Ryudo and Mary Sue’s comments are, if possible, even stupider and cause me much pain, so they don’t get to be recapped either. I’m sure you guys feel cheated, but it’s Christmas and my present to myself is this one tiny piece of my sanity. There’s not a damn thing you can do about it. And with that, the ChoadChat is mercifully over. Time to go to bed in preparation for tomorrow’s exhausting fifteen minutes of traveling.
Is that like choking the chicken?
The next day is more of the same — caves, waterfalls, and mountain paths. A whopping twelve minutes later, the party reaches their goal, the St. Heim Papal State. Since Ryudo’s original contract was to escort Mary Sue safely to the pope, his job — and association with Mary Sue — should be nearly at an end. I hope none of you actually buy that. We’re about eight or nine hours into this piece of crap, and I’ve played enough games to know better than to expect the game designers to rid me of the most annoying party member. No, even if I’d never played this game before, I would automatically assume that some sort of plot contrivance would occur in order to saddle me with Mary Sue for the foreseeable future. I’m not trying to act psychic here — I’m just trying to warn you guys so that you don’t get your hopes up. Because I care.
No.
Unlike the other cities where the camera lovingly caressed every nook and cranny upon the party’s first visit, this time the camera stays focused on the party and the cobblestone streets. A couple of angel statues stand on either side of the path, but that’s all we can really see. A “Gate Guard,” who appears to be a man in a skirt, approaches the party and wants to know their business in the capital. I can’t tell if he’s only supposed to let authorized visitors in, or if he’s just making polite small talk, because he doesn’t even question Mary Sue’s stated mission and offers to escort her to the Cathedral right away. Which would leave the gate unguarded, as if that would be much different.
PENIS!
Suddenly Mary Sue gets cold feet and stammers that she’ll go see the pope tomorrow. The guard is all, “Yeah, I’ll go tell Zera you’re here,” right before returning to his previous post. I’m not sure this guy has any purpose whatsoever. Homosexual Anime Grin in full force, Ryudo tards, “And so the mighty warriors come to the end of their lengthy, needlessly complicated journey! You did good, kid. Must be tired.” Yes. Yes I am. Oh, he wasn’t talking to me. Even so, I think I did do pretty well — I managed to not drink myself into liver failure from dealing with this game. Mary Sue, still unaware that she’s stuck in the middle of a cliched RPG plot, wonders what Ryudo will do now that the job is over and he doesn’t have to remain with her any longer.
Well, there is that one dangling plot thread with Ryudo’s pungent brother Smellfice and his evil destructive behavior. According to Ryudo, this is his next piece of business. Ludo essentially says, “I’ll go with you!” — since he has that personal vendetta against the guy and all. Tidink doesn’t want to leave his sugar daddies, but he’s also itching to read up on all the exciting church stories in the Cathedral. Wow, that is a tough choice. Loser. Ryudo’s an even bigger loser because he’s willing to wait for the kid before taking off on the next leg of his journey.
Hee….’long, hard’…
Now that they’ve acted like their next course of action won’t be completely hijacked by Mary Sue and her problems, Ryudo asks Mary Sue why she doesn’t want to get things over with today. She makes up some story about wanting to be “neat,” meaning that the random battles messed up her hair or something. Ryudo accepts this without question, and the party decides to call it a night after that grueling twelve minutes of battling. Twelve minutes, people!
That will only work if your son is into sadism.
Even I’m not that damn lazy, so I have other plans for the party. Namely, Buy Some Shit. The rousing round of Talk To Everyone can wait till later. Equipped with their fancy new weapons and armor, the party settles in for a dinner at the inn. The good news is, the following dialogue is not technically a ChoadChat. The bad news is, it might as well be. It’s official — the game designers are trying to kill me.
*snerk*
To further add to my suffering, this ChoadChat Lite isn’t accompanied by a jaunty, light-hearted tune like the other two. No, this one features the Sappy Piano of Wankst plunking along in the background. As Ryudo drowns himself in alcohol and Ludo shoves giant hunks of meat down his throat, Mary Sue thanks the party for helping her to not get killed. I can’t fault her for this — she’d be kind of an entitled bitch if she didn’t express her gratitude to the others. It’s just that the game designers go out of their way to make this scene annoying even though it doesn’t have to be. Ryudo totally lies that Mary Sue did her “fair share.” Well, I guess it’s not a lie if “fair share” means “fair share of wanking and generally pissing Jeanne off.” The other two party members are all, “Yeah, it’s been fun dealing with stupid people’s problems!” At least I think that’s what Ludo’s saying. Of course, Mary Sue won’t let it rest and starts down a disturbing path of “I really wish I could think of some way to thank you properly!” “It’s my job. Don’t mention it,” Ryudo replies.
Uh-oh, that was the wrong response! Dramatically pushing herself to her feet, Mary Sue cries, “Don’t say that! Ryudo…” See, he was supposed to say, “I did it all for you because I LUUUUUUUUUUUURVE you and not for the money!!!!!!!” Patience, Mary Sue. You’ll have him totally brainwashed before the end of the game. Just let him have some non-vomit-inducing moments until then, okay? A random priest interrupts this douchebaggery to summon Mary Sue to the temple right this instant. Apparently, Pope Zera doesn’t give a crap about her level of cleanliness — he just wants to get this meeting over with. I can’t blame him. In spite of Mary Sue’s further attempts at excuses and procrastination, the priest doesn’t give her a choice. Pope Zera expects to have dinner with her right this God damn instant. Oh, gross, that sounds like a date.
Of course Mary Sue has to get jittery so that everyone can reassure her and wish her luck. “Your kindness is indeed a rare treasure, [Mary Sue]…” Ludo adds, causing me to roll my eyes. Now that we’ve established that Mary Sue is so perfect and nice and wonderful and everyone is all concerned about her, she feels okay about leaving. But first, she has to stop in the doorway and turn back to deliver her “final” message: “Thank you all for everything you have done… I will not forget you!” She acts like she’s going off to her death, for Granas’ sake. Is Pope Zera some sort of serial killer and no one told me? But wait, if the pope turned out to be EEEEEEEVIL, that would be a total cliche, which has no place in this game. Forget I said anything.
When Mary Sue finally fucking leaves, the rest of the party sits in awkward silence until Tidink contributes, “Miss [Mary Sue]… she’s gone…” NO! The responses that follow are no less obvious or less irritating. Especially Ryudo with, “Yeah… the job’s done, but I’m feeling… …a little sad about the whole thing. Go figure.” Oh, Christ in a coke bottle. Yes, he’s in love with her and his life is so empty and lonely without her. Can we not focus on this any more? Or ever mention it again?
The scene fades out on that bit of fucktardedness and switches to a scene that’s sure to be a real barnburner: Mary Sue talking with some guy in an elaborate outfit. Although none of his text boxes include the ever-important character portrait, it’s safe to assume that the man in question is Pope Zera. The pope hat and huge, decorative robe are a dead giveaway. Also, I can’t tell if he’s fat or if he’s just wearing a ton of layers, but he’s not a small man. From the comfy pink chair and the desk full of papers and writing implements, it would appear that they’re in the pope’s office. For some reason, the pope also has a small pipe organ in there. I would make an organ-related penis joke, but the first Phoenix Wright game already beat me to it.
“I can see it… the Day of Darkness is near. Valmar’s Moon too — its vile shadow is growing ever stronger,” Zera tells us what we already know. “Valmar is certainly attempting to revive. You must understand this,” he continues. Yes, I think I do understand this, what with fighting and otherwise interacting with a slew of his body parts. It just so happens that Zera has someone in mind to carry out the task of resealing Valmar and that, naturally, is Mary Sue. Because I just can’t think of a better candidate than someone who’s already been possessed by the very being they’re trying to seal away. But wait! Zera mentions that another object is necessary for this endeavor, and that is “the Divine Sword, the Granasaber.” And we know that a lowly female RPG character like Mary Sue could never wield a sword! But who, oh who, will step up to this task?
No pressure.
According to Zera, not only is the fate of the world dependent on sealing Valmar away, but Mary Sue’s own well-being requires this as well. Thank God — I know I would be so upset if the world were saved only for Mary Sue’s problem to still exist. Once Mary Sue agrees to this assignment — with no argument whatsoever, because it’s from the Church — the screen fades out again. Blatant exposition scenes are the best. At least it was short.
Back at the inn, Ryudo and the others have presumably finished their meal and are standing next to the table in the common room. To my delight, Ryudo is still wanksting over Mary Sue’s departure. Tidink, on the other hand, is more upset that without Mary Sue in their party, they won’t be able to visit the Cathedral. “Miss [Mary Sue] often spoke of the confrontation between Light and Darkness. But I don’t quite understand… at all,” he says. Yes, that particular plot point is so very cryptic. Because of his inability to grasp this simple bit of exposition, he wants to study it at the Cathedral. I’m not sure why something that appears to be common knowledge to the general population requires intensive study at the religion’s HQ, but maybe that’s just Tidink and his pea-sized brain.
I’d rather not.
Just then, another generic priest enters the inn and asks for Ryudo. Randomly reverting back to his sarcastic personality, Ryudo retorts, “What is this? I’m busy. Didn’t your Church drill some manners into you? Or did it just drill through your head?” As much as I enjoy his less sappy side, it’s not like the guy barged into his room and started preaching at him. Take some Midol, Ryudo. In spite of not doing anything wrong, the priest apologizes to Ryudo and delivers an immediate summons from Pope Zera. “Look, I realize word of my amazing singing voice has spread everywhere, but I’m not interested.” See? Now that’s amusing. Why can’t he be like this all the time?
The mental images hurt me.
The priest adds that Pope Zera has a “special request” for Ryudo, and that his “companions” are invited as well. Hoo boy. I’m just going to say it — Tidink’s probably the only party member that would interest the pope. Don’t act all offended — you were thinking it, too. Ryudo also seems to think that Pope Zera’s “special request” isn’t exactly above the board. Although Tidink hasn’t shown a lot of self-preservation skills so far, even he seems a little wary. He clumsily exposits, “What kind of person is His Holiness Zera? I understand he is said to be ‘The Sage Who Will Save the World.'” He is? I don’t remember hearing that before. For once, we’ve actually learned some new information, as random and silly as it is. “The Sage Who Will Save the World” isn’t exactly something you can put on a business card. “Which isn’t nearly as impressive as ‘The Sage Who Will Save His Breath.” This better be quick,” Ryudo bitches. I have to agree with him — I’m not exactly in the mood to recap lots of long-winded dialogue. Oh, the feeling of dreadful foreshadowing.