but if you’ll step this way to the mirror, I can take you to the Ass-ho-les. Bob and Junior share a long look, and Bob nods, announcing that he will go to see Kerchak, who Mr. Prick assumes is the leader of the Go-ril-las. He volunteers himself as an escort. Really, I’m shocked, Mr. Prick.
Once outside the tent, Junior & Co. end up in another scripted fight with Sabor the Leopard in which Bob is no frickin’ help at all. All he does is go around screaming “Hee-yaah!” and waving his spear around. I’m sure that’s allegorical for something. After the fight is over, everyone heads off to find Kerchak. An old episode of “Welcome Back Kotter” would be the best place to start if you ask me. Our search leads us to a place called the “Hippo’s Lagoon”, which – wait for it – has two hippos wallowing in their own private little pools. And these are cuddly, Disney hippos, so you don’t have to worry about the stench, the bad nature of real hippos or the nasty water. Jump on in, Junior! Actually, what we really have to do is climb up some ivy and into the part of the game that they may as well have titled “Kelly’s a Huge Idiot”, since my timing is ten shades of putrid ass. The whole object of the exercise is jumping from vine to vine in a vain attempt to get somewhere. After a little while, I give up and hand the controller over to HG in disgust while vocally damning the crack-addled game designers into the deepest pits of the stygian abyss. Yes, that’s right, I want them to be stars on The Surreal Life with Corey Feldman. With a little flair, HG gets me to where I should be, and now it’s time to meet Kerchak.
All of a sudden, Bob launches into this big speech while Kerchak looks on, giving off this big, bad Samuel L. Jackson Super-Mofo vibe. And Bob doesn’t do it by grunting and pointing, either, nope, the man speaks perfectly good (if overacted) English when he puts his mind to it. Bob explains that he knows the Go-ril-la nesting grounds are sacred, but he trusts Junior and his Merry Morons enough to bring them here. Kerchak takes the whole speech in, then walks off. Bob is downcast, and Junior thinks that Kerchak was distracted by something happening in the tree house. Gee, way to work in a hint there, boys and girls. Why not just hit Junior upside the head and flash “Go to the tree house!” in neon yellow letters while you’re at it? Then again, we’ll be going back and forth so many times in this episode, I should be grateful for the clear hint.
Junior’s ground state of being.
It doesn’t take our boys long to get to the Arbor Day Love Shack, and it’s a good thing, too, since Mr. Prick is looking down his gun sight at poor little Baby Kong. Baby Kong’s not paying attention, he’s trying like anything to learn his geography and get the hell away from the crap stealing duck. We see a shot of @%$#!!!’s running webby feet, and then he screams in his ducky language to scare the hell out of Mr. Prick. I’m reminded that my father-in-law has a similar trick, which I hate, since not only does he do the Duckie Scream of Annoyance, but also he likes to poke you in the sides in a teasing manner. Since I bruise easily, it hurts like hell when he does it to me. Mr. Prick fires a wild shot as Kerchak appears to take care of Baby Kong, who takes off running. Bob tries to get Kerchak to stay, but our Bad-ass Mofo Ape ain’t havin’ none of that boo-ya. He splits, with Baby Kong in tow. Now Mr. Prick has some ‘splainin’ to do. He tries to bullshit his way out it, claiming that a snake slithered by and he was aiming at it in order to save poor little Baby Kong. Bob isn’t buying that for a second, though it makes perfect sense to poor Goofy. Bob gives us his sad face, and turns his head so we can all admire his dreads for a second.
With nothing better to do, Junior and the others head back to camp, where Jane is reading the riot act to Mr. Prick. He tries to bullshit again, and Jane bans him from going near the Go-ril-las ever, ever, ever again. Mr. Prick leaves in a very pissy mood. And an attitude like that will make it hard for you to make friends, mister. Why, if you don’t cheer up, the Heartless will be on you any second! See?
Outside the tent, the Heartless have indeed shown up to wreak havoc. Thing is, the little critters look like the Flying Monkeys out of the Wizard of Oz. They even do that little Flying Monkey Dance of Death. And here they are, dancin’ away around Kerchak. Junior, Goofy and Bob dispatch them with all haste, and Kerchak gives us another Gummi block for our trouble. Honestly, can’t we get something useful from time to time? Now it’s off to different areas for more fighting. Yes, feel my excitement. Eventually, we end up back at the campsite to see Jane. As we leave the camp, a shot rings out. I wonder if that’s something important?
Boobs…huh, huh…boobs
Well, it’s time to find out, since Junior heads straight for the area where the shot rang out, like an extra in a horror film. Here we find Sabor and yet another fight with the Amazing Dunderheaded Leopard. Once again, Sabor gets his spotted ass kicked. Then Sabor passes out in slow motion, which makes me sad for the poor little kitty. As a reward for his deed, Junior steals one of Sabor’s teeth for an item called the White Fang. Boy, this world wants to piss off all the environmentalist groups in one go, doesn’t it?