Before Cronabe takes two steps into the valley, a pair of guards freak out over his horrifying face and run away like a couple of bitches. Presumably these guys would have been blocking Cronabe’s way if he’d tried to access Fossil Valley earlier in the game, so I guess I’m lucky that these trained soldiers are such pansies. For the most part, Fossil Valley appears to be quite a bit less traumatizing than its Other World counterpart, but that’s not to say that the game designers are going to let me off that easy. Along the path, Cronabe encounters a penis-shaped pillar, about as tall as he is, peppered with holes. Yeah, that part’s confusing. However, Cronabe quickly discovers that this large cock is not a decorative part of the landscape, but an aggressive monster. Now, none of us are strangers to phallic creatures, particularly in this game, but this fucker goes above and beyond the run-of-the-mill schlong-esque beast. You know those holes I mentioned? As soon as the creature appears on the battle screen, a pink worm pokes its head out of one of these holes. Just to spell it out for you: there is a waggling pink penis sticking out of a bigger penis. This brings back very unpleasant memories of the bloodworm episode of Dirty Jobs. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I think you should leave it that way. Google is not your friend here.

PENIS!!!

But that’s not all! The pink dickworm has a tiny face as well as yet another phallic protuberance at the top of its, er, head. And! When it gets low in health, the pink dickworm goes limp, flopping around every time someone smacks it with a weapon. I wish I were making this up. There’s no way this penile resemblance was an accident. On the bright side, even though I have new nightmare fodder, at least it’s not as bad as Skelly. I think that’s the nicest thing I’ve said about this game so far.

 Loading ...

Before visiting the thriving metropolis of Termina, the party makes a quick stop at Viper Manor. The same type of blue-uniformed, gun-toting soldiers from Fossil Valley block Cronabe from entering the grounds, and these guys are rough and tough unlike their counterparts from earlier. No furry will scare them away. This is just as well, since the last time I visited Viper Manor, it sucked a bag of dicks.

Unlike the festive, flower-festooned Termina in the Other World, this one has a distinctly less welcoming atmosphere. Not only are the tiered levels of the city infested with soldiers and accompanied by the dire background tune such a military occupation requires, but some jackass screams, “Lynx!!! H-How dare you have the nerve to return to this town! Get out of here!” as soon as Cronabe enters. I think the scene has been clearly set. What’s not so clear is exactly what Home(?)Lynx did to invite this kind of response, but according to Harle, at one time these very same people were all about kissing Lynx’s hairy ass.

I just went back and checked some earlier recaps to see if there was any helpful exposition on this particular “plot” point. If there was, I failed to recap it, so it’s possibly my fault I’m in this predicament now. Basically, from what I can gather, the Porre Army has taken over the place and made it into a completely lame and boring shithole. At one point, I seem to recall that Lynx was referred to as “the visitor from Porre” so maybe he’s responsible for this mess? I don’t know, and I feel like I’m doing way too much thinking about this game.

More importantly, if such a word can be used to describe Chrono Cross, the party is in a new (sort of) location, and you know what that means: Talk To Everyone. This is especially exciting because we’re going to meet a bunch of people we’ve already met in the Other World. Can you stand it? Well, I can’t, but I’m going to recap it anyway.

A random Porre soldier tongue-bathes “Sir Lynx,” name-dropping a Commander Norris while simultaneously preventing Cronabe from accessing the western portion of the city. I think this western area is where Frank and Miki were set up in the Other World. Needless to say, I’m happy to have one less place to chat up NPCs. The sycophant goes on to say that Commander Norris is currently chillin’ at Viper Manor, and practically orders Cronabe to go check in with the guy. This may be the conversational trigger that opens up the manor, but I’m not about to check. Plus, this peon is way too uppity and “Lynx” isn’t about to take orders from him.

Remember the guy in charge of polishing General Viper’s statue who jabbered non-stop about Viper’s Manor of Man Love? Well, that guy’s still here, but his life has been shattered. The statue of General Viper was replaced with a statue of the Porre Griffin. Even worse, the Man Love Manor is no more now that Viper has disappeared. I’m not sure how it can be “gone” since it clearly shows up on the world map (plus this Norris person is there), but grief does strange things to people’s minds.

Next, Cronabe stops in at the house with the sick child whose mother didn’t want him/her hanging out with Speedo. Except here the kid isn’t sick, I’m pretty sure she’s a girl, and it’s the father, not mother there with her. At least I think this is that house. Anyway, the dad kisses Cronabe’s furry butt like it’s going out of style while the brat hurls lame insults at Cronabe, much to her dad’s dismay. Like all kids, this one can’t keep her mouth shut and she busts out with the “revelation” that her dad is the one who’s always bitching about Lynx and his responsibility for their current situation. Of course, the dad shits himself, unaware that the person in front of him has no personality and therefore is not about to inflict any kind of punishment for his insolence. Oh, the hijinks!

Passing by a big phallic cannon, Cronabe enters the next house, which in the Other World was home to creepy Skelly’s grandma. In this reality, the pink-haired old lady still worries over her missing grandson Skelly, but instead of leaving to become a circus clown, he was nonconsensually dragged away by the Porre army. I hope he is either fully alive or fully dead, because I am so not collecting a second talking skeleton, even if this one is not a clown.

The next stop on this neverending rollercoaster of excitement is the local restaurant/bar. Here, a Porre army soldier is just aching to spill his story to anyone who will listen. To his credit, he at least gives me a choice of whether or not I want to wade through umpteen text boxes of dialogue. Well, of course I do! His tale revolves around the mysterious disappearance of General Viper (and his men) three years ago. Although this guy and his soldier buddies thoroughly searched the premises, it seemed that Viper and the others disappeared without a trace. “I can only guess that they were spirited away. What in the world could have happened…” The mystery haunts him to this day. My first guess would be that Viper holed himself up (no pun intended) with his dragoons in his secret sex dungeon. It’s not like it’s someplace just anyone could find.

The soldier’s companion provides some more information about the Norris guy that was mentioned earlier. His description is this odd mix of homoerotic insults (he’s “cocky” and “never loosens up”) and admiration, like he totally wants to bone the dude but hates him at the same time. He’s clearly confused about his homosexual feelings for the young commander. And how much more interesting is that storyline than anything we’ve encountered so far?

Next stop: the blacksmith’s. Karsh’s parents, the Scottish-accented Zappa and Zippa, are standing and staring at the cold forge. The two of them engage in some awkward exposition in front of these three strangers. We find out that Zappa has closed down the shop for the time being in order to go off and…do something unspecified that he’s wanted to do for a long time. Meanwhile, Zippa will stay behind and wait for Karsh to return, since he disappeared along with Viper three years ago. The exposition becomes even clunkier as she reminds her husband what they’ve been through for the last three years: they no longer have the Dragoons as customers, the Porre army “gets on [their] arses” and so on. But Zippa naively figures that the karmic balance just has to be restored soon, with the safe return of their son and things not sucking so much for them. Right.

And there he goes, thinking about General Viper naked again.

Cronabe interrupts this poorly-written conversation, but it’s Radius who captures the blacksmith’s attention. I wonder what the backstory is there, and if it relates to this mysterious journey that Zappa is about to undertake. I mean that all in a gay way, naturally. Radius alludes to the group’s important task — which I’ve already forgotten — but Zappa is more interested in grilling Cronabe about a material called the “rainbow.” Yes, you read that right: rainbow. Zappa wants to forge this undoubtedly rainbow-colored material into weapons and armor. I can only imagine what kind of fabulous gear he will create from the stuff. And yes, I’m aware that this is another namedrop from Chrono Trigger, so please don’t e-mail me. Zappa’s mysterious quest is to search for this rainbow material, and for some reason he thinks that joining up with this group of misfits will somehow help him find it. Sadly, he’s probably right, but there’s no possible way he could know that.

I’m thinking that “anythin'” includes things like butt dildos and spiked collars.

I allow Zappa to join the group, which nets me the Smith Spirit — a fancy way of saying that I can forge armor and weapons wherever I go, without having to visit a shop. Sweet! This might be the first useful person I’ve encountered. I’m not sure whether I mean that in terms of this recap or the entire game. Unfortunately for Zappa, I’m still bungling around with the button assignments and before I realize what I’ve done, I’ve removed the first letter of his name on the naming screen, leaving him as ” appa.” Note the space at the front of the name. Changing this would require restoring an earlier save, which would mean I’d have to redo Termina. I think not. Sorry, but he’s now  appa.

I don’t change the party setup, so  appa gets to hang out with the other losers in the Oubliette of Shittiness. The current party continues on to the dirt-floored shack at the end of the walk. Actually, the place doesn’t look that bad — from the outside, it appears to be a small but well-kept stone dwelling. But we are clearly supposed to see it as a total shithole, as opposed to its counterpart, the mansion in the Other World. The Home World versions of Van and Gogh live here. In the Other World, Van is the dreamy art type and his dad is the former artist who gave up his silly dreams to become a rich heartless bastard. As I magically surmised in that recap, the roles are reversed here. Gogh is a starving artist, and just in case we didn’t grasp this difficult concept, he’s sitting down, working on a painting when the group enters. Paintings are piled up on every available surface.

When Cronabe talks to him, Gogh immediately assumes that they are his son’s friends and directs them to the “back room.” I’m not sure why this guy would think that three adults, one of whom is a creepy cat man, are there to see his underage son. I’m also not sure why he would want them to be alone with his son, even if they were here to see him. What on earth is going on in this place? Is he pimping out Van to make money? If so, he’s not charging enough. With a great deal of trepidation, I steer Cronabe toward Van’s room. Unlike the messy main living area, Van’s room is very tidy, decorated in a rather Japanese style. When Cronabe enters (the room), Van is stashing something in a secret compartment behind a painting. Upon spotting the trio, he immediately offers to give them a tour of the city for a fee. A tour sounds perfectly innocent — let’s just hope there’s no hidden meaning there.

This is good advice anytime you’re entering the room of a teenage boy.

Cronabe agrees to hire him, but before they can begin the thrilling tour of Termina, a voice from the other room catches their attention. The group doesn’t want to miss the undoubtedly exciting cut scene, so they head back into the main room where they find Gogh being reamed out by a woman (I think) with an elaborate dress and silly tall hairdo. Fortunately for our stomach contents, she’s only verbally reaming him. From her expository threats, we find out that Gogh is deep in debt to this woman, and she’s here to collect. If he doesn’t give her the money at that exact moment, she’s going to evict them from their tiny little shack. Oh noes!

Gogh tries to play the child card, because he bred and therefore his fate matters more than that of those heinous non-child-having people. But this lady is evil! So she doesn’t care! “I just want to make this place into my personal storage for my precious treasures!” she cackles. There’s no actual animation here, of course, but you can still imagine the virtual mustache twirling that must accompany this bizarre statement. I mean, seriously? A storage place for her “precious treasures”? Was this scenario and dialogue written by a 5-year-old?