Now it’s time for the story exposition in the form of those cinematic quick cuts. Instead of Squally and Yuffie taking up the explanation, we cut to Aeris, explaining the same damned things to Goofy and @#$%!!!, who really should know better. There are other worlds than this one, it’s all supposed to be a secret, blah, blah, blah. It was all explained in Part 1 of this recap, so I’m not going to insult your intelligence doing it all again. I’ll let the game designers do that. Aeris says that the worlds have always been secret because they were never connected before, but they are now, due to the Heartless. Cut! Junior asks “The Heartless?” and Yuffie explains that the Heartless are the little buggy creatures Junior has been killing all this time. Squally butts in to say, “Those without hearts.” Yes, Squally, I think we can all figure that part out from their rather descriptive title, don’t you? Yuffie says that the Heartless are attracted to the darkness in people’s hearts, while Squally proclaims that “There is darkness within every heart.” Mr. Subtle has just filed an EPO against Mr. Foreshadowing. Yuffie asks Junior if he’s ever heard of someone called Ansem, which is pronounced to rhyme with “handsome”. Yes, I know Handsome, and he’s married to Mrs. Rubbo. Cut! Goofy asks Aeris “An-sem?”, pronouncing it just the way I spelled it up there. Aeris explains that Ansem was studying the Heartless, and that he recorded all his findings in a very detailed report. Goofy asks to see it, and Aeris explains that it was “lost” and the pages were scattered over the different worlds. Oh, so the puppies have it? Sure gives “the dog ate my homework” excuse a new twist, huh? That brings us up to three sub quests since we got into town. Sheesh. Goofy thinks that King Mickey is trying to track down the pages of the report, and Aeris agrees. Good, so we don’t have to start looking, then? Oh, we still have to find them. Well, shit. Goofy freaks out and says that they have to go find King Mickey right away, while @#$%!!! reminds him that they need to find “that key”. Aeris encourages them by saying “That’s right. The Keyblade.” And here I was thinking it was some other Mickey Mouse Key of Doom. Collect ’em all! Cut! Junior holds his Keyblade out (ew!) and says, “So, this is the key”, and Yuffie agrees. Squally tells Junior that the Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade. I can totally see that — except not. Squally ends his pout by telling Junior that the Heartless will keep coming after him because of the Keyblade, and Junior whines that he didn’t ask for this to happen. Yuffie tells him that the Keyblade chooses its master. And this is what you get when you let a sightless, formerly mundane object start having a say in things, folks. You were warned. Squally tells him “Tough luck.” God, just a little bit of a sore loser are we Squally? Junior tries to think back to what brought him to Traverse Town, and suddenly he remembers that he had two friends and that his beloved Wanker Island is no more. He wonders what happened to everyone. Squally says “You know what? I really don’t know.” I suspect the phrase “And I don’t care” was edited out. Fortunately for us, this is the ending of the Great Cinematic Exposition! sequence. Now that Junior is on his own again, it’s time to go back out. Squally tells Yuffie that they should go meet up with Aeris, who just so happens to be in the room next door. Before they can leave, one of the Heartless in the jogging suits and helmet shows up. Squally tells Yuffie to leave much more dramatically than is really called for. It’s not like this thing is all that scary. Yuffie runs out the door anyway, hitting @#$%!!!, who was on the other side. I love that scene so much, I play it back a few times for the sheer sadistic joy of it. Duck. Door. Door smash Duck. Hooray! The little Heartless takes off out the window, and Squally orders Junior to follow him after it.

Once we’re out on the street, Squally tells Junior to ignore the small fry and find the Heartless’ leader. I’m suddenly reminded of another game where a really cool, bad-ass guy has to tell a little wanker the same instructions. Junior starts kicking ass on the small fry anyway. How else are we supposed to get through this? Junior meets up with Squall in the First District, and he tells Junior that it’s now safe again. I take that as my cue to save and stock up on items before heading out. After fighting through to the Third District, Junior takes a few steps forward and heads right into a cut scene. Goofy appears in a balcony just over Junior’s head and is immediately surrounded by the little jogging-suited Heartless. Goofy cowers behind his shield. @#$%!!! immediately goes in for the attack, and both he and Goofy are blasted off of the balcony for their trouble. Geez, if Junior McWhiney can take these things, what’s wrong with you two? Goofy and @#$%!!! land right on top of Junior. No, not that way. It’s at that point that they realize that Junior is the big bad Keyblade Mastah, but there’s little time to dwell on it since the stones of the square suddenly rise up to form a barricade, trapping our three intrepid heroes inside. More of the Heartless soldiers show up, and after fighting through them, it’s now time to face the leader of the pack. All of a sudden, huge pieces of purple armor fall to the ground, assembling themselves into a very large, very purple fighter. Even the helmet is purple. From here on out, our first boss will forever be known as the “Purple Helmeted Warrior” (tm Jeanne). If you think that sounds dirty, you would be right. Fortunately, said Warrior is a pretty easy kill. For being smart enough to avoid several pieces of disembodied floating armor, Junior is rewarded with something called a “Brave Warrior”. Sounds like wishful thinking to me.

Now that the fight is over, Junior gets to know his new comrades in arms. He seems surprised that anyone was looking for him. This comes as no shock to me at all. I wouldn’t go looking for another whiny wanker, either, I just got stuck with him because Nomura hates us all. Squally and Yuffie have also joined us, to explain all over again that everyone was looking for the Keyblade Mastah. Well, here he is. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves for inflicting this boy on the world. In the face of all common sense, Goofy invited Junior to come with he and @#$%!!! and find King Mickey. Junior wonders if that will help him find Riku and Token, and @#$%!!! tells him “Of course”, giving me more evidence that the damned duck is a psycho. Goofy doesn’t buy it, and @#$%!!! gives him the old “The ends justify the means” speech, sotto voce. Squally also joins in, telling Junior that he should go. I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t want Junior in my town all the time, either. Junior agrees to go, to Squally’s immense relief. Junior, of course, is pouting again. I end up throwing something at my television set after all. @#$%!!!, also sick of the “pouty face” tells Junior that the Gummi Ship runs on “happy faces”, and that he needs to cheer the fuck up before they’re taking him anywhere. Junior proceeds to give us the worst fake smile since Tidus, which is a killing offence right there. Goofy and @#$%!!! laugh, but they’re laughing at Junior, so I suppose it’s okay. @#$%!!! and Goofy introduce themselves, Junior does likewise. Goofy ends our warm and happy moment by proclaiming “All for one and one for all” as a keyhole shaped image comes up to close this happy scene. And that, dear readers is where I leave you to the power and the glory that is Sam’s next KH recap. It’s going to rock, so don’t miss it. I’ll see you again in part 4!