In the middle of my fetch-questing, I decide to talk to the FF Throwback Kids one more time. Selphie is waxing poetic about what we already know; that is, the romantic magic powers of the paopu fruit. She wants to try it sometime. Selphie, dear, I think you may want to reconsider. Riku is the only guy on this entire godforsaken island worth trying it with, and he’s obviously smitten with someone else. Wakka tells Junior of his plans to “do a little exploring” with Tightass. They’re gonna check out the “secret place.” If you read this and think it sounds sick, just imagine my reaction when I heard it in Wakka’s new “I want to rape you” voice. Finally, Tightass is out on the island where Riku was yesterday, practicing his sword “skills.” He wanks about Riku being a total badass and being able to beat him, Wakka and Selphie all at once by himself. “Well, I guess [Token] can always count on him,” he finishes, making sure Junior knows he’s being dissed. I hate to admit this, but I just laughed at something Tightass said. And I wasn’t laughing at him. Kill me.

Unfortunately, the one last mushroom I need is in the “secret place” Wakka mentioned. Considering there’s some “spelunking” going on in said secret cave, I’m a little afraid to enter it. But plot progression is plot progression. In the cave, there are all kinds of drawings on the walls. Junior notices one in particular, and we get a flashback of Mini-Mini-Wank (that’s Junior, kids) and Mini-Token drawing it together. Of course, it’s of them smiling at each other. Gag me. Junior sits down in front of it and adds to the drawing by making the drawing Junior give a paopu fruit to the drawing Token. So he actually did want one. Not that you or I care.

Junior turns around and finds a tall man in a brown hooded cloak standing in the shadows. He has a really creepy voice–Billy Zane’s creepy voice, if you must know. Billy Zane’s Voice wants to see the “door to this world.” Just when I thought I had escaped the door metaphor. This dude is so clearly from another world, even Junior can tell. The Voice rags Junior for being an ignorant wanker, to which Junior replies, “Oh yeah? Well, we’ll see! I’m gonna get out and learn what’s out there!” Whoever wrote that line is a little too fond of Reading Rainbow. Billy Zane’s Voice and the cloaked body attached to it disappear before Junior can further make an ass out of himself.

At last, he returns to Token with his foodstuffs. She gives him another Hi-Potion. Poor Riku. He’s barking up the wrong tree. They call it a day. A little while later, Token and Junior are sitting alone on the dock. Token says that Riku’s changed, although she doesn’t care to elaborate on this claim at all. I can take a few guesses as to how he’s changed, but I don’t want to label myself as a pedophile. Token wants to hijack the raft and leave Riku behind, so she and Junior can have their romantic love getaway. I puke. Even Junior thinks she’s a ho for being so mean to Riku. She reneges on her earlier statement–though she obviously meant it–and says she’s looking forward to leaving, because she knows they can always go back. Pffft, apparently she doesn’t know about dramatic irony.

Back to Walt Disney World. We finally get to see the contents of Mickey’s letter: he’s gotta leave for a while because stars have been “blinkin’ out.” There’s a kid with the key to saving everyone, and he needs @%$#!!! and Goofy to find him. Is there any possibility that we’ve met this kid? Hmm, maybe! Furthermore, @%$#!!! and Goofy are to go to Traverse Town and find some guy named Leon to help them. Wanna bet we know “Leon,” too? Hate to give away all these spoilers–they’re not obvious or anything–but yeah, we do. Minnie, Daisy, @%$#!!!, and Goofy pore over the letter and try to figure out what the hell Mickey is talking about. Donald promises to find the king and the key. Minnie wishes them well, and sends Jiminy Cricket along to chronicle their travels to other worlds. I really, really hate Jiminy Cricket. So much, in fact, that I’m renaming him Beelzebub. Just because I can. After Goofy tries one last time to get out of going anywhere with @%$#!!!, they’re off.

As they head down to the castle basement, Beelzebub explains that his world was destroyed and everyone he knows was scattered. This means I’m probably going to see Pinocchio at some point, too. Great. @%$#!!! uses this moment to “segue”–and by “segue,” I mean “clumsily transition to another random topic”–to the fact that he and Goofy will need to wear disguises in the various worlds so they fit in. Since nobody is supposed to know about the different worlds, even though it’s obvious that all kinds of people do anyway. The three reach their destination: the gummi garage. Gummi ships are used to travel to other worlds, which means Square gets to add another facet of “been done before” to this game by making the gummi ships a tacked-on, pointless, irritating mini-game. I hope my level of excitement is emanating through your monitors right now. The gummi garage is run by Chip and Dale, which makes me start singing the Rescue Rangers theme song in spite of myself. What? I loved that show. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chip and Dale get ready to launch them as Pluto jumps into the cockpit at the last minute. @%$#!!! tries to look all badass as they take off, but he wasn’t expecting the ship to go down instead of forward. This, of course, causes him to start cussing in his duck language again. Ha.

L’Île de Wankers. It’s nighttime, and Junior is thinking happy thoughts about him and Token having fun and ignoring Riku on their great adventure. His musing is interrupted by the sight of some lightning and heavy storm clouds near the cove. “Oh, no, the raft!” he wanks, and jumps out the window. A woman’s voice, presumably Junior’s mother’s, calls to his now-empty room that dinner’s ready. Hang on a second. Was I the only one who assumed these kids were all orphans? For once, the cliché has been denied!

Junior reaches the shore and sees Riku and Token’s boats at the dock. More importantly, he sees a giant Black Ball of Doom hovering in the sky. Crap. There are also a bunch of shadow bugs running amok across the island. Crap crap. Junior runs out to the smaller island, where he finds Riku. His first question, of course, isn’t “Are you okay?” or “What’s going on?” but “Where’s [Token]?” We always need to know where Mary Sue is, or the story falls apart, you know. Riku isn’t himself, though. He mumbles something about the door being opened. Thank God someone opened it. I’d say this is the end of the blathering about the door, but unfortunately for all of us, it isn’t. Riku says that they’re all going to the outside world, by jumping into the Black Ball of Doom. I think he’s been into Wakka’s stash. “We may never see our parents again,” he says randomly. How is it that they had parents all this time and we only hear about them in the last five minutes? Anyway, Riku’s not afraid of the darkness, and he shows it by letting said darkness swallow him and Junior up, à la the five million times it happened to Junior in the opening tutorial/dream sequence. The darkness has taken over and–stop me if you’re too shocked by this–a light pierces it and materializes in Junior’s hand. It’s a big-ass key. I know, Mickey talks about a mysterious key, and now this key shows up? That’s just a crazy coincidence. The Random Text God makes a cameo appearance to tell us three or four times that this thing is called the Keyblade. Thanks a lot. Now that Junior’s got the Keyblade, he can actually stand a chance against the wussy shadow bugs. I notice a familiar-looking door over by the secret place, so that’s where Junior goes. Inside the cave, Token is standing by another wooden door. She turns around and looks to be in a trance. A girl in an RPG, in a hypnotic state? This game just shatters all the stereotypes, doesn’t it? The wooden door opens and dark power blasts Token through Junior and then sweeps him out of the cave, too. That wasn’t pointless or anything.

Outside, the Island of Wankers is fast becoming no more, thanks to the Black Ball of Doom. Junior comes to and immediately has to fight another Darkside. Since Junior has a better weapon now, and since I’ve had the experience of fighting one of these already, it’s pretty easy to defeat. Not that it matters–win or lose, everything on the Island of Wankers gets sucked into oblivion, Junior included. Yay!

Will Junior, Token, and Riku survive? Will we see any more light and shadow metaphors? Is Tightass really dead and gone forever? How many doors need to be opened in this game? I won’t be the one to tell you–Kelly’s taking over next time for some Traverse Town fun. This recap has gone on quite long enough already. See you in part 3!