At this very moment, Ryudo makes a startling statement — he wonders if Samara is the possessed individual. And he only needed 500 clues to figure that out. Mary Sue scoffs at this idea — surely Samara is an innocent and pure child. She couldn’t possibly be the least bit evil. Children are never creepy or wicked! Ever! They are perfect!

Thankfully, Mary Sue’s retarded dipshittery is cut short when a random villager enters. Since it’s the next morning and all, Selene has begun her interrogation at the Town Hall. Frantic, Mary Sue decides that they must go and tell Selene all about the previous night’s events. “The villain is not of this village — not even a person!” she morons. Wait, didn’t Selene already say that she’s there to hunt down Valmar? And didn’t this band of idiots already decide that someone is possessed by Valmar, even if stupid Mary Sue is in denial of the obvious fact that it’s Samara? So how does that make Selene’s mission any different — she’s still going to hunt down the possessed person.

It turns out that Ryudo’s more worried that Selene will “frame someone.” And I’m so sure that bursting in there, babbling about flying eyeballs, broken seals, and the unconscious innkeeper will not look at all suspicious in the eyes of a scary religious zealot. If we’re lucky, Selene will exterminate the entire lot, and we’ll either get a better group of characters or the game will be over. Either way it’s a win, except for the money I spent on this game. Yes, you can all point and laugh now.

At the Town Hall, the group finds eight sleepers lying on the floor, quite the increase over the previous day. Ryudo comments that it “didn’t take them long to round up the town.” I’m not sure if he’s being a sarcastic smartass or not. Maybe so, since it sounded like the entire village was supposed to show up for the interrogation. Selene enters behind them, babbling about starting the purification ASAP in order to find the jerk who’s causing this mess. And it just so happens that I have some candidates I’d like to recommend for said purification.

Ryudo freaks out on her: “You’re sniffing up the wrong leg, Priestess! We saw the Darkness last night! Flying eyeballs! They should be dealt with first!” Wait, so first Valmar was responsible, then the eyeballs, then Valmar again, and now we’re back to the eyeballs? The brain, she hurts. Selene goes back to what Ryudo said earlier — the eyeballs are merely Valmar’s bitches. Plus, she sounds like she thinks these eyeballs may be the result of Ryudo dipping into his special Geodude happy stash. Now, I don’t like Selene, not least because her name is similar to Celine Dion’s. And Celine Dion has done horrible things like that vomit-inducing baby book. I could scrub my eyeballs for weeks and not get that terrifying sight out of my mind. So I can’t just ignore that connection. But I think that Selene has some good points here, regardless.

Ryudo continues to freak, throwing in some extra punctuation in order to really be taken seriously. Mary Sue, on the other hand, still has some asskissing tendencies around the creepy church folks. She begs Selene to save rather than burn the villagers. “Oh yes, they shall be saved. You see, there is one with a corrupt soul who has brought disaster to this village,” Selene assures her. According to Selene, only this one morally bankrupt asshole needs the fire and brimstone treatment. With that proclamation, she heads out to do God’s work.

It seems that Mary Sue isn’t even willing to sacrifice one villager for the greater good. Every NPC deserves to live or something. “I know, I know. But we have to find out who — or what — is controlling those eyeballs,” Ryudo decides, back to his original plan. Or would that be his second plan? I’m getting kind of lost with all this back and forth shit. Ryudo’s still bitter about his bad dream, but he tries to make it seem like he’s all put out that the eyeballs are making everyone have nightmares. And because of this, they must be stopped!

Ludo brilliantly suggests that they explore the cave some more. Awesome. This makes me so very happy. As they head in that direction, however, creepy little Samara calls out to Mary Sue. “Did you come to see me? Did you want to play?” Samara asks in that let-me-come-out-of-the-TV-and-eat-your-soul type of way. Mary Sue is all, “Um…” “Let’s go to a fun place. To a place where there’s no suffering and no pain…no bad memories…” Samara monotones. I’m glad I have all the lights on right now. Because that shit? Seriously scary. Brrrrrr.

After some more shit about going to a “happy place,” Samara runs into the wooden shed at the back of her house. “That [Samara]… There is something a little odd about her,” Tidink tards. DURRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can no longer see my game footage after that blinding flash of the obvious, but I think the characters decide to follow Samara into the shack. Because that seems like such a sensible idea.

The shed appears to be of the Magical Growing variety, because it’s at least ten times bigger on the inside. And full of junk, of course. I don’t even want to think about how many spiders must be in there. I like how the little location text box pops up with “MIRUMU, SHED” when I enter, like this information is essential. I don’t think even I could get lost in here.

For some reason, the party isn’t content with simply being alone with Samara in an enclosed space — they have to approach her as well, the freaks. Instead of pulling some scary voodoo magic on the group, Samara goes into wankst mode. “My mother had a hard time because of me. She would buy medicine and look for herbs, working from dawn until dusk.” But it wasn’t the random drugs and plants that Sandra fed to her daughter that cured her blindness — it was prayer! With this proclamation, Samara jumps down a hole in the floor. And of course holes in wooden shed floors often lead to happiness and light. Here we go!

It turns out that the hole leads to the underground platform with the broken seal. Samara herself stands in the center of the platform. So it looks like the moral of the story is “Don’t build your house over an ancient seal of Granas because when that fucker Valmar breaks out, your daughter might jump down through the hole in the shed floor and get possessed.” It’s a tale from which we all can learn.

From her spot under the broken seal, Samara preaches about peace and love. But she manages to make it sound — wait for it — creepy. “I wanna help everyone!” she creeps. And so we’re back to the whole concept of the Creepy-Ass Garden. According to Samara, “It’s a really nice place. I’m gonna have everyone come to the [Creepy-Ass Garden]. No one will fight. Everyone will live together peacefully. They’ll forget all the bad things.” Actually, as a recapper, that last one sounds tempting. But yikes! Accompanied by a flash of light, Samara uses her Special Scary Child Powers to pull everyone into the Garden.

Unnerving Piano Solo in F minor plays behind Samara’s next disturbing monologue. Apparently, she acquired some other special talents along with her sight — the aforementioned Child Sensitive To Otherworldly Phenomenaâ„¢ abilities. Basically, she now knows what people are feeling. She explains that her mother wants to fit in with the villagers, who are a bunch of hateful assholes. Samara’s motto is “Why can’t we all just get along?” So she wants to use her Creepy-Ass Garden to make everyone better human beings. And happier ones.

Turning toward Mary Sue, Samara continues her explanation. When people enter the Creepy-Ass Garden, they forget about all their bad experiences and become fairies. So that last part is kind of like visiting Hyrule or FFVIII-land. After some more monologue that beats us over the head with the fact that Samara is stealing everyone’s souls and forcing them to live out her fantasies of happiness in the Creepy-Ass Garden, Mary Sue tells her to knock it the fuck off. “You are not doing anything wrong, but… but…” Mary Sue trails off, unable to hurt this pweshus chyld’s self-esteem.

A flash of light and a pinging sound emanate from Samara’s forehead scar. Her character portrait suddenly becomes a lot creepier. Or at least that’s what I assume, since the picture quality isn’t very good. All I can tell is that she has a third eye in her forehead, but I don’t know if it’s bloodshot or slit-pupiled or anything like that. Still, that description should be sufficiently fucked-up for the purposes of this recap.

Mary Sue is all, “Um, I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a big fucking eyeball in your forehead…” “This is the eye that Granas gave me,” Samara monotones. “It’s how I can see everything.” Still got the heebs over here, folks. Sleeping with the light on tonight. Mary Sue tells her to stop the people’s suffering, but Samara thinks she’s just making them happy. Blah blah, people suck, blah blah, mommy is cool.

Suddenly, the original Creepy-Ass Garden sound effect triggers a change in Samara’s mood. She looks suspiciously at all the party members and starts to throw a hissyfit. “Huh? Why’re you doing this? …Why’re all of you coming after me?” “Because you’re the devil,” someone needs to say. If they could break into Samara’s unending monologue, that is. Samara begs Mary Sue to tell her that her Eyeball of Evil is not evil. “Aren’t you the same as me? Miss [Mary Sue]?” “Well, see, my manifestation of Valmar is a voluptuous vixen, whereas yours is a grotesque monster,” Mary Sue needs to explain. Instead, she hugs Samara, who pushes her away. I think it’s safe to say that Mary Sue has no self preservation skills.

At that moment, Samara yells for her mommy and runs off, disappearing along the way. I can’t say I’m too upset about that. Mary Sue looks wankstily after the little demon spawn, most likely wondering if she can use Samara’s brushoff to her dramatic advantage. Ryudo breaks into her thoughts, suggesting that some shit might be hitting the fan back in Mirumu. Instead of realizing that they are outside the village gates and thus have escaped Selene’s stupid quarantine, these dumbasses decide to go stick their big noses back into the mess. Idiots.

Indeed, Ryudo’s flawless instincts were spot on. Back at the Casa de Creepy, Selene and her Cockthedral Knights are confronting the freaked out Sandra. Sandra insists that it was her completely pure and not at all evil prayers that cured her daughter and it had nothing to do with that big broken seal beneath her residence. Actually, I don’t think Sandra has a single clue that Samara has been using Valmar’s prison as her playground. Which goes to show that she’s one of those parents who don’t exactly supervise their children as close as necessary.

Selene’s reasoning is that Granas wouldn’t bother to bless someone like Sandra or her daughter, which is another hit from the Giant Clue Hammer that she doesn’t exactly stand for the finer qualities of her supposedly merciful god. It also appears that Selene has managed to narrow down her list of suspects to the two females in the Creepy household. Well, she’s half right at least, which is a lot better than any of the other Einsteins in this game could manage.

To ensure that none of the other villagers attempt to aid Sandra or Samara, Selene basically threatens them with fiery death should they do so. Well, that’s all the encouragement those wussy dickholes need. A group of them — including the Village Chief — stomp over the bridge, confronting Sandra and calling her terrible names like “devil” and “witch.” And she didn’t even insult their favorite game characters!

Sandra dramatically falls to her knees in front of Selene, pleading for mercy and insisting that she’s innocent. “Release me!” Selene screeches, though it’s clear that Sandra’s sprite isn’t even touching Selene. Whoops, game designers. A quick backhand from Selene sends Sandra to the cobblestones. Whoo, chickfight!

Just then Samara and her evil eyeball materialize and she orders Selene to back the hell away from her mom. “Why can’t we all be happy!? If you do mean things, everyone suffers!” the girl squeals, finally revealing her motivations. For a moment there, I thought that Samara didn’t want people to be happy, so thank God they cleared up that mystery. Memo to game designers: we get it. Dogs get it. Fish get it. That little speck of dust in your unused bathtub? Gets it, too.

Selene has roughly 50,000 times the intelligence of anyone else in this game, though that’s not really saying much. Therefore, she realizes that Samara’s extraneous eyeball is of Valmar. The game designers want to infuse this scene with a sense of urgency, not realizing that nobody on this side of the screen really cares what happens to Samara, Sandra, or Selene. So they cut back to Ryudo and friends at the town gates in order to keep us on edge. Will they get there in time?!

Just to be a giant dick, I’m going to end the recap here. Hey, I’m just going along with what the game designers intended. I feel so sadistic! But I’m all talk, since Part 7 is already posted. See you there!