Mary Sue is chomping at the bit to talk to Samara again, mainly to ask her about the “Don’t eat me” comment. “Well, you HAVE been putting on a few pounds. You have to see it from her point of view,” Ryudo helpfully says. Yes, Mary Sue is disgustingly obese at barely ninety pounds. Although I guess I’ll let this one slide, as insulting Mary Sue takes precedence over accuracy. Tidink duhs some more over whether or not the Creepy-Ass Garden was real. “As real as the dreams of a wise man, neither fantasy nor substance. A mist rising in the morning, melting into air by noon,” Ludo drones on. Someone shut him up.

In the next room, Irina is still there, bitching. But she gives a little more insight into her random persecution of Sandra. It seems that Samara has been blind her entire life, but suddenly got better. Hence the girl’s comment in the Creepy-Ass Garden. The only possible conclusion to draw from this is that Sandra did something eeeeeeeevil. Okay.

The group heads over to a small crack in the ground spanned by a bridge. As they reach the bridge, Ryudo spots Samara near a lone house and notes that she is, indeed, the one they saw earlier. Cue creepy music. Also, I just realized that the village’s obsession with this scary kid must have some kind of sinister cause. Seriously, I wouldn’t be all on about her smile and her flowers — I’d be locking the doors and getting rid of all my television sets.

Ryudo and the others run over to Samara, whereas I would be running in the other direction. Mary Sue barely greets the girl before she starts asking what she meant with the “don’t eat me” phrase. “I meant just what I said. I know YOU are okay, Miss, but…” Before Samara can finish telling everyone that she’s afraid of being devoured by Millenia because she is also harboring a Piece of Valmar, Ryudo randomly interrupts to ask if the garden is real. Samara monotones, “It’s a safe place for people when they’re sad. It’s not like everyplace else — all hurting. I just want everyone to be happy.” This can only mean something bad, like being happy because you’re an unconscious vegetable. Hey wait a minute…

Just then, a green-haired woman runs outside, yelling at Samara to get in the house. She screeches at Mary Sue to get away from her spawn of Satan as well. Samara explains that Mary Sue is not a child molester or Jehovah’s Witness. “Now, now. We are travelers and we were just talking to little [Samara],” Tidink grins, giving off a total pedophile vibe in spite of being only thirteen years old. That’s talent. After some more small talk, Sandra invites them inside. They follow her, even though Irina warned them that she was an evil witch. But that’s okay, because Irina is full of horseshit.

Inside, Sandra explains her reasons for not wanting to talk outside. “There are those who do not wish [Samara] well.” Obviously, I didn’t talk to any of those people. Sandra is, of course, bitching about the one person in the whole town who has a grudge against her and Samara. It turns out that Irina’s son, Nicolas, fell asleep while Samara was with him. Which, yeah, does kind of look bad. So why did Irina give the magically healed blindness as the reason for thinking Sandra is evil instead of this damning incident? Also, it didn’t seem to me that Irina was ticked off at Samara. But whatever.

Sandra explains that Samara and Nicolas were playing, then starts to tell of a mysterious garden… “That’s right. I promised to take Nicolas to the garden!” Samara creeps. Sandra totally freaks out on her disturbing ass. But Samara doesn’t care, as she is emotionless and eeeeevil. She wonders if Tidink will show her his precioussssss medal. Don’t do it, Tidink! But of course he does, because he’s a dumbass. Since Samara is a Child Sensitive to Otherworldly Phenomenaâ„¢, she automatically knows that the medal belonged to Tidink’s mom. Oh hell, it probably has “TIDINK’S MOM” engraved on the front. While this pointless exchange happens, Sandra whines about how everyone in the village looks at her like she’s a freak. I would say it’s the green hair, but she’s not the only one in town that has been dipping into the Manic Panic. I would also say it’s the demon child, but everyone thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced crack. “And to think, my prayers to Granas had finally been answered, and [Samara]’s blindness cured,” she wanksts.

Instead of examining less than glowing possibilities for this change, Mary Sue gushes that it must be a miracle. “For once, [Mary Sue]’s right. It’s a damn miracle that your prayers actually worked. No wonder the villagers think you’re a witch,” Ryudo says tactfully. Sandra elaborates that no matter what kind of “normal” things she’s tried to cure Samara, everyone twists it around to be some sort of eeeeeevil witchery. Sandra woe-is-mes some more over how much her life sucked before and how much her life sucks now, never mind about her kid. Yeah, you know the one with the actual problems you mentioned? Ryudo suspects that Mary Sue wants to stick her meddling nose into this town’s problems, too, and attempts to nip this line of thought in the bud. For once, Mary Sue agrees with him, delaying my head from exploding for a few moments longer. I take what I can get. Tidink gets the medal back from creepy Samara, and if she comes out of it in the middle of the night, leaving him all bloated and green and dead, he’s got no one to blame but himself.

Just as Ryudo and the others decide to head back to the inn, Samara runs to the door and creepily — shock — announces that “scary people have come.” Let’s all laugh at the double meaning before I point out that Samara is doing the whole pot-kettle thing here. Jeez, it’s like Squall calling Link a flaming queen. The party leaves the House of Devilry only to find the whole town in an uproar. Apparently, the Priestess and her entourage have finally arrived. It’s about time.

At the front gate, Mary Sue stops and gapes at the new arrivals. “I-it can’t be… the Cathedral Knights!” she breathes. The camera pans over to a young, black-haired woman in a white robe standing in front of a group of six large knights. I know, who would have thought that the Cathedral Knights would be knights? You know you love my redundant descriptions. Each of the knights holds a ginormous phallic sword, pointing straight toward the heavens. The camera zooms in on the young woman — the High Priestess, duh — as she converses with the Village Chief. Something important must be happening, as this sequence is voice-acted. The Priestess, Selene, expresses her sympathy to the villagers. “But never fear, the Cathedral Knights are here.” I can’t figure out why this line makes me shudder until I realize that it is way too close to Tidus’s stupid fucking “Have no fear, the hero is here!” Now I have to hate Selene.

Selene assures the Chief that she will abolish the Darkness from the village. She blathers on about Darkness for a while before announcing that she has “purified much Darkness” during her stint as a Priestess, which doesn’t exactly sound like puppies and lollipops to me. “From my experience, this Darkness is the doing of Valmar,” she says, as if there’s some other force of evil running around causing trouble. The Chief is all “Oh, fuck.” Selene announces to the villagers that she is taking control of Mirumu for now. No one enters, no one leaves. “Anyone violating my order shall be deemed a minion of Darkness and… purified in the name of Lord Granas,” she finishes. I’m sure this is a completely innocent process involving prayers and maybe some blessed water or something. Right? Right?

Selene turns toward the Knights and raises her hand dramatically. Then she orders them to PAR-TAY! Just kidding, it’s more shit about Darkness. “God’s Light shall shine!” she practically orgasms. And I’m totally going by the tone of the voice acting here. There goes my dinner. Then she turns back to the poor dumbfounded Village Chief and introduces herself. Of course we already fucking know she’s Selene because the text box says so. And we already know she’s the leader of the Cathedral Knights because she’s ordering them around and shit. The camera pans back to our heroes. “… Hey, Elena. You know that crazy zealot over there?” Ryudo asks sarcastically. Hee. “Yes… she is the High Priestess Selene, leader of the Cathedral Knights,” Mary Sue says, impressed. Oh, for God’s sake, get your tongue out of Granas’ ass. Mary Sue sounds a little less certain as she describes Selene’s abilities as an “inquisitor of heresy.” She notes that things look bad for the village.

PENIS!

“Just what are those guys planning to do here?” Ryudo wonders stupidly, unable to put “crazy zealot”, “inquisitor of heresy”, and “bunch of guys with huge fucking swords” together into a coherent whole. Of course anyone with half a brain (which excludes anyone in the current party) can see what’s going on here — Selene is going to “purify” the village with stabby and burny things.

The group walks forward to trigger the next annoying sequence. Selene the crazy religious nut spots Mary Sue and they have a little introduction session. When Mary Sue explains her mission, Selene comments, “To report to His Holiness Zera… You must be a very accomplished student.” Mary Sue wisely avoids bringing up the whole “possessed by Valmar” part of the equation. They blather on some more about how they should totally keep doing their important work and stuff. Selene mentions again — in case we stepped out of the room to get a drink — that her goal is to purify the world of Darkness. With bunnies and rainbows.

Selene remarks that Mary Sue must be in a real hurry. “No, in fact… the ceremony failed…” Mary Sue randomly begins, basically negating everything I said before about her being wise. Well, it was only a matter of time. Ryudo is all, “Shut up, dumbass.” Selene turns her attention to him, so we can have another annoying introduction. When Selene thanks him for bothering to protect Mary Sue on her journey, he replies, “You can thank me by letting us through the village.” “But then you would easily be able to get from Point A to Point B. I must drag this game out longer by preventing you from leaving until you at least finish this riveting section of storyline,” Selene says.

She and Ryudo have a little argument over this development, but Selene trumps him with her scary Cockthedral Knights. Pissed off, Ryudo wonders how she’s going to get rid of the Darkness once she tracks it down. Since Valmar is a big, scary god and all. Never mind that he managed to track down and eliminate the Darkness from a village. But this nonsensical dialogue is just another chance for Selene to announce that “purifying the unclean” is not all that hard. “What is it with you and this ‘purify’ thing?” Ryudo wonders. “For some reason, I doubt your knights are packing soap and bubble bath in that armor.” Hee. But of all people in the party, it’s freaking Tidink that figures out what’s going on here: “She means to kill them. I remember one village somewhere that was burned to the ground by [Cockthedral] Knights,” he explains. I know that Tidink is the world’s most well-traveled kid, but you’d think that at least one of the others would have a clue as to the purpose of these infamous knights. But whatever — it’s more “dramatic” when they reveal it this way.

Selene tries to explain why “purifying” is not murder, but it’s more religious bullshit. Ryudo’s not buying it. Mary Sue finally asks exactly how Selene would go about purifying someone. Well, it involves the Holy Fire of Lord Granas, which is definitely not in the realm of kittens and pixie dust. This is unwelcome news to the poor clueless Village Chief. He’s all “Oh, no you don’t, beeyotch!” “Do not be afraid, for the Holy Fire cleanses only the sinner. Those who are pure of heart need not worry,” Selene comforts him. Oh, I get it. It’s like the witch hunts we read about in history class with the fire and the drowning and stuff! What an intelligent use of real history integrated subtly into the storyline of this game.

Anyway, Selene would like to know the details of the village’s problems before she goes ahead with the killin’, so she and the Village Chief adjourn to his house to have a lovely chat. Four of the Cockthedral Knights follow, but they’ll have to wait outside because that house is damn small. With the remaining two Knights guarding the village entrance, Ryudo and the others decide that they really don’t have a choice but to stay the night. Which they were going to do anyway, so no biggie.

And that’s where this installment comes to a close. All the jibber-jabbering prevented us from getting to the inevitable Valmar Piece, so we’ll find out what it is next time. If the fact that the villager’s supposed nightmares included an EYE, Samara’s EYES were magically cured, and the village name is based on the Japanese word for SEE are not big enough clues for you…well, you’re kind of sad.