She does not look like she’s enjoying that hug.

But there’s no time to celebrate–there are half a dozen more shitty Heartless they could defeat without any problems! Oh no, what will they do? At the last moment, as this unstoppable force of Heartless closes in, Beast roars from the top of the stairs and leaps down to their aid. “Go! Now!” he yells at the kid with the Heartless-obliterating Keyblade. God, seriously, the Heartless in this room would be like half of one punnily named battalion in the Phil Cup. This is stupid. Junior yells back that he should escape with them, but Beast snarls, “I told you before, I’m not leaving without Belle.” Well, Token said she wasn’t leaving without Riku, so obviously Beast is the only one taking these kinds of pledges seriously. Junior “reluctantly” agrees, meaning he agrees immediately, and the four of them finally make their escape from Hollow Bastion.

Of course, we’re not out of the woods yet. Junior still has to report to Daddy Squally back in Traverse Town on how the mission went. He’s leaning in Squally Stance against the wall with its garish wallpaper, deep in thought. “So the darkness is flowing out of that Keyhole…” he wonders aloud, like it’s a gushing sphincter, which I guess it is. Aeris adds, “No wonder there are more and more Heartless everywhere.” And the fucking thing wasn’t even all the way open! She and Junior agree that the keyhole must be sealed, like that isn’t precisely what they were trying to do in the first place. But Squally is skeptical. “Maybe,” he tells Junior. “But no one knows what will happen once it’s sealed.” Um, it will be sealed and the Heartless will stop coming out? Seriously, I know Squally likes to be a Debbie Downer, but it’s not like he and the rest of the Final Fantasy Throwback Crew sent Junior there for a spa day. And Junior, Moral Fucking Authority of Kingdom Hearts, is also opposed to leaving it alone since he has “a friend” back there. Uh huh. Clearly saving Riku has been a high priority for everyone.

‘Just kidding. You obviously have no friends.’

Junior’s passion for saving his very dear friend Riku moves Squally so deeply that he feels the call to exposit at length about the nonsensical mess I just endured back in Hollow Bastion. “Riku’s Keyblade must have been born of the captive princesses’ hearts–just like that Keyhole you saw,” he recites, and you can practically hear David Boreanaz going, “Are you for real with this shit? Get my agent on the phone.” But he’s got more on the page, so he keeps talking: “Of course, without [Token]’s heart, it remained incomplete. Once that Keyblade was destroyed, the princesses’ hearts should have been freed.” Which they were, but I guess those ladies can just find their own way home. “Don’t worry, [Junior],” Squally finishes. “If anyone can save your friend, you can.” Can we all stop pretending Junior is actually good at helping people? The only person with enough gumption to save Riku is probably Riku himself, which is unfortunate for him.

Freed from that interminable discussion of hearts, Junior decides to Talk to Everyone, and is rewarded with more heart talk from Squally. Dammit. Anyway, Squally is curious why the Mary Sues of Heart haven’t gone home yet, like they all have gummi ships or teleport pads at the ready. “Has the darkness taken them, too?” he asks in frustration. “Maybe it’s hopeless for ordinary people to oppose the darkness.” Fool, they ain’t got no ride! We just need to send a gummi party bus back to Hollow Bastion. Aeris drops a few anvils about a mysterious “someone” holding back the darkness, like we didn’t literally see Riku do just that. She also says Cid knows how to get to Hollow Bastion if they’re returning. And Yuffie just complains that the Heartless are getting stronger. Well, that was so very worth my time.

After taking care of some housekeeping–namely, getting the Mushu summon from the Fireglow gem he got earlier and then forgetting about it forever–Junior finds Cid in the First District so he can tell him, “Cid, I need to go back to Hollow Bastion.” Did that Navi-G get consumed on use, or what? Why can’t they just…go back? Cid doesn’t want to “let” him return, because of the exponentially increasing Heartless. God, that place must be one big, black, pulsating blob by now, the way everyone is talking. But Cid says they can go “around” the Heartless if they install a new Navi-G that can be found in Traverse Town’s Secret Waterway. “When I came here 9 years ago,” he explains, “I stored it there in case I ever needed it.” And when you need to store a gelatinous piece of candy for a decade, there is no better choice than a damp sewer. “Never thought a kid would be the one to use it!” he adds, which is in the running for Dumbfuck Statement of the Recap. Who ever thought a child would want this candy? Jesus Christ.

Well, I don’t ever want to deal with Cid again, but it looks like I have to find this Secret Waterway. Turns out it’s not really that secret at all–there’s an obvious entrance from the alley and a staircase leading down from Merlin’s house. And Token is already there, just hanging out and humming to herself. Good thing Cid didn’t hide anything actually important down here. There’s also a white trinity mark near Token. Activating this color requires each of our heroes to point their weapon upward and touch them together in a sad display of team unity. Even though Goofy has a shield and is ruining what I’m trying to do here, Junior and @%$#!!! get to gently tap their Keyblade and staff together. I hereby dub this act the Trinity Touch Wieners. Doing so nets them an Orichalcum, adding to my guilt about not using any of the item synthesis stuff I’ve gotten this entire game.

I really need to get Goofy a poleaxe or something.

Now for the Navi-G. Junior wades through the sewer to a dead-end wall with a goofy mural of a landscape and a bright sun. It looks like someone flooded an elementary school. When Junior approaches the sun, it shimmers and releases a sparkly something or other before changing into a crescent moon. It floats into Junior’s outstretched hands, and he now has the Navi-G. That was entirely too easy to be connected to the gummi ship. Junior tells Token they should all head back and rest, but while @%$#!!! and Goofy walk up the stairs, Token hangs back to have a sappy discussion with Junior about their feelings.

As Token’s Theme of Sad Coma Dreams plays, she stares at the moon mural now on the wall and breathes, “A light at the end of the tunnel…” Junior remembers that was part of a story her grandma told her. Token’s all, “That’s right,” like she can’t believe a man remembered something a woman said. Junior ignores this and asks, “You know what’s funny? I looked everywhere for you, but you were with me all along.” First off, that isn’t funny. Nothing about this is funny. Second, fuck you, Junior, you didn’t do shit. Third, fourth, and fifth, fuck you, Junior. “Finally, we’re together, [Token],” he goes on. Token is all into this and smiling at him, but he has to add to her chagrin, “Now, it’s time to get Riku back.” Token totally treats Riku like her boyfriend’s dipshit friend who always steals money out of her purse. Like Larry Butz, basically.

All Token can say to this is, “You think it’ll ever be the same again between us? Riku’s lost his…” It’s clear that she already has an answer in mind, and it’s an emphatic “NOOOOOOOO,” but Junior is not remotely picking up on this. Instead, he tells her, “When I turned into a Heartless, you saved me, remember?” Over more too-literal footage of Junior falling through blackness, he tells her, “I was lost in the darkness. I couldn’t find my way. As I stumbled through the dark, I started forgetting things–my friends, who I was. The darkness almost swallowed me.” I’m starting to wish the darkness would swallow me so I could get away from this scene. “But then I heard a voice–your voice,” Junior says. “You brought me back.” Thanks a lot, Token. Way to not do the universe a solid. But, Token says, “I didn’t want to just forget about you, [Junior]. I couldn’t.” As insubstantial and abstract as this entire line of thinking is, it leads Junior to an epiphany that their hearts are connected. “And the light from our hearts broke through the darkness,” he declares. “I saw that light. I think that’s what saved me.” I swear, if I get out of this scene alive, I’m going to live my life differently. I’ll finally read War and Peace. I’ll be a better person.

“No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within,” Junior is still fucking wanking. This is so terrible. “I guess it’s more than just a fairy tale.” You think so, sport? We’ve only spent what feels like decades of my life witnessing the literal power of hearts full of light and sunshine and puppies. Token is finally tired of talking and says they should go. But not back to Squally’s house for cocktail wieners and charades–she wants to go with him back to Hollow Bastion. “You can’t go,” Junior insists, and when she asks why not, it’s obvious that “Because you’re a girl” is right on the tip of his tongue. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Token is still totally useless, but fuck Junior anyway. He settles for, “It’s way too dangerous,” like that’s going to convince her. And then we see Token from his point of view, and he is staring at her A-cups so hard her considerably larger eyeballs aren’t even in the frame. What the fuck. “Come on, [Junior],” this faceless sack of undeveloped girl bits protests. “We made it this far by sticking together.” He finally looks up at her face as she insists, “You can’t go alone.”

I never thought it would be possible to be disappointed in this game.

Junior probably knows he is not smart enough to win this argument on merit, so instead he pulls out more rhetorical tricks to lull Token into doing what he wants. “[Token],” he says, “even if we’re apart, we’re not alone anymore. Right?” Their hearts are one! She’s inside him! Et cetera! Token asks, “I can’t help?” and he at least has the courtesy to be prickishly honest and tell her, “You’d kind of be in my way.” To this, she giggles and says, “Okay. You win.” Tee hee! I’d hate to trip on my apron strings and slow down my man! But to make sure Junior doesn’t forget that she was deep inside him, she hands him a keychain shaped like that stupid paopu fruit from the Island of Wankers. It has an even more stupid smiley face on it, too, because Token is also a huge dip. “It’s my lucky charm,” she snits at him, hands on her hips. “Be sure to bring it back to me.” He promises to take care of her shitty piece of plastic, which I guess is enough for Token to forget how thoroughly he just patronized her. “Don’t ever forget,” she tells him tenderly. “Wherever you go, I’m always with you.” Via a keychain! Their love is so dollar store! Junior applies the keychain, Oathkeeper, to his Keyblade so Token will stop staring expectantly at him.

And with that mercifully over, Junior returns to Cid to upgrade his gummi ship. This Navi-G obviously allows Junior to enter a warp hole to Hollow Bastion. Cid warns him one more time that it’s insanely dangerous, like the Heartless have the nuclear launch codes now. But Junior will have to deal with that next time, when he’ll make the return trip to Hollow Bastion, fight another suggestive purple beast, and call a cab for those stranded Mary Sues of Heart. Until then!