Welcome back to my button-mashing nightmare, everybody! I’d say it’s been a fabulous break away from Junior and Pals, but I just spent the past several hours playing through the circles of Hell Kelly covered and it feels like I never even left. And now I’ve already depressed myself. A new personal best.

Upon leaving Halloween Town, land of macabre, screaming frustration and neon roulette wheels, Junior boasts, “I think my magic is as good as [@%$#!!!]’s now.” I fully expect some kind of nuclear blast to go off from the cockpit of the Gummi Ship of Recapper Annoyance, but @%$#!!! tones his distaste for Junior’s comment down to, “No way! Not in a million years.” It’s a good thing that Junior is not under the control of the AI like the other two, because if he were I’m sure he and @%$#!!! would be having a magic-off in every battle, wantonly flitting away their magic points to the chagrin and irritation of yours truly. Also, the last thing in the world I need right now is Junior turning something else into a penis-measuring contest. In short: shut up, Junior.

Goofy suggests that if Junior thinks he’s such hot shit, why doesn’t he go back to Traverse Town and work on his spellcasting some more with Merlin? Goofy, my dear, that’s assuming I ever had him work on his magic in the first place, which I can assure you I did not. Oh, it is to laugh. Nevertheless, now is as good a time as any to return to Traverse Town, given that it now takes five seconds with Cid’s handy-dandy warp gummi drive thing. I don’t even want to think about going back the long way. It would take years off my life.

Happy fucking birthday, Junior!

A few moments later, the gang is back in Traverse Town. Junior does some fruitless things like synthing new items just for the hell of it, selling duplicates of accessories, visiting Pongo and Perdita to accept lame gifts for rescuing their spotted spawn, and my favorite fruitless activity, talking to Geppedo to receive a new gummi ship blueprint. Not to disparage those of you who spend hours upon hours building custom ships made of fictional candy, but…I don’t know how to finish this one up, because it’s psycho. You can get through the whole game with the same dinky ship you started with. Off the top of my head I can think of a couple dozen better uses of my time, and I’m limiting myself to other RPG mini-games, so you see what I’m saying, here. Now, before you get mad, I’ll qualify my remarks by saying that there are probably boatloads of things in videogames I enjoy that everyone else finds tedious, stupid, painful, or all of the above (I’m looking at you, Ritapon), so instead of sending me angry emails you can just laugh at me as I laugh at you. Doesn’t that feel good?

Slut.

Finally, after a visit to the FF Throwback Twentysomethings to see if any of them have anything new or interesting to say (they don’t), Junior enters the Magician’s Study and speaks with Merlin. The old coot is all impressed that Junior has gathered all the first level spells, because it was so damn hard. But Merlin does hand over the Spellbinder keychain, so who am I to nitpick? I like free stuff.

With that, the boys haul ass to the save point and return to Halloween Town via warp for the trip to Neverland. Flying between the most recent world and the new world gets longer and longer each time I have to do it, which means tectonic plates will have shifted and formed a new continent by the time the gummi ship reaches its destination. The whole thing makes me so grateful for the warp drive that I could just jump through the TV and hump Cid’s leg. Not that I wouldn’t want to do that anyway, but you know.

The journey still takes forever, but we reach an unexpected halt when Goofy informs the others that there’s a big ship behind them. Hey, y’know, as long as it’s not a Cathedral Ship? It’s all good. Of course, the ship is the Jolly Roger, and despite that totally macho name, it’s kinda gay looking. Yeah, it tries to be legitimately menacing, what with the skull-and-crossbones flags on the masts and the skull figurehead, but the garish yellow trim, the practically pink wood flooring of the deck, and the penisy cannons and jib negate any attempts to make the Jolly Roger at all cool. Junior shrieks that it’s about to ram them, but before the poor Gummi Ship of Recapper Annoyance can get any lovin’ from that rammin’ jib, the scene cuts out. Censorship!

The Neverland logo welcomes us to the next scene, in which the Jolly Roger has landed on the world and is sitting serenely in the middle of some nondescript sea. Now, before we go any further, I should tell you guys that the strange recapping schedule Kelly and I have been on regarding this game was devised for two reasons: 1) so Kelly could recap Halloween Town and 2) so I could recap Neverland. No, I’m serious, I wanted this. With the actual world now fresh in my mind I have to say that I have no idea what the hell I was thinking when this arrangement was made, and it is entirely possible that Kelly slipped drugs into the brownies she sent me. But what the hell, I’m here now and I have to make the best of it.

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On the Jolly Roger, Junior is waltzing around the lower deck all by his lonesome, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. In the middle of his evening stroll a familiar voice says, “I didn’t think you’d come, [Junior].” Riku adds in a snide tone, “Good to see you again,” because it so obviously isn’t. Junior skips the pleasantries and asks what happened to @%$#!!! and Goofy. Riku’s panties ride up a little. “Are they that important to you? More important than old friends?” I love Riku and all, but he needs to chill out on the @%$#!!! and Goofy envy. It’s kind of pathetic. “Instead of worrying about them,” he goes on, “you should be asking…about her.” He steps aside to reveal Token, sitting on the deck in a drunken stupor. Junior freaks out at the sight of her, like, oh yeah, I was looking for her! Got a little sidetracked, didn’t you, honey? Can’t be helped. Why worry about one girl when he has keyhole bitches at every stop on the pike? “That’s right,” Riku sneers. “While you were off goofing around, I finally found her.” The camera is on Token’s face, as if to show her reaction to this revelation, but she emotes about as much as a stem of asparagus would.

Junior decides that now he has to get “his” girl back, but is stopped in his tracks by a shiny hook and a sinister voice. “Not so fast,” Captain Hook creeps. “No shenanigans aboard my vessel, boy. Unless you want to engage in those kind of shenanigans. But I want to watch. Or participate.” Have I mentioned that Hookie is a dirty pedo?

“Riku, why are you siding with the Heartless?” Junior yells. Hey, maybe they’re not such bad guys, when you get to know them, have a few drinks, go and meet their Heartless wives. Way to be judgmental, ace. “The Heartless obey me now, [Junior],” Riku replies, with this crazed, power-hungry look on his face. “Now I have nothing to fear.” Junior notices the change and points out that they’ll just get his heart eventually, no matter how nice of guys they are when you’re hanging out at the pub. Riku’s reply? “Not a chance. My heart’s too strong.” Seriously, beyond the cheese factor, what the hell does that even mean? That Riku’s soul is so bursting with light and beauty that the Heartless couldn’t touch it? That it pumps a lot of blood? That it doesn’t fucking matter because Riku’s in over his head anyway and the plot will eventually validate all of Junior’s actions?

Sigh.

In fact, Riku’s heart is OMG SO STRONG that he can pull some neato Heartless tricks and it won’t even bug him, see? He demonstrates to Junior by creating a shadowy Junior clone. The shadow floats there benignly while Junior stares at it in horror as if it’s an eight-months-pregnant keyhole. Riku smirks and says, “You can go see your friends now.” On cue, a trap door opens under Junior’s feet and he exits stage down. To Captain Hook and his cronies, Riku says, “Let’s get under way, already. And keep [Junior] away from [Token] until we’re ready to land.” So what, is he going to let Junior have his way with her once they do land? Confused over here. Hookie complains with flourishy waves of his good hand about Riku bossing him around. The Captain is supposed to be in charge. Like that. Mr. Smee wonders if something should be done. But the Captain is afraid of all the icky Heartless down below, so he’s fully prepared to leave the kid down there until they can have a little private Captain/slave cabin boy time. “But, Captain,” Smee stammers, “you-know-who is also down–” before he is cut off by Captain Hook’s paranoid prattling about a sound that only he heard. Police sirens, I would wager.

Warning: the following scene is one of those moments that makes me so mad at fictional characters that, rather than being able to coherently yell about how stupid it is, I just sit here and froth and shake my fists. I’ll try my best to verbalize it for you guys, though.

I have no words.

Below deck, we get an Extreme Close-Up on Goofy’s face as he says, “You don’t say?” Junior, also in ECU mode, answers, “Yeah, it was definitely [Token].” Dreamily, he adds, “I’ve finally found her.” OH MY GOD, NO YOU DI’NT. I wonder if Riku is used to everything he says going through Junior’s mind like water through a colander. Christ, seriously. You’d think he would feel even a smidgen guilty for gallavanting around with these two rejects while his friend tirelessly searched for their shared love interest, but no. Lest we forget Junior is the Moral Fucking Authority of Kingdom Hearts, and therefore nothing he does is ever questionable. Goofy says they should go chat with Token, and @%$#!!! (with an Extreme Close-Up of his own) agrees, but adds that Junior should get the fuck off of them already. Zoom-out shows that Junior is lying on top of the other two, no doubt having just landed from his fall from the trap door. So I get to listen to Junior chirpily congratulate himself for something he had no hand in, AND I get to see Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy tangled up like they just wrapped up a three-way? Whoo, best world ever.

Post-coitus, Junior peers through the viewing window in the door of their cell. From the back of the room, a very masculine voice asks if they’re looking for a way out of here. The owner of the voice somersaults into view and lands lightly in front of them. I didn’t think this was possible, but even after gay innuendo between Junior, @%$#!!!, and Goofy, and a scene with Captain Hook, this world just got even gayer. It’s Peter Fucking Pan. And “fucking” there is an adjective/expletive, not a verb. I’m sure I don’t need to describe him, but I will point out the highlights: all-green outfit including tights, V-neck tunic, and little hat, complete with festive red feather sticking out of the brim. He is the Proto-Twink. I would name him that, but I don’t think names get much gayer than Peter Pan. Why mess with perfection?

Try Squally’s.

Peter haughtily boasts that they’re not going to get out of here without him. “But you’re stuck in here too, aren’t you?” Junior asks. Peter insists that he’s merely waiting there for someone. Right as Junior asks who this mystery guest is, the person arrives as a tiny ball of light that flits annoyingly around Junior’s head. Peter berates his fairy friend for taking so long. Yeah, I know the fairy in question is actually female, but I still get to say Peter Pan’s best friend is a fairy. Leave me alone. Peter asks if Tink found Wendy, and Tink apparently squeaks that Wendy is trapped in some room with some other girl. Pete tries to hide his disgust and fails miserably. Junior watches this conversation with his trademark stoned gaze as Tink insists they leave Wendy here, and Peter says that’s out of the question. @%$#!!! comments, “She must be pretty jealous,” and chuckles duckily, which earns him a kick to the bill from Tink. Man, Peter is good. Not only does he have a beard, but he has two beards, and uses one to piss off the other. Wow. Either that, or he’s so stuck in the closet of denial that his wardrobe from last fall is closer to the door.

‘Ew, girls!’

Tinker Bell has had enough of this tease keeping her around just so he can half-heartedly pretend he likes some boring English girl, so she just flies out the window and leaves his ass there. I would say good for her, but she ends up unlocking the door anyway so he and his weird new friends can get out. Peter finally introduces himself to Junior, but pulls the psych!handshake and says they’re only working together until he finds Wendy. I’m guessing they have a date to go shoe shopping together.

For what feels like an hour, Junior, Goofy and Peter whack the ever-reappearing Heartless in the next room, huge balls flying everywhere as Peter Pan repeatedly shouts “Cuckookaloo!” at the top of his lungs. No…no. No man who makes that sound can be straight. It’s a little too “Kooloo-limpah!” for my tastes.

By some miracle, eventually the Heartless stop spawning, and Junior has a little time to explore the room. It is my favorite kind of room, a multi-leveled, confusing, chests-out-of-reach, sixteen-doors-but-eight-are-locked-can-you-remember-which-ones? kind of room. There is, for all my whining, only one way to go, and after a really embarrassing amount of time Junior gets to the next room, kills some barrel spiders–this place is getting better and better–and falls through a hole in the floor to a room that’s apparently a large walk fall-in freezer. And what’s there but a lot more Heartless, which seem to have six hundred separate spawning points in the room, plus that Shadow!Junior from before. At least killing the clone nets a lot of experience and money and a couple good items. Not to mention the fun of beating the hell out of something that looks like Junior.

The party must now go up a ladder through a second hole in this room’s ceiling to find the Jolly Roger‘s galley. I won’t tell you how many times I get disoriented and go back up the way I came and end up going back to the prison cell before I figure out what’s wrong. On the way to the galley, Goofy decides it’s a good time to chit-chat, and asks Pete how he’s flying. “Anyone can fly,” Pete answers. “You wanna try?” He whistles for Tinker Bell, who flits angrily into the room. Oh boo hoo, Tink. Even if Wendy weren’t in the picture he still wouldn’t fuck you. Anyway, Pete and Tink float over our heroes’ heads and give them a little golden shower. Of pixie dust. Jeez. Pete informs them that they are now capable of flying. Shit, there must be thousands of hookers who can fly and don’t even know it. @%$#!!! decides to give it a try and ends up flapping in the air for a couple seconds before landing flat on his face. Tink mocks him. We all do.