There is something truly liberating about getting as far away from the action as possible without losing Junior’s target and then casting Gravity on three ground-bound enemies. Alternately, I have Junior experiment with how low he can fly to the ground without automatically landing, so he can do fly-by beatdowns. In other words, this is fucking awesome. I don’t even remember how long it’s been since I experienced true joy playing this game.
WHEEEEEEEE!!!
Okay, I’m done. The Heartless are taken care of, and Peter decides it’s time to get cute with Captain Hook. He may or may not realize how much Hook would like that. Junior and Pete stand on either side of his cabin door while Pete knocks. “Is that you, Smee?” comes the timid reply. “Did you finish them off?” Oh, come now. Does Smee look like the type to finish anyone off? Pete makes these odd laughing faces without actually laughing, plugs his nose, and assumes the Mr. Smee voice: “Aye, Captain. They walked the plank, every last one of them.” Hook bounds out the door and looks left and right, left and right, complete with slapstick sound effects, leaving Peter Pan the opportunity to–hoo boy–stick his dagger right in Hook’s asscrack. Hook jumps and spins around, trying to hide his happiness. “P-Peter Pa–blast you!” he cries, and I swear to God he moves his arm in front of his face to conceal a grin. I saw a smile. Pervert.
‘And…jazz hands!’
Peter banters at this dirty old man, “Ready to make a splash, you codfish?” Is “codfish” a really nasty insult in Neverland or something? Or a pet name, maybe? “Now it’s your turn to walk the plank!” OH NOES, not that.
The boss battle isn’t just Hook–he recruits some flying yacht Heartless with big cannons to assist him. Pass the crack. Captain Hook makes a big show of how great a swordsman he is–he has moments where he flips his rapier around at lightning speed, just so show that he can. His speed makes him a little harder to hit, because he won’t freaking stay still, but otherwise this isn’t too hard. And amazingly, once Hook goes down–with a positively erotic groan–he is out for the count. He doesn’t come back as a genie, a giant version of himself, a giant version of himself that’s turned into a house, or anything else. I can’t say this is upsetting me at all.
The animation following the battle shows Peter Pan–who wasn’t even in the damn party–walloping Hook all the way into the water, where he is chased out of sight by his best friend the crocodile. I’m sure they’re snuggling together on a beach somewhere. Meanwhile, Junior learns the fabulicious ability Ars Arcanum and he receives the ninth installment of Ansem’s Report. Maybe we should sit down and read these things, and see what kind of guy this Ansem was? …Nah, not important.
On deck, Peter, @%$#!!!, and Goofy stand back while Junior has, seemingly, some quality wankst time near the railing. Goofy blurts out that Token, given her veggiehood, must have lost her heart, but @%$#!!!, in a rare display of tact, shushes him. Yes, God forbid Junior be sad about anything. They’re all trying to handle him gently–not like that, for the love of God–until Junior grins and says, “I really flew. Wait ’til I tell [Token]. I wonder if she’ll believe me. Probably not.” Peter tries to get in on the optimism, because he wants Junior’s Keyblade candy, and says Junior can bring Token back here to try flying herself. I don’t think anyone on this world would try looking up her skirt in the attempt, certainly. Junior turns to his friends and wanks, “If you believe, you can do anything, right?” No one says anything, either because they’re caught up in the moment or they’re trying not to burst out laughing at him. “I’ll find [Token],” he wanks on, “I know I will. There’s so much I wanna tell her–about flying, the pirates, and everything else that’s happened.” Go short-term memory!
Tinker Bell totally breaks up the mood when she flies in and tells Pete something about a clock tower and something that’s there. A phallic tower? I was wondering why this gayest of gay worlds didn’t have one yet.
The camera pans over nighttime London. No, seriously. Wendy is sitting with her legs dangling off the edge of Big Ben when the Wank Entourage flies over to meet her. I’m still stuck on London. Neverland is its own entity, yet in this game, London is on Neverland. So if there’s a Great Mouse Detective world in the sequel–and yours truly is hoping and praying for this–will that world be entirely contained within Neverland? When Alice fell into Wonderland, was the English countryside she fell from also in Wonderland? Or is it on the outskirts of Neverland? Did Jane travel from Neverland to Deep Jungle? Going cross-eyed, moving on.
Wendy gives Junior some words of encouragement involving Token, and then does a little hint-dropping. “Thanks to Big Ben, you can tell the time from anywhere in London. [AAAAHHH] But one of the clocks is off. I do hope it doesn’t confuse too many people.” After looting the darkest corners of the tower for puppies, Junior takes off into the air and checks out the clock faces. Three of them read twelve midnight, but one of them is stuck at a quarter till. With the Keyblade, Junior bangs the minute hand into place, no doubt fucking up the mechanisms of the internal clockwork like crazy with his dirty long-pointy-thing-on-long-pointy-thing action. As our heroes look on the whole clock face glows bright white, and a tiny keyhole appears between two and three o’clock. Of course Junior wastes no time in getting his freak on, and the keyhole vanishes with a fake-satisfied “Ahhhh.” I think I’m getting desensitized to this whole process.
And what better to follow up a Junior money shot than receiving a new Navi-G gummi? I must jump for joy. Off this clock tower.
And what better to follow that up than more flashbacks about The One True Fucking Door? We’re back to the Island of Wankers of Old, and Mini-Mini-Wank and Mini-Riku are having, if memory serves, the exact same conversation they had in the previous flashback. Fortunately, Mini-Riku is still fucking adorable, so I can deal. One of them adds that Token this mysterious new girl to the Island of Wankers arrived on the night of a meteor shower. Subtle.
‘I wanna be bad with keyholes, too!’
Mini-Riku hangs back for a moment and stares intently at The One True Fucking Door. Sinister organs. But no Billy Zane. Bummer! The flashback segues to a dark room with a fancy glass ceiling. Riku is grunting and groaning in a hot disturbing way. He’s actually kneeling before Maleficent, who proceeds to chew his ass for traveling without the use of a vessel. Or something. “Remember,” she anvils, “relying too heavily on the dark powers could cost you your heart.” Riku totally has this “Shut UP, bitch” look on his face the whole time she’s talking. Hee.
Mal’s lecture is interrupted by the roar of a beast. Or a Beast, if you prefer. Mal explains to Riku, “Though his world perished, his heart did not,” and it sounds like she’s doing a dramatic reading of her own lines. ACTING! “When we took the princess from his castle,” she goes on, “he apparently followed her here through sheer force of will.” But she tells Riku he shouldn’t be afraid, since he’s safe here, and besides, Riku is, like, totally a bad motha now. Maleficent decides it’s about time Riku started using all the lovely untapped power in his nubile young body, and does her dramatic, voice-raised, arms-out thing, which makes Riku start glowing green. So dark power is green? Riku’s a Slytherin? Got it.
Back to Neverland. Peter Pan is floating along as Wendy walks a lap around the clock tower. “Peter, are you really going back to Neverland?” she asks. But, you’re already in–forget it. Pete confirms that he is going back, as he has a gaggle of Lost Boys waiting for him, wink, but that they’ll see each other again, as long as she belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeves. He even grabs her hand. And Wendy totally buys it! Damn, he’s good. Junior, @%$#!!!, Goofy, and Tinker Bell watch this revolting exchange, and @%$#!!! starts quack-laughing again at Tink’s jealousy, but protects his bill before she can kick it. Not that @%$#!!! has any discernible boy parts, but you’d think he’d be worried about those. Tink casts @%$#!!! one contemptuous look and flies over to Peter to give him the bitch-out of his life. Pete notes that she’s “getting steamed” again, and with a “One fewer girl for my pile!” look, he asks Junior to look after Tink. Past the obvious trimming of the beards going on here, Peter Pan is not a very good friend. “She’s mad at me again! Well, she’s your problem now!” What a dick. On the bright side, three things: 1) Tink is a summon, and actually a pretty damn good one; 2) Junior gets the Fairy Harp keychain, which will no doubt make his Keyblade look totally macho and rugged; and 3) the gang can now use Glide. Not as great as flying, but it’ll do.
Penis!
After about thirty free-wheeling laps around Big Ben, Junior flies up to the save point on the top level of the tower and leaves Neverland. I won’t regale you with stories of my immediate return to the Jolly Roger to get items now accessible via flying, because hey, they were all fucking gummis. Out in gummi space, @%$#!!! and Junior establish that it’s time to go back to town again and give Cid that Navi-G they just got. The Rescue Rangers News Ticker (Sportscenter updates at :28 and :58) also informs me that Olympus Coliseum has opened up another tournament. Rapture.
So we come to Traverse Town for the second time in this recap. Junior has a grand old time gliding around everywhere, mostly for fun, but also for a treasure chest behind Merlin’s house. (More hapless puppies.) Finally, the trio finds Cid in the First District and hands over the Navi-G. After he’s run off to install it, it’s time for @%$#!!! and Goofy to give our hero a little pep-talk. “Now, just remember what [@%$#!!!] said to ya: no frowning, no sad faces,” Goofy says. For Junior is indeed frowning, with a sad face, no less. Junior whines that he doesn’t understand why they’re so cheerful, since Mickey is still nowhere to be found. But Goofy is irrepressible: “The king told us to go out and find the key bearer, and we found you.” Yeah, that’s something to be happy about. Not. “So as long as we stick together, it’ll all work out okay.” And the coup de grâce: “Ya just gotta believe in yourself, that’s all.” Goofy’s niceness is a façade. He totally hates me. Junior contemplates this. “Just believe…” he intones. He hears Token’s voice in his head, saying “I believe in you.” I think we’re getting acquainted with the Meat Tenderizer of Belief. It’ll be a constant companion for a while.
After Junior hears Token from the beyond or wherever her beautiful and pure Mary Sue heart is hanging out, the screen goes white for about five hours. When we return to actual animated stuff, Junior is flying toward an orange light. It’s like he’s the Millennium Falcon, zooming through hyperspace. More white screen. Junior staring at something. Token’s This Is So Fucking Tragic Theme. And now to the meat of the scene. As it were. Mini-Token is in a mysterious room filled with rays of sunlight, with an elderly woman (she might even be 40!). Well, the room will become known to us soon enough, but right now let’s play dumb. Someone–I think Junior–says “Where am I?” Ignoring him, the old lady tells Token a really long and mallet-filled story, which I will repeat here. To help your obviously low reading comprehension–after all, you’re gamers!–I will highlight pertinent words and phrases. I hope the theme of the story won’t be too subtle for you.
‘Hit it, Chewy!’
“Long ago, people lived in peace, bathed in the warmth of light. Everyone loved the light. Then people began to fight over it. They wanted to keep it for themselves. And darkness was born in their hearts. The darkness spread, swallowing the light and many people’s hearts. It covered everything, and the world disappeared. But small fragments of light survived…in the hearts of children. With these fragments of light, children rebuilt the lost world. It’s the world we live in now. But the true light sleeps, deep within the darkness. That’s the why the worlds are still scattered, divided from each other. But someday, a door to the innermost darkness will open. And the true light will return. So, listen, child, even in the deepest darkness, there will always be a light to guide you. Believe in the light, and the darkness will never defeat you. Your heart will shine with its power and push the darkness away. Do you understand, [Token]?”
Apparently hearing her name at the end of this garbage dump of metaphors that old bat called a story was a big reveal of sorts for Junior, who’s all, “[Token]!?” He’s floating near the top of the room looking down at Mini-Token. This gives us a better view of the room, a library, just so we’ll all recognize it when we go there later. Junior reaches out to the little girl, but watches open-mouthed as she disappears from view. And the white screen makes an encore appearance to end the flashback. We’re back with Junior in Traverse Town, who huhs like his pappy and wonders if Token is “calling” him. And now I just had a mental image of Junior going on the John Edward show. Really didn’t need that.
At least Cid is back now to bring some manliness and sense to this scene. He’s installed the navigation gummi on the ship, but he advises them against using it: “That place is crawling with Heartless. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He even gives Junior a Transform-G, as if to say, “I will drown your ass in more useless candy unless you listen to me! There’s more where that came from!” Well, I’m taking it that way.
Well, by now any fun I had flying around Neverland has been quashed by lame flashbacks and darkness and doors and blah, so I’m quite ready to hand the baton back to Kelly. Next time she’ll be getting the ball rolling on some things we don’t really want to do, but we’re going to do them anyway so you guys can get your Riku in a black hoodie in the rain. The things we do for love. Later!