Junior hunts around the island for the needed items and finds them pretty quickly. The real point of this exercise is to get to know the island and its inhabitants. Therefore I go meet with the Final Fantasy Throwback Kids. First up is Wakka. He’s standing toward the back of the beach, tossing his blitzball around and generally looking like a dumbass. I cringe at the horrible voice acting. It’s like his voice actor actually got stoned and then tried to impersonate FFX’s Wakka. I challenge him to a fight. Wakka says “Show me your stuuuuuuuuuuff” before fighting. Perv. It takes me a few tries to beat him, which hurts my pride, because I let him beat ME, but I laugh, too, because Junior isn’t even cool enough to take Wakka.
Next Junior finds Selphie sitting on the dock. Her voice sounds just like it should: like Barbie just ate five pounds of Pixy Stix. It should be noted that Selphie no longer fights with nunchaku. Rather, her weapon of choice is a…jump rope. It’s like watching the new version of E.T. I wonder aloud if Squall’s gunblade will later be replaced by a walkie-talkie. After beating Selphie, it’s time to do what I’ve been both dreading and looking forward to since the game started: I have to go talk to Tightass. And then I have to kick his sorry ass.
Tightass happens to be on the wooden deck from the “dream sequence.” He asks if Junior’s “feeling lucky today.” Ew. Ew. Ew. Tightass is, according to the strategy guide, the most difficult opponent of the FF Throwback Kids, but Junior manages to beat his ass just fine. Five times. He blames his loss on being “really off today,” but we all know the truth–as much of a wanker as Junior is, Tightass is still King. And don’t ask me about the logistics of naming Sora “Tightass, Jr.” when Tightass is a little kid in this game. The game designers don’t care about making sense, so I don’t have to, either.
But I’m the star player of the Zanarkand Abes!
Finally Junior heads out to the smaller island and meets Riku. “This one decides the champion!” Riku says as they get ready to square off. I don’t want Junior to be champion over Riku, because Riku is infinitely cooler. So I resolve to lose, and lose badly. That isn’t hard, as Riku is a formidable opponent. Throughout the battle Riku talks trash, such as “You still don’t got it” and “I’m going to make you my royal puppydog bitch.” If only that second one were real. Afterward, I giggle with glee as Junior pouts over losing to someone cooler, smarter, and better-looking than him.
I make Junior go back to where Token is trying out her favorite methods of giggling. She hands him a Hi-Potion she found. Junior’s totally oblivious to the significance of her giving him gifts. He would be. The day’s work completed, the three kids sit out on the island and contemplate Life, the Universe, and Everything. At least, Riku does. Basically, Riku wants to leave the island to see other places, and he’s making Junior and Token come along so he has people to make fun of. It’s all so inane that it’s not even worth repeating for recapping purposes, until, in answer to one of Riku’s questions, Junior says, “I don’t know.” Riku’s response? “Exactly.” Ha! I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Well, in your case, I’m guessing that God hates you.
Token notes that Riku’s been thinking a lot lately, which is oh-so-unusual on the Island of Wankers. He says it’s because of her arriving there that he’s been doing all this thinking about seeing new places. He freaking thanks her just for showing up and being cute, since her adorableness inspired his hormones, er, thoughts. She giggles like an idiot, again. Can we say Mary Sue?
As the kidlets head home for the evening, Riku calls out for Junior to wait up and chucks a star-shaped hunk of fruit at him. “A paopu fruit?” Junior wanks. Riku exposits that if two people eat one, “their destinies become intertwined and they have many wanker babies together.” He knows Junior wanted to try it, so here’s one free of charge! That Riku, too nice for his own good. Even if he’s laughing his ass off about it. Junior puffs up with anger that Riku would have him on like that, and throws the paopu fruit into the ocean. What an asshole! The scene fades out.
And now for something completely different: Walt Disney World. Okay, it’s not Orlando per se, but the castle shown in the camera pan is meant to look just like it. A lyric-less version of “M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E” plays in the background as Donald Duck, dressed in purple wizard’s robes and a really gay-looking pointy hat, walks down the great hall of the castle. He clears his throat in front of a honking huge set of doors, and a little door opens at the bottom to let him in. He says, “Good morning, Your Majesty” as he walks toward the throne. A tapestry with the Mickey Mouse logo hangs above it–clearly, we should know who the king is. Donald’s morning pleasantries die in his throat when he sees the throne: empty. Pluto appears behind it with a letter in his mouth. A few moments after Donald reads it, he bolts out of the throne room, screaming quack-like obscenities at the top of his lungs. This amuses me, and I decide it warrants a new name for Donald. From now on, we shall call him @%$#!!!.
@%$#!!! runs out to the courtyard and finds Goofy, in knight armor, snoozing away. He yells at Goofy to wake up. @%$#!!! knows as well as I do that he’s not getting anywhere, so he tries the more direct approach of zapping him with a bolt of lightning. I laugh again; I can tell that @%$#!!!’s penchant for being a total bastard is going to be the high point of this game. Goofy finally wakes up. @%$#!!! tells him they’ve got a big problem, but they can’t tell anyone, not even Queen Minnie. Of course, right when he says this, Minnie and Daisy Duck show up right behind him. I’m amused by @%$#!!!’s reaction, but I’m more amused by Minnie’s gigantic freaking head. It’s at least two and a half times bigger than it should be. Queen Bighead puts Garnoa to shame.
But he doesn’t get lightning magic until…oh, forget it.
Back on the Island of Wankers. The next day, Riku and Token are both out in the cove, as Josh puts it, “the place where the wanker children aren’t allowed.” Well, that would be true, except Junior’s there. At the far end of the cove, Riku is standing around, apparently sulking about something. He asks Junior what he wants to name the raft. I decide an apt name for it would be “Wankraft,” given who’s naming it. Not me, you idiots, Junior. Riku has other plans, so they decide to have a race. But naming the raft isn’t a good enough prize for Riku. Junior says something stupid about the winner getting to be “captain,” but is cut off by Riku saying the winner gets to eat the paopu with Token. And he’s totally serious this time. Give me a break. Token starts the race for them–they have to run to the other end of the cove and back. Again, I don’t like the idea of Junior being better than Riku in any way, so I make him dog it. It kind of sucks that the raft won’t have my wanktastic name, but Riku gets to look cooler, and Junior gets to pout some more. He even does the Tightass Pufferfish Face.
Once again, Junior lives up to his namesake.
Today the fetch quest entails collecting food supplies for the big raft trip. Token asks Junior to find three mushrooms, three fish, two coconuts, and a seagull egg, and fill up a water bottle. None of these things are a problem except for the coconuts. You have to hit the trees with Junior’s crap-ass wooden sword to make the coconuts fall down. Unfortunately, you can’t pick the damn things up, like the durian fruits in Mario Sunshine. I struggle with this until I realize you have to pick up the different-colored coconuts that randomly fall out, not just any coconuts. Stupid game designers.