Cut to Captain Hook’s Cabin of Underage Butt-Pinching, where Hookie and Riku are having a row, again. The Cap’n is pissed this time because Riku has just informed him that Wendy is not one of the Princesses of Heart. I can kind of see where he’s coming from–as we’ll soon see, with a couple of exceptions, the designated Mary Sues are depressingly mature for his tastes. Riku blahs that there are seven of the girls, like, we know, and that according to his sugar mommy Maleficent, Wendy doesn’t make the cut. He orders Hook to get ready to go, and to “Leave all the dead weight behind, including her.” Hook is most displeased. “After the trouble of capturing her?” Clearly he thinks this is a waste of perfectly good jailbait. “And why those seven?” he whines. “What is Maleficent planning, anyway?” Isn’t it obvious? She’s planning to take over the galaxy by boring its entire populace with dire, repetitive warnings about being consumed by DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKNESS. Don’t know how the girls figure into that, but hey.

Riku doesn’t really give a shit what she’s up to, because he’s only in this gig to find Token’s heart and bring her out of her Heartless-induced coma. Hook lets him know what he thinks of that, i.e., Riku is wasting his time. But Riku, who is frankly just as thick-headed as Junior, just in a different way, says, “I will find it no matter what.” Captain Hook leaves it at that, and doesn’t voice his opinion that they’re better when they’re incapacitated. I feel dirty, but I couldn’t not say it. Mr. Smee chooses this moment to inform Hook on the horn that Junior and Co. have escaped along with Peter Pan. “Blast that Peter Pan!” Hook snarls, as if he doesn’t have sweet dreams filled with green leggings every single night. But after a moment’s thought, he realizes the perfect way to lure that illegal dreamboat into his clutches, and orders Smee to bring Wendy to the Cabin. Ooh, that dog.

In the galley, Tink squeaks in the direction of the ceiling. A grate connects this room and the one above it, where Wendy Plain and Tall is waiting primly for someone to fetch her. “Please hurry!” she cries down at Peter. “The pirates are coming!” Yeah, I don’t think I’d like that, either. Peter acts worried and pledges to come get her right away, though inside he’s probably tingling at the thought of pirate orgies.

HOTT.

Junior speaks up before Peter can drag them all to the bukkake party. “Is there another girl in there with you?” he asks Wendy. Why yes, Wendy answers, there is. “But she seems to be asleep.” Apparently Token “sleeps” with her eyes open, because she’s staring down into the grate with a glassy, braindead gaze. Kind of how I look when the forumites squee over Junior/Riku. Junior, still internally entertaining this notion that he cares, holds out his hand to her and calls her name in a truly wanky fashion. And the little Riku-tease actually freaking responds, albeit in a very no-she’s-still-a-vegetable sort of way. But right then some pirates come in and drag both Wendy and Token away. And here I was, thinking we could grab the girls and fly out of here, conflict-free. Will I never learn?

And now I’m back in control in the galley. Junior finds a treasure chest in the corner of the room, which actually refuses to open when he lovingly taps it with his Keyblade, because he, and I quote, “Cannot carry any more Dispel-G.” I can see where this is coming from, since, in my vain effort to pay attention while the Gummi Ship of Recapper Annoyance was winging its way here, I noticed a lot of this very type of candy being sucked into the ship’s engines. And don’t get me wrong. You should know by now that I would rather go without the fucking gummi. But my anal-retentive completionist side is screaming at the idea of leaving a treasure chest unopened. And my getting-lost-in-dungeons side is getting kind of upset about it too, since the last thing I need when navigating in this game is leaving things behind which might confuse me later into thinking I haven’t been in this room already. I think the moral of this story is that I fucking hate gummis.

In another room–I don’t know how I got here, there were a lot of Heartless and I actually fell into the door–the boys find a save point and find my favorite thing in the world, a green trinity mark. One neck-humping, mind-scarring Trinity Tightass later, a ladder falls from the ceiling, giving Junior access to Hook’s cabin. If I were under 18 I wouldn’t be caught dead going in there, but Junior is not smart in these matters, and also he thinks he has to “save” Token or something.

Funny note: if you just stand here in front of the ladder and don’t do anything, @%$#!!! will try climbing up the ladder without you, will fall down again, and do this ad infinitum until you move. I approve.

Items and spells and abilities all set, and with Pete back in the party, the gang goes up the Hey, Are You Prepared for the Boss? Ladder. Junior runs in just in time to yell at Riku, who’s leaving with comatose!Token scooped up in his arms. I really have half a mind to re-nickname her TurtleNinja. But she hasn’t started narrating the game from unconsciousness, so I’ll leave her be. Riku says nothing to Junior, instead letting his dark powers speak for him–another Shadow!Junior appears, but this one has glowing yellow eyes and is generally more detailed than his predecessors. According to the strat guide this thing is called “Antisora,” a truly unique name for a clone boss if I’ve ever heard one. But it makes me wonder if there’s an alternate universe in which this sooted-up little bugger is the hero.

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Obviously, the clone and our heroes must do battle, since the epic confrontation with Riku needs to be in a more dramatic and climactic setting than Captain Hook’s Cabin of Underage Butt-Pinching. Once again, I am forced to admit my complete lack of skill at this game, because this battle is pretty hard for me. Anti-Junior has a triple HP bar, and right around the time you get him down to half his HP he starts splitting into multiple Junior clones, only one of which can be hit. Oh, and the second you do any damage to him, he disappears and you have to find him all over again. Also, he’s just fast and powerful enough–by this I mean he’s about ten times better than Junior in both aspects–that when Junior’s HP meter is down below half, I’m all, “Hmm, time to heal!” and then right when I select the item or Cure on the menu, the deadly blow comes. Not like that. That’s, like, incest. All this, combined with the usual uselessness of Junior’s companions, gives me multiple fun tries at conquering this boss. I’m so happy I could cry.

When the little bastard is finally defeated, he disappears in a puddle of his own black Heartless goo, and Junior obtains the Raven’s Claw. Raven = DARK!!! Nice touch, game designers. Afterward Junior and the boys are free to explore the cabin. On the headboard of a bed near the wall, Junior opens a chest to free three more of Pongo and Perdita’s brood. Do I even want to know what Hookie was doing with captive puppies next to his bed? No, it turns out I do not. Now, if that chest were accompanied by one full of candy and maybe one full of fireworks, I think we’d have enough to convict the perv. Then again, why narc to the feds when we can just kill him off?

Through another trap door we fall, and Peter Pan finds his beard. He tells Junior that he’s on his own now, since Pete has to help Wendy. Help her what, I don’t know. Max out her credit cards? Get some product for that drab hair? Whatever they’re going to do, Peter and Wendy bail, leaving Junior with a treasure chest (a Protega Chain) and a save point. Of course, it’d be too easy to have the door go to the lower deck of the ship–instead, the boys must fight their way back to the cabin. Whatever. I’m so happy about the prospect of getting to the deck, where there will be something to look at other than oak paneling, that I don’t really care about more Heartless at this point.

As soon as Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy are out on deck, Captain Hook is already making with the creepy. “Quite a codfish, that Riku–running off with that girl without even saying goodbye.” The underage exodus from the Jolly Roger continues! Poor Hookie. Junior tries to be intimidating and demands Hook tell him where Riku went. Surprisingly, Hook gives him a straight answer, rather than, “I’ll tell you if come polish my hook.” The Cap’n tells him that Riku has gone to Hollow Bastion, to hang out with Maleficent and write poetry about dark clouds and dark draperies over the soul and dark turkey meat.

“But you won’t be going there,” Hook drawls, as he pulls out a lantern into which he has stuffed Tinker Bell. Kinky. Junior stares at Hook and Tink like he actually has some emotional attachment to the latter. Hook raps the glass with his metal appendage and threatens, “Unless you intend to leave your little pixie friend behind?” Where I would be inclined to say, “Why yes, I certainly do,” and make a quick escape via the gummi ship, Junior groans in defeat and the Keyblade disappears from his hand. Hook makes this big show of being desperate for boy candy merciful and letting them live if Junior hands over the Keyblade. And then: “So, which will it be? The Keyblade, or the plank?” And he actually points to the plank sticking out over the water.

If he says ‘Huh?’ I will kill myself.

Wait…what?

No, really, he would actually try to kill them by making them walk the plank? Hello, idiot, it’s not a black hole down there. It’s fucking water. These guys have Mermaid Kick, okay? They recently defeated a big fat sea witch, who was Hook’s fucking colleague, so I think he’s probably aware of that. This is stupidity not unlike sentencing three people who can breathe underwater indefinitely to death by drowning in a canal. Dumbass. Dumbass dumbass dumbass.

Before Hook can subject Junior to his watery non-grave, everyone hears the sound of a clock ticking. A quick glance over the side of the ship shows that, indeed, the crocodile of Hook’s deepest nightmares has returned. He wilts like a delicate Southern flower at the sight of the monster and then runs off to his cabin, as he is overcome with the vapors. He’s going to be even more upset when he realizes his puppy stash is gone.

Meanwhile, Junior is on the plank, at the sword-point of about ten Heartless that I’m sure Junior and his friends couldn’t take in five minutes of button-mashing. And still with the plank. Jesus Horatio Christ. Yeah, I know the croc is down there now as well, but I think it can’t be any worse than that bloated shark in Atlantica, let alone Ursula, so whatever, this is still asinine.

Look, it’s Shion!

We can see, below Junior on the ass end of the plank, that the croc is waiting with eager, wide-open jaws for his skinny, probably-all-gristle dinner. Suddenly, Junior hears Peter Pan’s voice, whether in his head or from some other source: “Fly, [Junior]! Just believe, and you can do it!” There’s this really lame zoom-in on Junior’s face–with a whoosh sound effect and everything–as Junior closes his eyes and jumps backward off the plank. With a flourish–as much of a flourish as this little dolt can manage anyway, so not much of one–he uses the open jaws of the crocodile to springboard back into the air and suddenly OMG HE IS FLYING!!! THE HEART THAT BELIEVES!!!

Like Peter, Junior is also now covered in gold sparklies. God.

The next instant Peter himself zooms in and swipes Tink’s lantern prison away from Smee. Junior and Peter land together on the deck, all bosom buddies now or something. Junior thanks Pete as one fairy lets the other out of her prison, and Pete responds that he’d never leave him (or Tinker Bell) behind. They’re both getting a little googly-eyed. I think it’s love, guys.

Smee scampers off to safety and to write his memoir as one of the Seven Dwarves, Junior’s Cure magic becomes Cura, and I have the chance to rearrange the party for the boss now that Peter has returned. I actually decide to leave Pete’s ass out, because, well, he isn’t outfitted with items like @%$#!!! and Goofy are. Onscreen, I receive a short explanation on flying, which is alarmingly similar to the explanation on swimming. Sure enough, when I glance over at the strategy guide, I see Jiminy Cricket’s smirking, evil face next to the seemingly chirpy caption, “Flying Is Like Swimming!” I’d like to meet anyone who sees this as good news and beat them over the head with my Captain Hook action figure. Rapier included.

However, amazingly enough, flying differs from swimming in one key way: it is fun. Yes, the controls are exactly the same. I can’t tell you exactly what it is about flying that makes it so much better, but the motion is so much faster and freer and, well, WHEEEEEE!!! that even comparing it to swimming makes me bristle a little bit. That, and the time you are required to do it is an eyeblink compared to how much time you have to spend swimming. That might have something to do with it. At any rate, Junior takes to the air to spin circles around the Heartless, followed shortly by @%$#!!! and Goofy. I think it’s interesting that the two sidekicks are automatically able to fly as soon as Junior figures out how. Gameplay-wise this would suck, but I think it would be funny if one of them–say, Goofy–had some personal hangup about flying and was stuck on the ground while his friends did barrel rolls over his head.